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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to buy a wedding gift?

139 replies

Mentalhealthworries · 03/02/2019 17:44

We’ve been invited to a wedding this spring. It’s a couple in their 40s (second marriage for both). Would you buy a wedding gift? They don’t have a list and have said it’s presence not presents. The wedding is in a small country hotel and we’ve been given a room paid by them for the night. I’m not sure as they don’t have a gift list?? What do you think, would AIBU to turn up without gift?

OP posts:
Oddcat · 03/02/2019 19:05

I'm on the fence . On the one hand people mumsnet are always saying to respect others wishes , the couple chose to pay for the room I would guess , weren't forced to do so and have said no gifts .

On the other hand I'd feel a bit mean not getting them a gift .

EmUntitled · 03/02/2019 19:09

I definitely wouldn't get them a bottle of champagne unless you know they're champagne drinkers. We got 3 at our wedding in 2014 and only just drank the last one at new year because we don't really drink.

MadisonAvenue · 03/02/2019 19:11

My sister married last year and didn't want gifts, we couldn't go empty handed though so gave them some currency for their city break honeymoon and wrote in the card for them to have dinner on us.

Another family member married last year, a second marriage for her and her new husband, and she hadn't mentioned gifts in the invitation so I contacted her son to see what their preference in wine was (I rarely see the bride and she lives 200 miles away) was told that they wanted money.

SandAndSea · 03/02/2019 19:15

I think many of us of a certain age already have enough 'stuff' and would literally hate to receive fizz or named things . I would definitely rather have nothing than more unwanted stuff.

But, you can never have enough cash or John Lewis vouchers. I don't think you can go wrong with those.

Sparkletastic · 03/02/2019 19:21

Posh wine
Jo Malone or Dyptique candle
John Lewis vouchers
Theatre vouchers

Do not arrive empty handed.

Cinnamon12345 · 03/02/2019 19:27

They've requested no gifts so the best thing is to honour their request. You don't need to take anything.

FraggleRocking · 03/02/2019 19:39

Honour their wishes, but get them a meaningful card. We requested no gifts at our wedding. Some ignored it and of course we were grateful for anything received but couples don’t make a specification like that without a reason.

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 19:47

The bride and groom are nice and polite by not asking any gift.

The friends are nice and polite by bringing a gift.

To be honest, that's why I much prefer a gift lift, it makes the whole thing so effortless but vouchers are the easy way out.

SandAndSea · 03/02/2019 19:52

The bride and groom are nice and polite by not asking any gift.

The friends are nice and polite by bringing a gift.

^^ Completely agree!

It's hard to ask for money or vouchers.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 03/02/2019 20:02

The trouble with gifts is , you buy what you would like - look how many posters are telling you to buy nice champagne. Personally, I cant sand the filth, it would be regifted, no matter the price.

You must know them very well, if they are paying for your room, then you know whether they would be appreciative of any clutter gifts you might give.

Vouchers, what sort of vouchers? People are suggesting towards a meal - do you know what sort of restaurant they might like? Would they have to add to it? what happens to any money left over?

Oxfam goat et al. This has to be THE WORST gift ever, its just so awful, virtue signalling.

I would do what they ask ' presence not presents' and take them out for a meal after &/or photos

newmun · 03/02/2019 21:10

A yankee candle called wedding day???

Youknowmedontyou · 03/02/2019 21:15

*The trouble with gifts is , you buy what you would like - look how many posters are telling you to buy nice champagne. Personally, I cant sand the filth, it would be regifted, no matter the price.

You must know them very well, if they are paying for your room, then you know whether they would be appreciative of any clutter gifts you might give.

Vouchers, what sort of vouchers? People are suggesting towards a meal - do you know what sort of restaurant they might like? Would they have to add to it? what happens to any money left over?

Oxfam goat et al. This has to be THE WORST g*
ift ever, its just so awful, virtue signalling.

Crikey

Champagne = filth - would your husband get a say?

Vouchers for a meal - well how many people have such a restricted diet that most main stream restaurants can't accommodate?

And a Goat is virtue signalling!

Jeez OP don't get hung up if this post, most people would be grateful of the sentiment .... honestly!

Bambamber · 03/02/2019 21:26

The have asked for no gifts, so I wouldn't feel rude turning up with no gifts. If they wanted gifts why would they specify no gifts?

We specified no gifts, and we were a bit miffed when the majority of our guests turned up with gifts. We genuinely thought that specifying no gifts meant people wouldn't get us gifts

Chickychoccyegg · 03/02/2019 21:35

did they say no gifts though? from what you said it sounds like they're putting more emphon presence but haven't actually said no gifts.
I'd get a voucher for a nice restaurant or for a shop, probably John Lewis.
I wouldn't even consider turning up at a wedding with no gift, that would be rude, even if they had actually stated no gifts

Chickychoccyegg · 03/02/2019 21:36

*emphasis

FlipF · 03/02/2019 21:37

How about inviting them for a nice restaurant meal with you after the wedding. Then it’s more of a treat rather than gift.

noenergy · 04/02/2019 06:25

To me no gifts means that they don't want kettles and toasters etc as they have everything and that they would like cash but don't want to ask for it!!!

Megan2018 · 04/02/2019 06:45

YABVU!
I would never go empty handed to a wedding-doesn’t matter if it is their 2nd or 6th wedding either.
Cash or vouchers and bottle of fizz if no list.
Never nothing, that would be incredibly rude in my circles.

kelly14 · 04/02/2019 06:57

No I would never turn up without a gift even if that’s what they specified. I would give cash or a voucher In that case.

I would also be asking how much I owed for the room, I wouldn’t let them pay for my room,If they were really insistent then I would be putting in enough cash to cover the room and another 50-100 on top for “gift”

Thehop · 04/02/2019 07:03

We didn’t get presents from a few guests and it didn’t matter a jot, people spent a lot of money coming.....but if they’re paying for your hotel room I would yes.

AJPTaylor · 04/02/2019 07:09

I would stick 50 quid in an envelope. Or if you don't want to I would get a v tasteful silver photo frame from JL. The only problem with the latter is what if you are the only one? Or you could send a nice bunch of flowers after as a thank you.

BarbaraofSevillle · 04/02/2019 07:28

The OP has said it's 'presence not presents' that they want, so why on earth do people see the need to waste time and money buying a load of unwanted crap like photo frames, candles, personalised Mr and Mrs shite (who says they are going to be Mr and Mrs anyway) that the bride and groom will feel guilty about not wanting. A present is not always a nice gesture, if the recipient genuinely doesn't want it.

If they can afford a country house wedding and pay for accomodation, then if they actually wanted candles, photo frames etc, they would have bought them already and don't want their house stuff with more stuff that they don't want.

KC225 · 04/02/2019 07:45

You wouldn't turn up to someone's home empty handed would you? Its a but rude. Specifying no gifts at a wedding usually means cash or no woks/steaks knives. As they haven't asked for cash and have paid for your room. I think champagne at least - we went to a similar 2nd wedding. Neither were fancy drinkers but were keen gardeners and we moving into a new place. We bought them a young tree (trees direct) for their garden they seemed very happy with it.

BarbaraofSevillle · 04/02/2019 07:49

Or they were being polite. This is the problem. People are saying it is rude to turn up without a gift, but it is also rude to say anything except 'thank you, it's lovely', so people go round in circles buying stuff that people don't want because everyone is too polite to be honest about what they really feel and end up stuck with unsuitable trees that they have to maintain, or photo frames they don't like and have to either use and display or guilty donate to charity.

WisteriaPurple · 04/02/2019 07:51

noenergy I agree with you. Had this recently at family member's wedding, so we put cash in the card. Received a lovely thank you card printed with a pic of the happy couple at the wedding afterwards. I would never turn up empty handed.