AIBU to feel sad for DD and her birthday

[Daddylonglegs1965]

Poor DD almost 14 has had a tough year and a half of it with her peers at school. Brief background isn’t into the usual showing off her body, boys, make up, pop, posing, pouting and popularity contests etc etc. Preferring comfy clothes, no hassle, honesty, loyalty, animals, laughter and chocolate. Anyway after a bit of nastiness from some previous friends kept herself to herself. But in the last couple of months she has got more friendly with a couple of girls from school (speaking to them most nights on iPads but only met up with them a couple of times outside of school but they don’t live near us and it’s not really the season for it). Anyway she spent her birthday last year with us as she had no friends to celebrate. This year she asked if she could go out for a pizza with two friends from school and then have a sleepover which we agreed to. I gave her the choice of 4 dates and asked her to double check it these dates were ok with her friends which she did and booked a restaurant a couple of weeks ago. Last week one of them said she couldn’t sleepover now as her mum was away and she had to look after the dog at her grans but she could probably just come for the pizza (not ideal but fair enough). Anyway this morning the other one who was coming for the sleepover and the pizza has messaged DD to say she isn’t allowed to come to either now as her gran is ill but it’s not fair as one of her sisters is still allowed to go to her friends. I don’t know how ill her gran is but I have said if lifts are a problem we can pick her up and drop her off. AIBU to be disappointed on DD’s behalf. WWYD would you still carry on for a pizza with hopefully one friend or reschedule when they are both free? I don’t know either mums telephone number but I saw DD send a text to both girls inviting them and giving them my number for their mums (incase their mums wanted to check anything out and so they had the info re times and restaurants). Also I wouldn’t fancy DD going for a sleepover to someone’s house I had never met before and wasn’t sure whether or not the parents were going to be in and who else was going to be there.

I personally would go ahead with the pizza and not with the sleepover. It sounds as though maybe the girls' parents aren't too happy as perhaps they don't feel the girls know your DD (and you) well enough due to circumstantial lack of visits. This may well change by the summer, after the evenings and weekends are lighter and they have met up on a weekend in the day etc.

As they are fledgling friendships I would make no big deal of the sleepover thing or try and make it happen by suggesting other dates, as if they have to say no again it could spoil the developing friendship by putting them on the spot. Slowly slowly and all that. So I'd just make it going for a pizza, keep it all jolly and upbeat etc. I don't know if this is possible but could you offer to pick up and drop off these girls from their homes? Then you could meet the parents, they could meet you and it might well smooth the way a bit.

Rearrange if your DD thinks they are genuine and then make your own family plans for her actual birthday.

I think she's trying to move too fast with these friendships, if she hasn't known these girls well and hasn't socialised with them outside of school before then a sleepover might be a bit too intense. Also, you've mentioned her personal hygiene isn't great, which might contribute to them not wanting to visit your house/stay over.

Leave it up to your dd. You need to step back now.

I have 2 teens and a DN of the same age. Girls around this age are as flaky as hell when it comes to plans. They make them and hardly ever stick to it. I think what usually happens is they say yes at the first instance, parents probably have no clue and make other plans. However, as others have said, they are old enough for you not to have to arrange directly with parents. We have had numerous times of these sorts of experiences. Even simple ones like arranging to meet on a Saturday, for friends to pull out as they have family commitments. Sadly its tough for your DD, especially on her birthday. I always keep it simple now, so I would have probably just had them round for pizza, then took them home. My DD got completely ditched by her group on her 16th apart from 1 friend. So I made it as happy and lighthearted as possible. Teenage girls can be right little madams!

Well the sleepovers definitely off which I am happy about and we are picking the first friend up and they are going for pizza then dropping her off. Other friend has yet to come back to DD yet so I am keeping our if it.

I would do the pizza and hopefully the sleepover if the friend comes, and then do another one in a couple of weeks time. Can you call the other parents and arrange it?

I think the younger girls are fine with sleepovers. It's tough to be in someone's company for more than 12 hours! As smaller kids they don't notice, but teens are much more self conscious and like their own space and their own bedrooms.
They also hate being somewhere where they can't escape and go home when they want.
At this age something like pizza then the cinema and then home is absolutely fine.
The sleepover is big pressure so friends who don't want to might just pretend they didn't see the text. Or get their mum to lie because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

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Sorry it’s time wrong thread

That's good, Daddylonglegs.

As someone who had similar friendship issues myself at that age, may I respectfully suggest a couple of things (which I wish would have been done?)

1. Don't make too big a thing of the friendship status, try and pick a middle ground. It's embarrassing when your mum is pitying you (even nicely) and it's lonely if you feel your mum doesn't care either. My DM either didn't take an interest or would have been "Poor you! You can't find anyone to go out with your for your birthday, can you, love"... etc. It was cringey. I wanted to be able to tell her things but not have her judge or pity me as it were.

2. I would really gently and subtly orientate your DD to not be quite so opinionated/vocal on dress/style/pouting etc (outside the home). There are some super people who happen to enjoy that kind of thing and it's still all judging people on their appearance. Part of learning to get along with people is learning tact and diplomacy. It doesn't mean you have to or should be tactful or diplomatic or sit on the fence, but if your eyes haven't been opened to it and how to do it and when is sometimes best to exercise it, then it's leaving her without that skill/choice. All the preening and pouting might not be her bag, but it's better to focus on what she does like rather than what she doesn't IYSWIM.
   I was fairly opinionated (not on the pouting etc, as it didn't exist then) but trendy people and things intimidated me and so I would be as sniffy about them as they were about me (not trendy, a bit geeky). I was heavily influenced by my DM and her insecurities (she was either intimidated or overly impressed by people better dressed, better educated etc). In reality, there's room for all sorts in the world.

3. Personal hygiene. I would still doggedly encourage her to be up to reasonable standard on this and would probably go out of my way to ensure that she was clean, clothes were clean etc. Possibly she has equated or mixed up the pouting and preening with normal self-care/hygiene - like if she's showered, teeth cleaned, fresh clothes every day then she'll be turning into "one of them". However it's so important that she's clean and fresh, so many of her peers will notice it and nobody could really want the "smelly" tag at school. Do whatever you can to facilitate the upkeep of hygiene standards.

Feel free to ignore any of this and I know it's not what you've asked, but looking back, I just wish I'd been myself ie geeky/creative/arty individual but also done some things that didn't alienate myself from my peers. It's possible to broaden out without losing your own self or compromising your own integrity. I wish DM had helped me figure it out more.

HaveYouNamechangedForThis Thank you this is really insightful for all mums and especially me at the moment.

I try to keep a middle ground with DD so she isn’t pressured and I tell her I love her, care about her and always ask about her day etc. But I can see where you are coming from. Privately I do feel sorry for her but I don’t vocalise this to her.

DD is vocal with us but quiet at school. She now seems to have adapted skills to just keep herself below the paraphet so the bullies don’t target her (as I witnessed at a parent evening) but she can also stick up for herself and her friends verbally if she decides to.

I ensure she always has clean clothes on. I am not bothered whether she wears make up or not as long as her body, hair and teeth are clean (this is still an ongoing fight). I don’t mind what she does with her hair style wise as long as she brushes it.

Daddylonglegs Sounds like you are doing all you can to support her, which is fantastic. 14 is a difficult age - so many pressures and "lanes to pick". Especially in the social-media obsessed age, the divides are even greater as the competition/peers are not just local but global...

I don't know if it is any consolation but my eldest DD has two very good, close friends - they're all lovely to each other - but they can still be flakey when it comes to making firm plans. In my experience, some girls say yes to something and haven't properly checked with their parents. Or, their parents are flakey and they change plans on their daughters' behalf at short notice because they suddenly have old family friends visiting or have been invited to a christening. That type of thing.

Your DD sounds very much like my youngest DD. She didn't go to the same school as her primary 'friends'. She's had a clean start but still taken her sometime to find her place. She's now gravitating towards the music/IT/on the fringes type people and I hope that she'll end up making some good friendships. Fingers crossed your DD's friendships will continue to grow.

Take DD on a mini break or treat her to a posh hair cut/ ombre. I have a very independent DC of that age who is very capable of looking after their own affairs. Some parents have to micro manage every aspect of their childrens lives.

I think I spent my 14th birthday in a pub followed by going clubbing🙈but all my friends were 16-18 and I looked a lot older!

On a different note me and my mum did not have the best relationship, so she didn’t really care what I done. HOWEVER she was a carer for my grandmother and some weekends she would go away for the day or the weekend. As much as I disliked my mum at times I wouldn’t begrudge her for this, but it meant that I stayed with my Nan for the day or the weekend. It’s possible that something like this could be the case for your daughters friends.

OP - I think your daughter sounds lovely. Things will right themselves eventually.

Is it your DD's birthday today? If so I hope everything has gone smoothly with her friend and she's had a lovely time.

We moved when my DD was in year 8. She changed school and soon made friends. In year 9 she invited all the girls to her 13th birthday party. They all came and to start with DD very much fitted in with the group of 8 other girls. As soon as number 9 entered the group dynamics changed considerably. All the girls moved away from DD and flocked around number 9. I can't put my finger on it but all suddenly seemed not well.

Anyway, halfway through eating their meals the girls ran to the door and left. DD had no idea what was happening. Of course I followed them. It turns out number 9 had told some older boys at school that it was DD's party and all the girls would be there, and basically, invited them down.

I managed to keep them within the vicinity and asked them all to call their parents to collect them. I called the patrents I knew and asked them to let the other parents know.

Anyway fast forward number 9 was horrid to my DD in school after that. (Presumably because she hog into trouble with her parents, for her actions?) She would not allow DD to speak to any of the other girls, who had been good friends until that party, and she excluded her from their group. DD joined another group of friends and number 9 joined that group to exclude DD from the group and so on. School were useless in helping to sort out the bullying.

DD did not want a 14th or 15th birthday get together as she had no friends to invite. On her 16th birthday she went out with her boyfriend.

DD will be 18 soon and has left school. She attends sixth form college, to get away from her school bullies.

She has made some lovely, new friends in college. However they live miles from each other. DD doesn't think they would want to come to her 18th birthday. I don't know if she is afraid of mentioning it to them, just in case she loses her friends, because of what happened at her 13th.

The teenage years are horrible. Children who have been bullied will be scarred and have little confidence. It's no wonder they put barriers up - to prevent them from being hurt.

Anyway, I hope your DD's friend turns up. She may be your DD's only guest but it will mean the world to your DD. It's a case of making your DD's birthday and increasing her confidence, somewhat. Or breaking her heart.

for you and DD

Thanks yes similar happened to DD it’s her actual birthday next week she is going out with friend one for pizza friend to can’t go even if we gave her lifts.
We will do something as a family next week on her birthday.

for all the dds that have had rough times with friends and birthdays.

@Daddylonglegs1965
I am a bit late to this thread so you have got all the advice you need. Keep supporting and keep having fun with your dd. This will honestly serve her well regardless of what the future holds. I hope she has a wonderful day.

HI
It's tricky because if the girls are just making excuses because they don't want to come then to try to re-arrange dates would be further pain for DD. Ask her what she wants to do but I would be tempted to carry on with plan and hope that friend comes, if not family BD it is.
BUT...Please don't despair - I wish my DD had known yours at 14 as they sound similar and mine had a rough time at school being bullied and manipulated by fake friends who actually just liked controlling her, she's a sweet girl.
I posted here on Mumsnet when she was 14 in despair as she had no friends and never went out. I told her to invite friends for her birthday - said i'd pay for a meal etc but she kept saying that she'd forgotten to ask and I realised that either they had said no, or she had nobody that she felt confident to ask. It broke my heart.
However, after GCSE's she went to 6th form college and made lovely genuine friends and her confidence came back, only then did the full story of how utterly miserable she'd been at school come out. I don't think she even knew how awful it was until she made genuine friends with lovely like minded girls and realised that she was capable and worthy of lovely friendships.
She is now happy and outgoing and confident, articulate and empathetic, I'm just so proud of her. She's off to uni in Sept.
I don't know about the party but sometimes they need a fresh start - I would really recommend moving her after GCSE's if not before.

Can one of them make it for pizza as arranged or not?

Try for just the pizza and invite the girls separately for sleep overs later in the year. Three is not a great number for a sleep over. I have done one sleep over with several people and there were tears and lots of talking until 4.00 am. Individual sleep overs are better, IMHO.

I think it is fine she arranged it herself, unfortunate it is not going to plan but please do not let your unhappiness upset DD. If even one comes for pizza that is a win.

Oh sorry, didn't see this.... great news...

"Well the sleepovers definitely off which I am happy about and we are picking the first friend up and they are going for pizza then dropping her off. Other friend has yet to come back to DD yet so I am keeping our if it."

Ps you and your daughter sound really lovely.

I second HaveYouNamechangedForThis's excellent post.

Someone needs to figure out why your DD needs prodding to shower.