To insist DS doesn't call DM's husband "grandpa"?

[Rtmhwales]

Not sure if I am BU or if it's okay to insist this with my mother, who is currently raging at me.

For a bit of context: DM is on her fourth husband, currently married to step father for about 7 years. They met and married long after I had moved abroad, so I had very little interaction with him. I moved back last year to have DS, who is now 7 months old.

I cannot stand my step father. He is a vile, arrogant man. I haven't been able to stand him any time I've met him, and especially not when I moved back and had regular contact. Things reached a breaking point around Christmas when he called me, to my face, a "selfish little b%#^h" for gifting them a trip abroad, all expenses paid, that was my mother's dream destination because he had apparently wanted to give that to her for her milestone birthday next month. I don't know if he would have, we didn't discuss it as it didn't even occur to me he would plan similar. He hadn't bought tickets or anything when I gifted it to them. After that, I've gone NC with him and refuse to be around him.

My DB and SIL, as well as my grandfather and aunt, and her husband's own two DSs also refuse to have contact with him. My mother frequently says she wants to get divorced but can't because of financial reasons, and thus will be sticking it out long term.

Anyway, to cut to the heart of the issue, DM was over today showing pictures of a weekend away to myself and infant DS. I said something to the effect of, "Oh, look at Grandma and 'Husband's Name' in their silly hats". DM corrected me to "Grandma and Grandpa". I said no, that's not going to be the case, besides my DF is already his grandpa. She promptly lost it, yelling at me that I have no right to be disrespectful and DS will be calling him grandpa. I said I have the right to decide what my child calls people, she said I didn't.

So AIBU? Willing to be told I am, but considering limiting her interactions with DS to solely at my home where he won't be around her husband and no need to address him as any particular name.

On a side note, DF is also very against her husband being called grandpa, as that's his special name, and DM insisted no other variations could be used, even though if I'm being honest, I'm not that open minded to any variation of a grandfatherly endearment.

I was going to say Yabvvvu, your ds can call him what he likes. But considering the age of yiur ds, the fact that this man is truly vile and abusive, your dad is grandpa, noway. If your mum is behaving like this and supporting him, I would go either low or no contact with them.

My kids have a stepgrandfather who has always been called by his name, say Trevor.

He loves my kids and they love him. He is unstintingly supportive of them, always at events like concerts, generous with presents and with stuff they need for hobbies. He was ill recently and the older children keep in touch with him and visit.

He diplomatically refers to them as “the grandchildren”. The kids say “Nan and Trevor.” Sadly my kids’ biological grandfathers have both died so Trevor is the only old fella in our family and we all love him.

So ironically Trevor isn’t called Grandad but he absolutely is because he has earned that over two decades. It’s not about titles it’s about bonds.

OP good luck with managing the politics. It is much harder with D.C. You need to do what is best for you and your DS.

YANBU. Had he been a long term stepfather who had brought you up it would be different but he’s just your Mum’s husband and he’s a prick at that.

YANBU. What a vile man.

I have a similar problem. Loathe MILs partner. She often refers to him as grumpa (trying to make a joke of how grumpy and utterly miserable he is). I always refer to his name. He is only 18 months at the moment, so letting it slide. But once he is old enough I will definitely be telling him his name is X. He only has 1 grandad and that is my dad who dotes on him.

Stand your ground, YANBU.

My kids call my step dad grandpa, but he is a lovely man who makes the effort to be part of their lives and everybody's happy with it.

Your mum's husband on the other hand sounds horrible so yanbu at all. Your mum can't dictate that to you either, especially after he was so nasty to you. I wouldn't be spending any time with him after that, neither would my kids.

And also wanting to be at the birth because he wanted to experience it, wtf, as if you are some kind of public exhibit what a total fucking weirdo...

Both my parents in law insist our kids call their 2nd husband and 3rd wife respectively , grandad and nana. So utterly ridiculous. My own dad is grandad, so now there are four grandads in the mix. My kids don’t call them that but my mil always corrects them which is very irritating!

You are NC with this pathetic excuse for a man. Therefore your Ds will never see him so he won't be calling him anything. Next time your mother brings it up remind her of that. If you don't have contact then you should not let your children have contact, regardless of how that looks to your mother. She's made her bed, let her lie, but she does not get to dictate that her husband will have any part to play in your Ds life.

I had a similar situation with my dad and stepmum. I flatly refused for DD to call her Grandma and then Dad said that DD should also call him by his name then! Fine!!

DD had the best grandma in the world, my mum, and she died when she was 5, also I don’t call stepmum ‘mum’ so why should DD call her ‘grandma’?

It doesn’t mean that stepmum can’t be a special person to DD (although she isn’t as I find her and my Dad pretty annoying).

At least they did have the sensitivity to drop the whole nonsense after poor mum died.

Good luck, OP, stick to your guns, your mum is talking crap!

Widowed DM remarried a few years ago. We all (including my DSs) adore her new husband, but never has anyone suggested that he should be called Grandpa...he is just known by his name.

If that's what happens when relationships are good, YANBU to refuse to have your DM's husband called Grandpa.

My step-grandad has always been called Uncle, even though in all honesty he's probably earned a Grandpa or something similar.

We already have a Grandad, and even though my dad's father died when he was little, Uncle has always been happy being Uncle!

Even though it's caused some confusion sometimes ("why's your grandma sat on your uncle's knee, and why are they holding hands?")

YANBU. I wish I had the balls to do this with my S-FIL too. My DH doesn’t particularly like him but puts up with him for his DM’s sake.

We always knew there would be a huge fuss whatever happened when our DS was born. I was hoping everyone would be called granny X, grandpa Y, grandpa Z but everyone has a different bloody name and I get confused never mind DS!

Interestingly, his DM insisted on her husband being grandad X but when we asked DH’s dad’s wife what she wanted to be called (seeing as everyone else had decided for themselves!) she said “oh he can decide what he wants to call me when he’s older” which I thought was a really nice gesture! And she’d been married to FIL longer than MIL and her DH!

That said OP you’re in a much more difficult situation with your SF being rude, obnoxious and from the sounds of it very childish and a bit of an arse! The guy doesn’t have a “right” to be a grandad and, genetically speaking, he’s NOT DC’S GRANDAD! (Which is what I want to scream at my DS’s SGD 😂)

My Mum's DH is "Papa X" instead of Grandpa (which is my dad's name). I like the man, though, and he adores the DC, so I have no problem with the DC loving him.

Anyone that rude has no right to a special name or place within your family. Stand your ground and be tough with your DM; if she wants to remain married to a piece of shit that's her call, you don't have to have him in any of your lives. You have the absolute right to veto anyone's role in your DCs lives. No question, erase him from your family history.

At birth my kids had 4 grandmothers & 3 grandpas. I consulted with the grandies to decide what DC would call them. Anyway, my dad ended up as Grandpa-John. It just seemed clear that way. Could you disliked step-dad be Grandpa- ?

Just seems like a daft thing to battle over. Sounds like he might be gone in a few yrs, anyway.

I know you love your mum and so are very protective of her and understanding - but you need to know that she's an enabler. She's enabling his vile, bullying behaviour by tolerating and excusing it. It's really not OK. She wants your child to call him that because it helps her keep up the facade with him that everyone doesn't hate him and that his behaviour is ok by her. I bet she makes excuses to him for why the NC people don't contact him or see him.

You shouldn't let your child be alone with her if she's going to expose him to this man. She's clearly saying to you all that the bully is her priority.

You dont have to let her take your child out or to hers. You can see her together of at yours. To your child just keep referring to him as XXX . I have come across these issues before. The child should not see him and he should not be welcome in your house. Your mother needs to accept this is because of the way he spoke to you

Your child will choose to call people by his own special names.

Don't understand this logic at all, by the way. Kids call people what you tell them they're called.

Toogoodtobetrue is absolutely right - a step grandparent worthy of the title wouldn't force the issue and wouldn't care what they were called as long as the child and parents were happy.

For goodness sake, he's an elderly man. He must have been around the block a few times, you'd think he would know better. I'd be cautious around him and keep contact to a minimum.

YANBU, my Grandmother’s 5th and last husband was always called by his first name. There was no way he was Grandpa!

Your Step-Father sounds horrendous and your mother manipulative, maybe go super low contact for your own sanity.

YANBU. He's not your child's grandfather; your child already has a grandfather. And if you believe that biology and shared DNA isn't all it's cracked up to be, and that those things don't guarantee a free pass to abuse, I'd be the first to agree. Except in this instance it's your DM's husband who appears to be the abuser, and your DF whose behaviour is that of a real grandpa. Even more reason to stick to your guns!

Yanbu but tbh it may turn out that neither of you gets to decide, as children find their own names for people in the end.

E.g. one of my sister’s dc couldn’t say grampy wrt my dad when he was little and so the name got changed by him to something else. That name then stuck with all the kids and so my dad is now known as bampy even though they’re now all teenagers.

My eXH actually had a go at ds and said he shouldn’t call him that as it’s not a proper word but I just told ds not to pay any attention (fwiw he would have said the same if it was his own dad so it wasn’t personal to me iyswim).

So it may be that your mum will refer to grandpa and you will refer to him by name (tell me it’s Richard so you can shorten it to dick? >) and he may refer to him as something else altogether or even something in the middle i.e. grampa and the reality is that you can’t really insist he doesn’t call him that even though I agree he sounds like a hideous individual.

I had a step grandad and he was known as grampy but we’d never known my actual grandad etc and we knew him as our grampy but it’s each to their own.

he's not really your step father and you don't have to call him that. you've got your own dad. he's just your mums husband. but definitely YANBU to not want him to be grandpa. I had this issue with my mother in law, but she texted about the situation before DD and asked about what her husband would be called. it was the best way to iron things out. she was a little upset as my DD just calls him by his name. but they hadn't been together long and I don't know him very well.

Yabu to allow your dc to be around this man who is so unpleasant that you and the rest of the family don’t want to be in his company. Do you honestly think he is going to be nice to your child?

Tell her that if she doesn't like your son calling him Jim then he will call him Mr Smith. Those are her only options!

"Yabu to allow your dc to be around this man who is so unpleasant that you and the rest of the family don’t want to be in his company. "

Yup-I mean sad for your mum if she'll see less of her GS, but he needs protecting from her husband, not being subjected to him.