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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

403 replies

nowheretorunorhide · 31/01/2019 13:30

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 02/02/2019 15:38

He always pushes me to have sex when I'm on my period. I guess I can try thrush. I just usually go to bed before him as he stays up gaming late and pretend I'm asleep. He came to bed when I did last night and wanted to watch tv with me. Obviously just wanted sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 03/02/2019 12:12

He's been very nice a calm atm. I have been trying to push his buttons slightly this weekend to see what his reaction will be and nothing. I haven't been his slave and just done my own thing. He still put me down in front of friends last night and my friend who I told everything to this week noticed it too which was validating

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2019 12:57

You know what you need to do, stop playing games with humans stary planning your exit!

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 03/02/2019 13:04

I am planing my exit. I'm not sure how long it will take though. I do keep doubting myself on if it's abuse or if I am over sensitive and it's his Aspergers.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2019 14:13

Have that plan in mind, just because he has Asperger's, does not make him abusive. I am certain DH had Asperger's, and does not do those things, though he can be quite unemotional at times, almost robotic, and finds it hard seeing it from my point of view.

LiftedHigh · 03/02/2019 14:29

Time to go, you'll get lots of support offered. I left husband in October due to DV.
I wish you well xx

Dragongirl10 · 03/02/2019 14:47

Op please stop doubting yourself, many here have confirmed this is abuse and are worried for you....please , please continue your exit plan

SkySmiler · 03/02/2019 14:55

Please, please leave, for the sake of your girls, I know it seems hard but I PROMISED you will be far happier x

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 03/02/2019 15:12

I'm contacting the mash tomorrow about Clare's law and then contacting somewhere else for local support. It's like he knows something is up and is behaving. He's booked us tickets to go away with the kids today for May.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 03/02/2019 15:16

His Aspergers makes him lack any empathy and he's very selfish and just makes sure he's ok. I hate how he can threaten to leave if I disagree with him as he knows it plays into my insecurities with having bpd. If he says it again before I manage to exit then it's my cue to walk away with no guilt what's so ever

OP posts:
Omzlas · 03/02/2019 16:04

Please PLEASE don't feel guilty OP, you cannot control or change his behaviour

You're doing amazingly well, you can do this Flowers

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 03/02/2019 16:18

I don't feel it at all. I feel so emotionally week and so scared being on my own again, working full time with two kids and potentially being housed somewhere which is horrible. I guess it's better than living in this shit environment though.

OP posts:
WetWipesGoInTheBin · 03/02/2019 16:26

OP you know why Asperger's is harder to diagnose in women? It is because the majority of women are forced by their families and then the rest of society to learn how to interact socially and in relationships. In other words his shit behaviour towards you is not just due to his disability, but due to the way he's been allowed to get away with behaving due to having that disability.

So stop making excuses for his behaviour and work on your exit strategy before you damage your children even more.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 03/02/2019 20:57

I never thought about it that way but it's so spot on.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 04/02/2019 09:01

Another day of me being at work today, whilst he sits at home and pretends that he is doing something. I know he'll be sat playing games for most of it, when he can be bothered to drag himself out of bed. I went to bed on my own like I usually do, which is what I prefer if i'm honest now. I'm hoping the mash get straight back to me.

OP posts:
weleasewoderick22 · 04/02/2019 10:06

Keep going op, you're doing brilliantly Thanks.

When this is all over and you've left, I strongly advise the Freedom Programme. It'll help you understand yourself and him and how you ended up in an abusive relationship.
Again, good luck.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 04/02/2019 10:11

I looked at it and think it is a good idea for me. I'm so scared of being single and on my own. I went from a failed marriage straight into this relationship, which I know isn't healthy. I'm just so scared of being on my own and coping with kids, work and my own mental health. I feel so weak.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 04/02/2019 10:24

Don't think about the long-term future - things have a way of sorting themselves out. Just think about the immediate things you need to do. I understand why part of you wants him to behave in a way that confirms that you are right to go, but please, please don't wait for this. To someone looking on from the outside, it's a clearcut case of leave the bastard. This is no way to live and it's not the environment you want your dcs to grow up in. If you're wavering, take a deep breath and do it for them (because sometimes it's harder to do it for just for yourself).

This bit is tough to negotiate, OP. I had to make secret plans to leave my marriage, and I remember the absolute terror that exH would work it out. But it's so, so worth it to be free.

bibliomania · 04/02/2019 10:26

Just to add, I enjoyed being a mother so much more when I got free of a toxic relationship. I didn't realise how much of my energy and happiness it was leeching away. I had far more emotional energy to spend on dc (and enjoy them properly) once it was over.

ApolloandDaphne · 04/02/2019 10:34

Well done OP. You are doing the right thing for you and your DC. You deserve better.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 04/02/2019 10:52

@bibliomania He's out tonight so I think I call womans aid again as I did find that so helpful. I wish I didn't love him because when he's being nice and decent I really do, but I need to remember these are not genuine behaviours, it is just his way of keeping me here. He's talking about starting a new job and us relocating 100 miles away from all my friends and family, probably to isolate me more. I hope when I leave he buggers off there and I don't have to see him again.

OP posts:
weleasewoderick22 · 04/02/2019 11:02

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said but, keep going op. It WILL get better Thanks

bibliomania · 04/02/2019 11:07

That's good, nowhere. An abusive person being "nice" has a more powerful emotional impact than a nice person being their normal nice self because the stakes feel so high.

You can still feel physically attracted to someone who treats you badly. I missed the smell of my exH's aftershave and leaning against his shoulder. Sometimes you just have to put those feelings in a box while you do what you need to do.

ChodeofChodeHall · 04/02/2019 11:15

You're doing great, OP, keep it up!

Just to say, my husband has Aspergers and treats me with respect at all times, so please don't put his abusive behaviour down to this.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 04/02/2019 11:23

I wish I could just shut off my feelings and be logical. I know it's unhealthy, but I can see how people can easily get trapped in this. I know I need to do this for my children, but I need to hang fire until I have all facts from clares law I think.

OP posts: