To feel mentally broken at leaving my DS in nursery?

[MissB83]

We had a bit of settling last week- it didn't go hugely well as he got very upset. I ended up just leaving him about 2 hours each time. He wasn't upset when I picked him up but he was a bit disturbed through the week.

Just left him screaming for his first full day (at 8am). Will ring at 11 and probably collect him around 2-3 so we can do something nice together.

I just feel completely exhausted and mentally broken. The experience of walking AWAY from him screaming and not being able to pick him up was so so hard. Now I feel crashed and flat and very weepy.

He's 11 months.

AIBU?!

No, it is hard, but it will pass soon.

Your supposed to feel like this, his scream is programmed to trigger this
If your child is happy when you collect him, then he must be ok...

Yes and no. It’s natural to feel like this but these are life milestones for him. Even at 11months they are learning things, important things. And he’s safe, well and in a fun environment, he just needs a little time to realise that. He’ll be fine.

YANBU, it’s awful. But usually passes quick.

Don’t sit and dwell, distract yourself.

He will be ok. Soon he will probably love it.

Do you have to work? Is there another job/way to earn money?

Some kids take longer to settle. I remember this well - DD is now 3 and I started settling her at 11 months ahead of my return to work. Will nursery allow you to do extra shorter settles if he’s not coping? Tip - get there and try to watch him before he sees you, it’s the best indication of how he’s been.

Posters saying stuff like ‘do you need to work’ is unhelpful imo. I’m sure he will be fine - DD still has periods of ‘I don’t want to go to nursery’ aka this am, but is so excited when I pick her up and tells me about her day. You do have to be happy with the nursery too and ensure they’re being supportive if you’re finding it tough. I coped better by getting DH to do the drop offs at the beginning? Good luck!

Does anyone ever ask dads if they have to work?? Seriously, not helpful.

In answer to the question yes I do need to work as I'm a single parent so otherwise we would have no money!

My DD started in January. I cried the whole 30 minute commute and then burst in to tears again anytime anyone spoke to me in work (including my manager 👍). Got my DH to call to see how she was because I couldn't even entertain the thought of calling without crying again 🙈 anyway, she was fine, they said she'd play for a bit then get a bit upset so would go to one of the key workers for a cuddle, and then back to playing. Was fine at pick up though and, although she still makes a right drama about going in, she's absolutely fine now once she's there :)

YANBU. I felt awful leaving DS at the childminder's. And he was nearly 2. But sometimes you do not have a choice. I reminded myself that I'd rather have a crying child than a homeless child.
It is really hard though

I've just left my two year old mummys girl who's never been left with anyone other than my sister or nan, at nursery screaming blue murder. She is a perfectly happy little munchkin when I pick her up, she just doesnt like me leaving, see if they can send pictures or ring in the middle of the day and see if they're settled

Mine usually stops crying after 5 mins, yours probably does too

I posted a very similar post 4 years ago when my DC1 started nursery and screamed almost non stop there for the first 3 weeks. It's so hard walking away, you feel so awful. I remember getting lots of replies along the lines of 'do you have to work'/ 'he'd be better with a childminder' but after 3 weeks he never looked back, and has gone off to nursery/preschool/school very happily ever since. Try and remind yourself he WILL be ok and it's not going to harm him!

Do you have to work? Is there another job/way to earn money?

Yes, IS there another way to earn money? I'd be interested in knowing about that

FFS

OP. I think it would be odd if you didn't feel as you do. It's a very physical ache. It will get easier. Your DS will flourish. It feels like Christmas every time you pick them up!

It is really hard, but it will get easier.

I felt the same. I wandered around holding her coat for a bit. It gets better, promise

My DD cried at drop off for the first few weeks (she does 3 days) and it is so hard leaving them. But once she settled in she was fine, we have the odd blip if she's not slept well for example but is otherwise happy when I leave her now!

I used to ring and check DD was ok - they're used to it

It would be good to have parent friends who also use a nursery and you'll be able to talk openly without judgement.

Yes I agree it's good to give them a call. They really don't mind at it does put your mind at ease!

Mine started nursery at 5 months abd the ladies there said that’s actually easier. 11 months is quite a clingy time. But rest assured it will pass . Mine went through clingy phases .

Oh it will get easier honest! Dd took 4 weeks until she stopped doing heart-wrenching screams of “MUMMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!” whenever I dropped her off. She loves it now, she asks to go at the weekend! Also a single mum who has to work. The guilt is endless, but he’ll get there, honestly.

Oh my gosh I could have written this post this morning. Just dropped my son who is 14 months off at nursery he dropped to the floor crying and stretching his arms out for me. I had to leave ( yes haha I do have to work to that person who commented - what a strange / unhelpful thing to say) I drove off crying. Got to work called nursery and he's fine.

We did settling in sessions for most of January and this is second full week of two full days and three mornings.

My friend also drops her child off at this nursery and will confirm he is fine after I leave but it's breaking my heart leaving him in the morning. People told me about mum guilt but wow!

I really sympathise OP and I'm encouraged by the other posters on here.

Holding you hand and giving you a virtual hug xx

and hugs OP. No advice, but hope it gets easier for you and your wee one. (FWIW I worked in a nursery many moons ago, and they did all get there.)

One day you will feel really proud of him when he toddles confidently off!
I also used to call to check on my DS when he was settling.
Oh, and I too would like details of the 'other way' to earn money. Sounds good.

It will get better, it really will. And you will end up with such a confident child as a result! My Mum was a SAHM and other than 2-3 days of playgroup at age 3-4 I never had to do nursery, as a result I found starting school highly traumatic and cried nearly every day.

My Ds's have done 3-4 days a week at nursery 8-6 from 12 months. They adapted quickly and now at 4 and 7 are highly confident in new situations and also it reduces faff in the mornings - I can drop and go at 8.45 once the teachers are in the playground etc.