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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosting always, never the guest!

110 replies

anmh · 31/01/2019 16:26

I just wanted to say again HOW annoying it is to always be the one hosting and organizing meet ups/ play dates .
When I host I sometimes get the: “ must have you over” but then nothing. Happy to be fed and watered and mess up someone’s house but not reciprocate, I find it self absorbed and rude, AIBU?

also really dislike when people enthusiastically say let’s meet up every@&$&&& time you meet with them but when trying to arrange something they basically flake out. But surprise surprise when you run into them again, its the same enthusiastic “let’s meet up”. I’m pretty sure the last time this happened I stared in disbelief at the person and said nothing; no words came out!
So how do you end up getting your turn as guest and how do you reply to people who carry on about meeting up yet do nothing about it?

OP posts:
Pernickity1 · 01/02/2019 06:31

Another one who gets anxious here! I get so worked up about hosting and rarely offer to do it if I can go to the other persons house instead. but since I don’t come across as an anxious person those who don’t know me very well probably think I’m very rude Sad

Pernickity1 · 01/02/2019 06:33

Jesus Skittlesandbeer he handed you the receipt? Your friend is a major CF!

BlingLoving · 01/02/2019 09:38

I do think the not inviting back for dinner/lunch invites is often because some people don't like hosting/are embarrassed etc combined with the fact that they assume the person hosting actively enjoys it. It does annoy me to be honest, and the general, "we must have you over" can get tiring. But I do get it. And I just tend not to invite those people over after a while.

It's the playdates that annoy me. Happy to let their children come here but very little reciprocal invitations. And I know it's not because the DC aren't friends. At school gate there'll be lots of begging from mine and friends' children, and there'll always be some half hearted, "yes, we should meet up, I'll text you some dates" and it never happens. And it annoys the hell out of me.

Pinkcottonshirt · 01/02/2019 10:06

I do think the not inviting back for dinner/lunch invites is often because some people don't like hosting/are embarrassed etc combined with the fact that they assume the person hosting actively enjoys it.

And I think that's fine, but you'd think they'd stop taking and taking in terms of always going 'round to someone else's. You think they'd balance it out in someway, like taking you out for coffee and cake.

Jenwiththecurls · 01/02/2019 10:15

Totally agree with everything @Skittlesandbeer said - some people are just more naturally hosty and that can work.

I actually prefer hosting and it feel like a win to get people over to mine! I like being in my space, always feel a bit uncomfortable in other people’s houses, and am lazy in that I’d rather not travel. I love cooking, and I’d MUCH rather spend 4 hours shopping and cooking than spend an hour travelling across town. I don’t cook very expensive stuff and my friends usually bring wine or pudding so it’s not like I’m left that much out of pocket...

OP - do your friends bring stuff with them? Like treats/wine. If they always turned up empty handed I’d be a bit Hmm

NannyRed · 01/02/2019 10:19

Invite people once and once only, until they reciprocate, you just wait. Once they have reciprocated, then and only then do you invite them again. Definitely no second dates until they have done their share.

ginpink · 01/02/2019 10:23

Hi OP. I will admit I haven't read the full thread but I'm on a time limit and wanted to post....

I used to be you. But then my son was diagnosed with some special needs. My life filled up with this - booking appointments, pushing for him in every way that I can. My husband and I had some marital issues and the stress of it pushed me into depression. Now I cancel 90% of play dates. It's not that I don't want to have them it's just that there's always something going on meaning I just can't face them or make time for them. Also throw in the sickness bugs me and my kids catch ay school/work etc there's also the times I have to cancel them anyway.

Please try not to take it personally, you never know the full story Thanks

PuddingandPie2 · 01/02/2019 10:38

I had a friend that always did this to me. She didn't drive either so not only did she always come to my house but I had to drive to collect her and then drive her home.
I would clean and tidy before, drive to collect her, then back to mine, 20 mins round trip, provide drinks and cake, then take her home, 20 mins again driving.
I would say let's do it at yours next time and she'd nearly always say no it's ok i'll come to yours!?
Quite often I'd turn up to collect her and she'd ask me to run her somewhere on the way too! Once to get some holiday money converted and general errands.
I ended the friendship years ago. It was this and other reasons. I felt like her taxi and maid.
Just stop invites and make new friends! Worked for me.

Sproutingcorm · 01/02/2019 10:46

Tbh the non-reciprocation of play dates didn't bother me so much. I have an "only" and so it was much easier for us to host and be available than for those with multiples and complex after school logistics!

Beerflavourednipples · 01/02/2019 10:51

Another one who gets anxious here! I get so worked up about hosting and rarely offer to do it if I can go to the other persons house instead. but since I don’t come across as an anxious person those who don’t know me very well probably think I’m very rude

This is so me! I hate hosting!

Also, a few of my friends who have younger kids I think prefer to have me over to theirs as its easier than getting everyone out of the house, worrying about naps etc

Sproutingcorm · 01/02/2019 11:00

I don't mean this in a horrible way because I get very anxious too (and worried about people judging our - literally - crumbly old house that hasn't been decorated for years) but the best way to overcome anxiety is to face it and of course to practice. You can learn to become a reasonably competent cook like you can learn to paint or draw (when people tend to assume it's an in-built nack or something). You just have to grasp the basic techniques. The organisational aspects of entertaining become easier too the more you do it.

Luna9 · 01/02/2019 12:24

I don't expect people to reciprocate every time and I only organise things when I feel like it; however if the person never reciprocate I won't bother inviting them again.

I understand some people work full timehave lots of commitments but if they never make the effort I don't waste my time with them.

morningconstitutional2017 · 01/02/2019 12:58

I think Miane has it just right. If there's no response maybe hang back with your invites for a while. I find that some of us feel more comfortable in a particular role and can get stuck in that rut.

coolcahuna · 01/02/2019 13:56

I have this same problem! I'm the natural organiser and I get sick to the back teeth of people saying 'we must go out' - go on then, organise it!

So what I have found myself doing is gravitating to those I am close to and who are also good at organising or are good at replying to stuff I organise!

It does mean I haven't seen some friends for months - so be it. And a few have stepped up!

Step back and see what happens :-)

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 01/02/2019 14:41

I've been here, for years and years. I got tired of it, felt hurt. Would get invited to a restaurant and then we'd split the bill even though they had massive houses and had been to dinner at mine more than 20 times..... I gave up. People have poor social graces, i think in the UK entertaining isn't that common in my experience. Some people are radiators and some are drainers.....

XingMing · 01/02/2019 14:52

It used to be the done thing (in diplomatic/posh social circles) to keep a notebook of invitations received/sent and tally them up fairly regularly so that the hospitality effort and expense were evenly shared. Obviously, people who were friends met more frequently and shared pastimes or casual drop-ins, but it was understood that a lot of entertaining was done because it provided a more convivial atmosphere in which to meet people in similar roles for off-the-record discussion of diplomatic business. It sounds, and probably was, a bit transactional for the 21st century but it had its merits.

When I was younger, we always seemed to be the hosts but rarely received the reciprocal invitations. So we backed off a bit, so it's now our yardstick for genuine friendship.

Liciaflorrick · 01/02/2019 15:00

I was Ince part of an nct type group where we all met at each others houses. Except one time one of the mums told me that she didn't find my house suitable. She meant messy. I was going through stuff, sick baby, rubbish dh, all stuff she knew but wasn't prepared to give me some slack.

fluffyhamster · 01/02/2019 15:16

I'm probably guilty of not having people back enough and owing people a few meals Blush.
There are a few reasons:

  • after my Dad died I had depression and anxiety and really couldn't imagine coping with all the organisation
  • in our group of friends lots of the DHs are good cooks and get very involved. My DH does not and so when we have people over it becomes such a lot of work for me, mostly on my own. DH waits to be told to clear and lay tables, to tidy the lounge and will just about go and get food and wine to cook "if I give him a detailed list" Hmm but his lack of involvement is a bone of contention between us. Once guests arrive he will pour the initial drinks and then he'll usually settle himself down and have a jolly old chat with everyone while I run around like a blue-arsed fly! Or, I'll end up sounding like a nagging wife by constantly asking him to do things:
"DH could you come and carry some dishes through/ put some mats out/ serving spoons/ get some more wine/water/ soft drinks etc " He really has zero ability to SEE what needs doing.

And then later once everyone has gone, and I'm absolutely shattered, he'll be swigging port down and say "well, that was OK, wasn't it, we must do it more often..." Angry

Beeziekn33ze · 01/02/2019 15:22

Licia - That's just rude. 💐

mintich · 01/02/2019 15:38

I don't have friends over as my house is tiny!! I do say that but I hope they know that's the only reason. It could be something like that.

Aworldofmyown · 01/02/2019 16:15

mountain do you mean that you expected them to pay for you because you had hosted a dinner?? I think that's a bit bizarre tbh - if I cook someone dinner I don't tally up the cost.

If you were annoyed by that in future I would have just always gone out with that group of people rather than hosted.

Some people really don't like hosting adults, I know I don't. And if I'm honest I only have kids round because I feel I have too. I suffer with pretty bad anxiety though.

Original poster
anmh · 01/02/2019 16:43

So much helpful insight into peoples’ experiences - really helps put things into perspective. For a pp who asked, yes some bring over something but others do not; not sure what the thinking is in either case.
Someone else asked if I liked “the control” of hosting, I certainly don’t and would love to have someone else take over. But obviously I cant force someone to have me over.
A lot of people have suggested just bringing it up with the said people and just arranging it such that we go to theirs but I’m really not comfortable doing that. If I can make the analogy, it’s abit like if someone likes you enough, they will make sure they message/phone after a date.
I guess maybe I should accept that some “friends” are just not that into me and move on.
Thank you for your helpful replies Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
anmh · 01/02/2019 16:46

Licia that sounds very insensitive especially as she also had a young child, you’d expect Someone in the same position as you to have a little more sympathy! Confused

OP posts:
Sproutingcorm · 01/02/2019 16:52

Aye I can really identify with your summary Anmh!

Liciaflorrick that's awful; you are well shot of them Flowers

fluffy hamster agree it's very hard doing it without help; I would be reluctant to do that.

V interesting thread! A helpful insight in to how differently people see things!

Upsy1981 · 01/02/2019 16:54

We tend to do most of the hosting. I think it started as we were the first ones to have our own place, then we had DD so it was easier for people to come to us so we could get DD to bed easily and the evening could continue. There are two other couples in our group, one of which will host sometimes and the others don't really. However, I have anxiety and, for me, it is better if people come to me as I am on home turf and feel secure. It makes me anxious to go to others' although I will do it. My DH is also socially awkward and he copes much better at home as he can do the whole 'Anyone for drinks?' thing and it gives him something to do as he isn't really comfortable just sitting and chatting for ages.

In my 'mum group', there are people who host and people who absolutely never host. In fact I'm not even sure exactly which house one friend lives in as she will not let us get too close. That is an anxiety thing.

Hosting does cost a fortune though. Luckily all are friends are of the 'we'll do the food you bring some drink' mentality so that works well as its the booze that really hikes up the cost. We'll get the basics in, a couple of bottles of wine, a box of beers and some soft drinks but anything else is usually brought.