Disappointed with DH - AGAIN

[justilou1]

We are seeing a marriage counsellor. He was put on notice before Christmas about his total lack of input into the relationship side of our marriage. He kept nagging me to tell him what I wanted for Christmas, so I told him something romantic, that expressed how he felt about me as a wife, as a person, as his partner, etc - something "generous" - he is notoriously cheap - and equivalent to the sort of things he is happy to receive and expect as a gift. (He has had a Sonos sound system, a stainless steel Apple Watch, a new Jeep amongst other things, for example.). He gave me two ugly teacups and some tea (I don't often drink tea) and wondered why I was underwhelmed. I told him this wasn't good enough for once and left it on the floor where it was. He was unable to return it, and hasn't replaced it. I'm just not on his agenda, am I?

It's funny that people think I want the Instragram life. I'm so far removed from that, it's hilarious. In fact, I find it nauseating. I'm actually looking for some kind of sign that my husband finds me valuable/recognisable as a human. Even knows who I am. I'm even wondering if it's worth pulling the plug completely and disappearing. I'm saying that after being dragged around the world, from pillar to post, supporting him, helping him make his career, dissolving myself, and starting again and again and again, I'm fucking tired. He knows this. I have supported him through his big disappointment and his massive depression. I have dealt with his ego. His MASSIVE fucking ego. I have done ALL of the child-rearing and domestic shit because we have lived overseas where working was not an option, and I have made his life MUCH easier than ALL of his colleagues similar situations because of my attitude. All of this, while my parents in Australia had long, protracted illnesses, and I had to drag the kids across the world to nurse the parents through their deaths without him as well. I have been through a lot while he did the glamorous, fun work stuff. Now, because of his work, I am living in a town I don't like, with a lot of really bad memories for me. I am stuck here for at least six years while the kids finish high school. I am making the best of it by studying something to further my own career, etc.... He is the one who says he supports me and wants me to do more with my life, and yet when asked what exactly he does for our relationship, says things like, "I come home and put on a load of laundry sometimes." (When questioned about what that had to do with our relationship, he said that it freed me up to do "other tasks" - I'm Rosie the fucking Robot to him.).

OK, now we know more than just “He gave me a bad present.” Right. You do seem very unhappy. Can you tell us anything about your counselling sessions?

I remember your other thread - I really think it's time to call it a day. This is no life for you

He may well be shit at gift-giving. So what? The one thing he knew for sure- told by his dw, therapist & his mates- was not to be cheap. That means ‘spend some damn significant money’. Even a 3yo knows the difference between cheap and fancy.

The tea set, even a fancy one (which it doesn’t sound like it was) was not a significant amount. My rule of thumb is that a good gift has 2 out of 3 things going for it. The 3 things are Effort, Imagination & Expense. Any 2 of those. A GREAT gift has all 3

This guy’s present had none, and the added sting of being something she had no practical use for.

And no one told him he had to guess, he could easily have asked for advice or tips from his mates, her family, google search, etc.

So it shows no brains, as well as no love (and no taste). Now that’s 3 things that equals deal-breaker for me...

i never like a marriage break up.but op why are you stying with him.you sound totally unhappy.and not just now but for some time.
and the reaction to the gift was only a culmination from the pile of of your previous problems.
what next?becasue you will just get more unhappy and that will come across in all form as the bitterness and sadness continues.and resentment and unhappiness is a bad combination for any kind of life.
my dad is schocking at gift.he Is the type who thinks a pillow case mu msaid was nice would be her ideal gift.but the difference is you can really tell when he is putting in the effort.

But even without the backstory I think the OP's husbands lack of effort with gift giving is shocking. My dad was like that... never treated my mum, she have up everything for him and raised us almost single handedly while he worked... He would moan if we asked to go to dinner for her birthday and then would "treat" her to McDonald's after much complaining. It's just not good enough and while it's true some people are shit at gift giving, at least they put some thought into it. But the thing is people can change: my dad treats my mum all the time now after plenty of nagging and anger from us children once we reached adulthood at how little he showed his appreciation to our amazing mum. His gifts might not be expensive or fancy but shows he cares (meals out, random flowers etc... very textbook romantic but for someone like my mum who wasn't used to being treated she's happy enough). However, is OP willing to wait this long on the chance he might change? Does she still love him enough for that?

How hard would it have been for him to take her out on a fancy date? Organise the babysitters, take her shopping so she can choose an outfit, book her at the salon for a manicure then whisk her away for afternoon tea/ to a spa... whatever doesn't matter really. It's really not difficult to show someone you care through a gift. I think his gift shows complete contempt for OP and OP's update shows that he does this in most aspects of their life.

Sorry to say I'm not sure what OP gets out of this relationship. OP - could you stop providing practical support to him for a while and just focus on the children to try rebalance the domestic life?

Ok, that was some drip feed.

You do indeed sound very unhappy and angry, and this isn't about how good at present buying he is. As someone who has lived abroad due to my work, with my family, I don't really understand what led to to the choice to go and for you to become a stay at home mum against your will. It was something my husband my daughter and I discussed and agreed together and we woildnt have went,if they had not wished to.

I also don't really understand why you bought him a car a sound system and an Apple Watch as gifts from your inheritance, these seem very generous gifts indeed.

You clearly deeply resent him for everything, and studying seems a good option as a way forward,. Can you get some work just now? A job, just to get your hand back in? You don't need to do all the domestic stuff and only that.

One of my friends has the life you described. We used to work together pre-children. She met someone whose career took him overr the world. She's had three children and always says how lucky she has been to be able to raise her kids without the stress of having to go back to work, in fantastic places.

It's all relative. What challenge did your OH set you and did you succeed?

... Something for £250...

Eh?? We spend about £30 on each other. It's not about the money, OP.

Butterymuffin
and yet we still have the gender pay gap

No we don't, hun.

Actually OP, I can see exactly why you focused on the issue of the present. It was phenomenally, breathtakingly crap. It’s actually hard to believe anyone could get it so wrong. You don’t really like tea. Who the hell lives with someone for years, has children with them and doesn’t bother to notice what they drink. A decent partner knows if you like tea/coffee and how you like it because they make you a drink, often.
That gift says either

1. Despite spending years with you, I have not noticed or retained even the most insignificant detail about you

Or

1. I resent you and I resent being ‘put on notice’ and I will not comply even though you have told me what this means to you.

Not only is there no evidence of love or respect; it’s worse than that, he either doesn’t see you or doesn’t like you both. If he will not acknowledge how that gift made you feel then he is not willing to take responsibility for his part in improving the marriage and you cannot work on it alone.

There are obviously wider issues at play here, which clearly need sorting, However, to address the gifting problem DH & I (for birthdays & Xmas) write each other a specific list of about 10 items to choose from and we will buy each other from that list.

Not hugely romantic granted, but it works. We get the stress taken out of gift buying, we both get gifts we actually want/need/will use.

The gifts are a red herring.
You’re a trailing spouse and he’s earning lots of money, by the sounds of it - whilst you’re not. So even if you spent your inheritance on a Sonos sound system, in the wider context of who is bringing the money into the relationship, it sounds like that wasn’t a big deal.
And a sound system is really something for the house.

Personally I’d see an Apple Watch as the equivalent of tea cups! It’s just a go-to present for someone you don’t care about and don’t know what else to get. OK, maybe not every time - sometimes your husband might just after it, unable to afford it, and you save all year and blow him away with it. But mostly - it’s just the next must-have consumerist flashy crap that society has labelled “Good Gift”. I once bought by husband an iPad. He liked it, but the thought behind it was “oh shit, we’re stuck in this gift giving trap and I don’t like you what the fuck do I get? £400 - fycking hell. That’ll do”. We’re divorced. My second husband and I don’t do gifts. We both feel loved. So yeah - your gift to him? A bit shit.

As for the Jeep... family money buying a family car. Doesn’t sound like a gift bought with love.

I hear you on the later post about traing spouse, lack of appreciation... fix that in counselling or leave him.

But don’t make the mistake of thinking that your gifts are any better than his!

In fact, my “instruction” to him at Xmas would have been “I don’t want a gift, I don’t want money thrown at things* I want you to show that you love and appreciate me in a way that can’t just buy.”

*I think it’s pretty sad that you told him to be generous. You are just feeding into the same idea that he does - that money makes it OK.

Sounds like your problems are caused largely because he’s the big earner and you’re not. You have to do all the unappreciated child rearing because he’s the money man.

Your answer? Tell him to spend money on you.

So all you did there was reinforce the idea that you can be treated like shit, and then bought off.

Personally, if I could have stayed at home to raise my kids and not have to worry about money thanks to my husband's income, that would have been the best present ever.

The sense of entitlement of women on this site is unbelievable.

Personally, if I could have stayed at home to raise my kids and not have to worry about money thanks to my husband's income, that would have been the best present ever.

That’s a weird thing to say, how do you know that? You’d honestly be happy to take on 100% of the household stuff as the OP has, be completely taken for granted, give up your own career and interests for his and then be delighted that he can’t summon the energy to give a shit about you?

Sounds like your problems are caused largely because he’s the big earner and you’re not. You have to do all the unappreciated child rearing because he’s the money man.

Your answer? Tell him to spend money on you.

So all you did there was reinforce the idea that you can be treated like shit, and then bought off.

I do agree with this though. Of all the troubles in your last post, the poor effort gift giving is the least of them.

The poor present giving was symbolic ffs. If she felt adored and valued and seen and heard and appreciated then the teacups would have been nothing important. The present he chose had a huge symbolic meaning and he should have known it as she has made that clear to him. He crapped on the floor in Last Chance Saloon metaphorically

Leave him OP. It's the only option that gives you a chance at joy.

Maybe you need to look for someone who's more on your wavelength about money, spending, gifts and lifestyle. I'm definitely in his club and would find it very awkward indeed to get so many gifts. The tea pots sound nice to me. As my grandad used to say "there's nae pockets in a shroud"!

OP you are clearly unhappy if not depressed with your life. I suggest seeing a doctor about this. But at the end of the day your husband cannot be the source of your self worth or happiness.

Like many people you have regrets about how you lived your life and the choices you made. I expect that somewhere between the statement you were dragged after him and the idea that you willingly followed lies a complex set of decisions and choices. These will have involved emotions and attachments which at the time meant something even if they don’t now. I assume all this falls well below coercive control into the shitty problem of being with someone who knows you will put up or compromise rather than break a family apart. But this mattered to you at the time.

I mean this kindly but they were your choices. What you do now is your choice and like others have said rolling a weighted dice on what Christmas present you got, isn’t the way to make it.

Splitting up, at anytime, is an option. Explore what you want to do and why. But stop putting your future and your happiness into his control.

Why are people trying to say the apple watch is a bad gift? Maybe that's what he wanted? Same with the sound system? If I could afford it I would buy my partner the PlayStation vr or a Nintendo switch. Those are just must have consumerist flashy nonsense right? And yet he'd love them, but then I know him and you lot don't. Maybe ops husband loves apple (god knows why) and said he'd like a watch one day, so she got him it. That's called listening to your partner. Should I not buy my partner what he wants just because its a 'must-have'? Some people have very strange expectations when it comes to presents.

OP you don't sound happy at all and this is the straw that broke the camels back basically, and I don't blame you. He is showing no appreciation for you at all, and can't even be bothered to remember what you like. If you can, divorce him.

Did I say he was a big earner? He wasn’t. He had a good job that he loved that built his reputation and his career. Yes I lived overseas, but in a shitty place, with shitty neighbours where I frequently felt unsafe. Did we earn enough where I was traveling the world and living the big life? HELL NO! We were barely making ends meet. Sometimes we didn’t. His pay was shit. I couldn’t work there.

Do you like being married to him?

Then why did you let it build up all this time? You clearly resent him massively. What kept you with him all this time?

Was counselling based on being considerate to each other? Already asked but what was your part in it?

Ultimately, counselling can help but won't save a relationship where there is little left to save.

Op, why did you agree to go? To live in a shitty place and be barely able to make ends meet, to put you all through that? Why didn't you both agree to stay here, for you both to work, because living abroad in a shit hole skint is not the way forward.

Ultimately I don't think you can blame your husband fully fornall your life choices, you were not a bystander, you were part of the decision making process.

Either way it doesn't change the fact you are unhappy, you do blame him, and you do resent the way your life has turned out.

I don't know what the answer is other than to get a job and separate, because I don't think your feelings will improve and your not willing to accept any responsibility for the decisions made.