About my attitude to this money? (Sorry, long post!)

[welshmountainlovely]

Can I start by saying this post is not a stealth boast, I am hugely aware of how lucky I am.
Will give some background; when we first met,DH owned a flat outright, and had a big chunk of savings.
I moved in with him, and paid for food, contributed to nights out etc. No contribution to the running of the flat (his idea as I was on a low salary at the time).
We got married, and had our DC's. We then moved house into the house we will stay possibly for ever. The house was paid for by DH taking out a small mortgage on the flat, his savings, my (small amount of) savings. The house legally belongs to both of us. It has no mortgage. We had a bit of money left over. We don't have a joint account, but the money we have is split between his and my accounts
The flat was rented for a while, which covered the mortgage. No profit was made (just so you can see dh isn't a money grabbing landlord!)
He's recently sold it, so now has as not unsubstantial amount of cash in the bank again.
To my AIBU finally! There is quite a bit of stuff that needs to be done to our current home to make it nice. Not fancy, but a home we can take pride in. I reckon we need to spend about 10grand.
DH has always been exceptionally careful with money. Its due to this that we are mortgage free so I feel very lucky. But, he doesn't really like spending money on "things" (furniture, for example) as he thinks our kids will ruin it etc.
Personally, I love nice stuff but also don't have fancy tastes, so to speak. I'd much rather get a coffee table with character from the local second hand shop than one from John Lewis.
I've gone through things I think we should buy / do to the house. Some he has agreed to, some he hasn't.
He is going to invest the money so we have a secure future and will be able to afford to live well-ish when we retire. Totally the right thing to do. But equally, we're living in the here and now and I want this time to be nice too.
The words "it's my money" have been said by him a few times. He's right, I did nothing to contribute to it, at all. However my retort is "we're married so legally it's half mine", but then just trying to get him to see I should have some say over how that money is used to ensure we have a lovely home to bring our family up in.
So, AIBU to want some control over this cash so it can be spent on things now? Or accept the fact that as it was his prior to us getting together, he had full day over how it's used (I have no concerns at all, btw,of it not being invested in a way that is best for him me and the kids).

Figure out how you will save on other expenses to ‘repay’ the money spent on furnishing the house, over the next five years.

Or, ask him how much he thinks is reasonable to allocate to furnishing and decorating, and prioritise within that budget, and wait rather than buy something you don’t like (but hunt for bargains).

You're being entirely reasonable. My mum had to live with a kitchen that was falling to bits and an avocado green bathroom for 20 years because my dad hated spending money. When the inevitable happened I had to spend a substantial amount of their estate updating their house so I could sell it. Seeing the new kitchen and bathroom which Mum would have loved broke my heart. She could have had and enjoyed those things.

There's a sensible middle path in these things. Save some money obviously but spend some and enjoy it too. Life's for living.

welshmountainlovely

Well my view is hes tight. I couldn't be with someone like that.

It sounds like you both have fundamentally different priorities which mean day to day life can be challenging.
My father was tight, it was miserable. I'm not in contact with my parents anymore but I still remember my mum having to justify any new purchases. It makes my skin crawl when one side holds the power like that but if you're ok with that then all is well.

Seeing the new kitchen and bathroom which Mum would have loved broke my heart. She could have had and enjoyed those things

That's sad.

Even if you put the profits from the flat to one side, it isn’t fair that all of you’re earnings automatically get used on food/bills/household expenses, whereas he gets to choose what happens to his earnings.

Probably time to now sit down and figure out how to get what you need from pooled income..

• your

I know you work part time for health reasons, I totally understand cause I work part time round my kids (difficult set of circumstances), but is there anything you can do from home, ie matched betting, surveys, anything at all online to bring a bit extra in so that you can make moves towards getting the bits you want done. Obviously it will be a long haul process but it might help. I go on a website called themoneyshed which is fab for working from home ideas.

If you want to own pointless fancy furniture children will ruin earn the money for it yourself I would say (as a mother who has always worked full time!)

@Catspawsandwhiskers, yes it was very sad. Hundreds of thousands in the bank and kitchen drawers where the front came off in your hand and a cracked basin in the bathroom. It's no way to live.

@Xenia, OP has made it clear she wants nice, good quality furniture, not fancy expensive furniture.

Bluelady

My father is tight, they are very comfortable financially and my mum used to virtually beg to renew anything. Over the years my mum got as bad as my dad though. It's like they can't help themselves being mean. But I suppose at least they are the same. It must have been hard to watch your mum not have nice things because your dad was mean. You're right, it's no way to live.

Lots of us would like nice things but we have to live within our means.

This is such a tricky one because you are both being reasonable.

I agree with op’s dh. He is obviously very good with money, which has facilitated you having a house which was mostly financed by him, but is in joint names. I can therefore understand and support him not wanting to take money out of his savings, unless he needs to. He is obviously looking to the future and trying to ensure that you will be more comfortably off in retirement.
My husband is useless with money and therefore I do not tell him how much we have as he would want to buy a new car. He actually got a statement for a joint account, which had around £20000 in it and said “does this mean I could just take this money out and buy a car?”
He has health problems and has been unable to work for over 15 years. When he worked, I was staying at home bringing up our children, though I did have some money put away for emergencies. I got a job and as well as keeping the house etc, I have been able to save a reasonable amount, looking forward to retirement. Unfortunately I was in a car accident several years ago and I can no longer work. Therefore I hold the purse strings to ensure we will have enough to get us by until we both get our pensions.
As you say, you are incredibly lucky that he has been thrifty, as this will benefit you both in the he long run, therefore I think YABVVU to want to spend the money HE has saved.

Well he has agreed to some of the things on your list as well as saying no to some.. I think that's a fair compromise. And the example of spending £300 instead of £150 for furniture... that's double the price, not a 'little but extra'! I think if you were controlling the financial spending you might be a bit screwed

I'm sure you can work this out. If he won't be reasonable start economising and save the money for what you want. be sure to save on things he likes, cheaper food (less meat would sort mine out in a week or two). It's a matter of compromise and common sense, not delberate

I 100% agree with you, OP. Surely to god it's shared money once your married. You shouldn't have to ask your husband when you want a new set of drawers. It's ridiculous.

*you're

OP, he might be feeling the strain of having to save for both of your retirements, so that’s something to think about. Otherwise, it’s tricky as yes it’s his money from an investment from before you were together, on the other hand you’re together now but I think the fact you aren’t ever going to be bringing in a big amount of money means the pressure is on him - for both of you.

I do agree with you, it’s important to enjoy living now but a huge amount of people do wait until the kids are a bit older before splashing out with new furnishings.
Think it’s a good idea to have a long term plan about house improvements so you’re both happy - you - there’s progress, him- you’re not overspending.

Tricky. I see both points of view as I want to upgrade the kitchen, probably going to cost about 8 grand. It will add value to the house. The DH is saying he’s going to ‘rein me in’ which is fine, but basics eg re-plastering a 20x10 room, walls and ceilings (charming ‘country” plastering ie someone who couldn’t plaster tried to do it like waves on a Christmas cake!) won’t be cheap.

Buying furniture is a joint enterprise, IMO, go show him what you fancy, you both have to live with it forever, potentially.

Some bits of furniture purchased here & there are hardly going to break the bank. If you can't meet half way & get some essentials now & agree to wait for other non essential stuff, me being me (I put my home as my spending priority) I'd resort to my DM's strategy : get it out of your account & do the "it was in the sale, 50% off" & await congrats for your thrift off 'careful' DP. My DF never twigged that every item thru the door was a 'sale' item, sale or no sale.

my DH is like yours, I’m like you, our numbers are a little different.

It’s exhuasting, truly, trying to get someone to understand that life should be enjoyed and not just survived. That said, your children are primary aged. Let them grow into appreciating things and understanding they cost money (and also them asking for things themselves). Give it some time and let him save a good chunk now the flat has sold, and you may find he’ll change his tune.

Personally I think if you are married then you share everything, no exceptions. It isn't a view that everyone holds, nor should they have to, but it is the view that my husband and I hold and we agreed to that prior to getting married. It's a two way street and if something like this comes up I think the only fair solution is a compromise - spend on the more important things you've said you need, and save the rest of the money.

However it sounds like maybe your husband doesn't hold this "share everything" view. That's his right. Unless you've properly agreed on this before getting married it's not really possible to force it upon him.

You say that you got half the left over money from the sale- why don't you spend your half on the things that you need for the house? Unless your half has already been spent... Is it possible that your husband thinks that you are wreckless with money and so feels he needs to put his foot down to protect your future?

'Good with money' = tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm. Very unattractive. I couldn't live with someone like that. I'm assuming you do the majority of child care as you only work part time OP? That's a major contribution, just not financial. I'm a SAHM with a high earning DH. I'm not a massive spender but he has absolutely no problem with me making purchases for the home as I see fit.... I'd always discuss higher spends with him (>£500 for example), but for regular furniture etc, if I think it's needed, I can just go and buy it because a) he trusts me and b) he's not tight with "his" 🙄 money.

Well, I don’t know about you, OP, but my husband stood up beside me in church and said, “With all my worldly goods I thee endow.”
He earned more than me at that time but I have since earned more than him. And I took it to mean that I should do the same.

So in practice this has meant that any and all income and lump sums that either of us brings to the household is OURS.
We are fortunate that we now have substantial savings, (to which I have probably contributed slightly more due to inheritance and a large redundancy payment) and secure pensions, but I don’t think either of us could tolerate the other having sole control over our funds and vetoing what sounds like very reasonable expenditure.
For the future, have you thought about making additional pension contributions, AVCs, for both of you, to come out of a joint pot? (So that you are not affected disproportionately) It’s a tax-efficient way of saving for your long-term futures.

We have no savings, so 10k would be an enormous sum of money to us. I don't know how much was made from the sale of the flat, but I would guess that 10k is not the bulk of the amount of savings now available.

Also, to have owned a property outright and have decent savings before you married, he was either given money to do so or earns a shit ton of money. Either way, OP shouldn't have to fill in surveys for pennies and do matched betting to spend years saving up for a set of drawers!

Unless he only sold the flat for 15k, YANBU. And even if he did, you have just as much right to be involved in the discussion about what to do with 'his money' IMO.

write a list of the things you want and he doesn't and get yourself a part-time job. he'll see how much you really want them.