Hosting always, never the guest!

[anmh]

I just wanted to say again HOW annoying it is to always be the one hosting and organizing meet ups/ play dates .
When I host I sometimes get the: “ must have you over” but then nothing. Happy to be fed and watered and mess up someone’s house but not reciprocate, I find it self absorbed and rude, AIBU?

also really dislike when people enthusiastically say let’s meet up every@&$&&& time you meet with them but when trying to arrange something they basically flake out. But surprise surprise when you run into them again, its the same enthusiastic “let’s meet up”. I’m pretty sure the last time this happened I stared in disbelief at the person and said nothing; no words came out!
So how do you end up getting your turn as guest and how do you reply to people who carry on about meeting up yet do nothing about it?

I am in this situation as well - everyone comes to mine but rarely do I get invited back. I put a lot of effort in and am a good cook (though maybe they just say that to wangle an invite) so now I have a 3 strikes rule - if I don’t get an invite from them after they have been to mine 3 times (doesn’t have to be for dinner - could be coffee / wine) then i won’t invite them back. Had to do this after a few people keep inviting themselves round and never invited us over.

I like hosting but it does take a lot of effort /can be stressful and costs a lot so it’s nice to have a night where all you have to worry about it bringing wine

Op, why not take it as a compliment? Clearly your a great host and your house is welcoming.

I love to host but don’t get to do it very often. We have one set of friends who came round to ours once and has since always insisted that we go to theirs. (They live in a very nice 4 bedroom detached. We are in a normal 3 bed semi)

It left me feeling very paranoid about our Home and my hosting, and I now get nervous about asking new people over

Friend: "We must meet up..!"
Response: "Yeah that would be lovely...what do you reckon, mine, yours or elsewhere?"
That's what I often do, and it get the message across that I'm happy to host sometimes (but not every time), but makes it easy for the other party to opt out of hosting if they feel they can't for whatever reason.
Works for me...

I can't cope with people coming to mine so always invite them out for coffee instead. I live in quite a posh area but I'm in a very rough part and I'm sad to say I get embarrassed of all the crap outside and the smell of drugs. I always drop off and pick up when the children have friends round too.

I have invited people to mine but they always persuade me to go to theirs or we go out.
If they want to host-fine by me.

We always host too. Very selfish of the others not to reciprocate imo.

Why don't people just get to the point. I have a friend who I love dearly, but she will admit that she would rather go to someone else's house, as she hates anyone messing up her immaculate house.

If she has been to mine for tea a few times, I will just say 'Right, when are we coming round yours for tea, it's your turn to cook and host?'

If she grumbles, I just call her a lazy sod and say 'right, I'm coming round on Sunday'. Bless her, she agrees she's a lazy beggar, cooks a lovely tea, we both tidy up and I take her flowers.

If it bothers people that much, then say something

Years ago when young and skint, we'd often end up hosting. But we were all young and skint. We just started doing a pot luck thing. Over the years friends have come and gone, but we still do pot luck.

I'm always the one that everyone comes to because I have space and I don't mind, even had parties for other people here. Plus there's always interesting food and it's nice as no-one feels put out providing food for everyone. Afterwards, we just automatically start clearing away stuff.

MadameButterface sorry if your house gets you down, but if it helps, I've fallen slightly in love with you for having zero space but still having bookshelves in every room

moomoo the OP isn't being a nob just because she's like a break from the work and expense of constantly hosting. Bring the one to always make the effort when no one else does, results in the host feeling used.
People aren't psychic - how are they supposed to know if someone has social anxiety if they appear fine and are happy to accept invitations? For everyone who genuinely dies have anxiety, I'd bet many more are just lazy and selfish.

If this was me, I'd stop hosting for a bit.

I’ve talked to People about this and they’ve admitted
They prefer to go to go to others houses
For play dates as they don’t want a mess
To clean up afterwards. I always seem
To be the host as no one else
Really
Offers. I don’t mind in general
If it’s good friends but have stopped
Inviting a few individuals as it pissed me off them just getting up
And walking out leaving Their mess (even dirty nappies on the side)
All around, and i have to spend the next 2 hours cleaning up. Some
People are total
Users.

OP we should get together. I don't drive and would love for people to come to me. But there is one woman in our friendship group who always chimes in with ".....or people can come to mine". And everyone does. I'm starting to think my hosting isn't up to scratch! Do you want to come over?

Funnily enough this has just arisen today for us. I hadn't noticed that I was always the host for my DD's friend, parent and siblings. It has never been any trouble, besides a bit of a squeeze if it was a tighter budget month, and my DD loves having people here.

BUT she started to notice that it was one sided after a couple of "You must come to us!" comments were never acted upon. When the parent offered a specific week for a visit recently she was thrilled but things have come up and the offer was pushed back.

We offered to host again this week just so they can get together, because both children are a little hurt and confused, but truthfully it has made me take a step back and reappraise. The house is always chaos when they leave and the snack cupboards bare. I might be selfish next time* and save the goodies for ourselves

*I won't because DD gives excellent sad face

We sort of had this recently. Wonderful friends who are just massively last minute and disorganised but a joy to spend time with and the kids all adore each other so we end up hosting quite often.

We saw them at something out a while back and she said “we have to get together soon” and I said “yes, why don’t you have us over for lunch in the next couple of weeks, I’ll get my phone and we can pick a few dates to choose from”. She beamed, we picked a date, they stuck to it and we had a great meal at theirs and a lovely time.

I’m going to silently seeth less in future and put the “we must meet up” contingent on the spot

Worth a go!

OP - I agree, it's annoying. Re your first point, it's not just the imbalance of effort, but also the thought "If I didn't bother arranging these things, would they just let things slide? Are they even that bothered?!"

To ones who flake constantly, or do the "We must meet up!" line, there's not much more you can do than cheerfully laugh it off saying "Well, we keep saying that!" and leave the ball in their court.

I had a friend who'd bump into our mutual friend and say "We must get together with the children. Let's all meet at Margot's next Wednesday afternoon," like my home was the local soft play! 😏

She was also a great advocate of 'getting out of the house' when the children were small, so much better than sitting in. Yes, especially when the getting out involved sitting in my house instead .

I have some friends who constantly ask us over. I really hate cooking for them as they are brilliant cooks and real foodies and l'm not. I would be happy if they never invited me over so its their choice. I do meet her for lunch in a nice restaurant and always pay and we meet regularly for coffee but they love entertaining at their home.
I never mind my dc having friends over. We are a real get togeher house for them all and l knock up food and they all feel welcome.
But when it comes to my foodie friends l feel totally inadequate. I have a lovely home and can tidy it well if people coming over but l still lack the confidence. My dh is not an entertainer as quite introverted so l don't find him much help.
To be honest l would rather people didn't invite me over but they insist. I have lovely friends but rather go for a walk or meet for coffee than be in their homes due to pressure of return invites. Its nearly an extra stress for me.
The more l don't do it the harder it becomes.

PotatoespastaAndBread, that’s really so kind.
I think with a user name like yours, we d get on fantastically well!

@minipie
Well yes but I assume they enjoy it! Otherwise why do they do it? Just to get a reciprocal invitation?

You are one of those people!!
I host all the time in my family, not because I have the biggest home, but because (I gather) our flat is in the most convenient location for everyone, it has a "homely" vibe, and everyone is in the habit of coming here now.

Yes I enjoy seeing my family, no I don't enjoy being the one who always spends the money on food, prepares dinner, has to deep clean the bathroom, tidy the living room, prepare the spare bedroom, make drinks etc etc. I'm sure some of my siblings just assume I enjoy being the host, and it would literally never (and has never) occurred to them to offer to host in return.

I agree to hosting all the time because it's the only way we would meet up all the time. Unless we went to a restaurant, but that is too expensive for each time.

I'm not at the play date stage yet, but from what PP have said it's the same. There is lots of value in your kids having play dates, so you wouldn't just not do it. But if other people don't offer to host, if YOU don't offer to host, it simply won't happen, and your kids (or family or friends or whatever) simply won't meet up. So permanent hosters just put up with the inconvenience and expense, since the alternative is everyone sitting in their own houses doing nothing. Maybe think about it before refusing to host because cleaning up takes up your weekend, but going to everyone elses houses...

I get where you are coming from, it is rude to always be the guest and not invite people round and be a host at times. But I have pretty much given up on hosting now- when I have people over I get too anxious and can't relax at all. I end up buzzing around guests constantly making sure everything is ok in some kind of hyper state. I get social anxiety, but can cope if I know I can leave once I get exhausted, so going to someone's house isn't an issue. Having people over drains me as I wouldn't dream of saying "I've had enough, I need to rest, please leave" so naturally people stay and by the time they all leave my nerves are shattered and my head is pounding. Ive just decided I can't do it anymore and that my home needs to be somewhere I can escape from people. I keep thinking we should have people over, but I talk myself out of it because I know it will totally drain me.

Having kids over for play dates on the other hand is no problem - always have kids round so at least that's something I can reciprocate!

MH issues aside, I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting hospitality if I didn't try and reciprocate in some small way. It's very poor manners.

I love the way some people assume that the effort, cost and time involved in hosting dont count for anything because "you enjoy it" also the assumption that regular hosts don't get tired or anxious about the inadequacies of their house and cooking skills sometimes too!

We have hosted a lot over the years andbsadly I think the world is divided in to givers and takers although I hate looking at it like that.

At one end of the extreme we've invited a prosperous established couple on various occasions (funnily enough they are the ones who are always agitating to meet up) but it dawned on me last time (because in general, no, I don't keep a tab) that they never reciprocate, hardly even bother to say thanks afterwards (a one line text would be sufficient) and never say anything nice or complementary about anything on the night either! It's almost as if they feel we should be happy because they have deemed to have bestowed their presence (and especially that of their DC) on us! DH and I always have a chuckle when they've gone and remember why it took us such a long time since the previous occasion to organise a get together!

In direct contrast to that is a friend of ours,v a busy single mother (teacher), who lives in a tiny flat too small to entertain in, who nevertheless always reciprocates in really ingenious ways by organising picnics, baking cakes, hosting kids parties in local parks. She takes my breath away she is so generous! Similarly, DH had an intern who invited us and some colleagues to his studio flat and we all sat on cushions on the floor while he served us chicken noodle soup from a packet made on one ring. It was fab and we had one of the best nights ever!

So if anxiety about your home or your cooking is stopping you from hosting, please don't let it! Anyone worth spending time with won't give a toss!

I find it takes a lot of the day to shop and prepare and then there’s all the washing up and bang goes a lot of the weekend.

Well, yes. That’s why it’s important to take turns.

There was an expression when i was a kid 'dont give to recieve'. As for the flaky friends just ask them to text you to meet up, leave the ball in their court.

Of course you don't give with the specific aim of receiving. In this context you host because you enjoy human interaction and hope your guests will too!

You could turn that around and say don't receive if you are not willing to give a bit in return!

It's nice to have a social life. Id be grateful!

I must say I’m resigned to always hosting. My two best friends are: single, introverted, not good cooks, ‘big’ city jobs.

I work from home, have a child, love cooking, extrovert. My family are all good hosts, so over the years I’ve collected all the gear (matching table sets, glassware, kitchen gadgets, good bbq, etc) and the skills.

I’d be surprised if my besties had more than 2 dinner plates in their cabinets!

I’ve been invited to one of their houses, once, in over 10 years. They’d be at mine (separately and together) at least once a fortnight in that time.

Recently I gave one of them ‘The Look’ when I asked them to pick up a couple of ingredients (think bunch of basil and cheese) for our meal on the way over, and he handed over the receipt. He got the message.

Overall I can’t get worked up about it. Of course I’d like to be hosted (or occasionally treated to lunch/dinner out!) but I accept that it’d never occur to them, and that there’s probably preferences of mine in the mix. I’m a good cook cos I like great food & wine. I wouldn’t get that at their houses, and I’d have to arrange childcare and drive home across town.

Playdates too. I’d rather oversee my kids activities (mainly iPad related) and serve healthy snacks and let the obligation sit with the other parent. I’ll call on them for something someday (I really do) and I’ll expect honest help. I’d rather avoid much of the politics of play dates, where they walk your kid home 100mtres, then ask if you can mind theirs (+ sibling) for hours, weeks later. No thanks. If I don’t feel like hosting, I suggest a park and snack boxes.

I think you’ve let habits become entrenched with some of these friends, OP. And then become resentful. A bit of research on assertiveness (and then a bit of practice) would sort both problems. Also, admit to yourself if there’s something deep down in you that likes being ‘Uberhost’? Do you like the control? A bit of martyrdom? Eating your own (better) food??