AIBU to feel sad for DD and her birthday

[Daddylonglegs1965]

Poor DD almost 14 has had a tough year and a half of it with her peers at school. Brief background isn’t into the usual showing off her body, boys, make up, pop, posing, pouting and popularity contests etc etc. Preferring comfy clothes, no hassle, honesty, loyalty, animals, laughter and chocolate. Anyway after a bit of nastiness from some previous friends kept herself to herself. But in the last couple of months she has got more friendly with a couple of girls from school (speaking to them most nights on iPads but only met up with them a couple of times outside of school but they don’t live near us and it’s not really the season for it). Anyway she spent her birthday last year with us as she had no friends to celebrate. This year she asked if she could go out for a pizza with two friends from school and then have a sleepover which we agreed to. I gave her the choice of 4 dates and asked her to double check it these dates were ok with her friends which she did and booked a restaurant a couple of weeks ago. Last week one of them said she couldn’t sleepover now as her mum was away and she had to look after the dog at her grans but she could probably just come for the pizza (not ideal but fair enough). Anyway this morning the other one who was coming for the sleepover and the pizza has messaged DD to say she isn’t allowed to come to either now as her gran is ill but it’s not fair as one of her sisters is still allowed to go to her friends. I don’t know how ill her gran is but I have said if lifts are a problem we can pick her up and drop her off. AIBU to be disappointed on DD’s behalf. WWYD would you still carry on for a pizza with hopefully one friend or reschedule when they are both free? I don’t know either mums telephone number but I saw DD send a text to both girls inviting them and giving them my number for their mums (incase their mums wanted to check anything out and so they had the info re times and restaurants). Also I wouldn’t fancy DD going for a sleepover to someone’s house I had never met before and wasn’t sure whether or not the parents were going to be in and who else was going to be there.

Thanks Juells I will suggest that to her. I think she would enjoy that. I said to her when she left this morning to say to the 2nd girl that we could give her lifts if that helped (thinking the time might clash with hospital visiting times). And to think about whether she wanted to cancel Sat (early eve at local pizza restaurant not Pizza Hut), to go at lunch time or to reschedule it to next weekend or Feb half term when hopefully both girls are free.

The early teen years are difficult. Eldest DD wasn't one of the 'in crowd' so birthdays were low key after primary school. Just family or one or two friends going for pizza. Youngest DD much more outgoing though still immature but always quite a few girls over for birthdays etc.
When DD2 was 14 she told me she and a mixed group of friends were staying at a friend's house overnight but could I drop her at a different friend's house first and they'd go to the host friend's house together. Later that evening another parent rang about something and we realised they'd been lying. Eventually found them all camping in a field in a badly erected and now leaking tent and very happy to be rescued. After that I checked overnight stay stories.

Foreverexhausted - thanks I am
thinking along the same lines. I think DD has felt more confident with these girls and has been encouraged by them to organise something. But the friendship is in the early stages and I don’t want to see DD hurt. Will
see what she comes with. I have offered lifts if 2nd girl still can’t go I will cancel do something ourselves. But leave it to DD to push if she wants to organise a belated birthday pizza at a date in the future, Glad and encouraged I am not totally paranoid by not wanting DD to sleep out with vague arrangements. Admittedly I am overly invested in this as DD was hurt badly in Year 7. This really set her back and she internalised a lot of the hurt.

Since she had no friends at all last year on her birthday, pizza with friends is a long step so take it.

She sounds similar to my dd, my dd’s birthday is next week and she’s still unsure what she wants to do, wether she wants to invite her 3 friends over or just spend it with me and her sister. I kind of leave it up to her to organise with her friends, they don’t sleep over but I have said they can come over for pizza (take away) during the evening, her friends have been over a few times but often one of them or all of them are busy.

I’m not sure if these girls are just making excuses, I don’t know many people that have sleep overs and my dd’s friends are not really allowed friends over at all so my house kind of gets used when they want to meet up.

Could you rearrange and just take them out for pizza and forget the sleepover? Lots of people are busy, I know my dd is always busy at weekends as she goes to her dads and always has homework to do which is why we don’t do sleepovers.

Aw bless her. You're doing the right thing. They'll come up with some sort of arrangement themselves no doubt. I'd organise something just family for her - maybe a shopping trip, or getting her hair or nails done or something?

My dd loves sleepovers. They all live far from each other, so it's the only option really. Once they're left to their own devices, and no hovering Mummy (me), then they're happy as pigs in shit. I'm a mere embarrassment/inconvenience/nuisance these days. That seems to be what all the girls do for their birthdays - go shopping, get pizza/chinese, go to cinema, or else a sleepover with a couple of them.

I would do pizza tomorrow in a heartbeat but friend 2 can’t do either at the moment unless a lift makes a difference so it could just be DD and flakey friend 1 (and I am not convinced she won’t bail at the last minute or be late which could leave DD sitting in a pizza restaurant on her own.

Although I had friends at school (grammar), I lived on the council estate miles away from my posher friends in private housing, who caught buses to school separately, so we didn't meet up very often out of school hours. It didn't help either that my family had no phone or car and this was pre-internet days. I survived and grew up to have lots of friends as an adult.

Help your daughter have some interests locally - clubs, voluntary work, babysitting and stuff and do nice family things. She'll realise one day that bitchy and unreliable friends aren't worth spending time stressing over.

What I would do is spend your DD's birthday with her (as in you, DP? and her). Do something fun, like a day out, meal etc. I don't think it's weird/uncool at all for a 14 year old to spend their birthday with their family.

And then rearrange the pizza with the two friends for another night. It doesn't have to be specifically to celebrate her birthday. That way if it all goes to pot again, the let down is not as bad.

I can relate to this too - DC2 didn’t have a Birthday ‘do’ with school friends for around 4 years from Yr 7 to about Yr 10. Having a September Birthday didn’t help. I was very sad but it was what it was and we always did something as a family instead. Roll on a few years to 6th form (and a new School) and the house was full of friends and pizza and birthday cake. Early teen years can be brutal but I learnt from my DC that you can’t force friendships and sometimes as a parent - all things being equal - you have to just be there whilst they navigate it for themselves.

Thanks yes we will do something together as a family anyway. I know she was really looking forward to this and pleased she had someone to invite who wanted to go with her. Flaky friend 1’s Mum is single and seems to be out socialising a fair bit so she spends a lot of time with her grandma. Friend 2’s parents are together dad works in education and has interests which often involves him spending time away from family including a fortnight away on his own abroard in summer and bouts of time away at other times. So think her mum does most of the day to day stuff. So if her mums poorly it could just be logistics.

Could the girls be worried they have to pay hence making excuses as no money?
Mine has just turned 13 and had pizza at Pizza Express and sleepover. All her friends seem to have had similar so your plan seems fine to me. I did text both girls mums inviting them and dd also spoke to and messaged them.

What's about a pizza and cinema trip and you drive them home and no sleepover. I would try and re arrange as I think it will hive your DD a boost.

Also - know you are looking out for your DD but your description off young teenage girls is very judgemental the other girls are into showing of their bodies to boys, my DD is into honesty. Come on. You are better than that.

My dad just turned 14, she wanted to do pottery painting with two friends and McDonald’s. Generally arranged by them. I drove.

KC225 - it is judgmental I am sad DD has had no friends for a little while. I wish she took more pride in her appearance, personal hygiene, had more friends and interests etc. But when I see how some of the girls she went to primary school with now dress, act, swear, how heavily and harshly made up they are and hear what they get up to I am glad DD isn’t into those things.

I'd rearrange. I wouldn't assume the worst in these girls just yet. Rearrange and if one or both cancel again then you and your dd know it was perhaps a more fickle friendship than she thought.

Its not been mentioned I don't think, but how much notice where they given? If its not a lot then some parents would just say no if they've got other things going on and don't feel they can make the effort.

daddylonglegs

"I wish she took more pride in her appearance, personal hygiene etc."

Now that worries me more than the no friends issue.

Self neglect can be a strong sign for depression, indicating a poor sense of self worth, this could be linked to her social isolation, or she could be having problems with friendships because of depression. Does she talk to you about her feelings and inner thoughts? I know teens are notorious for not confiding in their parents, but it is up to us to watch out for them and spot the worrying signs .

forgive me for being harsh but you also sound very judgemental about how other teens live their lives, making comments about their dress and appearance (not to mention the rather gloating comment about a child getting pregnant -well that taught her didn't it?!) and I imagine you are quite vocal in expressing your disapproval, perhaps your DD is trying to win your approval by going to the other extreme.

This has been discussed between the girls for a month. A date was agreed between them 2 1/2 -3 weeks ago.

They have been friendly at school all year but only more recently talking on face time.

DD is lazy and has always since younger had to be nagged to clean her teeth, go in shower and she rarely dries her hair properly preferring to come down with it damp and to let it dry itself etc

She was extremely happy with her friends in year 7 but when the friendship went wrong her confidence took a massive dip. She did speak to me about some of it but a lot came out later. No doubt about it she was stressed and depressed but she seems to be coming out of this now.

DD herself is scathing about not wanting to wear X clothes as the people who are trying to hard to be popular people wear those. I have tried to get her to wear more fashionable clothes but she shows no interest in fashion or clothes saying she doesn’t like anything and doesn’t need anymore clothes.

OP my youngest is 15, will be 16 in a few months, she has no friends to invite - it was literally word for word what happened with your DD. Mine was bullied horribly in year 7, we come from about 5 miles away from the school but most of the kids lived on a large housing estate where the school was so all hanging round and casual meet ups which we couldn't do as it involved sorting out transport.

I've also done the picks and pay dance where I've driven all the girls everywhere and paid for everything and even then it would be too much trouble for the parents to even pass on a phone number. Do something nice with her yourself and if she is willing to get involved in another hobby like horse riding or going to stables etc then make some opportunities for her. BTW its not being over-invested, its being arsed, which some parents can't.

DishingOutDone Thanks for the support hope things get better for your DD. In year 7 her friendship situation all started to go wrong around the time of her birthday. After we had paid for them to go bowling, pizza out and hosted them all for a sleepover with treats they all turned on her within a week-fortnight and about two days after her grandads funeral.

You can be honest and loyal while showing off your body. Your daughter isn't better than any other teenage girl because she prefers 'comfy clothes'. Honestly found it hard to even take in the rest of it with your superior attitude over anyone who behaves in a different way to what your deem acceptable (honestly, pop music???)

You could have just described the awful attitudes of the other girls without having to mention their appearance and preferences. Those are not linked to their unpleasantness.

I am only going off what you've said here so I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like they are making excuses.

I'm also a bit surprised that at 14 she gave her friend's your number to pass on to their parents. Maybe this put them off a bit? 14 yr Olds don't usually do stuff like that

I read your op and was dismayed by what your dd went through and the way you describe and judge other teen girls.

Very few teens don't have issues with friends at this age, navigating through teens is hard work surely you have the intelligence to see that most teens are trying to find their way and forge their own identity.
Between that and calling friend one flaky you don't come across nice about your dds friends, maybe your attitude is rubbing off on your dd? Has the not washing or brushing her teeth stemmed from how judgemental she hears you been about other teens who care for themselves?
Has she ever considered that her lack of hygiene could've been one of the reasons her friends turned on her?

It's hard been a teen and very admirable md your dd to want to wear what she likes and not behave a certain way but it sounds more like she's using this as an excuse not to maintain basic hygiene which is worrying.

I’d also cancel and rearrange with just pizza. They might flake out again in which case you can maybe have a backup of a nice thing to do with her yourself, spoil her, give her a boost. The one friend who does show could be her really good friend, all is not lost.

I think this age is a difficult one. See on here how some say you are over involved with the plans.
I pretty much gave up on friend celebrations for 13,14 and 15 because the friends would be like; “ yeah great, we’ll be there” but would not consult with their parents over arrangements and, not attending the local school, driving was usually required.
Things will fall into place for your DD in due course.