To insist DS doesn't call DM's husband "grandpa"?

[Rtmhwales]

Not sure if I am BU or if it's okay to insist this with my mother, who is currently raging at me.

For a bit of context: DM is on her fourth husband, currently married to step father for about 7 years. They met and married long after I had moved abroad, so I had very little interaction with him. I moved back last year to have DS, who is now 7 months old.

I cannot stand my step father. He is a vile, arrogant man. I haven't been able to stand him any time I've met him, and especially not when I moved back and had regular contact. Things reached a breaking point around Christmas when he called me, to my face, a "selfish little b%#^h" for gifting them a trip abroad, all expenses paid, that was my mother's dream destination because he had apparently wanted to give that to her for her milestone birthday next month. I don't know if he would have, we didn't discuss it as it didn't even occur to me he would plan similar. He hadn't bought tickets or anything when I gifted it to them. After that, I've gone NC with him and refuse to be around him.

My DB and SIL, as well as my grandfather and aunt, and her husband's own two DSs also refuse to have contact with him. My mother frequently says she wants to get divorced but can't because of financial reasons, and thus will be sticking it out long term.

Anyway, to cut to the heart of the issue, DM was over today showing pictures of a weekend away to myself and infant DS. I said something to the effect of, "Oh, look at Grandma and 'Husband's Name' in their silly hats". DM corrected me to "Grandma and Grandpa". I said no, that's not going to be the case, besides my DF is already his grandpa. She promptly lost it, yelling at me that I have no right to be disrespectful and DS will be calling him grandpa. I said I have the right to decide what my child calls people, she said I didn't.

So AIBU? Willing to be told I am, but considering limiting her interactions with DS to solely at my home where he won't be around her husband and no need to address him as any particular name.

On a side note, DF is also very against her husband being called grandpa, as that's his special name, and DM insisted no other variations could be used, even though if I'm being honest, I'm not that open minded to any variation of a grandfatherly endearment.

Yanbu. At all.

Fyi - my stepmother has been in my life since I was a teenager and we get along famously (better than with my own mother). They are still "grandad and [name]" to my children, because that's what I'm comfortable with and my dad & stepmother respect my boundaries.

You may be a little U to allow your mother - who defends her husband's abusive behaviour towards her own child - unfettered access to your small child, but that's something only you can decide.

YANBU. I spent my childhood with my mum trying to merge us into the lives and families of a string of men.

It really made me put my foot down when she started trying to get DD to call stepdad, who i have an uneasy relationship with, grandad. It upset my mum but had to be done imo, im not going through all that again with my DD

Yanbu.

My DH parents are divorced and remarried. I refer to their respective new spouses as my twins grandad and nanna BUT they are people who love my babies and with whom I have good relationships.

I couldn’t imagine having to call someone I couldn’t stand my child’s granddad. It would choke me. Stick to your guns op.

Yanbu!!!

I suspect it comes from him or a fear of him being upset. I wouldn't give in to this, definitely not grandpa if that's what your dad is, consider a different name but there is nothing wrong with using his name, my children called their step grandmother her name.

Totally siding with you on this OP.

she kept telling me to let it go because he was "just disappointed not to get to surprise her as well"
Bloody hell your mum must have low standards if she thinks that's an acceptable way to behave when you are disappointed.

YANBU

However if he's so awful you've gone NC then YABVU to allow unfettered access to your child.

My best friend compromised and allowed her daughter to call her husband's wife "auntie x"
But given your misgivings and your mum's stance I would just minimise contact.

Your mother could not defend you in the face of his appalling behaviour so she won't defend your DS.

He’s so vile you might want to re-evaluate your son’s welfare when in his company. Your Mum sounds like she would be unable to protect him and would look the other way.

^Ths

Not unreasonable at all even if he was lovely. He's not your dad so he's not your sons grandad.
My mum's long term boyfriend tried to be called grandad when d's was born but we always says granny and " first name".
I can't stand that man and maybe I would feel different if I did but I can't say. He's not a grandad, he's not even my step dad, he doesn't have children and acts like a baby. I didn't grow up with him around so therefore he's not my child's grandad.

Say 'if that is the case, then should I start to call DF's parter "Mum"?'

Also, I completely agree that 'D'M should not be allowed unsupervised access to your son. Her husband sounds like he is on power trip and your mum will do nothing to protect your baby. She can visit at your house.

Let's get this right. Your DM wants to leave this awful man but can't and in the next breath he is grandpa?
Your Mum is confused about her own relationship with this man.
She has been married 4 times did you have to call each one Dad?

I think it might be strange to have DS call them Grandma and Uncle X, especially when he has two uncles already.

My mother tends to just stay out of conflicts, she's always been that way for the most part. I haven't (yet), but if I was to call him a f'ing twat or similar, she wouldn't defend him either. I suppose it's one of her flaws. I do believe she'd defend DS though, as when I jokingly told him he was being a naughty baby, she gave me an earful (as she clearly loves him more than me ).

She did actually once tell him off in my defense when he hilariously insisted that since she was to be my birth partner in the hospital (single mum here) that he should be allowed in the room too, but away from the 'action'. Apparently his ex wife made him wait in the waiting room when she had their two children and he felt he should get to witness the miracle of life at least once in his life. I balked and my mother told him he was being deranged.

For what it's worth, I don't think her husband is behind the name insistence for two reasons; he has shown very little interest in DS apart from smiling at him and I don't think it occurred to either of them before this conversation that I'd ever be deviating from the grandma and grandpa trope.

He is a bully and I suspect your mum is deeply unhappy and is under pressure from the “pig’ - your mum has made her bed. Id go low contact at your house or even meet at a local cafe.

@BlueJag she was married once prior to my dad, and twice after. The one after, she did insist we call "dad" which I flat out refused to as a teenager, but DB did. My own father was less than thrilled.

She doesn't seem to love this husband based on the chats we've had but she's adamant she won't get divorced because of financial reasons and because she couldn't bear to be divorced again. Again, I think it comes down to how she thinks people view her though honestly what's a fourth divorce when you have three.

My mother wanted the same. She married my stepfather in 1981 when I was 21. My first was born in 1994. My stepfather is ok and has been very nice to the children.

They call him Gerald. Why? Because that is his name and he is not related to them. My father was their grandad; DH's father was their grandad. My stepfather was not, is not and never shall be.

I have experience of this as the child. My grandmother had an affair and eventually married the other man. She’s very proper (think hyacinth bouquet) and insisted we call her husband grandpa. He was horrible to us, aloof and constantly calling me his biological granddaughter’s name instead of mine. My actual grandad was really hurt because this guy and my grandma had taken him to the cleaners.

As soon as I was old enough (about 11) I started calling him his actual name. My grandma went nuts.

I guess what I’m saying is they can insist all they want - but as soon as your son is old enough and sees this guy for what he is, there’s no pretending he’s his grandad. Yanbu. Your mum is ridiculous for not even letting you use a variation.

yanbu

No way! YANBU at all, she doesn't get to decide this. And I say that as a parent who's own children call my mum's partner (not even husband) grandpa!

Is your dad remarried? If so, ask her if she wants his wife to be called grandma?

Personally I'd be reffing to this guy as 'granny's 4th husband'. I would not be introducing them.

Your mother needs to back off. She has no right to inflict her poor choices onto others.

He wanted to be at DS's birth? He was being serious?

He sounds a complete knob. YADNBU.

I hope you've got your money back for the overseas trip you gave them, OP. He doesn't deserve to have it.

And if you can't be sure your mother won't take your child to visit him, then please don't let her have unsupervised access to your child. Your child will be exposed to all sorts of toxicities if the two of them look after him together. You have to protect him, no matter how inconvenient and difficult it is.

Tell her how it's going to be if she wants to carry on seeing you and your DS.