Disappointed with DH - AGAIN

[justilou1]

We are seeing a marriage counsellor. He was put on notice before Christmas about his total lack of input into the relationship side of our marriage. He kept nagging me to tell him what I wanted for Christmas, so I told him something romantic, that expressed how he felt about me as a wife, as a person, as his partner, etc - something "generous" - he is notoriously cheap - and equivalent to the sort of things he is happy to receive and expect as a gift. (He has had a Sonos sound system, a stainless steel Apple Watch, a new Jeep amongst other things, for example.). He gave me two ugly teacups and some tea (I don't often drink tea) and wondered why I was underwhelmed. I told him this wasn't good enough for once and left it on the floor where it was. He was unable to return it, and hasn't replaced it. I'm just not on his agenda, am I?

I agree with Bluntness (never thought I'd write that ) - its clear you need to throw in the towel just like I have. I can't leave at the moment but I am making my plans trying to sort out finances etc have seen a solicitor. I was thinking only yesterday how happy we could have been, of course its a loss like any other - sad and painful, but you know what they say - nothing changes unless everything changes.

So what's your next move OP?

Oi 🤣

He's an academic, isn't he. Shitty pay, international locales, fixed term contracts. Big disappointment = didn't get tenure somewhere?

He sounds awful.

Stop spending your inheritance on him. You don't have to give him it in a split, so save it for yourself just in case. After that many years of being together, I can't believe he gave you fucking teacups. What the actual fuck?

If someone gave me that gift ultimatum, I'd know I had no chance of succeeding, and be visiting a divorce lawyer the next working day.

On threads like these there're always several people who seem to think anyone can buy a decent gift, if they really try. Well, if I were charged with spending any amount of money between ten and ten thousand pounds, on something to delight myself, I absolutely couldn't do it. So what fucking chance have I got of doing it for anyone else? (The only such gifts I can ever remember buying have been for a small child, it's a bit easier to buy for somone who doesn't have any money. An adult who isn't destitute is likely to already have anything they really want.)

If I were buying for an adult something they couldn't afford, I wouldn't choose a car, phone, sound system or jewellery for them, because I'd assume they might want to choose the exact version of each type of item they prefer. Doing the choosing for them would be stupid.

(Actually, jewellery is a bit different from the others, as there aren't a vast list of of technical features to potentially get wrong, there's only cost and taste to be right about. )

He’s a twat OP. Get rid.

My XH was just the same. If I didn’t ask for it, then go and buy it myself I got nowt. If I asked him to surprise me I got nowt, excuses being either, a, ‘they’d sold out of what I wanted to get you,’ which was odd because it never appeared when presumably they’d get it back in stock at some point, or b, ‘I couldn’t find anything you’d like.’ One year it was c, ’they didn’t go up to your size.’ The item in question being a football top, apparently, and my size was 12 at the time. He’s just the same with DS. Since we left he’s given DS a total of 0 birthday presents and 0 christmas presents, and he’s had 6 of each to come up with the goods.

It’s not the presents though, it’s just the complete lack of caring. I care about DP and DS, I cared about him, so I like to make them happy. I like the feeling of making DS and DP happy. It’s a sad person who wouldn’t enjoy doing that.

I think that counselling for yourself might help you more than relationship counselling.
Because, unless there's another massive drip feed coming (eg you were raised in a culture where marriages were arranged and/or you were pressured into marrying anyone rather than being a spinster) you appear to have chosen to marry this man and follow him round the world as his servant. I think it's likely that you find martyrdom rewarding in some way and this could be why you attempted to 'solve' the marriage problems by setting your H a test you knew he would fail.
(TBH, 'Buy me a special present which shows me how much you care' is a stupid and impossible challenge to set anyone, but quadruply so if you set it for someone who isn't very good at gift buying and doesn't much enjoy it. You're basically asking the person to read your mind.)

Wow some of you really lack compassion and understanding.
The life of a trailing spouse is not all fun and games, and, where children are involved, it's not that easy to just refuse to go too!

The Op has done her best to keep her family together while her husband goes where he likes, does what he likes and now she's being blamed for staying with him - how else where the children supposed to see their father?

However, now that the trailing spouse aspect appears to be not such an issue, I do think, justilou, that it might be time to give it up as a bad job and leave the twat. Also your children are older now so not only will they be able to travel independently to see him but they're not going to be so bothered about seeing him all the time, I would think.