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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to buy a wedding gift?

139 replies

Mentalhealthworries · 03/02/2019 17:44

We’ve been invited to a wedding this spring. It’s a couple in their 40s (second marriage for both). Would you buy a wedding gift? They don’t have a list and have said it’s presence not presents. The wedding is in a small country hotel and we’ve been given a room paid by them for the night. I’m not sure as they don’t have a gift list?? What do you think, would AIBU to turn up without gift?

OP posts:
Monty27 · 04/02/2019 07:54

I'd do a very nice card with about 100 notes in it. Depending if you can afford, or get them a plant for their garden. They probably really just want you there Smile

WaxMyBalls · 04/02/2019 08:03

Give cash. They want cash. In particular, don't get them any personalised Mr and Mrs tack, even if unlike the poster concerned you actually know those are the names and titles they'll be using afterwards.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 04/02/2019 08:07

They said no gifts. So no gifts. If they wanted cash then they should have said so. Give them a nice card. I agree, Barbara. It's a second wedding, they're having an actual wedding because they want rather than trotting off the registry office.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 04/02/2019 08:08

You wouldn't turn up to someone's home empty handed would you?

Even if they ask you not to bring/give them anything?

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 04/02/2019 08:09

We are going to a small second wedding in a couple of weeks and have got the couple a lovely personalised cushion with Mr and Mrs est *th February 2019 on it.Its lovely and not over the top.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 04/02/2019 08:12

and its a tasteful one!

Chilledout11 · 04/02/2019 08:12

150 - 200 is the minimum people give where we live. But especially as they are paying for your room!!!!! Empty handed is very mean.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 04/02/2019 09:03

For a second wedding, Chill? It's their choice that they wanted to have a production and pay for lodging.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 04/02/2019 09:05

God, where do you live? What if you don't have that kind of money to give? You just don't go then? Or you've already paid out for their first wedding, where does it end? I've got plenty of mates who've been married 3 times each, so £600 for getting married over and over.

MarthasGinYard · 04/02/2019 09:06

Yabu to take nothing

A bottle of champagne or a voucher at the very least

Birdy65 · 04/02/2019 09:09

Maybe a bottle of champagne and also a nice photo frame?

RangeRider · 04/02/2019 09:25

Why does everyone always assume people will appreciate the gift off wine or fizz ??
This ^^. And how many photo frames do you need in this age of digital photos? Cash, vouchers, a donation to a charity of their choice (if they're like that), or a plant if they have a big enough garden & enjoy doing stuff in it (I'd be inwardly growling as I don't have enough room for more plants in the borders - a planted up tub on the other hand...)

MarthasGinYard · 04/02/2019 09:28

TBH if I get an invitation for dinner at someone's house I'd always take something, so a wedding where they have sorted my accommodation also I wouldn't dream of no gift.

oreoxoreo · 04/02/2019 12:24

If they haven't explicitly said no gifts (in which case I would still give them a bottle of champagne or so), I would give them cash and a bottle still. It would be rude to go without gifts especially as they are paying for your room.

SandAndSea · 04/02/2019 13:29

Please don't buy them a bottle of fizz or a photo frame.

thecatsthecats · 04/02/2019 14:02

If it means offending people on the internet, then I think it's a price worth paying to say that the number of people who like Mr&Mrs tat are far outstriped by those who think they're, well, tat!

Though Mumsnet is no better or worse than any other internet source for guidance on this.

I was too busy to do anything but foolishly heed the advice that 'you don't need to announce you AREN'T changing your name'... yes you bloody do!

Honeyroar · 04/02/2019 16:05

We got loads of bottles of fizz for wedding presents. They lasted us for over two years - we used to take them on picnics or camping. It was lovely. I missed them when they ran out! Even if you’re not keen on champagne yourself you’ve got a stock of nice presents for other people if need be!

WoollyMummoth · 04/02/2019 17:59

I can’t see why not taking a gift is causing such displays of horror and indignation. The couple have requested NO GIFTS, how about respecting their wishes. Turn up, enjoy their day with them,job done.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 04/02/2019 18:01

Exactly, Woolly. They said NO gifts, so respect that.

GahWhatever · 04/02/2019 18:17

We married in our 40s. Said no presents. Meant it.
We did not cash the cheques we were given. We did spend vouchers but only so they weren't wasted and honestly would rather not have had to travel to a city over an hour away to peruse a department store when we hate shopping and needed nothing.
It was just something we felt we had to do and was pressure at a time we didn't need it. Sounds ridiculous but honestly, the vouchers were a bit cringy. The small but personal things we got were appreciated but mostly boxed for the memories. Someone gave us mugs and we used those for a while.

We were hurt/disappointed slightly by those who didn't give a card or sign the guest book: the second time around for us was all about making memories and for some of our guests to not participate in that on the day was a surprise.
So, obviously I'm projecting but it would be rude to take nothing, so stick to tiny, personal, something you know they'd like or use immediately, and make an effort to participate in all the elements of the day. My favourite presents were a puzzle book (as we love puzzles), a bottle of something unusual they knew we'd love, and oddly a heart shaped frame with a google maps satellite image of the venue on it. All small but personal and no pressure to keep them when we already have most of a lifetime's worth of stuff accumulated.

BrokenWing · 04/02/2019 18:26

it’s presence not presents

They sound like a lovely couple, even paying for the room so you must be close.

I'd struggle to not give them anything (my issue!) so would maybe return the thought by giving them an invite, with an equally nice/cheesy phrase, to allow you to treat them to a meal out with you in a couple of months in return.

Ragwort · 04/02/2019 18:29

I think you should respect the ‘no gifts request’. Most people really mean it and don’t want to be cluttered up with naff gifts, unusable vouchers or alcohol that is not specific to their taste.

We had an exceptionally small wedding, five guests and thankfully no gifts.

For our DS’s christening we specified ‘no gifts please’ but still got some, we genuinely don’t want/need anything, The same with my significant birthdays, I love entertaining but I don’t want anymore presents. I am fortunate in that I can choose whatever wine I want to drink and don’t need someone else’s idea of a ‘nice’ bottle of wine/champagne, or plants when I am a useless gardener.

Actually I do like charity ‘goat’ gifts, but no one ever gives them to me.

If someone says ‘no gifts’ Why is it so hard to ignore that? Hmm.

And yes, I do give loads of unwanted gifts to charity shops.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 04/02/2019 18:33

So, obviously I'm projecting but it would be rude to take nothing,

But you yourself said no gifts on your invitations and so did they.

Ragwort · 04/02/2019 18:36

Not everyone needs/wants cash ... I have been married twice, the first time it was nice to get toasters, China, glassware etc that we were collecting; by the time I got married again DH & I were combining two households (weirdly we had the same Habitat China dinner service Grin) & genuinely didn’t need anything else. We were also in a good place financially, sold two houses to buy one, both on good salaries, no children, it would have been embarrassing to accept ‘cash gifts’ from friends who were probably a lot worse off that we were.

Smallhorse · 04/02/2019 18:54

No gift is perfectly acceptable.

In these circumstances I have arranged a delivery of flowers a few weeks after the event.