AIBU to feel sad for DD and her birthday

[Daddylonglegs1965]

Poor DD almost 14 has had a tough year and a half of it with her peers at school. Brief background isn’t into the usual showing off her body, boys, make up, pop, posing, pouting and popularity contests etc etc. Preferring comfy clothes, no hassle, honesty, loyalty, animals, laughter and chocolate. Anyway after a bit of nastiness from some previous friends kept herself to herself. But in the last couple of months she has got more friendly with a couple of girls from school (speaking to them most nights on iPads but only met up with them a couple of times outside of school but they don’t live near us and it’s not really the season for it). Anyway she spent her birthday last year with us as she had no friends to celebrate. This year she asked if she could go out for a pizza with two friends from school and then have a sleepover which we agreed to. I gave her the choice of 4 dates and asked her to double check it these dates were ok with her friends which she did and booked a restaurant a couple of weeks ago. Last week one of them said she couldn’t sleepover now as her mum was away and she had to look after the dog at her grans but she could probably just come for the pizza (not ideal but fair enough). Anyway this morning the other one who was coming for the sleepover and the pizza has messaged DD to say she isn’t allowed to come to either now as her gran is ill but it’s not fair as one of her sisters is still allowed to go to her friends. I don’t know how ill her gran is but I have said if lifts are a problem we can pick her up and drop her off. AIBU to be disappointed on DD’s behalf. WWYD would you still carry on for a pizza with hopefully one friend or reschedule when they are both free? I don’t know either mums telephone number but I saw DD send a text to both girls inviting them and giving them my number for their mums (incase their mums wanted to check anything out and so they had the info re times and restaurants). Also I wouldn’t fancy DD going for a sleepover to someone’s house I had never met before and wasn’t sure whether or not the parents were going to be in and who else was going to be there.

If the parents don’t know you I am not surprised they have said no to sleepovers - try and get a regular play date in for if there is time before the birthday as they may change their mind about the sleepover after it.

I think maybe they are excuses, perhaps they don't feel comfortable with the sleep over. Maybe because they don't already spend much time physically together out of school, it's a bit of a leap, maybe the type to have social anxieties possibly. Organise just the pizza maybe on another day when they can all go but make it more casual. It is very disappointing for your DD though....

I’d offer another couple of dates. If they can’t make it, add the cinema for the one friend. You could have pizza as a family, with the friend, then drop them at the cinema so they can have more grown up time and it won’t be awkward with just the two of them, as they’ll be watching the film.

PS, I think I’d completely ditch the sleepover idea, just stick with the pizza or pizza and cinema.

Thanks pizza is on for tonight with friend 1 sleepover cancelled thankfully. It was at DD’s insistence as she is young for her age.
ittakes2 - once they get to year 6 and definitely secondary parents don’t do any organising of DC’s social life the DC’s do this themselves via text Snapchat or face to face. I said to DD weeks ago I don’t think a sleepover is a good idea as your friends haven’t really met us properly or been to our house but DD wouldn’t listen. I have met the first friend once briefly in the summer. But DD was most insistent. DD isn’t keen on showering as she is lazy and can’t be bothered. She will go in now after sport so maybe two or three times a week tops but has to be cajoled into it it is never her idea. But her armpits always seem to smell. I have bought her deodorant explained how to use it and why umpteen times. Thanks all.

She needs to shower daily, or she'll stink to the high heavens. Just make it a routine thing she has to do.

I'm actually thinking, she might be depressed. You can't get my dd (14) out of the bathroom, with her beauty regime.

When you're depressed, personal hygiene goes out the window. You just don't care.

You mentioned all the things she's not into as if they are bad things.

They're actually healthy signs to be into those things. Are they things you don't want her to be into? Maybe she can't be herself and is depressed because of how you want her to behave?

Only showering 2 or 3 times a week is probably why she doesn't have any friends. Teenage girls can be cruel.
A friends daughter was ostracised at school because she didn't shave under her arms and wore a leotard with the hair on show.
I have boys but I said to them " you're men now. Men shower every day. It's the rule. "
You seem to be treating her as if she's still little. She doesn't have to be into make up but clean and fresh smelling is the bare minimum.

No I went into Benefit with her and they did her makeup she looked gorgeous and we spent a small fortune on products for her that looked lovely on her, she has hair straighteners and a hair dryer and curl wand but isn’t interested. She prefers the natural look (it’s easier she said I can do her hair tonight if I want to). But I don’t wear a lot of make up everyday (and not everybody does) we are lucky in that we both have good skin. Yes I know about bullying over smelling it happened in my school I have explained this over and over. Not all 13/14 year olds have a beauty regime and shower regime but many do but she definitely needs to engage in deodorant.

Not all teens are the same! Some won't get into the bathroom, and some won't get out of it!

You are doing a good job explaining things to her.

Some posters seem to be wilfully misreading! You have not said you are against certain things (like looking smart) and have offered her chances to explore other things.

You sound like you are doing your best and it is so hard. Teenagers don't always do what we as parents suggest! Who knew!

I have a 14 yo DD and I do find your first OP very judgemental; my DD wears make up, loves pop music, wears fashionable clothes etc etc but is also very honest, loves animais and chocolate, is kind and friendly.
However I do feel for you and your DD. I can't get mine out of the bathroom but I can understand how difficult it is to persuade ford DD to shower etc. One tip I will give is one my DD uses which is to use proper bar soap under her arms eg Shield, Imperial Leather and also she uses a shower puff to do so. She never smells apart from after the gym and that's fresh swear (gross but true).

*your DD not ford DD, sorry!

Why would someone be depressed because they don’t like makeup and are not that good at personal hygiene? If she was a boy no one would bat a eye lid and would just say “normal teen behaviour”.

OP, my dd is the same as yours, she’s never worn make up and I have to remind her to wash and bath/shower, she couldn’t care less if her hair looks messy or if she has a few spots on her face. She’s not depressed, she’s just a teenager who doesn’t spend hours looking in the mirror. Please don’t try and encourage her to be like all the other girls in her class if she doesn’t feel comfortable, who wants to be a sheep anyway?

My dd has 4 friends, they are good friends who don’t care wether my dd is wearing make up or not, if her hair is messy and if she’s not wearing the latest fashion, they like her because she quirky, she wears quirky clothes and she’s unique.

My daughter has now chosen one friend to come over for her birthday, it’s a boy who is struggling at school, not one of her best friends but she’s decided that he needs a friend right now and she wants a quite birthday (her other friends are quite noisy), we will be ordering pizza and they will be playing the Nintendo switch.

Because the knock on effect of " not being good at personal hygiene " is that people don't want to be your friend. And being friendless at 14 is miserable.

I have a DS aged 14 and his friendships are up and down but I think this is normal. I have to let him forge his way - he won’t let me make any arrangements and hates it if I even suggest he sees a friend!! It’s his bday in a couple of months so I think he’ll just see friends after school on that day and he has something unrelated on the following weekend where he’ll be with some of his friends too. I’m not going to interfere. And if he goes to a sleepover I will normally at least know who the boy is and maybe vaguely know the parents. The only time I communicate with other parents is regarding rotas for lifts.

And I’m sorry but I’d insist your DD wear deodorant at the very least. Shave or not shave, you’re not inflicting it in others, but you are inflicting BO. When my DS smells I tell him - he’s learnt now pretty much even though I sometimes have to remind him to put it on!

Lovemusic33 - your DD sounds lovely and would be perfect friend for mine thanks for the support. Yes I think this small group is a small quiet alternative group maybe a bit tomboy ish. They play fortnight together and other online games. I don’t think any of them wear make up. DD also befriends other children who are having a hard time at school. At lunch time the less popular kids all sit together now and more and more alternative less popular kids seem to be joining her table which is lovely. DD is very inclusive and always has been but the trend at school in year 7 and 8 seemed to be the opposite especially by the popular crowd. Just going out now to look at birthday presents then she’s got pizza meal later.

I hope she has a good birthday.
My dd struggled in year 7 and 8, didn’t really have any friends but she now has a few really good ones (boys and girls) and she no longer cares about what the other girls think of her.

Your daughter sounds lovely OP, don’t let people force her to change just because that’s what society expects us to do (wear make up and spend hours in the bathroom).

LoveMusic because not caring about ones appearance or personal hygiene is a pretty common symptom or affect of depression?

No ones saying that she has to wear makeup, or dress up but i would be worried about a teenager who didn't want to wash whatever the sex.

Also you can't really expect people to want to be friends with you if you smell. Poor personal hygiene will effect friendships.

There's nothing wrong with girls who like comfy clothes, no makeup aren't bothered by their hair, but by the same token there's nothing wrong with girls who like these things. I hate how sometimes the first group judge on the second group, just because a girl wears makeup doesn't mean she spends hours in front of the mirror.

On the subject of your DD OP, absolutely do not encourage her to follow the rules, wear what other teenagers wear, wear make up if she's doesn't want to but please try to encourage her to wash properly.

I am glad she's going for pizza, 14 is a very hard age. Some girls are very grown up and others are still very young. There can be such a big gap between girls at that age, and teenagers can be very cruel. I think personally those excuses sound genuine. One girl is coming for pizza, good friendships take time and hopefully your DD can start to form strong friendships with some of these girls.

Definitely not unreasonable, but as a few others have said maybe it could be the thought of a sleepover that's out to g the other girls off? Try for just the pizza, but be ready for that being turned down too. Modern teens do often only communicate on SM rather than face to face, so be proud of them if they all manage to eat together! Xxx

It’s only a sign of depression if they have changed from caring about their appearance to suddenly not caring. Some teenagers just don’t care about washing, shaving etc.., several of my daughters friends are the same, I think it’s a case of just nagging them a little and hoping that they will realise they smell and decide to shower. I have to nag dd to bath (we don’t have a shower), I have to remind her to put on deodorant and to brush her teeth. She now has alwarms set on her phone to remind her to brush her teeth each morning as she would happily roll out of bed and go straight to school. I remember my brother being like this as a teenager, he grew up and no longer smells

Op, I have not used a hair dryer for over 25 years!! My dd never uses one. We all wash hair and leave it to dry naturally. It wouldn't cross my mind in a million years for her dry it etc.

That's how we do our hair here and we are normal, people who don't fuss massively about being turned Out well or obsessed over looks,

Most parents are going to express opinions... But getting drunk and stuff is normal teenage stuff really.

Sorry that should add we are not obsessed over looks but we do turn out pretty well

but do you wash your body every day and use anti perspirant?

This is the rub-we are not saying that anyone should spend hours on hair and make up but basic showering is very important.

SOME teenage girls are cruel and a whiffy B.O smelling classmate is likely to be given the cold shoulder.