Adult supplied my 14yr old with alcohol

[tigwig76]

My dd has just told me that at the weekend, when having a sleepover with her also 14yr old friend, the dad of this friend bought them 'loads of alcohol'. This translates to a can of pink gin mixer, lager with tequila in it and a VK alcopop. 1 of each per person. All without my knowledge or consent. I have in recent months allowed her to have 1 cocktail whilst with me on holiday but that's it. I've never met the parents and was a bit uncomfortable about the sleepover anyway but can't exactly stop it at 14.
I'm really quite annoyed. Luckily she only drank half of a can and ended up coming home but it could have been so different. Aibu to feel pissed off about this?

I'd hope the police were interested in an adult man giving teenage girls alcohol in secret in his house. If nothing else it is worth recording so if his name comes up again a picture can begin to be built up.

It's also entirely possible he's known to the authorities, has a record, and has a parole condition that he would be breaking by giving someone else's 14 yr old booze in a bedroom.

We don't know. To be this is such a red flag I'd want to be sure. And any adult male who does this deserves a bit of a fright of the police come knocking tbh. What was he thinking? Seriously, what is his motivation behind this? At best he's misguidedly trying to be cool to impress a couple of teenagers behind his wife's back. That doesn't sound great does it? And that's at best.

I'm still incredulous that a significant number of posters on mumsnet, the site that practically calls the police if they hear someone uses a loo brush to clean a toilet, thinks this is ok

Wow. Some really horrid replies there. Guess that's me told.
Dd came home as she has anxiety at times and decided she no longer wanted to sleep. She does that sometimes even with immediate family. I fully intend on speaking properly to her again today. She told me when she had just stepped out of the shower and I was angry and shocked so wanted to digest the info properly before having a chat.
This is the 2nd time she's been to the friend's house. I picked her up the first time so know roughly where it is and with Google maps could identify the house it's just I don't know the address off the top of my head. I do have mums phone number and will contact her after speaking to dd.
The reason I said I can't stop a sleepover is not because I physically can't but I think it would be embarrassing for a nearly 15yr old to not have permission to do so.
It's impossible to meet other parents. Apart from 1 friend whose parents have brought her to my house I don't know anyone elses parents. That doesn't make me a shit mum. Dd and all her friends get themselves to school. They don't have parents evenings. I'm not at school myself so how an earth am I supposed to meet them? It's not like primary. They are all independent teenagers. I will be getting to the bottom of exactly what happened. Dd wont be going there again and if I think anything untoward was planned re the alcohol I will report my concerns to the school. I do think the dad is just a prick though and probably thought he was being cool by giving them it. We will see.

The thing that most worries me is that the OP is a childminder but has no idea about the strength of cocktails when she's giving them to her 14-year old daughter or had much of an idea where her daughter was or whether she can ban sleepovers.

So, you were willing to allow your daughter to stay somewhere even though you didn't know exactly where she would be or speak to the parents? Sounds like your parenting is as good as the guy who was giving children alcohol tbh.

The man is coming in for a lot of flack here, as a previous poster said we don't know the dad provided the drink and if he did why he did, maybe they asked for it and just because he took it to the bedroom doesn't mean the mother didn't know and doesn't mean he went in the bedroom.
I'd be finding out more details before I jumped to any conclusions

Nope only, completely regardless of circumstances giving someone else's 14 yr old 3 alcoholic drinks in a bedroom is not allowed. Not if you don't know the family well and know that this is ok.

Even my own dad, who was never at all dodgy but definitely allowed me and friends to do things in the name of being cool which I shudder to think about now, would have had enough self awareness to know that alcohol in a bedroom before a sleepover is a really bad idea

Why would you report it to the school? It was not on school premises and was the actions of an adult in his own home (as wrong as it might). Whilst I would be very concerned, I think your course of action is to speak to the parents of the girl concerned, not pass the buck to your DD’s school, what do you expect them to do?

I agree with you regarding other parents. It’s difficult to know the parents of teenagers friends well. We have learnt the hard way that other parents might not share values or ideas of what is acceptable behaviour.

Does everyone text the parents and ask for their full address in this situation? It’s never occurred to me. At this age, you don’t really meet the parents, I’ll always get my daughter to ask them to message me before hand to confirm. I’ll ask my daughter where they live, but not an exact address. She probably wouldn’t know. All her friends live in walking distance, in central London. So she travels by herself, and I’ll usually have the friends and the parents number. If it’s someone she hasn’t mentioned much I won’t let her go. If it’s one of her good friends, who she talks about a lot and I have a good feel for what their family life is like, then no problem. I only know the address of 2 of her friends though, and that was from when she was in tear 7 and I insisted on dropping her to the door.

@ShatnersWig
What has being a childminder got to do with it? Pretty sure she won’t be offering any of her mindee’s cpcktails, and if she did, not knowing the strength of them would be the least of my worries.
I also doubt she’ll be sending any of them to sleepovers. So kind of a non issue.

@Imustbemad00 I read quite a few posters questioning the OPs parenting skills in regard to those three specific points - how she seemingly wasn't aware of how strong cocktails are while giving them to her 14-year old daughter, not knowing where her daughter was supposed to be spending the night, and not feeling she had the right to stop her daughter attending sleepovers.

All of which are sort of valid points for parenting. The fact that she also looks after children just made me a bit open mouthed.

Gosh some really harsh judgey comments for the OP. She's stated that she did know where the sleepover was- just not the line address.

I would deffo be having a word with the friends mum for sure- I'd want to know if she knew her male partner was sharing drinks. Because those three choices are all quite attractive to kids but strong in alcohol which sets an alarm off. I think that any 14 year old not used to drink wouldn't be able to finish off all three off them and come home at 11 sober.

I don't think the fact she shared a cocktail on her holidays with her child is an example of bad mothering choices though. Chances are in an all inclusive or resort hotel its going to be cheap local spirit and a lot of mixer.

It's not that much alcohol, and she's told you about it which is good.

I think it's a bit weird though that a man would give lots of 14 yr old girls alcohol. I'm not trying to be sexist, just can't help but wonder...

I think the dad might be getting a hard time based on him being male. I can see exactly how this went down in my childhood friends' homes (mine are no where near old enough for alcohol at sleepovers).

"Mum, can I have a sleepover with X, Y and Z coming over?"
"Sure, make sure their parents know where they are".
"Can we have a couple of alcopops too?"
Mum "no, you're not old enough/I'm not happy with your friends drinking here and having to be responsible"
Kid goes to dad
"Daaaaad! Can we have a couple of drinks while my friends are here"
Dad thinks why not because both parents are home but knows Mum's stance on alcohol so gets it and sneaks it into bedroom while mum is elsewhere.

Please don't everyone tell me that they didn't go to another more permissive parent when the first one had already said no. And more often than not, dad's were more permissive amongst my friends. One even helped their dd climb out of the bedroom window when her mum had grounded her.

The dad isn't covering himself in glory based on his poor choice to supply alcohol. He's in his own home and it is a shame that so many people immediately jump to paedo because of normal teenage secrecy over alcohol.

This is ridiculous. A dad goes into his 15 year old daughters room and tries to be the cool parent by letting them have a drink (which he's no doubt been nagged for) and now he's some kind of nonce?

Have a word with yourselves.

And a cocktail in Spain would have a very similar alcohol content and all in one hit. The reason it tastes fruity is cause it also has a very high sugar content.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here op. It is quite normal for you to loosen the apron strings a bit and not know exactly where your 14 year old is at all times,especially if the child is as sensible as yours appears to be. I would not be happy at all if any adult other than myself or my child's father gave them alcohol though,and I would definitely be worried enough to say something in this case,because the dad acted highly inappropriately,and I think his wife and other potential overnighters need to know this.

This is ridiculous. A dad goes into his 15 year old daughters room and tries to be the cool parent by letting them have a drink (which he's no doubt been nagged for) and now he's some kind of nonce?

He might not be a nonce, but he's certainly a halfwit for setting up a situation where his motivations are so ambiguous. There is literally no legit context where a man in his 40's or 50's sneaks a 14 year old girl 3 alcoholic drinks in a bedroom in his house, with or without his daughter in the house too. At worst, OP's has escaped an assault, at BEST he's a blithering idiot and appalling parent.

As for being the "cool parent" - yes, I can see how that might have been what he was aiming for, but he should also show some common sense when he has minors in his care and not left his actions open to malicious (or sensible, cautious) interpretation.

Wow.
I think a lot of this is down to perspective. Yes I understand it could be embarrassing to say no to your DD going to a sleepover but I don't think it's embarrassing to ensure you have at least met the parents beforehand. Or even if it is, it's worth it. I know it may be hard to meet them when they're at senior school but it's not impossible as stated. You just make that effort. When I was that age I wasn't allowed to stay over anywhere until my parents had met my friends parents, even if this meant they dropped me off on the night and met them then. They'd have a quick chat etc, make sure they swapped contact details and felt happier about the situation. I will do exactly the same with my kids when they're that age. It just puts your mind at rest. Not saying you're a bad parent, just maybe need a different perspective on things which I'm sure you do after this event.

As for the dad, what a stupid thing to do for so many reasons. He's leaving himself open to accusations and, if the girls had drank that quickly and been totally new to alcohol, they could have had a houseful of sick teenagers. Totally wrong not to get parental consent too. I'd definitely have a word and just say she won't be staying again for this reason.
Luckily your DD came home if you ask me.

This is such an interesting post. I also think OP is being given a bit of a hard time. My son is 15.5 (yr11) and has started going out to house parties with a mix of teenagers the same age and a bit older. He has asked me if I'd buy him some alcohol which I have done (2 x cans of weak cider) because I'd rather know what he'll be drinking rather than worry about him having a cocktail of harder spirits cadged off others. In all cases I've met his friends but not their parents - again, it's almost impossible to meet the parents of kids once they get to this age, unless they're children that have grown up together so you've known the parents for a long time. Thankfully he's always been sensible and come home at the agreed time or kept me updated with text messages about where he is and if/when he needs picking up. For me, I'd rather let him have a bit of 'managed' independence to show that I trust him (and I've explained this to him!), rather than keep him on a really short leash and have him trying to sneak about/do things behind my back etc. with a far greater potential to get into trouble. If you have a good relationship with your daughter (which it sounds like you do), and you're confident that she will tell you if there's a problem, that's the best you can do. Having said all that, I certainly wouldn't be handing out alcoholic drinks to my son's friends if they visited here and he knows that and would never ask - I hardly drink myself so don't have a ready supply and it's expensive! The Dad that was dishing out booze sounds like a complete idiot and I wouldn't be happy with that at all. If you have the Mum's mobile number I'd definitely be tempted to text and say "Did you know this was happening; DD was a bit surprised by it and I was quite shocked. I'm not happy for DD to stay at yours again as a result". Or something like that...teenage years are a minefield and I don't think you can have hard and fast rules. What may suit one child, because they are sensible/a bit more mature etc. would be completely wrong for another child who needs more definite boundaries, but then managing that so no-one feels hard done by - it's a nightmare! Sounds like you're doing ok though OP

There is no way in hell my dh would go into a daughter's room with alcohol for her and her friends.

Not sure what difference having a full address would make. If dd needed me she could call

I hope this incident has been a wake up call for you OP (no pun intended).
You DO need to know the address so in case of emergency you're able to give the location to someone else....because phones can lose charge/get broken/be taken off you.

It's impossible to meet other parents. Apart from 1 friend whose parents have brought her to my house I don't know anyone elses parents
What kind of excuse is that?
You make the effort. You find a way.

I'm glad you're banning any further sleepovers at this persons house.
I bet this wasn't the first time the dad behaved like this so hopefully it's been a wakeup call for the other mum too.

The dad sounds dodgy and it absolutely wasn't his decision to make.

If the alcopop and the lager were both 330ml then she would have only had about a pint and a half of roughly 5% strength alcohol (wkd etc is 4% premixed cans are usually 4% sometimes 5 and desperado 5.9%) and yes, potentially less alcohol than in one decent cocktail.

For all those moaning about the OP giving her child a cocktail. I think you ar emassively missing the point.

Her daughter wa son holiday with her parents, under strict supervision. Not with a fucking stranger/man who thought it was fine to ply teenage girls with alcohol at a sleepover.
FFS

Congrats OP, your dd sounds really sensible. So what's the problem?

I think I just wanted to vent last night as I was annoyed and wanted reassurance I wasn't out of order to feel that way.
Clearly by the majority of replies you all agree that I'm right to be angry 😂😂😂
Not sure why what happened makes me the worst mum ever and incapable of doing my job but hey ho this is the joys of mumsnet.
Just to clarify a few points yet again. My dd isn't given strong cocktails willy nilly. I said 1 and it definitely wasn't strong.
I knew roughly where the house was just not the exact address but could have found this out if needed. I had previously text mum to confirm all was well and it was the first time. No problems or concerns whatsoever. Which is why I let her return. I didn't want or expect this to happen. But I am very happy she didn't drink it all and came home. Not sure I would have done at her age haha.