To insist DS doesn't call DM's husband "grandpa"?

[Rtmhwales]

Not sure if I am BU or if it's okay to insist this with my mother, who is currently raging at me.

For a bit of context: DM is on her fourth husband, currently married to step father for about 7 years. They met and married long after I had moved abroad, so I had very little interaction with him. I moved back last year to have DS, who is now 7 months old.

I cannot stand my step father. He is a vile, arrogant man. I haven't been able to stand him any time I've met him, and especially not when I moved back and had regular contact. Things reached a breaking point around Christmas when he called me, to my face, a "selfish little b%#^h" for gifting them a trip abroad, all expenses paid, that was my mother's dream destination because he had apparently wanted to give that to her for her milestone birthday next month. I don't know if he would have, we didn't discuss it as it didn't even occur to me he would plan similar. He hadn't bought tickets or anything when I gifted it to them. After that, I've gone NC with him and refuse to be around him.

My DB and SIL, as well as my grandfather and aunt, and her husband's own two DSs also refuse to have contact with him. My mother frequently says she wants to get divorced but can't because of financial reasons, and thus will be sticking it out long term.

Anyway, to cut to the heart of the issue, DM was over today showing pictures of a weekend away to myself and infant DS. I said something to the effect of, "Oh, look at Grandma and 'Husband's Name' in their silly hats". DM corrected me to "Grandma and Grandpa". I said no, that's not going to be the case, besides my DF is already his grandpa. She promptly lost it, yelling at me that I have no right to be disrespectful and DS will be calling him grandpa. I said I have the right to decide what my child calls people, she said I didn't.

So AIBU? Willing to be told I am, but considering limiting her interactions with DS to solely at my home where he won't be around her husband and no need to address him as any particular name.

On a side note, DF is also very against her husband being called grandpa, as that's his special name, and DM insisted no other variations could be used, even though if I'm being honest, I'm not that open minded to any variation of a grandfatherly endearment.

Tell her that if she doesn't like your son calling him Jim then he will call him Mr Smith. Those are her only options!

^^ that's exactly the position I'd take

You are not being at all unreasonable. What a dreadful man. The only titles he appears to deserve are ones like "Twat", "Wanker" or "Arsehole", but those are obviously inappropriate for small children.

Stick to your guns here. You might well regret it if you don't.

Also, anyone who referred to me openly as a bitch would never have got unsupervised access to my children when they were very young. I'd be tempted to say that your mother can see DS at your place or when out and about, but only without Wanker being present.

I can't believe he even wanted to be at your DS's birth!!! The nerve of him!!! Utterly inappropriate of him to even think about it.

I think maybe she's worried DS will refer to them as Grandma and XYZ in public when he's older and that will hint at the strained relationship to strangers/her friends?
So basically she wants to use your dc to play the charade of 'happy family' so she doesn't have to take responsibility for her own marriage and happiness?

He's not your dc grandad through blood or personal relationship and they don't get to call any shots.
Your dm has faced the exact same issues each time she divorced so she can do it once more - it isn't your or your dc job to take responsibility for her feelings.

Each grandparent in my family have different names. In addition, we have additional names for honorary grandparents or second marriage partner's. This is usually Nanna sue or papa Si or suchlike.
My df tried to insist on a certain name and we refused and called him what I called my mother's father and the kids picked it up fast enough. He doesnt comment on it now.

Thank you, everyone! I'm surprised to see so many have been in this exact situation before, but I suppose I shouldn't be with as many blended families as we have now.

I felt like I was being reasonable, but her reaction and insistence made me question it as she's generally a smart, thoughtful woman (even if she refuses to engage in any sort of conflict), enough so that it made me question if I was wrong or violating some social norm I didn't know about. DF never remarried so it hadn't come up.

Thanks again! I'll stick to my guns and insist he's called by his name (or even his surname, that suggestion made me laugh as it is perfectly respectable to meet her demands that I be respectful).