Adult supplied my 14yr old with alcohol

[tigwig76]

My dd has just told me that at the weekend, when having a sleepover with her also 14yr old friend, the dad of this friend bought them 'loads of alcohol'. This translates to a can of pink gin mixer, lager with tequila in it and a VK alcopop. 1 of each per person. All without my knowledge or consent. I have in recent months allowed her to have 1 cocktail whilst with me on holiday but that's it. I've never met the parents and was a bit uncomfortable about the sleepover anyway but can't exactly stop it at 14.
I'm really quite annoyed. Luckily she only drank half of a can and ended up coming home but it could have been so different. Aibu to feel pissed off about this?

You need to find out if they asked for the booze or not .

If he gave them the alcohol without them asking then I would be very concerned- why would he want to ply young girls with booze ?

Can't believe you didn't ask for the full address. If you have the mum's number can you not call and explain your concerns to her?

@tigwig76
You need to ensure your child is safe.
It’s incredibly neglectful to have no idea of the address your 14 year old is staying.
She has her phone so if something awful happened she could have contacted you after the event.
If you’re poorly stay in bed ask 14 year old to make you soup, tea etc plus keep an eye on younger siblings (if she has) but she needs to be at home.
Your post has made me both sad and angry.

Providing a load of alcohol without parents consent is not ok. It's much different to having a family meal at a friends and letting them have a small glass of wine. Doesn't ring well a man giving them alcohol and the mum not knowing within the same house. I would not be letting my child go over there again and I would be reporting him for providing minors with alcohol. If he wanted to offer it he should have asked parents permission. Getting teenage girls drunk is not appropriate and needs watching. Either he's made a very stupid mistake or he's up to no good

It is not an offence to give a 14 year old alcohol in a private property Tinkerbell89. A) who would you report it to? B) who would you report? The op doesn’t even know where he lives

Don't like the sound of the creepy dad..why've was he in the bedroom giving them booze

Speak to the mum op. Depending on her reaction you might want to speak to someone at school, or just make sure your child is safe.

"can't speak to the dad as I've no idea who he is and only know the street where they live not the exact house"

Sorry but wtf?!!!!

I was maybe more cautious as I'm a survivor of csa myself, but like hell would my 14 YEAR OLD DD have stayed overnight when I didn't even know the address!! Let alone know the parents WELL.

NO FUCKING WAY was she allowed to stay over with people I didn't know where I didn't even know the address!

You sound VERY passive in all this. Your child is still very much A CHILD.

YOU need to parent here. A man you DON'T KNOW tried to ply your CHILD with alcohol in a sleepover situation!

I also held with the "slow supervised introduction" of alcohol around this age but ONLY at home and ONLY low alcohol drinks.

You need to take a step back and reset how you are supervising your child, because this is an AWFUL incident waiting to happen!

Frankly the 14 year old sounds the most sensible out of the lot of you!

"But at nearly 15 I can't really ban sleepovers" of course you can!! You can certainly set rules for them!

Only with people you know & trust (this would mean you'd also know address & phone number & they yours)
Only with X amount notice
No alcohol or drugs
No mixed sex sleeping arrangements

It's not hard!

My dd went on plenty of sleepovers at her friends houses with parents I KNEW & trusted and who had similar boundaries to me.

"You don't meet other parents when they're at high school do you?" Yes! You make the effort!

"If dd needed me she could call." Would you expect a 14 year old who's very drunk & possibly shocked by being assaulted by her friends father to be able to give a coherent address?!!

Tbqh I'd be seriously considering if he DID do something to her!

As much as I would never buy a teenager alcohol without their parent's permission, I would be more annoyed at my DC for drinking it if they knew they weren't allowed.

I agree it sounds really dodgy plying someone elses child with alcohol, and coming into the room - I mean really, what was he thinking?? Ugh.

I'd be incandescent and highly suspicious. And want to find out more of what prompted your DD to want to leave before sleeping over - I wonder if she just sensed something was off...?

I would have clutched my pearls and screeched and screeched, myself.

But I am a firm believer that children are babies right up to 18, and then they have to immediately overnight learn how to drink sensibly, fuck sensibly and avoid all evil.

One alcopop would be fine with me, but 3 mixed drinks.. hell no. I must say that I was always allowed alcohol at home at that age, as long as I didn't get wrecked. My parents bought me cherry B and Perry, and I could have wine with a meal.

OP, yes in future, you should know the exact address where she is. And I agree with pps that this man's behaviour and motives are questionable, and the fact that you DD left early, you need to find out why. You need to have a serious chat with her about staying safe and not accepting alcohol off people like this, whether it be a friend's parent or not.

Why did DD say she came home early?

It's not normal for girls that age to want to leave a prearranged sleepover unless something had happened that made her uncomfortable.

You need a proper talk with her.

And I agree with a PP, stop being so bloody passive! KNOW where your daughter is !

The dad sounds dodgy.

I am pretty laid back, esp as DD (Year 10, 14.5) is my youngest so gets away with all sorts of stuff.

However.

1. She has asked me to provide alcohol for her friends when they've slept at our house. I have said absolutely not. So I agree with you, OP, that other parents should not be doing this. I do let DD have the odd drink - but that's my decision. It is not my place to make that decision for other parents' children. DD thinks I'm a killjoy because of this. Tough.

1. I always, always insist on knowing exactly where she is going. Full address plus mum's/dad's phone number. High School is no excuse for not getting hold of this information. I haven't met most of her friends' parents, but I certainly want to know their names, addresses and contact details. I also want to know who else will be present in the house. Without that information, she doesn't go. Several sleepovers have fallen apart because she was strangely unable to provide parental information . Again, she claims I'm the most over-protective mother known to mankind. In fact, she has a massive amount of freedom. But if she is out at night, I have to know exactly where she is (I do check with the parents, too, to her disgust). I have, very rarely, vetoed sleepovers, having found out more about the families she has been proposing to stay with. So, yes, you can say no.

In fairness though Graphista, I feel that preparing children about CSA (and consent and advocating for themselves) is a combination of control of their activities and who they're exposed to but it's also reality that as they get older they're going to mix with more and more people their own age and more and more people older than them in lots of different places. Whereupon the risk of some kind of unwanted event of a variety of types, goes rocketing up. I'm all too aware of that.

They can be sexually abused by someone's dad, younger brother, sister, uncle, someone from their own family and part of preparing them is understanding that they will be getting exposed to risk because of their expanding social worlds. That's the frightening bit - they're in that world even when they go to school (child on child abuse has gone rocketing up in recent years) so essentially they're not safe anywhere.

And I'm not saying "Oh just let them go and hope for the best" or "I'll just pretend there's no risk and stick my head in the sane" - neither of those is appropriate. But I think it's much more important to make them understand that there's risk all over the place, especially from people they know and even more so when there's drinking (or drugs). And they have to learn those are risks and how to be aware and having the wherewithall to deal with tricky situations because as we know, they're going to come up against them of all varieties without a shadow of a doubt. Gives me the heebie jeebies and I think it's a very difficult line to walk as a parent.

We have a few laws on alcohol that are abit odd and often people don’t know the law.
from 5 years old a child can be given drink at home or other private premises.
Most think you must be 18 to drink in a pub/ restaurant however from 16 it’s legal for them to drink beer,cider and wine as long as with a meal and as long as they are not paying for it of course.
I can only talk of england as maybe the others have there own variations on the laws

I'd be a bit concerned about the mix of drinks - it's not like he gave them those little low alcohol beers or an alcopop. Those are quite strong

There are two issues here that would concern me:
The alcohol issue, not only the lack of parental consent but the amount and the mixing of dffferent drinks.
And
The possibility of grooming by your DD’s friend’s father. Some years ago I was professionally involved in a case where a 13 or 14 year old girl having a sleepover with a school friend was given alcohol by the friend’s father and later raped while the friend lay sleep in the adjacent bed. Friend at the time fiercely denied she had herself been sexually abused but 10 years later went to the police because she feared her own young daughter might become a victim.
Why did your DD want to go home Lynn? Was it because in addition to the alcohol issue, she felt uneasy about the set up or was uncomfortable re the father?
Maybe any future sleepovers should be in your own home.

@Haffiana what is your point? That we're all massively upright prudes for saying that a 14 yr old being given three different alcoholic drinks, without permission, by an adult who is not a relative or known to the family, in a bedroom, with the only other adult in the house - his wife - unaware? Which parts of that scenario are you comfortable with for your own 14 yr old?

I'm pretty chilled, let my 5 yr old have a sip of wine if she asks, am gently mocking (behind her back, never to her face) of my niece who at 18 had never been behind a bike shed or had more than one glass wine or a cigarette. But the above horrified me.

Please enlighten us why alarm over this is pearl clutching. Have the numerous serious exposees over the last few years completely passed you by?

on the one hand what Worra said:

As much as I would never buy a teenager alcohol without their parent's permission, I would be more annoyed at my DC for drinking it if they knew they weren't allowed

otoh what worries me about this particular scenario is the circumstances under which the alcohol was produced

at a party, particularly if older teenagers are present, it's understandable and I know dd attended parties where this happened at this age- up to her to say no thank you

but an adult male sneaking it up to them in the bedroom sounds well dodgy

First thing I thought when reason the OP was "what was that dad planning to do".

And when no reason for her deciding to come home was offered, was to think: why

why did she come home early-did the dad freak her out

i think its weird that he went into the bedroom to sneakily give them drink

• Who’s Lynn, when she’s at home — bloody auto correct — I meant OP, of course