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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Disappointed with DH - AGAIN

109 replies

justilou1 · 31/01/2019 21:44

We are seeing a marriage counsellor. He was put on notice before Christmas about his total lack of input into the relationship side of our marriage. He kept nagging me to tell him what I wanted for Christmas, so I told him something romantic, that expressed how he felt about me as a wife, as a person, as his partner, etc - something "generous" - he is notoriously cheap - and equivalent to the sort of things he is happy to receive and expect as a gift. (He has had a Sonos sound system, a stainless steel Apple Watch, a new Jeep amongst other things, for example.). He gave me two ugly teacups and some tea (I don't often drink tea) and wondered why I was underwhelmed. I told him this wasn't good enough for once and left it on the floor where it was. He was unable to return it, and hasn't replaced it. I'm just not on his agenda, am I?

OP posts:

Rachelle3211 · 31/01/2019 23:22

I give dh a list. Your post comes across as rather controlling and I can't tell if you are overly demanding or there is a bigger backstory. I think it sounds like your marriage is over though. You put your husband on notice... It doesn't sound like a big romantic gift would have really made a difference anyways

FortunesFave · 31/01/2019 23:26

My DH is crap with presents. Now I tell him to go to a particular jeweller whose work I love...and choose anything from there.

That way I get a surprise but we're both confident I will like it. He once bought me a cheese board and a VEGETABLE STEAMER for Christmas. Years ago now but I don't let him forget it!

MaintainTheMolehill · 31/01/2019 23:26

Does he like tea? I'm clutching at straws but perhaps he thought it was romantic to have tea together hence the two mugs?
Without knowing him it's hard to know if he's an arse or just bad at gifts.

user1473878824 · 31/01/2019 23:27

God everyone is being so mean. It’s clear OP means he was completely thoughtless, which he was.

MaintainTheMolehill · 31/01/2019 23:30

Also if he "begged you" to tell him what you would like, surely that means he cares. It's not his fault you buy him expensive gifts, some people just pick what they (in this case mistakenly) think the other person will like.

Porridgeoat · 31/01/2019 23:34

He’s clearly not good at gifts, so maybe that’s not his way of expressing love. Where as you place huge value on gifts. It would be kind to at least give him specific gift ideas.

Shodan · 31/01/2019 23:34

See, to me, that was just him saying "I don't want to have to put any effort in. I want you to make all the effort. I don't want to have to think about you."

PinaColada1 · 31/01/2019 23:35

Honestly I think this isn’t a huge issue relationship wise.

My DP has absolutely no idea. I give him a list. Sorted. Except when he still doesn’t...

I guess I’m saying if this is a big problem, then you don’t have a problem with your relationship, it sounds fine.

Porridgeoat · 31/01/2019 23:35

I think you set him up to fail.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/01/2019 23:39

Ok he is shit at buying gifts. Why did you put him on notice? A good relationship is not based on gifts or money spent. What is he like as a partner? Does he do his share of the housework. Is he kind, does he want to spend time with you, do you enjoy his company?

BigBumandMumTum · 31/01/2019 23:49

A few years ago I to,d my husband I needed him to show me how he felt about me for Valentine's Day after he forgot to get me anything for Christmas and my birthday.

For Valentine's Day he got me.....nothing. And spent the money he told me he had put aside for my gift on something for his car.

It was the straw that broke the camels back and I kicked him out

ReanimatedSGB · 31/01/2019 23:50

It's possible that he can't be arsed at all but it's also possible that the marriage counselling came about because he is worn out with OP making constant, impossible demands (more gifts! Be 'romantic' Why can't you earn more money?) There's not enough information as to whether the OP's views of 'romantic'; behaviour are feasible, for one thing. A partner who is kind, honest, supportive, practical etc might get very tired of living with someone who is constantly whining for ridiculous things that hardly anyone really does or cares about other than twats on Instagram.

showmeshoyu · 31/01/2019 23:52

I don't get it... he asks you a LOT to the point of nagging what you want and you reply with vague concepts and get upset when he hasn't read your mind. He went to the trouble to ask you repeatedly, you refused to answer in anything other than riddles, then you got upset.

showmeshoyu · 31/01/2019 23:56

He didn’t try it’s not hard to fake a thoughtful gift

Actually, it is. You second guess yourself, get anxious, see something "easy" that they might like but it's too obvious. I get such terrible gift anxiety that I sometimes end up not buying anything.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 31/01/2019 23:58

Sorry OP I agree with PP, deliberately or not you set him up to fail. I understand it’s disappointing that he failed quite so spectacularly though.

It’s contempt that is the death of a relationship rather than indifference. Unfortunately I suspect that’s what you feel for him.

HowardSpring · 01/02/2019 00:04

He should be with someone who loves him for who he is not how he performs. The relationship seems to be over and it would be better for both of you if you finished it. Making him jump through hoops and setting little tests when you expect him to score zero out of ten is humiliating for you both.

You would both be happier elsewhere.

Original poster

justilou1 · 01/02/2019 00:07

Oh, and the car was because we moved back to Australia from overseas, and he drives long distance for work, etc.... but the issue is that he is happy to accept but not happy to give, isn’t it?

OP posts:

Original poster

justilou1 · 01/02/2019 00:08

It is a small part of the wider issue.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 01/02/2019 00:26

Well buying a car for the household isn’t really a romantic or meaningful gift. It’s a necessity but you could have bought cheaper. Are you resenting putting “your” money into the family pot? If so, don’t but I agree your demand and ultimatum was equally stupid and thoughtless as the outcome.

Just remember you are both part of the wider issue. Maybe focus on yourself in that respect not just or even him.

Livingoncake · 01/02/2019 00:39

I don’t think any of us can judge whether or not you’re on his radar based on one shit present - which I suspect he grabbed in desperation because he knew that nothing nothing would be good enough for the woman who had given him an ultimatum and set him an impossible test. Honestly, I don’t understand people who play emotional games with their partners over gifts. Why is it unromantic for you to tell them what you want and have them get it for you? It shows that they want you to have something you can enjoy. Yes, you lose the surprise element, but you’re dealing with a real man here, not some fictional romantic hero.

Anyway. One shit present doesn’t cut it. You’re obviously completely fed up with him anyway. Why is that? What is going wrong in the overall relationship?

Gth1234 · 01/02/2019 00:44

I don't think it's hard to spend money on gifts. What's hard is getting nice gifts for not much money.

Butterymuffin · 01/02/2019 00:46

This concept was obviously too difficult for him to process. A lot of men are likethis.

And yet we still have the gender pay gap. Amazing, isn't it?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/02/2019 00:52

Shodan has said much of what I wanted to say - yes, it's not about the gift per se, it's about the fact that the OP asked her husband to show some effort in getting her a gift this year as a sign of how much she meant to him because they are facing splitting up.
If I was on the receiving end of that message, if I didn't want to split up, I would have asked friends and family (if I couldn't work it out for myself) to help with ideas - the fact that he hasn't, and has presented you with a gift that has little bearing on your life and that was really cheap, suggests that he really is NOT bothered about saving your marriage, and for that I'm sorry.

I hope you are not stuck in Australia? It says you "moved back" so I'm assuming Aus is your actual home - I hope you have friends and family who can support you if you do decide to split.

And I second the posters telling you to stop spending your inheritance because you'll need it - except that you'll probably lose half of it anyway as a marital asset, although I'm not sure if it works like that in Aus. Go and see a solicitor if you haven't already done so, just to see what is likely to be the outcome if you do decide you've had enough - or indeed, if he walks away, as it sounds as though he's already checked out :(

StoppinBy · 01/02/2019 00:55

I understand why you are disappointed, you asked him to take an interest in what is special to you and buy you something that showed he had done just that and............ he gave you a tea pot and some tea when you don't even care for either of those things. I would be really upset too.

I don't for one second think that he couldn't step up to the plate if he wanted to, saying that people are no good at gift buying is simply letting the get away with it, bet your bottom dollar that if he actually really cared he would have done better, probably not perfect but it would have been apparent that he put thought in to the gift.

We don't spend a lot on gifts and I would rather get a $10 gift that reflected my interests than a $300 gift that said he had not even thought about what I might like from my DH at xmas/birthdays.

WinterCoat · 01/02/2019 01:05

What are the wider issues OP?

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