Hosting always, never the guest!

[anmh]

I just wanted to say again HOW annoying it is to always be the one hosting and organizing meet ups/ play dates .
When I host I sometimes get the: “ must have you over” but then nothing. Happy to be fed and watered and mess up someone’s house but not reciprocate, I find it self absorbed and rude, AIBU?

also really dislike when people enthusiastically say let’s meet up every@&$&&& time you meet with them but when trying to arrange something they basically flake out. But surprise surprise when you run into them again, its the same enthusiastic “let’s meet up”. I’m pretty sure the last time this happened I stared in disbelief at the person and said nothing; no words came out!
So how do you end up getting your turn as guest and how do you reply to people who carry on about meeting up yet do nothing about it?

They could invite you for pub lunch, birthday picnic, whatever.
Just lazy and selfish not to reciprocate at all

I sympathise with the OP. Everyone assumes that I love to "host" so every year I host Xmas, New Year, family birthdays etc, etc because its become the norm that everyone (family and Friends) comes to mine!
I would love for just a change, someone to invite me and DH for Christmas etc, we go out for meals with family and friends, but I would just like someone to make some effort to host us.
And don't tell me not to invite them, it is default mode to say, "oh we will see you at Hazels for lunch on Easter Sunday/Christmas/whatever occasion"

i hate having people round to my house. Nothing to do with being selfish or lazy, I just hate it
I would also be very upset if some nob invited me round to theirs then expected a reciprocal invitation and went on the interweb slagging me off about it.
You either invite people because you want them there and you enjoy it. Or you don't invite them. Don't go getting all arsey about it

I d never host only to be invited back. I host because it’s a nice way to catch up with people, relaxed setting at home, kids playing etc. I just find it rude that it’s not reciprocated but perhaps I need to accept that some people don’t actually think that’s at all rude.

I was discussing this with a friend the other day. I've had loads of parties over the years. Always lunchtime, big buffet, loads of food etc. But only the friend I was discussing it with ever invites me back. I did start to feel like Billy No Mates but then thought why would people accept an invitation. I've decided that lots of people just don't do hosting. I love it but it is hard work and it costs a fortune.

Re play dates - I really didn't care if we were not invited back. I enjoyed have friends round for DD to play with it, I didn't have to do pick up and drop off so could quietly sip sherry in the background and I found sometimes if DD went to other friends it could all be a bit try hard in terms of organised play activities.

My house is just not big enough to have loads of people over and my partner is really anti social and I find it awkward and embarrassing if he's there with other people. However I do have a friend who has had me round to hers once and so I'm always the one inviting her over other wise it means paying loads to go somewhere with her. So I can see both sides.

You've just reminded me to make a list of play dates I owe! I'm recovering from an illness and friends have been amazing offering to have the kids. When they've offered I have said I'm not able to reciprocate for a while and they have been fine with that. I will make sure once I'm better I do have their kids over though.
When it comes to friends our house is very tired and I definitely have put off having certain friends round. I shouldn't have as they've be there to spend time with us, not look at the house. I'm more than happy to have close family and friends though and do!

Op, I know exactly what you mean - it’s crap ☹️

@minipie what you’ve said is the equivalent of saying ‘that person bought a round of drinks because they must enjoy it....... I’ll be kind and let them spend more money and time on me and allow them to buy me more drinks and serve them to me.... I’m such a good friend.’ 😇

For all social activities we take in turns to organise duties. My partner cooks whilst I see to general organisation.

@minipie what you’ve said is the equivalent of saying ‘that person bought a round of drinks because they must enjoy it....... I’ll be kind and let them spend more money and time on me and allow them to buy me more drinks and serve them to me.... I’m such a good friend
what nonsense. Surely you must know it's a very very common thing for people to get incredibly anxious/ worked up about inviting people round to their home.
What a massive lack of insight into the fact that people may think differently to yourself

Anxiety here too ☹️

@themoomoo if that was the case it would be decent to acknowledge to the host that your anxiety means you’re unable to reciprocate. That you realise it’s unfair and you explain how you feel and the host can decide to keep offering or not.

In the op’s case noone has said a word about anxiety so it could be the case or it could be that her friends are selfish freeloaders happy to sponge off the op and never reciprocate. The trouble is, unless the op knows which she’s dealing with she’s very vulnerable to being taken for a mug.

my house is absolutely tiny, my living room is seriously about 12' by 12' and fits a 3 seater sofa and one chair in it, what with bookshelves and the ironing board and the vacuum cleaner all that, it makes me want to fucking scream tbh but I just do not have anywhere else to put these things, the rest of the house is similarly 'compact', my bedroom fits my bed and a wardrobe and a bookshelf and a dresser in it, my Ds's room fits a mid sleeper bed plus bookshelf and that's it, dd's isn't much better. So we just do not have anywhere for our stuff to be that is not in our living space and as a result my house drives me fucking spare, no matter how often I tidy stuff up or get rid of stuff to charity shops or declutter, I have two dc and the minute I turn my back it looks like Steptoe's back fucking yard again. I could honestly cry some days. there isn't room to swing a fucking cat, let alone host a nice soiree. There is not one room in my house where there is enough floorspace to do basic yoga, nothing.

That said I seem to host a disproportionate amount of playdates it seems my dc's friends' parents are too busy enjoying their normal sized living accommodation to reciprocate invites. hey ho.

For all of you that have anxiety, if you don't feel able to explain this to the host then please make reciprocal gestures, such as bringing puddings, treats for the kids, bags of nibbles, nice wine for the host even if it isn't going to be used that day. Offer to wash up, don't leave without cleaning up (just start putting toys away etc, don't ask them if they want you to do anything as out of politeness they will say no)

If you do this you come closer to reciprocating even if you don't feel you can host yourself.

if that was the case it would be decent to acknowledge to the host that your anxiety means you’re unable to reciprocate. That you realise it’s unfair and you explain how you feel and the host can decide to keep offering or not
You've really never had any sort of social anxiety, have you. So instead of worrying that someone's going to keep inviting me ( to which I'd politley refuse till they realised I didn't want to go round ) I could take the option of telling somebody I have social anxiety and make myself feel an absoloute tool and humiliated.
Like lots of people with social anxiety, I actually come across as very outgoing and confident. The last thing I want to do is destroy that facade by admitting I'm too mentally fucked up to want people round.

But no, I'm just a lazy selfish fucker, obviously

Wow Madamebutterface. You sound very stressed and rightfully so. Xx
I’m going to stick with the PP who said do it for the kids. So I guess I will cut down seeinh those that my children enjoy playing with the most and I’ll still have the parents over without feeling bad about not being invited to theirs.

getback TBH I just avoid going round to people's houses. This thread has confirmed to me that it turns into a mental tallying up of who's gone round to whose house and what did they bring/ do
No thanks.

We seem to always be the default hosts as well and it pisses me off a bit. Most of the time I enjoy hosting and as we have two small DC, it’s often easier just to have people here but I do get fed up with having to tidy up beforehand, make sure there’s plenty of food in the fridge etc.

OP I feel for you and at the same time I think a good approach is sometimes to either be conscious there could be a reason or if it’s a good friend just ask if there is as you’d ‘love to come over to theirs too sometimes as love it there or whatever’ - in my case chronic fatigue is often a huge factor that even good friends don’t always know how much a toll normal activity takes . On the other hand I’ve made concessions and realised good friends understand if it’s messy , and that it’s important to always organise a relaxed lunch and be welcoming too but for some of us it’s harder. We entertained weekly when I was stronger and now even once a month can be overwhelming

. I would never do nothing at all though and if reciprocating isn’t easy there are always other ways like i’ll Make an Effort to make something delicious too if I can or bring generous contributions .

One of my friends always comes to us as we are a family of 4 and she just loves the atmosphere which i find delightful and grateful for that as very close

I am often in the position of hosting and mimipie you are right - it DOES take all day and sometimes longer between shopping, cleaning, cooking, hosting and then cleaning it all up again...and it costs a penny or two. I do enjoy cooking and hosting

And it is really really lovely when someone invites you back as it is just nice to spend time in another home, its more relaxed than a restaurant.

But I think it would bother me if I continually invited someone and they never invited back. I would stop the invites tbh and assume the friendship was more one-sided than I had thought

Get new friends. Seriously.

Like you, I did all the hosting in my thirties, friends never reciprocated. Utterly selfish of them. Because, newsflash minipie, very few people actually like hosting. It's hard work and costly. It's not quite right to say you host to get invited back, more just taking your turn to share the load.

Anyway, those friends who never reciprocate, are still friends, but we only ever meet out. I will no longer entertain them.
I have a new group of friends now who all contribute and it's so so much nicer.

I think that’s right for me too, it feels one sided and I guess that’s what’s hurtful.

It seems there isn’t a consensus on whether I am BU which is one of the reasons I love mumsnet; the varying range of views!

I have one friend who always turns up at everybody's house, eats their food, drinks their wine, but never returns the invite. She's got a lovely house, no social anxiety, no reason at all except she doesn't want to. I suggested once (when she was talking about Xmas invites to friends) that it was probably her turn and she just replied that she wasn't doing that. So after 10 years of this I've simply stopped inviting her round. I'll see her for lunch or dinner, but the kitchen at my house is now officially closed!

Op,

If you want to meet up with someone, I don't see the bother in making arrangements. If you don't make arrangements it's unlikely you'll be able to meet them for anything other than a quick chat at the supermarket?

That being said, if you're really all that fed up of these people you're describing, I don't suggest doing meet-ups with them unless necessary. It will put you in a bad mood and it will effect you and everyone else that has to be around you negatively.

If you have to meet up with them you can try sending them a text message and have something arranged? They'll co-operate if it's a must?

The people you're describing must have negotiated in some way for you to have the meeting arrangements set in the first place? (therefore they're partially organising the meet-ups too?)

If you have to organise the meet-ups I see no problem in that if you enjoy their company (seems like a reasonable exchange to me)

I recall, with zero fondness, our once friends who used to accept everyone else's hosting, when their turn came, it'd be a takeaway, split the costs...