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AIBU?

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Original poster

Disappointed with DH - AGAIN

109 replies

justilou1 · 31/01/2019 21:44

We are seeing a marriage counsellor. He was put on notice before Christmas about his total lack of input into the relationship side of our marriage. He kept nagging me to tell him what I wanted for Christmas, so I told him something romantic, that expressed how he felt about me as a wife, as a person, as his partner, etc - something "generous" - he is notoriously cheap - and equivalent to the sort of things he is happy to receive and expect as a gift. (He has had a Sonos sound system, a stainless steel Apple Watch, a new Jeep amongst other things, for example.). He gave me two ugly teacups and some tea (I don't often drink tea) and wondered why I was underwhelmed. I told him this wasn't good enough for once and left it on the floor where it was. He was unable to return it, and hasn't replaced it. I'm just not on his agenda, am I?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2019 21:46

No Sad

Have you brought this up in your sessions?

ChakiraChakra · 31/01/2019 21:49

Is he any better at a different love language? (Google love languages)

clutches at straws

TheBigBangRocks · 31/01/2019 21:58

I wouldn't be replacing a gift not deemed good enough either.

You obviously have many other issues but gift giving doesn't feature high up on many people's agenda. Spending money is not a sign of love.

macmacaroon · 31/01/2019 22:08

Re gifts in future I would suggest being more specific eg write a list of three things you want him to to buy you and let him choose out of those three. Saying 'something romantic' is vague. It's really hard thinking of things to buy for DPs and I always ask DH to tell me what he'd like and get what he's asked for plus a few bits and bobs on top. But it's not really about the gift is it. You invited him to show his love for you and he didn't do it. He missed the hint.I would feel hurt in your shoes too. Have you tried asking him directly how he feels about you rather than doing it indirectly? Maybe discuss this with the counsellor.

SandyY2K · 31/01/2019 22:10

He considers 2 teacups and some tea romantic? He thinks that describes you as a wife and his partner?

He could just be crap at buying gifts...in which case tell him exactly what you want... but I wouldn't be impressed with teacups from my DH.

Our first Christmas as a married couple, he bought me a household appliance.

I told him to return it and never to buy me a household item as a gift again. That was 20 years ago.

Ellie56 · 31/01/2019 22:11

He kept nagging me to tell him what I wanted for Christmas, so I told him something romantic, that expressed how he felt about me as a wife, as a person, as his partner, etc - something "generous"

This concept was obviously too difficult for him to process. A lot of men are like this.You should have told him exactly what you wanted, whether it be perfume, designer shoes, jewellery, whatever, and if necessary told him where to buy it too.

Then you might not have been disappointed.

Italianna · 31/01/2019 22:12

A Jeep? As in a car? And he got you tea, that you don't often drink?

I suspect they are mere symptoms.

What do you want from this relationship @justilou1 ?

RedDogsBeg · 31/01/2019 22:18

This concept was obviously too difficult for him to process. A lot of men are like this.You should have told him exactly what you wanted, whether it be perfume, designer shoes, jewellery, whatever, and if necessary told him where to buy it too.

Why is it whenever any of these threads are posted someone comes out with this pile of claptrap?

topcat2014 · 31/01/2019 22:22

I hate the concept of gifts, and cannot choose anything. (am not tight, just hate the stress) - so, if that was how my marraige was to be judged I would be divorced decade(s) ago.

I spend money on things we need, (or like doing).

Variousartists · 31/01/2019 22:24

What, you bought him a brand new car?

RedDogsBeg · 31/01/2019 22:25

To answer your question justilou1, no, you are not on his agenda, he cares little about you and respects you even less.

ClarabellaCTL · 31/01/2019 22:25

This concept was obviously too difficult for him to process. A lot of men are like this.You should have told him exactly what you wanted, whether it be perfume, designer shoes, jewellery, whatever, and if necessary told him where to buy it too.

Nonsense! My DH isn't particularly (at all!) romantic but he tries his very best to get me gifts that are thoughtful and mean something. He's bought me some lovely things. A photo shoot with our kids. He got a ring of my Mum's turned into earrings and a pendant for me.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 31/01/2019 22:28

The gift is a red herring. In this case it's like a manifestation of his entire attitude, and you desperately wanted him to do something concrete to show you he's trying... and he failed. If he doesn't understand that, and doesn't want to fix it, then maybe it's time for more counselling or a break.

Smallhorse · 31/01/2019 22:30

What topcat said.

I will buy something for unloved ones any time i see something they would like. But I hate feeling obliged to pick out an acceptably decent gift at, say, Christmas
And the “ you’d better make my `Christmas present a decent one “ way of running a relationship would have me running in the opposite direction

Smallhorse · 31/01/2019 22:31

That should have said my loved ones !

FixTheBone · 31/01/2019 22:34

You can't win.

I asked for a teacup and pot for Christmas and received one even better than I was hoping for. Plus some cheese.

Original poster
justilou1 · 31/01/2019 22:36

It was part of a conversation where he was told that I wasn’t the only one who thought he was cheap. (His own friends had told him this as well, in a jokey way - but have pointed out that if he doesn’t pull his head out of his arse, he’s losing me.) And I haven’t bought him things to desperately hang onto him. They are things he/we have needed. We have never actually owned a sound system. We were finally in a position to buy a good one (due to my inheritance), and that’s what HE wanted. (Frankly, I could live the rest of my life without one of the dusty bastard things.)

OP posts:
AWishForWingsThatWork · 31/01/2019 22:44

He has had a Sonos sound system, a stainless steel Apple Watch, a new Jeep amongst other things, for example.

So you get him expensive, nice things that he wants, and you get a tin of tea you don't drink with a couple of mugs.

What's the point of marital counselling. He doesn't give a shit about you.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 31/01/2019 22:44

Stop wasting your inheritance on him ...

tillytrotter1 · 31/01/2019 22:45

In November I brought home a new box of my favourite everyday perfume, it'd been on offer somewhere and I showed it to him and put it on my chest of drawers. Come Christmas I got....another box of the perfume, 'You'd mentioned it was on offer!'. It's now piled up on top of the other box!
One year I indicated a book in Waterstones, 'Whatever you're buying me, I don't want that', come 25th December, there is was, 'Oh I remembered you mentioning it'.
He's useless at presents, we now have a secret santa for the family adults and he even can't manage that!

Baconmaker · 31/01/2019 22:47

I don't care much about gifts but you specifically told him it was important to you and you wanted something thoughtful and generous and he still didn't even try. I'd be massively pissed off. Does he ever go out of his way for you?

ItsMEhooray · 31/01/2019 22:47

'This concept was obviously too difficult for him to process. A lot of men are like this.You should have told him exactly what you wanted, whether it be perfume, designer shoes, jewellery, whatever, and if necessary told him where to buy it too.'

Bet he'd manage to buy something romantic if he had an OW at Christmas.

Winterberriesonatree · 31/01/2019 22:50

After 36 years of being married, I tell my DH not to bother buying me any sort of expensive Xmas or birthday presents. He always buys rubbish as he has no patience to shop and has little imagination. I would rather have free rein to buy some clothes using our joint account, so I have something new to wear for holidays etc..

Most of the gifts that he requests are for his hobby and often quite expensive. Once he gets these, he has no room to quibble about any clothes I might buy as I have no expensive tastes. On holidays we have bought jewellery that I liked over the years and perhaps I would have said "that is my Birthday present taken care of" to let him off the hook.

LemonTT · 31/01/2019 22:51

My DP and I share a lot of romantic sentiment over tea and teapots. But it is easier if I pick gesture presents as he thinks one pair of earrings is enough for any woman.

My view on presents is that some people are brilliant at getting sentimental and meaningful presents, some people do big gesture presents excellently and some people just crumple into a heap at the thought of buying a present. And people just get the present that represents what they want not the recipient.

If all else is well then this doesn't matter but if there are other issues, then counselling is needed.

Ethel80 · 31/01/2019 22:51

You've set someone a vague task with huge expectations and wonder why he disappointed you.

If he's shit at presents usually then give him a list. Pick some things you want, be specific and let him choose from the list.

You either want him to surprise you or you don't.
There are loads of reasons to bin off a crap husband but a tea cup isn't one of them.