Hosting always, never the guest!

[anmh]

I just wanted to say again HOW annoying it is to always be the one hosting and organizing meet ups/ play dates .
When I host I sometimes get the: “ must have you over” but then nothing. Happy to be fed and watered and mess up someone’s house but not reciprocate, I find it self absorbed and rude, AIBU?

also really dislike when people enthusiastically say let’s meet up every@&$&&& time you meet with them but when trying to arrange something they basically flake out. But surprise surprise when you run into them again, its the same enthusiastic “let’s meet up”. I’m pretty sure the last time this happened I stared in disbelief at the person and said nothing; no words came out!
So how do you end up getting your turn as guest and how do you reply to people who carry on about meeting up yet do nothing about it?

You say, “how lovely - shall I come to yours next time? What day works best for you?”

Just don't invite anyone.

That would work if for example they were suggesting meeting up after being at ours.
I have been left with a “must have you over” with no follow up.
I’m not really going to invite myself over to someone s house.

Perhaps you are such a great hostess the they are intimidated by what you can do. Maybe get in there first with plan to take it in turns with the meet ups that is much fairer I would think.

When they say "Lets meet up", fire back with "Yes, why don't we set a date right now. When can I come over?"

Do you think there's any reason you're not invited? You mention play dates so children are involved here. Do you have lots of DC, or particularly boisterous DC? Do you keep good control of your DC when out and about?

How old are the children?

There used to be a playground mum who I was really fond of, and (more important) our DC were friends.

But she was a COMPLETE neat-freak and I used to die about her seeing my messy, cluttered house.

But our kids were a bit older by then (6+), so I could invite the child without inviting her too. And I used to offer to walk the kid home so she didn't need to come by!

One of my colleagues is the most glamorous, amazing host. She cooks like nigella and her house is out of a decoration magazine. I love her to bits but I'm afraid I'm intimidated too - I have avoided invited her over for that reason.

I can see how wrong that is...

the "let's meet up" brigade think that they get brownie points by saying this when in fact they are just dicks. I used to have friends like this and my response was to just laugh at them.

If you've just hosted and people say "must have you over" then no reason not to set a date. You can say "that would be lovely, when are you free?" you can then gauge whether they really mean it. If they don't set a date then don't invite them again.

I can’t think there’s any reason to not invite except that there is some work/shopping/prep/cooking involved.
We have 3 young children, bordering generally on the quiet/shy side so it’s nice to have a home play date get together where kids can play with each other’s toys etc.
I can’t understand the concept about being intimidated by your host to the extent that you would forego manners but maybe that is more about me and not anyone else.

TBH I don’t especially like hosting others at my house for dinner. I get performance anxiety about the food especially if the guests are good cooks themselves. I find it takes a lot of the day to shop and prepare and then there’s all the washing up and bang goes a lot of the weekend. So yes I have been to dinner at other people’s houses and never got round to having them back. I will however happily set a date for us all to go out to a restaurant (where I know money is not an issue) or even invite them round for a takeaway on us - but I need to know someone pretty well to feel I can do that!

I can’t understand it because my house is by no means out of homes and garden!

The thing is (for me, when my DD was younger), my DD loved playing with friends. So I invited whether I was invited back or not because it mattered to my child.

You know I completely understand that. But we normally have bbqs because I am no nigella! Or picnic style food, or a takeaway. It’s just a nice way to catch up, it’s not really about the food that’s served.
I appreciate that s my thinking so no disrespect to others that have anxiety about this.

I guess that s the best way to look at it. Thank you.

We've got friends who haven't invited us over for a very long time (2016 last time) but they are alway happy to come to ours. They keep saying we must get together and I've been saying on that would be lovely. Nothings happened so next time it's said I'm going to say 'That sounds great - shall we set a date now?' It will be interesting to see what happens

Yes I’m like this. I’m the eldest of a group of seven mams who I met when my youngest was a baby (now three). One of them is always skint so whenever we try to sort a night out she’ll say oh can we not just have a girls night in! Then there’ll be silence until I offer to host. I do always say oh i really don’t mind going to someone else’s house if you want to take a turn hosting. But no one ever does.
I like to think it’s because my husband is a good cook who will serve us drinks etc and I have a warm, comfortable home but I think it’s just because they can’t be arsed.

Only my very closest friends know that I suffer with anxiety. I don't really like even family coming around. The idea of having to host friends for dinner/drinks/even coffee would make me really ill. Most people who know me wouldn't guess this in a million years.

I usually suggest meeting somewhere neutral with friends and that works, but I am happy to go to someone elses home (where I will being generous gifts)

It's a shame if some people might think I am being a CF or lazy. It just isn't possible for me. I like to think that my real friends wouldn't want to put me through that amount of anxiety

bring generous gifts

I find it takes a lot of the day to shop and prepare and then there’s all the washing up and bang goes a lot of the weekend.

But that's the same for whoever hosts! It's not worse for you.

Something for me to think about cuppycakey.

I find it hard to have people over to our house for a few reasons; it's also quite a long way from town so those who want to drink need to get a taxi which is really costly out to where we live.

I have a few friends who very regularly host and always invite me - but we have settled into me cooking a few desserts or other dishes (I'll happily spend the day preparing food) depending upon the format of the night and being very happy to go around beforehand and help them to prepare / bring last minute shopping on the way if they text before I leave etc etc. I see this as my "payback" to them for hosting and very much hope that they see it the same way.

I think lots of people can’t help but say that you must go to their houses next. It sounds like you’d prefer to have people to your house than not see anybody at all for the sake of your children. Could you maybe try and organise them coming to your house but get them involved with bringing food or something so that it isn’t always down to you to sort everything. For what it’s worth I don’t think some people realise how much others go out of their way for them but it’s so difficult to point it out without making things awkward. I hope they appreciate the effort that you go to for them each time though.

I find it takes a lot of the day to shop and prepare and then there’s all the washing up and bang goes a lot of the weekend. So yes I have been to dinner at other people’s houses and never got round to having them back

But surely the people who host you have to do all the shopping, prep and washing up?

Well yes but I assume they enjoy it! Otherwise why do they do it? Just to get a reciprocal invitation?

OP do you only host people so that they will invite you back to theirs?

Also OP has said she likes hosting as it works well for her shy kids. Which doesn’t really apply to ours.