About my attitude to this money? (Sorry, long post!)

[welshmountainlovely]

Can I start by saying this post is not a stealth boast, I am hugely aware of how lucky I am.
Will give some background; when we first met,DH owned a flat outright, and had a big chunk of savings.
I moved in with him, and paid for food, contributed to nights out etc. No contribution to the running of the flat (his idea as I was on a low salary at the time).
We got married, and had our DC's. We then moved house into the house we will stay possibly for ever. The house was paid for by DH taking out a small mortgage on the flat, his savings, my (small amount of) savings. The house legally belongs to both of us. It has no mortgage. We had a bit of money left over. We don't have a joint account, but the money we have is split between his and my accounts
The flat was rented for a while, which covered the mortgage. No profit was made (just so you can see dh isn't a money grabbing landlord!)
He's recently sold it, so now has as not unsubstantial amount of cash in the bank again.
To my AIBU finally! There is quite a bit of stuff that needs to be done to our current home to make it nice. Not fancy, but a home we can take pride in. I reckon we need to spend about 10grand.
DH has always been exceptionally careful with money. Its due to this that we are mortgage free so I feel very lucky. But, he doesn't really like spending money on "things" (furniture, for example) as he thinks our kids will ruin it etc.
Personally, I love nice stuff but also don't have fancy tastes, so to speak. I'd much rather get a coffee table with character from the local second hand shop than one from John Lewis.
I've gone through things I think we should buy / do to the house. Some he has agreed to, some he hasn't.
He is going to invest the money so we have a secure future and will be able to afford to live well-ish when we retire. Totally the right thing to do. But equally, we're living in the here and now and I want this time to be nice too.
The words "it's my money" have been said by him a few times. He's right, I did nothing to contribute to it, at all. However my retort is "we're married so legally it's half mine", but then just trying to get him to see I should have some say over how that money is used to ensure we have a lovely home to bring our family up in.
So, AIBU to want some control over this cash so it can be spent on things now? Or accept the fact that as it was his prior to us getting together, he had full day over how it's used (I have no concerns at all, btw,of it not being invested in a way that is best for him me and the kids).

Jeez that was long, so sorry!

I think it’s his money, and it’s up to him if he wants to invest it.

Rather than presenting him with a list of things you want for 10 grand, why not prioritise, and work on getting a few things done this year, a few next year etc.

Nope, it’s family money. You get a say too.

Can't you buy the stuff you want for the house with the money you earn? It all sounds a bit 1950s to me - sorry, OP!

Baroness would be happy to prioritise. I'm not just saving "give me £10000 to spend, please"! It's just there are some things he would never see as a priority. So how much do I push the angle of I should have some say to by virtue that we are married? (Think solid wooden drawers for the bedroom instead of Ikea, as they'll last for years, that type of stuff).

To be honest you already legally own half of your mortgage-free home you live in, having only personally contributed a small amount of savings to it, so you've done well with little personal contribution.

Your husband sounds financially savvy, the profit from the first flat is his, and if he wants to invest it for both of your futures, you should let him. It's not like he wants to go on the piss with it or buy a dirt bike. Do you work? Have you built up a good pension for yourself already?

Can you just save from your salary/salaries for the bits that need doing to the house (like most people do)?

Dieu I see what you're saying, but no, I don't earn enough to buy the big stuff. That's what the family savings are for. We just haven't had any recently as neither of us have been able to afford to put much away (we have enough for big emergencies such as the car giving up). Now we have savings again because the flat is sold.

Soft I absolutely have done well, I totally get that and am very very thankful. Due to health problems I work part time and am fairly low paid. I do have a pension but it will be small. My salary pays for day to day stuff, food, stuff the kids need etc. I don't earn enough to add to savings. I do by stuff for the house when I can. As does DH. I'm just not in a position to save big chunks to buy big stuff
(Saving for them would take ages). Hence my question of, if we now have some savings, AIBU to want to have a say in how a very small % is spent to try and make our home nice? The rest he can invest how he likes.

I don't think you're being unreasonable overall.
It's natural to want to be happy and comfortable in your own home.

I’m with your husband on every aspect here. Given your health, lack of capacity to save etc. I wouldn’t say that replacing IKEA drawers are a priority.

Pink cotton it's not replacing, ours fell apart long ago so we have to get new ones! It's about paying a bit extra for ones that really will last for years.
But yes, I also see that we have no idea what's around the corner and we should be sensible.

Sorry but if I was him I’d see it as my money too. However if there are things that do need buying for your house or doing to your home then you should be able to say to your DH these things need doing/these things are important to me to do so let’s work out how we can afford those.
Maybe I’ve spent too long being financially independent but I don’t really believe that someone has a right to money i either inherited or spent a lot of time saving just because we’re married.

I think you both have a pount. However without a mortgage I struggle to see how between you you can't save?! Or does he not work?
Agree you should have a say. However you are enjoying the benefits of his frugality... So I'm torn. Plus the flat won't have a mortgage forever

Jeeez.. Sounds just like a mate of mine he's got thousands in the bank where he loves to keep it. His poor wife has to cook in a kitchen around the size of a garden shed thats like a coal hole its crying out for a decent extension and would make the property valve increase no end plus the enjoyment of a decent kitchen but to him money is best kept where it should be in the sodding BANK and thats where he does keep it on a sodding rip off low interest rate to boot.

He makes over a 100 grand a year as well;!!

If you have a list, why not carry out upgrade/work that he will immediately see the benefit of and enjoy? Not sure if you mean things like double glazing, but things that might save money long term?
Also, perhaps have a 5 year plan?
You mention replacing Ikea furniture, can you pass the Ikea furniture to your children's rooms, you get new (in, say, 3 years) and sell any they currently have?
If he invests, could you ask for a percentage of interest/dividends so you can save them and do things annually or when you have enough accrued?

I flit between two sets of feelings;

Very lucky that I am giving with financial security that I am due to DH's savvy decisions, particularly considering my earnings limitations.

Frustrated and annoyed that need to go cap in hand to DH (so not just a household discussion) when I want to buy / pay for something that will enhance how we live, as his thoughts / priorities are different to mine. I'm his wife. We're a team.

Argh!

Are you saying that all of your salary is spend on household/children/etc every month, and that you never have any money to spend on yourself/save if you choose to?

That is what needs addressing.

My husband earns considerably more than me. However, we add up all household/family expenses, and pay a proportionate amount of our salary towards them, so we both end up with "spare" money each month.

If I choose to spend mine on Starbucks and M&S lunches, I can do; or I could drink water and take something to eat from home. Leaving me something to save up to contribute the additional cost of the more expensive chest of drawers I wanted, over the cheap Ikea ones my husband would be happy with.

To me 'careful' with money, means stingy with money - its not an attractive quality. He wont change, so its up to you whether you put up with it

You say yourself, some things he has agreed to.

He is meeting halfway. Seems reasonable that you should too.

Work full time and contribute your part of the finance to the furniture you want.

Stealth we both work. He earns more than me. His outgoings over a while now have been huge because of the costs of the flat. So whilst he has been putting money away, it's not much. Hence right now we have enough should something really bad happen (job loss etc). That money isn't for daily stuff like new furniture unless totally essential. Now the flat expenses have gone, he will start saving more. It will be split between accounts in his and my name but he would not be happy if I decided one day to go and buy, say, a new chest of drawers with that, unless he agreed it was necessary.

He should be contributing to your home being the way both of you want it.

It sounds like he doesn’t value your unpaid work.

Choli did you miss the part where I said I'm not able to?

I sympathise as have similar with dh although our mortgage free house was earned by both of us do he can't sayings his money but he just won't pay the money on decent furniture etc or getting the diy done by a professional.

Its not like I want anything fancy, like you I prefer a quirky second hand find over high st shops.

So we are sitting in a house that could be gorgeous but looks like like we can barely afford to live here just because he thinks a new sofa isn't worth the money or doesn't trust workmen to do jobs. Thing is we aren't 20 anymore with time to do diy like with our first house and I can't get him to realise that living like this brings me down.

No advice though as I can't seem to manage it my self

I've just replaced my Ikea chests of drawers with three new ones. The old ones were 20 years old, and didn't have to be replaced, it's just that the bed they matched was going so I thought I'd replace everything. The replacement three chests cost less than £200 altogether.

TBH, as a fellow saver, I was always going to be on the DH side. If I were him, and you were having this argument with me, I'd want to see a financial plan that showed that we were already on target to have more income in retirement than we had now, before I though more spending now was justified. (And if employment is insecure, that would mean being on target even if we never earned/saved anything in future.)

Having said that, 10K is very little money to spend on stuff that will last a long time, so if just reduces your savings for the year by 10K, I think it is reasonable to spend. If you can't afford to save at the moment and it means reducing a pre-existing pot, then I think he's more justified.

The more I think about it, this is just different preferences for spending. If 10K of your earnings isn't passing through your account each year, then get a job and pay for the stuff that matters to you with the money you control.