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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

403 replies

nowheretorunorhide · 31/01/2019 13:30

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Gilead · 01/02/2019 10:05

You are not over reacting. Please do this. It took me two years to finally go so I know it's not easy, but honestly it's the best thing you can do. Flowers

Mishappening · 01/02/2019 10:10

I think it is very clear that you do not love this man (why would you?) so you must leave him and go and have a life that you and your children will enjoy. You are under no obligation to stay ,whatever the definition of this behaviour. Glad you have rung Women's Aid and please follow through with all their advice.

humblesims · 01/02/2019 10:10

Flowers Good luck. We are all behind you. Its ok to feel scared and weak btw its very natural. But, you are actually being very strong and doing absolutely the right thing for yourself and your DCs.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 01/02/2019 10:11

I have changed all passwords on phones, laptop, ipad etc. I have gone through all settings and I think it is all pretty secure. I'll make sure I get passports, birth certificates etc out asap. I take my phone with me everywhere anyway. I don't want him to get in trouble with the police though as he has never hit me or anything and I don't think his mental health could cope. I just want to get out and start over with no drama, but I know it can't be that easy.

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 01/02/2019 10:15

Leave. Sell the iPhone on a recycling site and get yourself a new phone so he has no way of tracking you. You can buy smart phones really cheaply these days as long as you're happy not to have a big brand name.

This is definitely abuse OP. If you're worried about money you can always go to a women's shelter with the children as a temporary fix. It's better than staying in the house with him.

I wouldn't even tell him you're leaving until your plan is set. Just get your kids and essential belongings out of the house as fast as you can.

Neverender · 01/02/2019 10:20

Stop worrying about him and focus on you. The consequences of his actions, if there are any, are his.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 01/02/2019 10:28

The stupid thing is I feel so upset right no, but I want to go to him for a cuddle. I know this isn't normal or right and that I need to leave, but it's so hard. I wish I could detach any emotions. Everything is starting to get set in place for me to leave and I know it's what I have to do, but It won't be quick I don't think unless it does get really bad.

OP posts:
DorisDances · 01/02/2019 11:00

Hang on in there for your DCs sake OP (and your in the long term). Virtual hand hold sent from me.

billybagpuss · 01/02/2019 11:06

Good luck tonight Flowers

Thereshegoesagain · 01/02/2019 12:29

Go to the gym, leave your iPhone there in a locker, then go to the police, then back to the gym to pick up the phone.
Good luck.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 01/02/2019 12:54

Crap! He's left early and on his way home. I'm paranoid now he'll know my password to my laptop and can see my browsing history

OP posts:
Zofia123 · 01/02/2019 13:05

Its not whether you leave but how you leave. Your instinct 'to leave' must be trusted and your fear about after you 'leave' must be trusted too. Research your plan to leave. Write in a diary all dates, times and events. Do not use your own computer if you fear he has control and use a friends phone. Prepare a place to live and move your children during the holiday. Be your own detective and only trust a very small number of people until you are out. Protect your children. Secrecy is key. Leave your phone and computer behind if you have to, buy new ones. Then go to a therapist to learn how to trust yourself and who to trust, and how to develop yourself in order to manage your world. Learn how to self-manage and not give so much of your decision making processes away. You are clearly bright and capable you have to learn the skills to match your intelligence. Only then will you recognise who to trust on the outside. There are amazing agencies out there and you clearly have friends that can help. Hope all goes well for you.

tenredthings · 01/02/2019 13:05

Delete your browsing history now ! Good luck , keep strong for you little ones!

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 01/02/2019 13:27

I can't delete it, as I am at work. He called me and sounded all bright and cheery, so I don't think he has a clue. I've got to keep up the pretence now and spend the weekend with him.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 01/02/2019 13:28

Good luck OP Thanks

Notsurprisedatall · 01/02/2019 13:28

Delete the browsing history and put your passports and other documents (benefit evidence etc) in your gym locker. Safer there than with him.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 01/02/2019 13:34

Why is he leaving early?

I don't want to fuel your paranoia, but is there any way he can be accessing your computer remotely? Are your devices linked?

When are you planning to leave?

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 01/02/2019 13:50

I don't think they are linked, but it could be a possibility (he works in IT, networking). His job finished early today because of the weather. He had mentioned he was going to try to leave early if he could. He's working about 100 miles away.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 01/02/2019 13:57

I've just changed my password to my mail etc, so hopefully that means its logged out on other devices.

OP posts:
Omzlas · 01/02/2019 15:02

I.just wanted to say that I think you're being incredibly strong and brave OP, you might not feel it now but you are

You've got this, honestly, you CAN do it Flowers

billybagpuss · 02/02/2019 08:35

How did it go last night, hope you're ok Flowers

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 02/02/2019 11:41

Hi ladies, I went last night and saw a police officer. They basically said I need to go through the mash to request Clare's law. I'm contacting them Monday. Ive told the police there is no abuse I just want to know if I need to be careful when we separate and need extra support when I leave. Im not tip toeing around him now he's home, but I'm very aware of his behaviour. My friend has been really supportive about it all and has made it all seem a lot more manageable. I'm going to get everything in order and make my plan to escape. The hard thing is pretending everything is ok and still having to sleep with someone who is making my skin crawl.

OP posts:
looondonn · 02/02/2019 11:46

Thinking of you

You sound amazing

And so brave

Please please keep posting here so many fantastic people here to help you 

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 02/02/2019 11:58

I don't feel brave at all, but I'm trying to find some inner strength. All this support has meant the world to me.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 02/02/2019 12:11

Well done op you will break free....on another note can you fake Thrush/period to avoid intimacy without suspicion.