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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel mentally broken at leaving my DS in nursery?

115 replies

MissB83 · 04/02/2019 09:12

We had a bit of settling last week- it didn't go hugely well as he got very upset. I ended up just leaving him about 2 hours each time. He wasn't upset when I picked him up but he was a bit disturbed through the week.

Just left him screaming for his first full day (at 8am). Will ring at 11 and probably collect him around 2-3 so we can do something nice together.

I just feel completely exhausted and mentally broken. The experience of walking AWAY from him screaming and not being able to pick him up was so so hard. Now I feel crashed and flat and very weepy.

He's 11 months.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
blueshoes · 04/02/2019 11:10

The second didn't stay, came through the swing doors with a great big Yeahhhhhhhhh!

Chances are, these are the mums of 2nd and subsequent children or mums whose children have been attending childcare regularly already.

It is not a big deal, but right now it feels like it is.

Worsethingshappen · 04/02/2019 11:14

Of course it’s a big deal. It doesn’t help to minimise it. Nor does it help to pretend its a good thing, when it doesnt feel like it.
Unfortunately, most parents don’t have a choice and need to work. But it’s certainly a big deal for a child to be left at nursery.
However, kids survive and adapt and most end up enjoying it. So parents have to make the most of it and do what they can to make things work out for the whole family.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/02/2019 11:15

DD cried so much at drop-off with our CM that I was worried the CM would refuse to have her. DD was 9mo. She even bottle refused with the CM too (who luckily was really experienced and just gave her a tippy cup instead). It did get better over time and consequently she settled very quickly into school and breakfast clubs etc. She's now 9yo, only has happy memories of the CM and certainly doesn't remember any tears.

It is horrible to leave them. My CM used to send me a picture about 10am of DD engaged in an activity looking happy.

DS cried every day at nursery (he only went one day a week), he was 2yo. He used to stand at the window most of the day and look for my car. The nursery were lovely and very gentle with him. I ultimately had to trust them that they would ring me if he was distraught but otherwise they were happy to cope with him. He settled with the CM on the other two days a week but struggled with the nursery setting. Ultimately I lost my job and 9 months later he walked into school nursery, happy as anything, no tears and loves it. I think he maybe needed the mum/home setting, which was more familiar when he was younger.

Bear2014 · 04/02/2019 12:26

Yes comments like that one by Ladyflop are really not helpful.

Everyone is different and some people can't imagine sending their babies to nursery - often people who have the luxury of choice!

Personally I need to work to pay the mortgage but having sent two children to nursery, seeing friends' children do the same I believe that a good nursery is a great thing, almost all children will enjoy it and benefit from it - and of course it provides the invaluable childcare. There is no need to feel guilty. If I won the lottery tomorrow and quit my job, I would not pull DS out of nursery as he clearly gets so much out of it.

blueshoes · 04/02/2019 12:38

Of course it’s a big deal. It doesn’t help to minimise it. Nor does it help to pretend its a good thing, when it doesnt feel like it. Unfortunately, most parents don’t have a choice and need to work. But it’s certainly a big deal for a child to be left at nursery.

A child benefits from interaction with others in addition to that of its parents. Where are the fathers starting posts about leaving children at nursery. Who deemed that it is fine to leave children at school but not in nursery. Of course children adapt. Being able to adapt is a great quality and a very necessary one.

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 04/02/2019 12:40

YANBU to be a bit emotional but I really wouldn't worry about it, he's probably having a ball with the other babies. I think nursery does so much for their self-confidence and independence, my DD absolutely loves nursery and actually cries when she has to come home with me at the end of the day 😬

Worsethingshappen · 04/02/2019 12:56

blueshoes - not sure why you’ve highlighted my post and how that relates to what you’ve written tbh?
I haven’t posted saying nursery is bad, or that the OP shouldnt send her child there. But i do think pretending the challenge and difficulty, and even sacrifices, that a child and/or parent has to make to settle in nursery doesn’t exist is just burying your head in the sand.

Though you talk about interaction and adaptability. Of course that is what we want for our children as they develop. But nursery is not essential for this.

LaurieMarlow · 04/02/2019 13:05

Wow only 11 months, that's very young, I couldn't do it.

Gosh, how helpful Ladyflop Confused

Given that the OP is the breadwinner for herself and her DC, perhaps you could suggest a way around using the nursery?

Oh, too hard? Then DFOD.

ememem84 · 04/02/2019 13:14

It’s awful. But it will get better. Ds was like this weirdly after being in nursery for 5 months. It was absolutely heartbreaking. I don’t need to work for the money but needed to go back for my own mental health and also didn’t want to take a career break.

I still feel the guilt now. But know it’s for the right reasons.

Ds is happy there though. He is always smiley and happy when I pick him up. Now it’s just the odd occasion where he cries on drop offs.

It does get easier. Xx

blueshoes · 04/02/2019 13:18

Worsethingshappen: blueshoes - not sure why you’ve highlighted my post and how that relates to what you’ve written tbh?

Because I disagree with the points you made? I thought that was obvious.

lilyblue5 · 04/02/2019 13:47

Oh gosh - I’m one of those awful mothers too, my poor children love nursery, I like my job, win win!
We could survive on husbands wage but I’d probably go mad. Mine started at 24 months and 10 months. 10 month old got on way better, he just settled straight in (maybe before the period where they get separation anxiety?) baby 3, though not yet born is booked in for 2020! He will be 9 months, there are babies as young as 3 months and I hardly ever see crying kids at drop off/pick up.

lilyblue5 · 04/02/2019 13:47

*14 months not 24

Worsethingshappen · 04/02/2019 13:49

Blueshoes -
So would agree with this? :
“Of course it’s not a big deal. It helps to minimise this sort of thing. It also helps that we can be certain it’s a good thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Fortunately, most parents have a choice, and choose to work.
But it is certainly not a big deal for a child to be start nursery.”

Do you have a child? Haven’t you experienced the impact of transitions and changes with them?
I believe big changes in care settings and primary careers are a big deal. I don’t believe that it’s best for all children to be cared for at home by a “parent”.

Worsethingshappen · 04/02/2019 13:49

Excuse obvious typo’s above

wendz86 · 04/02/2019 13:50

My youngest screamed the first few times i left her at the childminder. This stopped as soon as she settled into going properly 4 days a week. this morning my eldest was hugging me and my youngest tried to push me out the door. He and you will get used to it but it is hard!

Whereland · 04/02/2019 13:57

Oh it's such a horrible feeling isn't it 😭 I cried so much at the start and it took him
About 3 weeks to settle. I fully believed that he would never settled and would be traumatised forever more. But he did! Doesn't cry at drop off anymore and teaches for the childminder which I take as a great sign that she is caring and he is happy with her.
I promise it gets better!

CottonSock · 04/02/2019 14:00

They don't cry for long usually. In my experience the crying at drop off can last until they are about 3 though. I'm afraid it's just something I've had to try and ignore. Happy and quick goodbyes probably encouraged. We have spells of not crying, but it's more often than not.

TadaTralala · 04/02/2019 14:04

it does get easier! My DD is now at primary Y5 and shoves me out the door when I take her to school ;-)

HauntedPencil · 04/02/2019 14:14

I drop off quite late and the babies/toddlers that cried are already having fun my friend used to be in tears leaving her DD but she was usually playing by 9.30 tears all forgotten

The transition is a change for you both and if is hard at first but it will be much better once he's settled in properly

Unless you can find one of those jobs where you don't need to work jobs ConfusedWink

blueshoes · 04/02/2019 14:18

Worsethingshappen:

Blueshoes - So would agree with this? : “Of course it’s not a big deal. It helps to minimise this sort of thing. It also helps that we can be certain it’s a good thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Fortunately, most parents have a choice, and choose to work. But it is certainly not a big deal for a child to be start nursery.”

No, I don't agree with this.

Do you have a child? Haven’t you experienced the impact of transitions and changes with them? I believe big changes in care settings and primary careers are a big deal. I don’t believe that it’s best for all children to be cared for at home by a “parent”.

Yes, I have a child. Two in fact, both of whom attended nursery from 11 months. What you said is just your belief. I hate to break it to you but it is not a universal view. I have in fact experienced "the impact of transitions and changes with them" (erm, none after the initial adjustment). You are making it out to be a big deal when those of us with children who have been through it realise in hindsight it is not even though it may feel like it at the time.

My eldest is gearing up for GCSEs. Let me ask her if she thought it was a big deal.

LagunaBubbles · 04/02/2019 14:26

Wow only 11 months, that's very young, I couldn't do it

No but you can come on the internet and try and act superior though can't you?

Worsethingshappen · 04/02/2019 14:27

Blueshoes - you are extrapolating what a say a huge amount! I am easy going with what folk choose to do. I have friends and family that have done all sorts of different things with their “child rearing”. I can’t say I notice a particular difference between them.
I doubt your daughter will remember much about her transition to nursery...
You sound a bit stressed about this all. I dont want to anger you. I didn’t think that what I posted would be so inflammatory. Perhaps it’s transference or something?!
Anyway, I off now to deal with family stuff.
Have a good day.
I’m sure most of our kids will be just fine.

Yabbers · 04/02/2019 14:28

4 years of drop off and she cried every day.. sometimes she clung "doooont gooooo mummyyyyyy" and had to be peeled off me.

She bloody loved the place and always wanted me to give her "just ten more minutes" when I dropped her off.

It was hard, of course it was. It never got easier for me to hear it.

Most will settle quickly and for most it doesn't last beyond the first week or two.

iSiTbEdTiMeYeT1 · 04/02/2019 14:34

They will be fine and so will you :)
My little girl used to scream the place down when I left her I used to be so worried until one of the other mums said 'oh yours is the smily one' basically she screamed for effect. Little monster!
I remember working in a nursery also, we used to know when one child's parents where arriving because they used to watch out the window and have the most amazing melt downs the parents where always so worried they hated the place and we where not being truthful about how much they loved it till we started taking pictures.
Kids are much more devious than you give them credit for and they know exactly what buttons to press to get a response!
They will get there, as mentioned before just phone if your worried :)

LardLizard · 04/02/2019 14:35

I’m sure it will get easier as time goes on

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