To insist DS doesn't call DM's husband "grandpa"?

[Rtmhwales]

Not sure if I am BU or if it's okay to insist this with my mother, who is currently raging at me.

For a bit of context: DM is on her fourth husband, currently married to step father for about 7 years. They met and married long after I had moved abroad, so I had very little interaction with him. I moved back last year to have DS, who is now 7 months old.

I cannot stand my step father. He is a vile, arrogant man. I haven't been able to stand him any time I've met him, and especially not when I moved back and had regular contact. Things reached a breaking point around Christmas when he called me, to my face, a "selfish little b%#^h" for gifting them a trip abroad, all expenses paid, that was my mother's dream destination because he had apparently wanted to give that to her for her milestone birthday next month. I don't know if he would have, we didn't discuss it as it didn't even occur to me he would plan similar. He hadn't bought tickets or anything when I gifted it to them. After that, I've gone NC with him and refuse to be around him.

My DB and SIL, as well as my grandfather and aunt, and her husband's own two DSs also refuse to have contact with him. My mother frequently says she wants to get divorced but can't because of financial reasons, and thus will be sticking it out long term.

Anyway, to cut to the heart of the issue, DM was over today showing pictures of a weekend away to myself and infant DS. I said something to the effect of, "Oh, look at Grandma and 'Husband's Name' in their silly hats". DM corrected me to "Grandma and Grandpa". I said no, that's not going to be the case, besides my DF is already his grandpa. She promptly lost it, yelling at me that I have no right to be disrespectful and DS will be calling him grandpa. I said I have the right to decide what my child calls people, she said I didn't.

So AIBU? Willing to be told I am, but considering limiting her interactions with DS to solely at my home where he won't be around her husband and no need to address him as any particular name.

On a side note, DF is also very against her husband being called grandpa, as that's his special name, and DM insisted no other variations could be used, even though if I'm being honest, I'm not that open minded to any variation of a grandfatherly endearment.

I've been there, OP. YANBU - this is about needing her family to validate this fourth husband rather than the role he will play in your child's life.

I think it's fine to confer the names grandpa, aunt, cousin etc to non biological relatives if they fulfill that role - I had aunts and uncles who were my parents friends but played that role and my son has only ever called his 'stepfather' dad. But it is a name that is 'earned' and not demanded.

Has your newest "step-dad" raised you in part then yes calling him grandpa is sweet. But he didn't and the fact is you both don't get on, no one here likely to disagree with your decision to use his name. It's not being disrespectful.

Would using Grandpa and his name work as a compromise eg your DF is grandpa, and DM's husband is Grandpa David ?

My DDs always called my step-mother by her first name, never "grandma" as that was what they called my mother. My step-mother made a grand announcement that she wanted to be called "Granny J" to distinguish herself from Grandma & Grandpa but it never caught on with the grandchildren who simply continued to call her by her first name as that was what they heard others saying. I wouldn't have minded the Granny J thing though my sister was adamant HER children would not be using it!

I would just call him by his first name.

Def not grandpa and personally I would limit DS’s access to DM to when this tosser is not around.

I have a similar relationship with my step date, I hate him but try and get along with him as to not upset my mum. I wouldn’t want my kids calling him anything other than his first name, he’s not their grandpa and never will be.

I’m a Granny in a blended family. My DD, having been brought up by DH from an early age, was keen for DH to be Grandad to her kids. So he is.

My DSS has an abusive and controlling exP. We don’t see her at all now (thank god!), but she insists that her children call me by my first name.

I’d have liked to be Granny to all our DGC, but it’s entirely up to the parents.

There was an item on Gransnet recently (might still be there) on this very topic. It warned all us step-grandparents that we have no rights in the matter. What the parents want, the parents get.

Don’t let your DM bully you! He’s NOT your children’s grandparent, and he would only be entitled to ASK to be called Grandad if he was a really positive influence in your and your children’s lives.

He fails miserably on both accounts. Refer to him by his name always, and make sure your kids do too, and aren’t pressured by your DM to call him anything else.

For the record, I’d be going NC with any family member who called me a bitch! Totally out of order.

Sit her down and give her a few home truths. Ask her :
Why so many people have no contact with him?
Why she allowed someone to call her daughter a bitch after a grand gesture?
Why if shes staying with him only for financial reasons, does she want her gs to establish such a permanent bond with him?

And after that she wouldnt probably try to bully you into anything .

It's completely ridiculous that your DC would call him grandpa even if he was a lovely man. And if he was it is likely he would be I think Brian will do.

Your child will choose to call people by his own special names.

Yanbu

My DD, having been brought up by DH from an early age, was keen for DH to be Grandad to her kids. So he is.

Here lies the difference. Grandpa etc is a term for the father of the mother or father of children. That link does not have to be biological but the point is that they have to feel like a parent to you for whatever reason. My DM is dead and if DF found anyone else my DC would address her by her name (regardless of whether I liked her as a friend or not).

Our kids do call the step grandparents Grandad and Nanny but that is because they are in a loving, familial relationship with us. However as a child even though my own grandfather had died when my Dad was young I had a Nan and Uncle X.

I agree it is entirely up to the parents of the child as to how step gps are addressed.

Sorry, your mum's fourth husband wanted to be at the birth?
Given your first post I can't believe you really thought anyone would say yabu.
The whole thing sounds somewhere between completely dysfunctional/preposterous.

YANBU at all.
He has no rights whatsoever to be called grandpa, especially as he has no relationship with you.
Your mother is ridiculous and I agree with your sense that it might be about appearances for her - that when she is out with your DS and he calls That Man by his name instead of "grandpa", her friends might look askance.
Not your problem - you keep on telling your DS that his name is X and his grandpa is your own father.

And i all honesty I would consider trying to persuade your mother to leave this horrible man, before she loses touch with the rest of her family entirely. :(

Tell her how people view her now is a LOT worse that it will be when she’s got rid of this prick.

She of all people should know that life is too short to be with people who make life harder.

Her husband has no right to any title, he is not related to any of you, and any name you gave him would be a reflection of his role/esteem in your wider family circle

At this time however Monumental Wanker might be a little tricky of a 7m old to get his gums around

Your mother wants you all to pretend happy families, and prop up the illusion that she hasn’t made a huge mistake in marrying a fourth time to this awful man.

And she’s happy to sacrifice other people’s feelings to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you into doing so... which is rather unpleasant of her.

YANBU. My SIL has DC from a previous marriage and they don't call my parents Gran and Grandad, they call them by their first names. They were older when they joined the family and they already have two sets of Grandparents!

You especially ANBU if you don't get on with him.

Nope. My DM (now NC for 3 years) pilled this crap. I barely knew the bloke! She wouldn't let it drop though I had to screen cards because she was so desperate to get one over on me (as she saw it) and would sign it from Grandad without fail. Neither of them have bothered with my eldest 2 for nearly 4 years and have never met the younger 2. Seems like my point was proven for me!

"While I refuse to see the man, DM often takes DS out and it isn't unlikely that she will take him home or bring her husband along on outings. There's not much I can do about that, really, unless I restrict it all to my place, "

I'd happily stop the outings to keep my son away from such a vile man-I can't see why you'd have any doubt at all about doing it tbh.

"Step Grandpa". She can't argue with that.

Given how horrible and nasty he was to you, I wouldn't want your DS near him...much less calling him Grandpa.

I would be telling my DM she can only see my DS in my house from now on if it happened to me.

He's a nasty man.

Your DM is the reason he spoke to you like that...because calling you a selfish bitch for doing something so nice, would have been enough to end the marriage for many people.

You are definitely not being unreasonable

I would of said to her that considering shes on husband number 4 doesn’t she think its a bit ridiculous to be calling every husband shes married grandpa.

This made me sad to read. My father went NC with me and DH because we wouldn't stand his wife's bullying, manipulative behaviour any longer. We put up with a lot for years but finally had enough. The name issue was also an issue with them. I'm so glad we stuck to not calling her nana or any of the other variations she demanded at the time especially as our children no longer see either of them. Like your DM my father is not a bad man he is just weak (can't be single ever) and in an emotionally abusive relationship. He also condoned her behaviour when she called me nasty names. I agree with PP that I wouldn't want him around my child at all based on what you've said here about him.