To insist DS doesn't call DM's husband "grandpa"?

[Rtmhwales]

Not sure if I am BU or if it's okay to insist this with my mother, who is currently raging at me.

For a bit of context: DM is on her fourth husband, currently married to step father for about 7 years. They met and married long after I had moved abroad, so I had very little interaction with him. I moved back last year to have DS, who is now 7 months old.

I cannot stand my step father. He is a vile, arrogant man. I haven't been able to stand him any time I've met him, and especially not when I moved back and had regular contact. Things reached a breaking point around Christmas when he called me, to my face, a "selfish little b%#^h" for gifting them a trip abroad, all expenses paid, that was my mother's dream destination because he had apparently wanted to give that to her for her milestone birthday next month. I don't know if he would have, we didn't discuss it as it didn't even occur to me he would plan similar. He hadn't bought tickets or anything when I gifted it to them. After that, I've gone NC with him and refuse to be around him.

My DB and SIL, as well as my grandfather and aunt, and her husband's own two DSs also refuse to have contact with him. My mother frequently says she wants to get divorced but can't because of financial reasons, and thus will be sticking it out long term.

Anyway, to cut to the heart of the issue, DM was over today showing pictures of a weekend away to myself and infant DS. I said something to the effect of, "Oh, look at Grandma and 'Husband's Name' in their silly hats". DM corrected me to "Grandma and Grandpa". I said no, that's not going to be the case, besides my DF is already his grandpa. She promptly lost it, yelling at me that I have no right to be disrespectful and DS will be calling him grandpa. I said I have the right to decide what my child calls people, she said I didn't.

So AIBU? Willing to be told I am, but considering limiting her interactions with DS to solely at my home where he won't be around her husband and no need to address him as any particular name.

On a side note, DF is also very against her husband being called grandpa, as that's his special name, and DM insisted no other variations could be used, even though if I'm being honest, I'm not that open minded to any variation of a grandfatherly endearment.

yanbu !!!

Given that you are NC with him because he was so rude to you it seems very odd that your DM would try to establish that kind of familial name.

i'd be telling her no way, df is grandpa, end off. she's only with this ares hole for financial reasons, he's her 4th husband and he means nothing to you or your ds. ds has a grandpa- your dad, i'd go low contact with her, she sounds toxic and possibly manipulated by the twat but that's not your problem. ds is your son, you get to call the shots and she needs to butt out.

Your child. You decide. Don't let her make you think otherwise.

Oh well I came on to say that your DS can choose what relationship he has with a step grandparent, the more people in his life who love him the better blah blah blah

But fuck me he sounds awful! YANBU at all.

He probably is making her life hell by insisting that he is "Grandpa". Stick to your decision, but be aware that it might not all come from her.

YANBU. If you felt like trying to keep the peace with your mother, maybe uncle could be a compromise. He sounds awful though.

No YANBU. He is not your child's grandpa nor is he a grandpa figure in his life.

I said I have the right to decide what my child calls people, she said I didn't.

I thought that. DD had other ideas and came up with her own, made up names.

I have a DGS. He will call my DH grandpa, even though he sounds not my DDs father. That's because he's been around since DD was 5, and my DD wants him to be called grandpa!
If she wanted him to be called something else, we would have been happy to agree. My DH is very keen not to step on up your DDs fathers toes!
So no, YANBU. Your children will call him what you choose to call him, regardless of what your DM wants.

YANBU
you are an adult now and DM can't tell you what to do
The "you are being rude" is in the manipulative mother book, section 3 chapter 2

Thank you. Was totally prepared to be told I was being unreasonable the wya she was going on about it.

To the previous poster who said she sounds toxic, I promise she's not. She's generally a loving, great mother and DS is besotted with her. She just makes bad choices with men. I honestly don't know where this outburst came from, except she's big into social appearances and I think maybe she's worried DS will refer to them as Grandma and XYZ in public when he's older and that will hint at the strained relationship to strangers/her friends? I'm not sure. Or maybe she's just very traditional and subscribed to the notion children should call them grandpa etc. I just am having trouble stomaching the idea of my DS calling someone who's horrible to me (and DB, and SIL and etc) a title such as grandpa.

Yeah I'm betting this is coming from the husband rather than your DM. It's likely to be more assertion of authority rather than he desperately wants to be a grandad to your DS.

Maintaining the no contact might be the most sensible way to handle this. If DS doesn't see the man, there won't be any need for him to be called anything.

YANBU

Plus he won’t be having a relationship with the man so he doesn’t need a name, he sounds horrendous

Since you are NC with him, there is no reason to call him anything.
If essential, tell your mother that DS can't call 2 different men Grandpa. Grandpa is your DF.
DM husband has to be something else.
Like Grumpy.
Or Gaga.
Both perfectly reasonable grandparent names.

Agree with @namedchangedforthiscancershit came on to say “it takes a village” blah blah but he sounds like a vile scumbag! Yanbu.

Does your DM understand the relationship you have with her DH? If she does, she may be more likely to accept your decision once the dust has settled.

No way, yanbu

DS (5) has recently chosen to call DM's DH "Grandad [name]. I hadn't been as she married him when I was 30. But he's a nice man.

In your case YANBU.

YANBU

I had Grandpa and Aunty (name) for very similar reason.

My parent couidn't stand her, but always behaved impeccably . I didn't realise all the difficulties until many years later (and heard from an older cousin).

Can you find a way to have as little to do with him as possible?

@TidyDancer she's well aware the relationship we all have with her husband but she's usually of the keep-the-peace persuasion. Even when all the Christmas stuff went off she kept telling me to let it go because he was "just disappointed not to get to surprise her as well". No mention of the vile names he called me or insults he threw at me. DB went completely NC then, his wife already refused to come to any events that my mother's husband was at.

While I refuse to see the man, DM often takes DS out and it isn't unlikely that she will take him home or bring her husband along on outings. There's not much I can do about that, really, unless I restrict it all to my place, which I'm not 100% sure I want to do. So he will probably have to have a name.

He sounds awful. He's not your sons grandfather he's your mums husband, so no you are not being unreasonable.

It's your choice and ultimately the childs. As there seems a strong likelihood you will end up going NC or close to it, it's probably not wise to let them get too familiar anyway as DS will end up getting hurt.

The irony is that the sort of step-GP that deserves to be called grandpa won't be bothered either way. A decent person would be more concerned for the feelings of the child and their parents than their own ego. I've got step-grandkids to 4 different step-children. 2 sets call me grandpa, one set call me gramps and the other set calls me by my name. Makes no odds to me, I love them all equally.

He’s so vile you might want to re-evaluate your son’s welfare when in his company. Your Mum sounds like she would be unable to protect him and would look the other way. He WILL experience what you and your sil and others have, its only a matter of time.

My gran married 4 blokes. Lots of confusion for us, wedding, funeral, wedding, funeral, etc.

I remember calling the last husband Pop. He was definitely not a grandfather. Her fifth chap was simply Uncle Roy. We were a bit older by then and it seemed respectful to his age.

There's lots of options for this guy's title, but I imagine it's not that that's upsetting your mum, far more likely to be about appearances.