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Original poster

Disappointed with DH - AGAIN

109 replies

justilou1 · 31/01/2019 21:44

We are seeing a marriage counsellor. He was put on notice before Christmas about his total lack of input into the relationship side of our marriage. He kept nagging me to tell him what I wanted for Christmas, so I told him something romantic, that expressed how he felt about me as a wife, as a person, as his partner, etc - something "generous" - he is notoriously cheap - and equivalent to the sort of things he is happy to receive and expect as a gift. (He has had a Sonos sound system, a stainless steel Apple Watch, a new Jeep amongst other things, for example.). He gave me two ugly teacups and some tea (I don't often drink tea) and wondered why I was underwhelmed. I told him this wasn't good enough for once and left it on the floor where it was. He was unable to return it, and hasn't replaced it. I'm just not on his agenda, am I?

OP posts:
pantyclaws · 31/01/2019 22:52

I get the impression there is a lot more to this than gifts but playing devil's advocate, the presents you got him sound expensive but not exactly meaningful or romantic.

I suppose if he was desperate for an Apple watch but would never have bought himself one that's a little bit different, but I can't imagine any of those presents taking a huge amount of thought.

Why don't you set a budget for presents, that might help on this specific issue?

Winterberriesonatree · 31/01/2019 22:52

The odd bottle of Baileys Irish Cream is the exception, as he can't wrong there.

Yabbers · 31/01/2019 22:52

that expressed how he felt about me as a wife, as a person, as his partner, etc - something "generous”

I’ve been with DH for 19 years, we’ve no problems in our relationship. This would be mission impossible for both of us, which is why we’d never set each other such a ridiculous challenge.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 31/01/2019 22:52

Christ stop spending your inheritance money on him and just start divorce proceedings already so you can ring fence what remains of the inheritance get your share of marital assets and start again. This man is on notice and gives you two teacups and tea....Angry

WTAF?
Even if clueless how hard is it to go into a department store and say “help I need an expensive romantic present”

PenelopeChipShop · 31/01/2019 22:55

I once read something that completely encapsulated for me that my marriage was over and there was nothing I could do about it: the opposite of love isn’t hate, if’s indifference. If you feel he is indifferent to you, then I’m sorry, but there’s no hope.

For me, I could overlook a crap gift - I couldn’t ignore the fact that I could be ill, prone in bed, and he wouldn’t help me or look after our children, even in that scenario. Or that I woud specifically ask him to come home before about 8 as I wanted some company, and he didn’t, because ‘he met someone interesting to talk to and didn’t feel like leaving’.

DishingOutDone · 31/01/2019 22:56

My STBXH (I hope and pray) uses gifts as a control. So every year Christmas and birthdays he would buy me nasty Argos type jewellery which we couldn't afford, say our budget was £10 for a gift for me, he'd spend £50 on this crap - then he'd say I bought you a lovely present and you don't appreciate it. Every time. Then say we had £5 that he could take the kids out with when they were small, they show him a hair clip or something that they thought I'd like and he'd have a go at them and make them buy a box of chocolates that they were disappointed with. All their childhood. My eldest is only now old enough to have her own money and buy me something and this year she rushed out and got me exactly what I wanted, which I treasure.

So yes its your DH's thought that counts - particularly when its not a particularly nice thought.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2019 22:58

I'd end it op, when it's all about the materialistic it's game over honey,

He has, I want, be generous, meh, end it,

Playmysong · 31/01/2019 22:58

Some men are just useless at buying presents, therefore shouldn’t base relationships on this! I have given up dropping hints for dh. In my family we have present opening time after Christmas dinner. I just produce my presents from dh. That way I can get something I really want and a few odds and ends too.
Not being ungrateful, but money has never been plentiful, therefore I really don’t want a jumper or perfume that I won’t wear/use.
Loved my Steven Brown canvas this year (and got it on Black Friday deal)!!

Yabbers · 31/01/2019 22:59

Did you ask him why it was romantic?

Maybe he was saying you’re just his cup of tea. Or wouldn’t swap you for all the tea in China.

What kind of gift were you expecting?

whiteworld · 31/01/2019 22:59

You put him on notice??

Ffs.

Sounds like it’s over. Stop buying him ridiculously expensive gifts.

StreetwiseHercules · 31/01/2019 23:00

You sound like a real pain.

“Disappointed with DH AGAIN”
“He was put on notice”
“I set him up to fail a test over Christmas presents”
“Boo hoo teacups”

Dreadful. It’s like you think he works for you. He should go.

LanaorAna2 · 31/01/2019 23:05

A lot of posters are squeaking yr DH is a man so doesn't understand either love or money.

I'm sure that's why he demanded a Jeep but bought you two cups. Oh, and insisted on being bought a sound system. And his Apple watch.

Spend the rest of your inheritance on a laywer OP. Remember the Sonos and the jeep and the watch are marital assets he has to declare.

Something tells me the court won't ask you for details of the two cups and the packet of tea.

lunchboxloony · 31/01/2019 23:06

You do sound rather demanding. My DH is rubbish at presents and romance but I do know he loves me to bits. We've given up on gifts really - and he'd have no hope if I gave him your ultimatum, but relationships are about far more than that. I do make DH go out and get me a few things to unwrap and he takes the DCs and maybe gets slippers or chocs - but we don't try to second guess big stuff because whoever really gets that right? Better to go in together on a family holiday or nice piece of furniture. Cut the poor chap some slack...... Life isn't a Mills and Boon novel!

StreetwiseHercules · 31/01/2019 23:07

“What, you bought him a brand new car?”

I doubt it. It’s been written to perhaps suggest that but with just enough ambiguity to wriggle out when questioned.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2019 23:11

Dreadful. It’s like you think he works for you. He should go

Can you imagine the horror of being married to someone like the op, I'm disappointed in you again, you're on notice, be generous, i shall,leave your gift sitting on the floor because it's just not good enough.

You'd be sitting thinking, how the fuck did she hide she was that person when I married her? 🤣

geekone · 31/01/2019 23:13

He didn’t try it’s not hard to fake a thoughtful gift. Go to a Hewlett shop say I need something for my wife about £250 what do you have. No thought needed. He just didn’t care.

geekone · 31/01/2019 23:13

Jewellery shop!!

Rachie1973 · 31/01/2019 23:13

You put your DH on ‘notice’?

That would be me out

Iflyaway · 31/01/2019 23:13

(due to my inheritance), and that’s what HE wanted.

I hope to fuck you have some of your inheritance stashed away in a run-away fund. If not, do it tomorrow. Your future self will thank you.

I'm just not on his agenda, am I?

Nope. Sorry.

CharminglyGawky · 31/01/2019 23:13

I get what you mean OP.

When I buy gifts for people it's a way I can show love and appreciation for them, thinking of what they would like and the enjoyment of seeing them happy. My husband does not think like that and was horrified when I used his disinterest in getting me presents over the last few years as an example of why I felt a bit unloved. He pushed the boat out this year and got me some lovely things, not what I would have chosen (he must have thought about what he would consider a good present an adjusted it to my tastes rather than his) but he had clearly thought about me and I would not have cared if he had spent £5 or £500 as long as I knew he had thought about it and given with love. Mugs and tea for a non tea drinker just doesn't cut it!

Thequaffle · 31/01/2019 23:14

He could have googled it and gotten a better idea than mugs and tea. I don’t buy the ‘some men are crap at gifts’ bollocks. He could choose a thoughtful gift, he’s just not thoughtful.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2019 23:14

but have pointed out that if he doesn’t pull his head out of his arse, he’s losing me

Ah, I'm sure he didn't buy you the tea in an attempt to speed that up, nor was he thinking doing let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, don't you worry,,,🤣

ReanimatedSGB · 31/01/2019 23:16

It depends what else is going on between you, tbh. I wouldn't think much of a partner who got all 'Waah, I want an EXPENSIVE ROMANTIC PRESENT' with no actual clues, either.
What are his good points? What were his good points when you decided to marry him? Is this a man who makes you laugh, is great in bed, does his share of domestic work? If you have DC, is he good with them, kind to them?

If he basically ignores you unless he wants to get his dick wet - or unless dinner isn't ready on time, then it's probably time to move on. But your posts could be taken as you being a greedy, materialistic princess, as well.

Shodan · 31/01/2019 23:21

It's not about the actual present though is it, or if he's one of those people who is unable to buy thoughtful gifts.

It's about the marriage counselling, and the fact that he isn't putting any effort into the relationship. That's what the gift request OP was about. She wanted him to stir his lazy brain into action, really think about what his wife and their relationship meant to him, and buy something generous to show her that.

He can clearly understand what 'generous' means- he has been on the receiving end of it. If, for the sake of argument, the tea was because he loved her more than all the tea in China, or that she was his cup of tea, a generous gift might have been afternoon tea for them both at a swanky hotel, for example.

If he was that clueless, he could, as a pp said, have gone into any department store and said he wanted to buy a generous romantic gift and they would have pointed him in the right direction.

Or indeed, he could have Googled, or joined a forum like this one for advice. Or asked his friends, or his mother, or...anyone really.

But that would have involved Effort. And he obviously couldn't be bothered.

Sorry OP, again as a pp said- the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And he is just indifferent. Stop spending on him and save your money to start a new life without him.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2019 23:22

I'm trying to imagine a situation where my husband told me I was on notice to buy him. Good stuff for Xmas, to be generous, and to then buy him a gift, and him leave it on the floor and walk away,

I'd bin him faster than I binned the wrapping paper.

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