To feel mentally broken at leaving my DS in nursery?

[MissB83]

We had a bit of settling last week- it didn't go hugely well as he got very upset. I ended up just leaving him about 2 hours each time. He wasn't upset when I picked him up but he was a bit disturbed through the week.

Just left him screaming for his first full day (at 8am). Will ring at 11 and probably collect him around 2-3 so we can do something nice together.

I just feel completely exhausted and mentally broken. The experience of walking AWAY from him screaming and not being able to pick him up was so so hard. Now I feel crashed and flat and very weepy.

He's 11 months.

AIBU?!

My now 2yo DD also started nursery at a11months. We have no local family so I had never left her with anyone else. It was a horrible first few weeks - she screamed at drop off and pick up and they reported she was pretty unsettled all day. Then about 3 weeks in, it was like a lightbulb moment - as if she suddenly realised it was pretty good fun and we've never had tears since, only smiles! I often had to/have to drag her away from whatever she is playing with at home time.

She is currently an only child, and we have no local family so having an opportunity to spend time with other children and adults has done her the world of good. She now has fantastic bonds with all of the staff, and loads of little friends. She chatters about them all the time at home!

It's only natural to feel guilty, but don't panic. He will settle and he will be fine and in a few months time it will be a distant memory (and in a years time you will wander why your toddler who is very much in the midst of the terrible twos at home is such a little angel for nursery...).

oh bless you, I have had the same recently and it is the worst. It goes against every instinct to not grab them for a cuddle when they are crying leaning over for you. But if your DS is anything like my DD he'll have settled in within minutes and be having loads of fun right now! Its so lovely going to pick them up and peeking through the window to see them happily playing away. Hope he settles in well and your next drop off is less hair-raising

What? Nobody has suggested taking in ironing yet!
😂

My nursery was great but we still had tears when I dropped her off to begin with, one one occasion she really cried, so I was going to ditch work/call in sick and collect her but when I rang to nursery to let them know she was totally fine. I suspect that your DS will be fine now.

Rang up just now and he had some breakfast but it has taken him a while to settle down, he finally went to sleep about 15 minutes ago. Made me feel worse if anything but just have to put my big girl pants on and get on with it!!!

It's so hard but also perfectly normal and this phase will pass eventually. My two used to do this to me and I would drive into work in tears at times too. They are now 13 and 15 and well-adjusted teenagers who still remember their time at nursery fondly, although they have no recollection of the tears and tantrums and find it hilarious when I describe how they used to have to be literally peeled off me so I could leave.

Sending hugs - this is totally normal for you both, as painful as it is. My twins started nursery part time recently, they both have ASD and they couldn’t care less when we leave or come back. That’s hard in a different way - I’m glad they’re not distressed but it does hurt sometimes. I’m sure it will get easier for you both x

It does get better. My DD went to nursery from 10 months old. For the first 3 weeks she cried a lot, including making herself sick a couple of times. I'd just decided that I couldn't do that to her and was going to give up work when she suddenly stopped and started being fine. She went 3 days a week for 4 years until she went to school and is fine.

It’s is hard, mine went at 12m. I think I cried too. She took a little while to settle but that’s her, she’s quite highly strung. She wouldn’t eat much or sleep hardly at all. Altho tbf she wasn’t much of an eater until about 2yrs anyway. We used to send her in with photos of loved ones, a comfort toy and talked a lot about her key worker. But it does get easier and quicker than you think-one day it’s “the norm” and then they start asking to go on days off (please do😂). She loves it now and has done for some time.
Its short term pain- they won’t remember and much easier than starting them later (so I’m told)

You are doing so well; it’s horrible and exhausting BUT, been through this twice now and very shortly they will run away when they see you come to collect them as they don’t want to go home!
The nursery will have been through this a million times and will know how to settle an anxious child. Also, your child will bond (to the point of slight jealousy ) to the nursery staff (in my experience anyway!).
You are right, you have to work and nursery is great for socialising, immune system, learning to cope with life without you all the time etc etc etc. Good luck OP it does get easier! I

DD was like this, then she would cry when I came to collect her after being fine all day.
Then she started crying because she didn’t want to go home

Giving you an Un-mumsnetty hug OP! I know how you feel, it's DS's first full day tomorrow and I'm dreading it. He was ok for his settling last week, but has been grumpy and clingy all weekend so god knows how he'll be tomorrow. I'm sure your DS will be absolutely fine, it's probably us who feel worse!

Try not to worry. I know it’s hard but it will pass. Also even if you leave it until they are 2 or 3 they still go bananas when you leave! It’s horrible but they often settle really quickly after you have gone.

Wow only 11 months, that's very young, I couldn't do it.

@Ladyflop 11 months isn't 'very young' at all. 12 months is the max maternity leave so around that age is the norm! In USA muns get 8 weeks off!

Good for you ladyflop 🙄

OP, he's eaten and he's fallen asleep so he can't be feeling too unsettled :)

A friend who was a school secretary used to say that on the first day of school there were two types of mothers. One had to be almost forcibly removed from the area, they could stay for half an hour on day one but some actually wanted to stay all day they then sat in her office sobbing. The second didn't stay, came through the swing doors with a great big Yeahhhhhhhhh!

Wow only 11 months, that's very young, I couldn't do it.

Good thing the OP isn't you then, isn't it?

Ladyflop
These threads always bring out comments like yours, usually from people who have zero understand that for some people it's not about whether they could do it or not, they have to.

But 11 months is well longer than average for maternity leave. How nice for you to have the choice to be able to 'not do that' Lady but many women want/need to keep their career going and being off over a year isn't going to help with that.

I am Ladyflop's worst nightmare. My son has been at nursery since he was 11 months old, not because I HAVE to work, but because I WANT to!

It is awful and he likely will settle with time, but just as an alternative voice to others, I wouldn't close myself off to other possibilities, if it continues for any length of time.

My eldest settled fine in nursery, the standard tears on leaving but very quickly content to stay. My youngest however never settled, cried when I left for months and cried on pickup also, we persevered for around 8 months and eventually had to take him out and change to childminder, the nursery environment just didn't suit him. He's changed as he's got older, settled fine in pre-school and runs in the door. Just different personalities.

Perhaps @Ladyflop is unfortunate in that she doesn't have a good job to return to.

I must say I'm realky bad for dump and run, we have a quick hug and a kiss, handover and run 😂 the more you stay ths longer they cry!

I am Ladyflop's worst nightmare. My son has been at nursery since he was 11 months old, not because I HAVE to work, but because I WANT to!

Me too!

And to the poster who asked if the OP had to work....I would be really interested in whether you've ever asked a dad that question?