About my attitude to this money? (Sorry, long post!)

[welshmountainlovely]

Can I start by saying this post is not a stealth boast, I am hugely aware of how lucky I am.
Will give some background; when we first met,DH owned a flat outright, and had a big chunk of savings.
I moved in with him, and paid for food, contributed to nights out etc. No contribution to the running of the flat (his idea as I was on a low salary at the time).
We got married, and had our DC's. We then moved house into the house we will stay possibly for ever. The house was paid for by DH taking out a small mortgage on the flat, his savings, my (small amount of) savings. The house legally belongs to both of us. It has no mortgage. We had a bit of money left over. We don't have a joint account, but the money we have is split between his and my accounts
The flat was rented for a while, which covered the mortgage. No profit was made (just so you can see dh isn't a money grabbing landlord!)
He's recently sold it, so now has as not unsubstantial amount of cash in the bank again.
To my AIBU finally! There is quite a bit of stuff that needs to be done to our current home to make it nice. Not fancy, but a home we can take pride in. I reckon we need to spend about 10grand.
DH has always been exceptionally careful with money. Its due to this that we are mortgage free so I feel very lucky. But, he doesn't really like spending money on "things" (furniture, for example) as he thinks our kids will ruin it etc.
Personally, I love nice stuff but also don't have fancy tastes, so to speak. I'd much rather get a coffee table with character from the local second hand shop than one from John Lewis.
I've gone through things I think we should buy / do to the house. Some he has agreed to, some he hasn't.
He is going to invest the money so we have a secure future and will be able to afford to live well-ish when we retire. Totally the right thing to do. But equally, we're living in the here and now and I want this time to be nice too.
The words "it's my money" have been said by him a few times. He's right, I did nothing to contribute to it, at all. However my retort is "we're married so legally it's half mine", but then just trying to get him to see I should have some say over how that money is used to ensure we have a lovely home to bring our family up in.
So, AIBU to want some control over this cash so it can be spent on things now? Or accept the fact that as it was his prior to us getting together, he had full day over how it's used (I have no concerns at all, btw,of it not being invested in a way that is best for him me and the kids).

I think it should be joint too, savings are both of yours and no you shouldn't have to ask to buy something like a chest of drawers.
Obviously if it's a large home improvement I would say you both need to look at the budget etc.
Why don't you suggest spending half/saving half?

I would definitely prioritise the investment pot in your husband’s shoes. That’s for your future.

Your present needs (wants) should be paid for out of income.

What about really good quality second hand drawers for now if yours are falling apart. Then save for the ones you really want?

Depends £10K is a lot for furniture

Our house needs new doors
New carpet in the living room
The bathroom will need replacing soon as the sink is cracked and toilet is old and worn

These will update the house and add some value

DHbis the same but these things need to be considered

Will he consider a household pot

No you shouldn't have to go cap in hand for money for yours and your children's (and his!!) home. That's silly. If money was tight then of course you'd be unreasonable to ask for his small amount of savings or something, or indeed if you were talking about frittering away his money. But you're asking to invest it in a different way, in decent furniture for the house and making the house a home. It's not his money, it's yours too and I'm on your side in this.

Also I don't agree with PP saying earn more and buy furniture yourself. That's not how modern marriages work, with each of you being able to spend your own wages and nothing more. Things just don't work like that, and this is his home and furniture too we're talking about.

I always struggled with this. I was the main earner, husband a student. My money went on running the house. I am very tentative with money, husband a big spender. I'd rather make do, he'd rather get nice stuff to enjoy now.
I mostly agree with your husband @OP

I think the Ikea drawers were a bit of a red herring! That was just to try and give an example. We definitely need to get new bedroom furniture. He'd want to get cheaper stuff, I think spend a little bit extra and get solid stuff that will last far longer. So, £300 rather than £150. Anyways, the total isn't just on furniture, it's stuff like some improvements in the kitchen, to the garden, a little bit of decorating. All stuff that will make our home a nicer place to live for both of us and our kids.
He just sees things in the home as purely functional. Why would we need nice stuff? I do have to remind him
that my tastes are waaaaaay more modest than most of our friends!

Greentulips yep doors are on the list too. Our house is chilly because it's badly insulated. Should have given that as an example rather than bloody Ikea drawers!

So would the 10k include a new bathroom, kitchen or replastering/skimming walls? If it's something that adds value to your property then that's a sensible investment and something you can enjoy now. If it's 10k to refurnish/decorate the whole house then personally I'd not see the point and you're better off hanging on to the best egg for the future.

Yes it does include stuff that would add value to the house. The trouble with that argument with DH is that we are very unlikely to move again. We bought this home as the place we will be into retirement. So he would say there's no benefit in adding value. I would say, we're going to live here for ever so let's make it as nice as we can afford to.

It seems as if you have completely different values.

He prioritises saving and long-term investment (which often means frugal living, despite a high income if you have a family) whereas you prioritise the beauty of your surroundings and things over long term security.

Neither one is right or wrong, just different.

The worry is though that all your money is eaten up by day to living while he invests his, which, to an outsider, makes you look spendthrift and him look shrewd.

Have you asked if your finances could be split more equally, so that you both have to spend on living expenses and both have the opportunity to save, thereby making the marriage more equal? At the moment, you seem to be living much the same as you would if you weren't married (i.e. financing things separately).

How old are you r DC? You say you can't work full time so I'm assuming it's your health. Have you considered working from home or running your own business from home? Do you have a hobby or interest that you could turn into a business?

ForOlds DC's are Primary age, and I pretty much work school hours. I have recently increased my hours as I wanted to do more, but I'm doing as much as I can cope with right now.

Most men would be happy with 1 chair and 1 plate etc, tin opener and plenty of cans of beans. There needs tend to be simpler than women's (sorry for generalisation).

With the new doors, the cost would be offset with the savings in fuel. I also think like you, spend a little more for something that will last (forever) than buy cheap crap that will need to be replaced in 3 or 4 years. It is a false economy. Solid wood furniture is a no-brainer It will last and you can customise it if you want a different look in the future.

Have another chat about what you think needs doing most, then once that is done, go to the next one. He maybe finds it a bit overwhelming for everything at once.

Ah right, it's tricky when they're still primary age.

What do your friends and family think of the situation? They're better placed than we are to advise you as they know both you and your husband.

Getting back to making your home look nice, can you up-cycle old brown furniture instead of buying new? You know, give it the Annie Sloan treatment? As for the bedroom floors, I can see his point in not wanting to spend money on proper hard wood floors when cheaper flooring (covered by big cheap rugs) will do. I would put by foot down in the downstairs flooring though as it gets a lot of traffic.

There's being sensible with money and there's being miserable and tight. I think he's miserable and tight. It's great that he's thinking of investing for the future but you have to be happy now too. I say that as someone who has always saved and been sensible with money. As for him saying 'it's my money', what an arse. I couldn't be with someone with that attitude.

I think you have to emphasise that there are things you want to spend money on that you feel would improve quality of life, right now.

Make a list of everything, show him, explain your reasoning. Then you sit down and agree what things will be prioritised. What will give most value for money. Be prepared to compromise. It’s about what you can both agree on. Everything else, you’ll need to save for from your personal, perhaps renegotiated, budget.

ForOld if floors are mentioned then it was a typo! It's wooden drawers I want, not floors!

I think marriage is a compromise, and yes, you should get some say in how you spent this money - but you have had some say, he's agreed to do some of the things on your list. (You don't say how much - £1k? £5k? £9k? It makes a difference.) A say doesn't mean he has to agree to everything though, you need to compromise too.

I think now you've sold the house, you need to draw up a family budget. £x for essentials, £x for savings, £x for treats like holidays, parties, repainting the hall.

I think you should buy the house improvements he's agreed to now out of the flat sale (and this stuff always takes longer than you think it will, so that'll keep you going for a while) and the rest of the stuff out of the treats budget. If necessary, you can save on doing cheap holidays while your kids are small or adding money from your personal treat budget for things you know are more for you. You can also as a pp suggested ask for things for birthday or Christmas presents. Or try and find other ways to supplant your income.

This issue is going to come up again and again with holidays, birthday parties, cars, whatever. You need to agree a spending strategy that's somewhere in between what you would spend and what he would, which you can both live with. And stick to it.

You need to earn more money yourself. That's the real issue. You are itching to have more control over finances but don';t feel you can because the bulk of them has always come from your DH. While it is family money, it's ultimately in his control not yours.
I strongly recommend you do everything you can to increase your hours and your hourly rate. Sell things, make things, upcycle stuff - anything to raise a chunk of money that you can legitimately spend on the house. It's a good feeling to have financial power, if not full independence then at least some choice.

So which bits has he agreed to? The doors make financial sense as pp stated. Kitchen are you replacing cabinets? Garden can hang fire until the summer so he'll not feel like a massive chunk of money is spent in one go and you can build a bit of replacement buffer back into the savings. Rather than listing what you want to replace can you not tally up all the above costs and then say you want 1k on top to do all the other bits vs him thinking well this bit of furniture is fine still so i don't see why replacing is needed.

CatsPaws if he'd said it about his salary that he earns now then yes I would have thought he was an utter arse. But it's about assets that were there long before he met me. That's why I'm interested to find out people's views on it.
He's not a controlling arse at all. He's a lovely man. Just very savvy / tight with money (delete as appropriate!).

OneStep I am not going to be able to earn more money. If I was single, I would be receiving benefits, most likely. I work as much as my health allows. It's really not that easy for some people to just earn more. Much as the Government thinks it is right now.

I'm going to write a list, with costings, so we can go through it together. I absolutely get there must be compromise, on both sides. He is a good person so hopefully we'll both come out of it happy.

Crikey he doesn’t want to spend money on the property as you’ll be living in it into retirement. The thing is if you don’t invest something in it, the house will become decrepit and depreciate in value. You don’t need beauty. Just basics. A good kitchen, bathroom, windows and functional furniture. I’m with you.

My dh family is like this. I had to force my fil to install a modern kitchen and get his bathroom repaired. His mattress and sofa both had holes in them. I was very clear I had no interest in inheriting his money and should spend it on living in the 21st century. We dragged him round getting towels, kitchen utensils, all sorts 15 years ago on top of these more expensive items.

This mentality doesn’t improve with age. Dhs grandma lived in a house, which hadn’t been touched since the 50’s, no central heating etc. She died late 90’s.

How long until you retire? If you spend nothing on this house it will have not been touched for 40 odd years, I imagine.

It will be split between accounts in his and my name but he would not be happy if I decided one day to go and buy, say, a new chest of drawers with that, unless he agreed it was necessary.

If he's saving money in an account in your name you can do what you like with it. It's your money.

Anyway - how much does a vintage pre loved chest of drawers cost?