Not to buy a wedding gift?

[Mentalhealthworries]

We’ve been invited to a wedding this spring. It’s a couple in their 40s (second marriage for both). Would you buy a wedding gift? They don’t have a list and have said it’s presence not presents. The wedding is in a small country hotel and we’ve been given a room paid by them for the night. I’m not sure as they don’t have a gift list?? What do you think, would AIBU to turn up without gift?

Maybe a decent bottle of wine or champagne in a personalised wooden box. x

Bottle of champagne. Compact and easy to regift if they don’t want it. Most people do like champagne though.

Please no Mr and Mrs gift!!!!

I think a good balance would be to buy them a voucher for the hotel you are staying in, for a room- that they can use on their first anniversary. Similar price (obviously!) to them paying for your room, yet clutter free and still really thoughtful!

if you cant afford the huge lump sums people are coming up woth on here.what about something like a bloom and wild delivery or biscuiteers.if you think they are the type of people that do mean no gifts then only you can know them enough for this. but a little gift of the ones above would be a lovely things to receive on ur wedding I think

We deliberately didn’t ask for anything when we got married - we didn’t want people to feel obligated.
We were very lucky though and got some really thoughtful things, they were so personal -
My best friend gave us a love Crystal and a handmade card (she’s an artist)
Voucher for afternoon tea at a lovely hotel near us
Gift set of posh champagne
Photo frame
Euros for our Spanish honeymoon
Honestly given that they’ve paid for your room i wouldn’t turn up empty handed, but I wouldn’t anyway.

Some really weird comments above - they specifically asked for no presents, and in my circle that's not uncommon and genuinely means no presents.

Giving cash as some people have suggested would be very odd in my eyes.

It all depends on what kind of people they are, and to a point, how well off they are. if they are both on second marriages it is very likely they do not want any more stuff.
I agree with the PP who suggested flowers and a thoughtful card a few weeks after the wedding to say thank you

I’d also get them something. Even if it is a cheap gift. It still counts.

Do they like walking etc? A joint National Trust membership would be a nice gift - we've done that a few times.

Whoever it was that said afternoon tea isn't a thing - it is in this part of the world! I love going for afternoon tea, as do my kids, and many of my friends and family.

When we got married, 15 years ago, we got given loads of bottles of fizz. We still have some of it as we really don't drink much at all.

I think a voucher for a meal out (including offering to babysit if necessary) to somewhere nice is a good plan.

Thank you flowers afterwards sounds nice.

I couldn’t show up empty handed but I would take ‘no gifts’ to mean ‘please, please don’t give me something I will have to dust for the next 40 years’.

I would go with a card and bottle of champagne (you are obviously good friends so should know whether they like champagne or consider it ‘filth’) or a gift certificate for a meal out or some kind of couples experience, perhaps something they could do on their honeymoon.

We said no gifts when we got married - second wedding for both of us and we had two (in some cases three) of everything already. We got champagne and two glasses (used those at the wedding), some posh napkins and napkin rings, a cheque, a gift certificate, and a weekend away paid for by someone’s loyalty points. I was very grateful for all of that. But those people knew me/us we’ll enough to know what we liked and would not have felt comfortable attending a wedding empty handed.

I think I must be the only one, but I could never just shove cash in an envelope for a wedding. I think it's bad enough when couples ask for cash rather than a wedding list (although I appreciate it's becoming very normal) but just giving cash in lieu of a gift would suggest to me that you couldn't be bothered to think of something personal to the couple.

I wouldn't turn up empty handed - if you can't think of something they'd like then I agree with others who suggest taking them out for a meal / red letter day voucher. Just pop a note in the card saying you want to take them out for supper / send them skydiving / deep sea fishing / salsa dancing / you get the gist.

I wouldn’t turn up to a dinner party empty handed, and I think the same principle applies here. They are hosting you for the day and have paid for your bedroom.
They won’t want a tonne of “stuff” if they are on their second marriage, but the suggestions of vouchers for something or a subscription.
Or maybe message them and say you would like to bring something as a gift to celebrate and is there anything they would particularly like?

Reverse

We asked for no presents but some people insisted so we had to think of something we wanted. I would have hated anything personalised and wouldn't want to turn up with something they then had to take care of. How about a pre-wedding present such as nice wine, meal vouchers (something that can help them relax in the lead up to the wedding).

I'm surprised you'd even consider going empty handed when they've even paid for the room for you

This thread is bonkers, the couple have explicitly said no gifts, so of course it wouldn't be rude to go empty-handed, room or no room!

What about something small, a nice pair of earrings for her and cufflinks for him.
Laird or lady gifts of Scottish woodlands are fun.
Or a donkey care thing
The cow in Africa... Something unusual that will bring a small for a few seconds.
How could anyone turn up with nothing, I would be ashamed to do that...

We asked for no presents when we got married. We’d been together a while and didn’t want anything

If that’s what they’ve said then don’t buy them a gift.

We got lots of Mr & Mrs stuff, bottles of champagne, photo frames, rose bushes, etc, etc. We hate champagne, neither of us are keen on wine and absolutely hate ornaments and that kind of stuff, neither of us like gardening and I can kill a pot plant without even trying.

Get a voucher for a local restaurant they like or something like that if you feel you must get something

@EmUntitled it's the easy solution isn't it? Bung them a bottle of champagne/wine. I always find it a measure of how well our friends actually know us tbh. Those that do realise we don't drink wine or champagne and still have bottles of the stuff from our wedding 25 years ago.
Much more thought in a meal voucher or a nice rose bush for the garden IMO.

I’d probably give them some cash or a donation to charity in their name, a friend gave us a donation to unicef which came with a card saying it paid for a baby to be delivered which I thought was a lovely gift. Don’t get them personalised stuff, not everyone likes it and it’s rubbish having to keep framed poems etc round the house to please people if it’s really not your taste! You also can’t give it to charity so it’s such a waste.

I'd give one of those experience packages, more of the romantic weekend getaway/meal type.

But it really depends on what they like.

For some reason, I don't find it difficult to find gifts for people I know well. There's always something they'll enjoy.

I'm not a fan of vouchers or only money, unless specifically requested, and without a small thoughtful gift attached. Donations without being asked, or knowing they actively support one, are horrible presents, IMO.

Now, if you tell us what you know about them and specific items that they might enjoy, it's a different game.

I'd go with vouchers, DH and I don't drink champagne and I would be quite upset if someone bought me anything with Mr and Mrs on it as it would have to be binned (or live out its life in the loft).

If they said no gifts, then don't take a gift! They probably have all the 'stuff' they need by now.

I agree with others if you feel inclined to give something then cash or vouchers for somewhere you definitely know they shop.

I think we've still got Champagne in the cupboard from our wedding 6 years ago. And some vouchers for experiences I'm afraid accidentally put expired as we struggled to find convenient dates or options before time ran out on them. We had a gift list of stuff we actually could do with, including vouchers and it still baffles me why some people insisted on going off list with things that really aren't us!

Honestly, they probably really don't want you spending money on stuff that might get wasted or take up space in already full lives.

Someone bought us afternoon tea at a nice hotel (in the form of a voucher to use when we wanted). We loved it. I stole the idea and have bought the same for a few couples since. I search online for a nice place near where they live.

I don’t think your YABU that’s what they’ve said so you can honour it, a token in the way of a bottle but anything more and your going against their wishes. Maybe you can take them for a night out at a later date but sounds like they want company not ‘stuff’
But go with what you’d feel comfortable with

**I would buy a gift, I'd get them something Mr & Mrs "name" est 2019

I'm pretty sure that is the exact sort of tat they are trying to avoid 🤦🏻‍♀️ they are in their 40s and it's their second marriage for heavens sake...

Money/gift card or some bubbly would be just fine I think