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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel sad for DD and her birthday

127 replies

Daddylonglegs1965 · 01/02/2019 09:29

Poor DD almost 14 has had a tough year and a half of it with her peers at school. Brief background isn’t into the usual showing off her body, boys, make up, pop, posing, pouting and popularity contests etc etc. Preferring comfy clothes, no hassle, honesty, loyalty, animals, laughter and chocolate. Anyway after a bit of nastiness from some previous friends kept herself to herself. But in the last couple of months she has got more friendly with a couple of girls from school (speaking to them most nights on iPads but only met up with them a couple of times outside of school but they don’t live near us and it’s not really the season for it). Anyway she spent her birthday last year with us as she had no friends to celebrate. This year she asked if she could go out for a pizza with two friends from school and then have a sleepover which we agreed to. I gave her the choice of 4 dates and asked her to double check it these dates were ok with her friends which she did and booked a restaurant a couple of weeks ago. Last week one of them said she couldn’t sleepover now as her mum was away and she had to look after the dog at her grans but she could probably just come for the pizza (not ideal but fair enough). Anyway this morning the other one who was coming for the sleepover and the pizza has messaged DD to say she isn’t allowed to come to either now as her gran is ill but it’s not fair as one of her sisters is still allowed to go to her friends. I don’t know how ill her gran is but I have said if lifts are a problem we can pick her up and drop her off. AIBU to be disappointed on DD’s behalf. WWYD would you still carry on for a pizza with hopefully one friend or reschedule when they are both free? I don’t know either mums telephone number but I saw DD send a text to both girls inviting them and giving them my number for their mums (incase their mums wanted to check anything out and so they had the info re times and restaurants). Also I wouldn’t fancy DD going for a sleepover to someone’s house I had never met before and wasn’t sure whether or not the parents were going to be in and who else was going to be there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daddylonglegs1965 · 01/02/2019 09:34

Or should I/we have done things differently in terms of organising should I have asked for parents mobile numbers or should I have done party invites with proposed dates and arrangements on? I didn’t think party invites for 2 x 14 year olds to go to a restaurant was the way to go or was it.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 01/02/2019 09:37

Both sound like flakey excuses to me.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 01/02/2019 09:38

This is a problem DD has to sort out for her self.

To me, they sound like excuses from the other girls, it all sounds a bit formal for 14yo's. Normally its ordered in pizza, netflix and nail painting. I would also expect those friendships to be carried on outside school not just via social media.

At 14, I wouldnt necessarily expect the same level of scruitiny of parents that you would have at primary school, so Im not sure what this has to do with it I wouldn’t fancy DD going for a sleepover to someone’s house I had never met before and wasn’t sure whether or not the parents were going to be in and who else was going to be there unless you are having a pop at other parents allowing thier children to sleep at yours without knowing you?

MRex · 01/02/2019 09:39

Get your daughter to try to rearrange dates?

Fabaunt · 01/02/2019 09:39

Yeah I’d wonder how genuine that would be, to be honest. How about inviting the girls that she talks to on her iPad out for pizza

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 01/02/2019 09:42

just seen your 2nd update:

You're over involved in this 14yo's self sort, in my world its nice if you have contact details for other parents at that age, but you certainly do not go up the party invitation route, its a casual meal at Pizza Hut, not a summons to dine at The Ivy.

Im still having a problem with 14yo girls not in and out of each others houses on an almost daily basis, but only having a SM existance outside school. That's not (IMHO) 'normal' girl behaviour within friendship groups.

BowBeau · 01/02/2019 09:44

Sounds like excuses to me. Poor DD, it’s awful when you have no friends. Can you enrol her in extra curricular activities where she could meet some like minded friends? Youth theatre groups are usually quite inclusive and good at building confidence.

Trampire · 01/02/2019 09:46

I think try for just the pizza?

My dd will be 14 this year and sounds very like your dd.
Although dd has some nice friends who aren't into all the 'popular' boys/make-up/revealing clothing either. However she rarely meets them outside school as it's a rural school and they all live miles away (they do all sometimes make the effort though).

For the first time ever dd has asked to do nothing for her birthday this year. She says she can't cope with the 'hassle' of choosing a few friends and then possibly offending someone by leaving them out. She herself has gone off sleepovers a bit, except with her best friend (who is 2 years older and at s totally different school).

Don't feel sad for your dd. I think it's just a flakey age. Over the pizza only, and lifts. See what happens. However if they still pull out it's just probably teenage laziness rather than they don't like your dd at all.

I bet next year will be different.

Loopytiles · 01/02/2019 09:46

Depends where the teens live though, OP has said they’re not local.

Sorry DD is having problems finding friends.

I might suggest to DD doing something nice with the family on that day and that she seeks to arrange a date to meet up with the friends and/or have them to sleep over on another date they can all make.

Trampire · 01/02/2019 09:49

To a pp, yes my dd14 isn't out of friends houses on a daily basis either. Some of her friends live 8 miles away, rurally with no pupilc transport.

I grew up in a rural school too. I had a few friends I could walk to but many were a car ride or bus ride away. We relied on parents mainly which was annoying. However things really kicked in at 6th form when we all started driving.

Best years of my life.

Pinkruler · 01/02/2019 09:50

Just go ahead with the pizza - maybe the other girls don't like sleepovers ? Neither of mine do.

Pinkruler · 01/02/2019 09:53

No i think at 14 they prefer to arrange things themselves IME

TheFishInThePot · 01/02/2019 09:57

I know a few kids around that age who don't really like sleepovers any more. I think they seem to start a bit earlier now with junior school kids having sleepovers, maybe they outgrow them sooner.
I think a pizza date is a good birthday at 14, it's the more special bit and both girls are still going to that so I wouldn't feel bad for her.

Original poster

Daddylonglegs1965 · 01/02/2019 09:58

DD does still do one sport activity out of school but no spin off friendships from it. I have suggested extra curricular activities but she outrightly refuses everything I have suggested.
I think DD had her fingers burned when her year 7 friends turned really nasty on her prior to that they all lived close and they were in and out of each other’s houses. These two girls sound much quieter and maybe a bit more nerdy and more like DD than her ex friends.
Re: my date and time concerns DD has dyslexia and often gets some times muddled up.
My giving my number was incase the girls parents asked for it. As I remember a friend with an older DD 14/15 at the time and her DD was supposedly going to a sleepover at a girl from schools house she hadn’t met before. My friend wouldn’t let her go unless she had a phone number for the girls parents so she could check. Finally her DD backed down and said she didn’t want to go. It turned out it was a party her parents were away for the weekend. It turned out to be complete carnage boys alcohol the house got trashed and one girl got pregnant.

OP posts:

Juells · 01/02/2019 10:00

I don't think it sounds like an excuse from the second girl. The griping about it being not fair that her sister's being allowed go to her friends sounds real.

Why not make it just pizza?

Original poster

Daddylonglegs1965 · 01/02/2019 10:03

One friend doesn’t live in a rural area but it’s two buses away. I gave DD a lift there last Saturday the girls Mum was at work until 7pm so she would have been on her own all day. I am not sure where the other girl lives but I don’t think it’s walking distance and I wouldn’t want DD walking further than to the shop at the bottom of our road with these dark nights.

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 01/02/2019 10:03

No advice, but I think your DD and mine would get along well. She is on the cusp of making independent plans, but not quite there yet. Luckily her small group of friends are mainly similar, so we let them try to make arrangements and then back up by parental texts too.

Juells · 01/02/2019 10:04

Hahaha the one and only sleepover I allowed either DD to have ended in disaster, never had another one. DD2's 14th birthday, she finished up crying at 1am because all the other girls were bullying her, she departed to bed. Doorbell rang at 6am it was the police with four of the girls who'd sneaked out and were found wandering around 😨 It had never even occurred to me that they'd do something like that.

Original poster

Daddylonglegs1965 · 01/02/2019 10:07

I would make it pizza and I would rather just pizza and forget the sleepover. But now only one friend can go for a pizza. The friend that has let her down does sound like she wants to go) but she now can’t go to either. So I wondered whether to cancel it or rearrange it. Letting DD do it doesn’t seem to have worked but she may have just been unlucky.

OP posts:

TheFishInThePot · 01/02/2019 10:08

Juells

Juells · 01/02/2019 10:11

PS (sorry for post after post!) Both of mine started frequenting riding stables at about 14, helping out with the mucking out etc., and made friends that they still have years later. If your DD likes animals, it might be a nice way for her to make friends with similar interests? If she's not interested in horses, there are always animal charities looking for helpers. She might meet people who are similar in environments like that.

Pinkruler · 01/02/2019 10:12

It turned out to be complete carnage boys alcohol the house got trashed and one girl got pregnant.

Yup - carnage is the right word. . it is hard with teens - getting the right balance between some socialising and too much socialising.

Foreverexhausted · 01/02/2019 10:13

I'm going to go against the grain and say I wouldn't go ahead just incase the friend who can only make pizza cancels and your daughter ends up with no one coming.

I also wouldn't rearrange just incase these friends are being flakey and maybe aren't that invested in the friendship and cancel again which would be even more upsetting for your daughter.

From what you've said they're new friendships still in the early stages of developing so not rock solid friendships yet.

Do something lovely with your daughter instead and have a little chat with her about how sometimes these things happen and things don't always go to plan. Hopefully next year will be better.

Lifeisabeach09 · 01/02/2019 10:15

In your position, I'd cancel and rearrange.
I'd then take my DD on an overnight or weekend break somewhere-cost permitting.

ChocolateCoins567 · 01/02/2019 10:20

I wouldn't be a teenage girl again if you paid me, it was hellish. Fickle friends, bullying, drama - I hated it. FWIW I'd cancel and rearrange and spoil your daughter rotten. I never did a big thing for birthdays, it was always just family and I loved it :)

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