Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

[nowheretorunorhide]

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

Please read back what you have written and think about what you would say if you were reading someone else's words. This behaviour seems to me like coercive control. But do not do anything without proper help and support. try women's aid or the freedom programme for information. best wishes x

I do keep reading back, which is validating. I'm calling woman's aid again tonight whilst he's out. I've also made a folder of screen shots of all the abusive messages I've had from him, which is a good reminder. They have been sent to my friend so keep copies in case I need them for anything.

I hate him and love him all at the same time, but I know deep down it will not work and it will cause me nothing but pain and my mental health if I stay. I know what I need to do, but doing it is so much harder than I thought. I really wish I had never met him.

Oh op l am so sorry, it is horrible realising the person you loved is not rea who you thought he was, it has happened to many, many women sadly.

The pain of this will ease once you have spent some time away from him and are feeling stronger......wishing you lots of support and good luck..

OP - I left my ebusive ex (shortly after I'd thought about killing him by dropping a heater in the bath: I thought if he was making me that crazy, probably best go be crazy somewhere else...) I left him taking 3 cats, a bag of clothes,three boxes of books and a bed, and I got in a transit van and I buggered off to a very long way away.

I used to cry on my way home from work because I didn't want to go home to him. I now have a LIFE. I've got a good man and a nice little boy and a nice poky little house that leaks a bit in places and a nice job that pays the bills. It's not exciting but it's good. I'm not frightened any more and I've never, ever wanted to kill my DH, not once, not even when he's being particularly farty or his beard is more unkempt than it normally is.

YOU CAN DO THIS

His Aspergers makes him lack any empathy and he's very selfish and just makes sure he's ok.

Does he have a formal diagnosis OP - have you seen the paperwork?

My DS has HFA (would’ve been an Asperger diagnosis in the past) and has plenty of empathy and isn’t selfish.

I’m not saying these aren’t traits but is it something he’s told you to keep you under manners and accepting of shitty behaviour?

His Aspergers makes him lack any empathy and he's very selfish and just makes sure he's ok.

Does he have a formal diagnosis OP - have you seen the paperwork?

My DS has HFA (would’ve been an Asperger diagnosis in the past) and has plenty of empathy and isn’t selfish.

I’m not saying these aren’t traits but is it something he’s told you to keep you under manners and accepting of shitty behaviour?

@Merryoldgoat I've seen the paper work and he doesn't meet enough criteria for a full diagnosis, but he does have traits. I think he hides behind it and a lot of his behaviour is down to watching his dad as a kid being abusive to his mum. I think he's very emotionally immature and I think being military for many years didn't help too.

@MrsRussell thank you, I know I need to, just so much harder to walk out when there are kids. Just hoping the police can give me info from clares law, so I know a bit more on what to expect when I leave, so I can make myself as safe as possible. It's so scary being in the unknown.

I don't think that means he has aspergers! I have traits OP but have been told that means nothing. Many people have traits. They aren't abusive to their partners.

@nowheretorunorhide

So he doesn’t have it then?

The whole point about a diagnosis is that the condition affects your everyday life significantly. If he doesn’t have a diagnosis he doesn’t have Aspergers and he’s manipulating you.

I’ve got loads of autistic traits and my son is very similar to me which made me question things early on but he has significant issues in other areas.

You’re being manipulated.

I have to agree with @MerryOldGoat - Asperger’s would not be the cause of such awful behaviour.

And as you have subsequently stated “I've seen the paper work and he doesn't meet enough criteria for a full diagnosis, but he does have traits” this means he does not have Asperger’s. He may have traits (as many do) but he Ian not autistic. And it is pretty reprehensible behaviour for him to try to hide behind his non-diagnosis. But from what you have said about him it sounds like he wil pretty much say what he wants to control you.

For full disclosure, I have Asperger’s and I really don’t relate to any of the behaviours you have described (though of course we are all different)

This man sounds extremely unpleasant and abusive and I hope you can escape soon.

I found this paperwork last week, before then I was always led t believe he had a full diagnosis. I believe he has problems with labelling/understanding emotions and black and white thinking, but that's all I really see. I think he hides behind a lot of stuff to get excused for things. I think he may just be a fraud. This is all so enlightening the more digging I do.

It's a brilliant thing for an abuser to latch on to, isn't it? Oh I have aspergers so you can't criticise me.

My situation was the opposite - EA exh spent years convincing me I had aspergers and that therefore my judgment / experience of a situation was somehow invalid. Gaslighting in other words. But not attempt to accommodate what he sais was my condition.

Took myself to the GP in the end who was very clear I didn't have it even if I had some traits. He thought maybe anxiety but not aspergers. My Dad is v similar to me, and has similar traits /anxiety.

What were my supposed behaviour suggesting aspergers? Liking to gave some kind of plan / schedule in place and disliking being dicked around / plans changed at the last minute. Not abusing him, swearing at him, lacking empathy in any way.

He had form for gaslighting as he also once convinced me I had anorexia!

@nowheretorunorhide

I found this paperwork last week, before then I was always led t believe he had a full diagnosis.

Just think about that. He’s been lying to you. He told you he has aspergers and he doesn’t. The end.

I have traits of being a cat.
I like naps, enjoy a tickle, v anti social etc.
I am still definitely not a cat.

I have traits of Beyoncé but unfortunately I’m definitely not her.

My son had autism and I have all the traits for a diagnosis but never pursued it, because I haven’t felt hinedered by the traits IYSWIM. Anyway, neither of us abuse and manipulate people, on principle. My son does have issues of natural and unspoken understanding, but the minute someone makes it clear they don’t like his behaviour or he is upsetting them in any way, he stops and is remorseful, never repeating the behaviour again. It’s a bit of a myth that people with autism have no empathy as standard, they have to spend more time learning it, maybe, but it’s not just an empty hole where empathy should be. I say all of this to say, don’t be convinced to stay because of an undiagnosed or otherwise condition. He is an abuser, and will continue to do so. Get any help you can find and go, for the sake of your children, forget about him and put your kids to the forefront of your mind when deciding what to do for the best. Visualise their faces when he starts trying to manipulate you into staying, and think about breaking he cycle of abusive relationships for their sakes. You can do it.

Has* sorry, he definitely still has it.

How have you got on today OP? Rooting for you here. You ARE being brave and strong here, even if you don’t “feel” it.

Well when I came in this evening he was all over me and wanted to do family stuff. He's now being very military and bossing the kids about. He's off out soon, so I'm calling woman's aid again for some support and validation. You're all so right and it's great to hear people's views. I've screen shot all abusive messages and sent to my friend so I've got proof of it all that's happened and so she knows the full story. She's gobsmacked!

Not really got anything to add, just wanted to say good luck OP, you are doing the right thing and you are already stronger than you realise.

My DP has Aspergers, as do I

The thing is, people with aspergers DO have feelings and if they care for somebody they may do something that looks a bit shitty from the outside, but would be mortified to be told that it was shitty, and would be very upset they had hurt you and try really hard not to do it again.

Because despite what the media might like to portray, people with aspergers are not just selfish, self satisfying monsters who dont care about anyone.

It's really interesting to hear from people with Aspergers and who's partners have it, as I don't know a huge amount about it besides what I have googled. My partner is very offended if I ever mention his behaviour being wrong. He can't see he is ever in the wrong. He always sees me as the horrible one.

He doesn’t ‘see’ you as horrible, I don’t think. He’s trying to convince YOU that you’re horrible because that’s what abusive pigs do. I’m pretty sure he knows you’re not horrible at all and is just gaslighting you.