About my attitude to this money? (Sorry, long post!)

[welshmountainlovely]

Can I start by saying this post is not a stealth boast, I am hugely aware of how lucky I am.
Will give some background; when we first met,DH owned a flat outright, and had a big chunk of savings.
I moved in with him, and paid for food, contributed to nights out etc. No contribution to the running of the flat (his idea as I was on a low salary at the time).
We got married, and had our DC's. We then moved house into the house we will stay possibly for ever. The house was paid for by DH taking out a small mortgage on the flat, his savings, my (small amount of) savings. The house legally belongs to both of us. It has no mortgage. We had a bit of money left over. We don't have a joint account, but the money we have is split between his and my accounts
The flat was rented for a while, which covered the mortgage. No profit was made (just so you can see dh isn't a money grabbing landlord!)
He's recently sold it, so now has as not unsubstantial amount of cash in the bank again.
To my AIBU finally! There is quite a bit of stuff that needs to be done to our current home to make it nice. Not fancy, but a home we can take pride in. I reckon we need to spend about 10grand.
DH has always been exceptionally careful with money. Its due to this that we are mortgage free so I feel very lucky. But, he doesn't really like spending money on "things" (furniture, for example) as he thinks our kids will ruin it etc.
Personally, I love nice stuff but also don't have fancy tastes, so to speak. I'd much rather get a coffee table with character from the local second hand shop than one from John Lewis.
I've gone through things I think we should buy / do to the house. Some he has agreed to, some he hasn't.
He is going to invest the money so we have a secure future and will be able to afford to live well-ish when we retire. Totally the right thing to do. But equally, we're living in the here and now and I want this time to be nice too.
The words "it's my money" have been said by him a few times. He's right, I did nothing to contribute to it, at all. However my retort is "we're married so legally it's half mine", but then just trying to get him to see I should have some say over how that money is used to ensure we have a lovely home to bring our family up in.
So, AIBU to want some control over this cash so it can be spent on things now? Or accept the fact that as it was his prior to us getting together, he had full day over how it's used (I have no concerns at all, btw,of it not being invested in a way that is best for him me and the kids).

Sorry, I missed the post about your work situation.

Will these "savings" ( from sale of flat) be the only investments you both have. You have a small pension but does he? I can understand prioritising pensions over interiors. Can you ask for new furniture etc as Birthday/Christmas presents instead.

I’m sure I read that you have a list of things, some of which he has agreed to, some not. Therefore I don’t think HIBU. I don’t think we can call him unreasonable for not wanting to spend 10k.

Yes you should both get a say but if you disagree who gets their way? It’s not as though everything is in his name and you have no access to money. You have savings accounts in your name with money in.

I think you should just do the things you can agree on now and then revisit the rest at a later date. Maybe if it’s not being spent in one go, he may find it easier.

OP, I might be the minority, but I don't think you are BU. If you marry someone, you throw in your lot with them, and financial decisions are made jointly, regardless of where the money came from in the first place. That doesn't mean that one partner should be swanning off, spending money earned by the other one on selfish crap, because that would seem to me be taking the piss. However, I don't get this whole notion that money that one partner brings into the marriage remains his/hers, especially if there are things that you need now to make your house nicer. Have you told your DH that you could get a beautiful 18th century chest of drawers more cheaply than an Ikea one at a saleroom?

(Legally, BTW, your XH's assets are equally yours as you are married, though I hope you don't ever need to know this).

My only exception to the above would relate to later re-marriages, when I think I'd want to be very careful to make sure my children's financial interests were protected at the outset.

Both of you should have disposable income for treats and personal interests. Sounds like you should also have some each for family house and savings, or he could put more in the family money so there is spare for home improvement, furniture..
His flat is his, he should save that for the future. Are you getting child benefit? I think he's just getting used to the new situation, if the money is in the joint account and is spare he may loosen up. How about a holiday too? Persuade him about the first few items, nothing wrong with joint decisions, and it will probably normalise

What costs with the flat were there that were preventing him saving, if the rent covered the mortgage?

Tbh I am more worried about your cap in hand comment than what bedroom furniture you have. Sounds like he's controlling the purse strings for more than just this recent windfall.

Sounds like someone I know; thousands and thousands in the bank, but the sofa is falling apart 'cos he won't spend.

Black type, if you split up and go to court the starting point will be 50/50 from date of marriage. Previous assets and inheritances remain separate. We all hope not to seperate but why should he end up homeless or worse off than when he came in? She will likely remain in marital home.
He's not saving for fast cars, he wants pensions and a nice retirement.
She isn't buying gold taps and redecorating every year, she wants a comfortable home. They must be able to work this out.

While you don't have enough savings to pay all living expense for the rest of both lives, I think the only current consumption item that should potentially be paid for out of a long-term investment pot is housing. Cars, furniture and non-essential improvements should be paid for out of spare current earnings, if and when any arises. If you're just thinking, there's a pot of money, why not spend some of it, that would set off alarm bells in my head. That sort of thinking pretty rapidly leads to there being no pot.

I am absolutely of the opinion that all money in a marriage is family money. My husband and I have had periods where one of us has earned much more than the other, I've been made redundant twice, and I earn much less than him overall, but I have also have an occasional big bonus at work and I inherited some money when my grandmother died. It all goes into the same pot and we don't ever keep track of who has contributed what.

I think he's being very unreasonable but I also think he won't change. I don't really get the living frugally (and often miserably) now so you can have a good retirement thing. I know so many people who have not had the chance to enjoy retirement because of illness or whatever. I obviously think saving what you can is important but not to the extent that you can't enjoy the present.

Invest the money and spend the interest. If he's sold a flat and you're implying that £10,000 isn't a huge dent in the money, then, even with low interest rates (for contact I'm old and remember double-digit interest rates), it will be earning enough interest to buy as many Ikea drawers as you need.

YABU. Your husband is incredibly sensible (I really envy you actually). You should should just buy the furniture out of earnings. A new piece every three to six months.

Desmond two sales fell through. There were no tenants in the flat from when it went on the market as up until the time we decided to sell, property in that area was snapped up in days ), so he's been paying mortgage and service charge.

yanbu

I don't really understand what would happen if you went out and bought something. A new coffee table for example, if that is what you want. How would he react? I am not clear if you are saying you don't have access to family money? Sorry if I haven't read/understood properly.

Do you have enough of your own money to buy what you want and are just scared of how he will react to this? He sounds like a joy sucker to me.

I would not react at all well to this kind of telling me what I can and cannot do with my own money.

See rainbow it's incredibly frustrating, isn't it?

he would not be happy if I decided one day to go and buy, say, a new chest of drawers with that, unless he agreed it was necessary.

I wonder what the other items are that that make up the 10K, or how inexpensive the one you want is. The two smaller and cheaper Ikea ones I got cost in total less than one week's grocery shopping at Asda, so I'm struggling to imagine how a chest of drawers can be the centre of so much debate.

He's unreasonable and should want to live in a nice secure home just as much as you do. I complete understand the 'proper drawers' instead of ikea ones. What's the point in having cheap furniture you have to replace every few years

I'm the sole earner in my home and have more money than dh and would happilyrecognize and put more money towards or pay for the things we need for our home or to make life that bit easier.

Why is he happy to not make your home a comfortable one?

I'm with @BlackType.

I find the attitude of "it's all mine" odd. When you become a unit everything gets pooled. Marriage is a marriage of people, lives and possessions or why enter into it? If you don't trust your partner with 'your' money what's the point. I'm the breadwinner but it's earned for US and what we need. I'm happy to pay towards both us and just for DP or things he wants, we're not even married. So no yanbu to want household stuff or of a huge savings chunk. Your DH is bu for making you feel cap in hand

Doesn’t sound right. I have a bit of money I have inherited and I class it as our money. We talk over everything that we need to do to the house and the money is spent. I would never tell df “it’s my money!” As a couple we make all decisions together. End of the day it’s only money and he should want you to be happy.

I think it depends on how much the savings will increase by, I am naturally a saver with a spender dh and we clash a lot re money, however if that 10000 is a small proportion of what he will gain then I would spend it, if it’s only 12000 or so that he will save then I wouldn’t iyswim?

@Missingstreetlife Black type, if you split up and go to court the starting point will be 50/50 from date of marriage. Previous assets and inheritances remain separate

I don't want to de-rail, but while this may have been true for you, it was not for me. XH and I did split up after 20 years (10 of them married, and 10 of them cohabiting), and did go to court. All assets, including pre-existing ones (my trust fund, XH's mortgage-free flat, etc), were taken into account, and everything went into the pot. My very long stint as a SAHM which significantly affected my future earning capacity whilst increasing his, was also taken into account. It probably ended up 55% (me)/45% (him).

Hopefully, though, the OP won't ever need to know this!

I'm sorry. It was his flat before you even came on the scene. I think he should have the final say on how it's spent.

You seem to want it both ways. You say that you're a team and the money should be shared and then complain about having to ask him before buying a chest of drawers. Where's the team work there? Doesn't he get a say in choosing furniture, using money that you played no part in earning or saving?

In your shoes i would prioritise two things and insist on both of you saving for those eg. Drawers and coffee table. Once you have those wait a good while before choosing the next priority. You say your health is not good and you only earn low wage with tiny pension. Your dh is being responsible and trying to build fund for your future. You never know what is ahead, he could lose his job etc. He is being prudent. It is thanks to him you are in good position i would trust him, as it is his money.

A bit of compromise would be nice as I can see both points of view. You are a family and it is family money. I can see why you want quality things in the home, I see that as an investment too. It’s a false economy to buy cheap furniture when you can afford good quality.
It’s rather harsh of him to say it is his money but I guess it’s true. However I don’t think that should mean that your input into decisions should be less valuable. You are married after all