To feel mentally broken at leaving my DS in nursery?

[MissB83]

We had a bit of settling last week- it didn't go hugely well as he got very upset. I ended up just leaving him about 2 hours each time. He wasn't upset when I picked him up but he was a bit disturbed through the week.

Just left him screaming for his first full day (at 8am). Will ring at 11 and probably collect him around 2-3 so we can do something nice together.

I just feel completely exhausted and mentally broken. The experience of walking AWAY from him screaming and not being able to pick him up was so so hard. Now I feel crashed and flat and very weepy.

He's 11 months.

AIBU?!

@redspottydress

Do you have to work? Is there another job/way to earn money?

If you've found one, do share!

My youngest was terrible for the first few weeks of nursery being carried in screaming now he doesn't even give me a backward glance just bye mummy and off he goes.

My DS was like this during his settling week (also at 11 months). A couple of weeks later, he was a lot less upset and a month later he would grin and stretch out his arms to go to his keyworker when dropped off. He absolutely loves it now, he's in his element (18 months) and has formed good health attachments to staff and little friendships with the other children.

My DD also went to nursery from a young age and is confident and happy at school, while still being very close to us at home.

Please don't feel bad, stay strong and it WILL pass.

Yabu he'll be fine. Crack on with your day.

Mine took longer to settle at the childminder (started at 9 months) and still cries when I drop him off at 13 months. I’m reliably informed he’s stopped by the time they walk round the corner. And when I come to pick him up he’s pleased to see me but clearly is settled.

I did worry that he might never settle, but talked to childminder about it and she set my mind at rest. Personally I didn’t have such a strong reaction but I don’t think you’re bu!

Things I tell/ told myself - my childminder is massively experienced and would let me know if she feels that my son would be better in a different environment. Crying is communicating and he doesn’t like being patted, but not liking something doesn’t mean he’s being damaged. He is absolutely fine for the rest of the day. As an only child I value him being around other children and in new environments. He gets to play with new things (not toys exactly, he doesn’t seem to be too fussed about them!). And, it’s important to me to work and do things that aren’t being a mum.

The first few days are tough, but it should honestly get better and in a few weeks he'll happily be handed over to his key worker.

Is there any kind of window that you can see them through (without DS spotting you peeping) - for the first few days I used to go back after 10 mins and see for myself that he had stopped crying and the staff had settled him fine.

I would call now and put your mind at ease. Mine did this a few times and rhey always told me they settled within 5 or 10 mins. One time I dropped my youngest and then took my older son to his room upstairs. By the time I came back down and peaked in the window he was happy as Larry.

Our nursery were always happy for you to phone once you got to work if it had been a tricky drop off. Just call and put your mind at rest. And have a nice cup of tea and enjoy getting a lunch break today xxx

It gets easier x

OP, I've dropped DD off for her first full day too. We had a few little tears when she realised where she was but then she quickly calmed so we legged it. I've texted her room and they said she's fine - do get in touch and see how he's getting on.

Oh, and I don't have to work. I choose to, because I've worked bloody hard to get my career where it is now, and staying home full time just isn't for me. We spend our whole school career being told to work hard and pick a good degree. Do well in college, get a good job on graduation - I then studied for a further 8.5 years for my professional qualification, and am now due to start a PhD. Then you hit your 30s, have a baby and all of a sudden it's "Do you need to work?" and "Would you not go part time?". Not once has someone asked DH (who earns less than me) either of those questions - instead he's a fucking hero because he took one month's shared parental leave. Me, I'm cold for only taking nine month's maternity. Fucking patriarchy.

This is very very normal. I had 2 of the clingiest breast-fed high touch babies who I settled at nursery at 11 months.

They do settle at nursery once your back is turned. Hopefully you have observed the staff and the way they treat the little ones. He will be fine and happily playing very soon.

One trick is when you pick him up, peep into the room without him seeing you. I'll bet he is just going about his day in a bright environment. Once he sees you, he might burst into tears with arms extended - heart rending but all very normal. The staff have seen it all before.

Absolutely do not give up work - sheesh at some posters!

It's very difficult. I cried my eyes out the first time I left my DS with his childminder. As it happened, he never settled there and I moved him to a nursery after two months where he was MUCH happier - he didn't like being around older, noisier children at the childminder's and because she did playgroups and school pick ups etc he couldn't have proper naps which really affected him.

Anyway, he's 3.5 now and been at nursery four days a week since he was a year old. I cannot tell you how much it has helped his confidence, his speech, everything. He is by nature a very shy and sensitive child and his resilience has come along in leaps and bounds. He loves it.

And I have loved being back at work, it gives me freedom, independence and more of a sense of identity.

. We all know exactly how you feel.

Do you have to work? Is there another job/way to earn money?

ODFOD.

As a former child minder, please be assured that they are fine after drop off. Cuddles, an interesting activity and they are soon settled. I’ve been in both parent and carer positions and trust me, it is more upsetting for the adults. You will both be fine and soon be in a lovely routine.

The nursery staff should be encouraged to call you if they think he is massively upset. They don't like it too because it unsettles the other babies. Chances are he is absolutely fine within a few minutes and cuddles from the staff always helps.

My DS goes to a childminder 3 days per week, he struggled to start with but loves it now (it's been about 18 months).
He does still get upset if he's left with anyone out of routine. I had to leave him recently with my sister to go to work (he's not normally left with my sister) and he was really, really upset. I got in the car and cried! I felt so guilty, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do!
I always say to myself that he'll be fine in 5 minutes (and 99% of the time) he is, but it doesn't really make it any easier!

Is there another job/way to earn money?

I suppose I could earn money on my back. There is always that.

I felt the same when my son went to nursery part-time aged 1, but he has been so happy there since then, and it is excellent for his development and learning social skills etc. I do fully sympathise with how you are feeling now though x

Honestly they probably stopped crying the minute you were out of sight, it's the same when you babysit or get babysitters, child cries as parents leave then stop once we've gone, it's their way of making us feel guilty

I used to loiter in the foyer for 5 minutes or so once I left him crying. I could see him but he didn't know I was there. A couple of minutes after I left the room, he'd jump off his key workers knee and go and play. They are devious wee people and know the devastating effect their tears can have.

you obviously need to work, so you need to use childcare.
Firstly, are you happy with the nursery and your child’s keyworker? If so, then you just have to go for it and make it work. Encourage the bond with the keyworker and try to keep the handover in the morning to the same person and same routine. If the staff are kind and loving your child will be fine.
This will be hard but you need to focus on the long term goal here - stable finances and security for your child. He will settle in with time. Loads of families go through this and kids are ok.
Support and be kind to yourself as much as possible, don’t feel guilty as this won’t help.
Please be strong and as positive as you can be.
It will get better!
Lots of love and good luck!

My DS used to cry when I picked him up, he obviously had a great time being at nursery and hated going home with boring mum .

I used to work in a nursery setting and honestly, the vast majority of babies/children were absolutely fine the minute their parents left. The best way to deal with it, if you can, is to breezily drop them off and LEAVE - no loitering, no listening for tears, no phoning up - the nursery will contact you if there is a problem.

YANBU at all. Your feelings are yours and completely justified.

I was upset because my DS settled straight away and didn’t cry. I felt like the world’s worst mother and that he didn’t want to be with me!

Dammed either way I think!

Soon it will be the norm of your morning routine and he will have a great time making little friends.

Many years ago when my DS1 went to nursery for the first time ( after a few settling in days) he cried, he howled and he didn’t want me to leave, like you I felt terrible and cried all the way to work. Next day the same happened, as I walked back to the car I realised I could just glance through the window of the ‘baby room’ and there he was sitting with the nursery assistant on the floor playing happily ! Its not to say there weren’t more tears from both of us - I cried many times on the way to work and there were many days he didn’t want to stay there without me. It’s just change, they are ‘meant ‘ to miss you and your DC will be fine - honestly. And you will be too . He is now a strapping lad of 19 and does not seem any worse for being taken to nursery!

It's horrible but gets better. I bet they are fine after a few minutes. Nursery won't mind you calling to check

Oh poor you it's so hard at the start. I remember crying all the way to work on the first day back at work after dropping off mine. When my son started preschool I used to hide in the bushes outside and see if I could spy on him through the window. It does get easier and quite quickly although into doesn't feel like that at the time. Also once they're settled they have a Lovely time doing things you might not do with them at home and making friends. Hang in there

I know how you feel, I’ve just dropped 2 year old DS off at the childminders sobbing for Mummy. Ten minutes later and I had a photo of him playing happily!