Not to buy a wedding gift?

[Mentalhealthworries]

We’ve been invited to a wedding this spring. It’s a couple in their 40s (second marriage for both). Would you buy a wedding gift? They don’t have a list and have said it’s presence not presents. The wedding is in a small country hotel and we’ve been given a room paid by them for the night. I’m not sure as they don’t have a gift list?? What do you think, would AIBU to turn up without gift?

I think I must be the only one, but I could never just shove cash in an envelope for a wedding. I think it's bad enough when couples ask for cash rather than a wedding list (although I appreciate it's becoming very normal) but just giving cash in lieu of a gift would suggest to me that you couldn't be bothered to think of something personal to the couple.

I wouldn't turn up empty handed - if you can't think of something they'd like then I agree with others who suggest taking them out for a meal / red letter day voucher. Just pop a note in the card saying you want to take them out for supper / send them skydiving / deep sea fishing / salsa dancing / you get the gist.

The thing with all those ideas is that they involve you making assumptions about what they want. And unfortunately, just because you put thought into something doesn't mean you've done a good job. Cash is like a note in the card that lets them choose whether they want a salsa dance, a meal out or a chunk paid off the mortgage. You know they'll get some use out of it.

@chingling really? I couldn't afford a £100 gift and I actually bloody love afternoon tea. Don't be a snob.

Previous suggestions are good.

We are getting married in a couple of weeks and have asked for no gifts (2nd marriage for both of us.) The amount of requests as to "what we really want" has been overwhelming.
People are completely stumped at the thought that they shouldn't bring a gift - family particularly so. So I've caved and told them champagne or money is fine as currently we can't afford a honeymoon. Everyone has said "Great, money it is then!"

When I tried the "money to a charity" route, people just made this face and said they'd give us a cheque.
I guess we'll be making a sizeable charity donation after the wedding!

I'm very touched that people love us and want to give a gift, but we genuinely just want to see people on the day. I would be completely fine if we didn't receive a single thing ( as per our request!) but as to Mr and Mrs tat - Hell to the No!

We said “no gifts” and meant it. IF you know what they like (and only if you do!) get a bottle if wine. or a donation to a charity IF they have one you KNOW they are connected to.
We got some other stuff, some is in a box in the attic, some got lost in a move. ignoring people’s wishes isn’t nice.

Yes, get a gift.

Why is it so hard to ignore the ‘no gifts’ request, why is your need to do something you feel is ‘socially acceptable’ more important than the hosts’ request that they genuinely don’t want anything. Vouchers, wine, champagne etc is only useful if you are 100% sure you know peoples’ taste. Thousands of pounds worth of vouchers go unclaimed every year.

And not everyone wants or needs cash, although as a PP said at least you could give the cash to charity, if people turn their noses up at ‘charity request gifts’.

You are not mean to not take a gift. We are grown ups getting married this year, we are aware just coming to a wedding can cost guests enough...I would rather they are there than worried about a gift. If you want to take something..either booze or if they aren't big drinkers then a Waitrose or m&s voucher with a note to treat themselves to a nice meal after the wedding (it's lovely to have a treat once you.are skint after the event). If there are a group of you then putting some photos from the day in a book is also a lovely idea.

Exactly Ragwort that's what I want to know.

I think it could be down to whether you are a 'shopping/stuff' person or not.

Shopping/stuff people see weddings as an opportunity to go shopping and buy something and they see a 'no gifts' request as denying them what they see as something they 'have' to do.

But if you're not a shopping/stuff person, being given something that you have explicitly said you do not want, is rarely appreciated. Most of the gifts that people have said they would buy anyway, might be appreciated by some, but equally most will be hated and the recipient really really wishes you hadn't bothered as what you have bought is guilt about the waste and obligation to do something productive with them.

I would be happy with fizzy wine or vouchers for a shop I would use anyway, but Mr & Mrs mugs, cushions or other tat, I would just bin, photo frames, candles and anything similar would go to the charity shop and vouchers for shops you don't use or experiences are usually a pain in the arse because you either have to add to the vouchers, work out a convenient date to use the vouchers before they expire, or use a shop you don't normally use because you don't want anything they sell, or it is expensive compared to shops that sell similar products (John Lewis I am looking at you).

And the buyers might think that the recipients of all this unwanted tat they have foisted on people is appreciated, but it probably isn't because everyone is too polite to say anything other than 'thank you, it's lovely' so the cycle continues.

Maybe when waste and overconsumption becomes socially unacceptable, things may change, here's hoping.

I couldn’t go empty handed, especially if they had paid for a room. I think I would get M & S/ Debenhams vouchers.

FGS don't buy Debenhams vouchers, they've been teetering on the edge of going bust for years, another reason not to buy vouchers.

I am getting married in June. We have requested no gifts.

The reason for this is that we are moving to Malaysia two weeks after our wedding. Any physical gift we get I have to flog/junk in that two already busy weeks, any vouchers have to be spent/used up in that time, creating more stuff I have to flog/junk, more pressures on our limited time.

I have specific charities I support. There are many I actively boycott. Guests are running a gauntlet if they decide to donate to a charity, particularly as I will ask for my name to be removed from any donations to charities I don't approve of. You have to be really sure of the charity you are giving to or you risk offending the couple with your choice.

We're Muslim, so alcohol is a big no no. I think it's really problematic the way people automatically assume everyone drinks. It makes situations very awkward for people who dont want to go into their reasons for not drinking and creates a weird pressure to drink. Do not get people alcohol unless you know them well enough to be sure you are giving them something they will actually enjoy.

If you absolutely have to give a gift, give cash. It's the only thing that can always be useful, regardless of circumstances. Tbh, if people decide to give us cash it will be most useful and gratefully received, but at the same time I am aware of how many friends are struggling, and do not have the opportunity I do to move away from the current crisis. Receiving money from them would definitely activate my ex-Catholic guilt and worry that I will be on the other side of the world and unable to look out for them in the way they are looking out for me. I would want to find a way to return the money to them without offending them.

Literally, the only other think I can think I would appreciate would be some very nice tea, as I will definitely be drinking enough to drown an army as I race around like a headless chicken trying to get my affairs in order for the big move.

All in all, I think it's far, far easier to take the "presence not presents" request at face value. There may be reasons they actively don't want presents that you are not aware of. If you really cannot bear the thought of not taking a gift, resolve to ask them out for dinner, your treat, a month or so after the wedding once they are settled into their new lives together. It can be your little secret that it was their wedding gift all along.

I would definitely buy a gift, especially as they paid for your hotel room.

Not stuff though, maybe some vouchers for something they enjoy?

Don't get an "experience" gift- I've found that they are quite a hassle: often restricted to particular times of year, time-limited, and requiring travel. More trouble than they're worth.

@SayaMempunyaiBeberapaMasalah

I know exactly what you mean! When we got married out life was changing. There big things that would change with our lifestyle & home etc, but we weren't in a position to tell many of the guests about yet.

Stuff we would previously have enjoyed we knew we wouldn't be able to do anymore. We knew we had a really crazy year coming up, which again we couldn't tell anyone about at the time of our wedding. So we made a wedding list of stuff that we knew would be useful. Anyone that went off list was unfortunately an inconvenience, - we
just wouldn't have any use for 'stuff' or vouchers for random shops even if they did put lots of thought into it.

Experiences got wasted (was able to let my mum use one, but I think we got 3 for afternoon teas, days out etc) but with our life being so crazy in the months after our wedding, trying to look at options for them just wasn't a priority. Drinking champagne definitely wasn't on the cards. Any 'stuff' like photo frames etc we got given went into storage and I'm afraid is probably still on a box in the loft!

If someone says no gifts please don't do a gift. Stick with cash if your conscious won't let you give nothing.