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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

403 replies

nowheretorunorhide · 31/01/2019 13:30

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2019 20:09

The thing is, people with aspergers DO have feelings and if they care for somebody they may do something that looks a bit shitty from the outside, but would be mortified to be told that it was shitty, and would be very upset they had hurt you and try really hard not to do it again.

This is spot on with respect to my son.

Glitterandunicorns · 04/02/2019 20:27

Just wanted to echo the other posters here and say you are being really brave but you need to get out before your kids see any more than what they already have. They're not stupid and will pick up on dodgy vibes.

Women's aid have already told you he's abusive. I'm not really sure what the police can possibly say to you that you haven't already been told by women's aid.

Don't doubt yourself, OP. It's not you being over sensitive and it's not his Aspergers, because he doesn't actually have it and he lied to you about that. He is an abuser and you need to leave ASAP for the sake of your children.

Best of luck. Thanks

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 05/02/2019 09:07

I am aware it is abuse. All I want to know from calres law is if I need more support when leaving, do I need to up and leave when he's not there etc. I'm feeling uneasy today as I've left my phone at home with him. I had changed my pin code the other day anyway and I've set it to lost mode from my ipad, so i'm hoping that is safe enough. None of my notifications show up fully on my home screen anyway

OP posts:
BlimeyCalmDown · 05/02/2019 10:21

It's great you are finding out re Clare's Law but it could take some time before they get back to you. Regardless of what they say you should be leaving when he is not there, even if he hasn't hurt someone in the past he can still hurt you. Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time for a victim, even if they haven't done anything in the past.

The next time he goes to work you should leave, even if you have to go stay with your friend.

This thread is making me nervous, like reading a book where the main character keeps stalling and you just want to shout goooooooooooooo!

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 05/02/2019 10:40

@BlimeyCalmDown sorry I don't mean to make you feel nervous.

I've figured out he has tried to look at my ipad whilst I was out the other day as it was off when I left it, then turned on and moved when I was home. I had changed my passcode a few days before and there is no way he could guess it. I'm feeling nervous I've left my phone at home today, but I've set it to lost so he couldn't access it, not that he knows my code.

He is away this weekend for one night, so i'm thinking maybe this is the time to go, but not sure where I will go and what i'll do about school and work.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 05/02/2019 10:55

When I left, I went to a refuge, but I know that's harder these days. I took some annual leave from work. I wouldn't worry too much if your dcs have to miss school for a short while (and if they have to change). If he is a risk, you obviously do want to avoid being at any places (work, school) where he can intercept you.

The best thing is to get real-life allies and go through your options with them. Sorry if I've missed, but have you any family support? WA/IDVA are also good at helping you sort out a practical plan.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 05/02/2019 11:11

I've been speaking to womans aid who have been loads of help. I don't have any holiday until March and can't afford unpaid time off work. I'm so scared to leave and not knowing what he might do.

OP posts:
Glitterandunicorns · 05/02/2019 12:02

@nowheretorunorhide don't worry about having no annual leave or missing school. Your health and safety and that of the children is far more important.

I would respectfully suggest that it's not worth waiting for Clare's Law officers to tell you how to leave. Just leave as soon as he's not there (at work, visiting someone else etc). Don't tell him beforehand. Tell people in real life (colleagues/ friends/ family) and tell the school too.

You know he's been charged with harassment by two different ex partners. If you haven't already done so, tell the officers what he's already done to you. Don't minimise it. This can help you down the line if he does try to make things difficult, in that it will help them to properly assess any requests for assistance from them you may make.

Best of luck, OP. Please please don't delay and leave the very next time he goes out. I get that it is much easier said than done, but your children's safety is worth it. You may say they're not at risk, but while you're in this relationship, they are.

Look after yourself, OP.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 05/02/2019 12:08

I left my phone at home today, but I have my ipad. I set my phone as lost and got a phone call come through my ipad, before I had a chance to answer he must of picked up my phone at home. He then texted me to tell me he needed my pin number as he couldn't get the number back to send to me, even though he spoke to them and knew who it was. I told him the call had come through to my ipad so I would call back. Luckily it wasn't anything to do with him, but it didn't stop him asking what the call was to do with (mental health support).

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 05/02/2019 12:12

I honestly can't take time unpaid, I just don't have the money to do that and I think I would lose my job as I've had to take a fair amount of recently for children being sick. I'm also worried about leaving all my belongings, furniture, childrens toys etc that I have worked so hard for. I'm not minimising it, but he hasn't hit me, i'm not in immediate danger. I need to make sure my plan is full proof before I leave, which I am doing.

OP posts:
Iooselipssinkships · 05/02/2019 12:26

In regards to him having previous have you googled him? Sometimes convictions can be online, but then again not always. I'm frustrated at how long Clare's Law is taking for you, I thought it was a simple process of going to the station!
Those suicide attempts after break ups will more than likely be another extension of his control so please don't concern yourself with his mental health. He has done all this, not you.

Glitterandunicorns · 05/02/2019 12:29

Could you speak to your manager? I'm certain that in that position, they would work out a way to help you to take emergency paid leave or something. I know it's a difficult conversation to have, but perhaps worth considering?

I know you've worked hard for your possessions, but it's only stuff. What you can do is get yourself and the kids to a place of safety, then speak to the police (given you're already in contact re Clare's Law) and they will help you to recover your belongings. There are options, OP.

Glitterandunicorns · 05/02/2019 12:34

Clare's Law applications can take up to 35 days from the point of application to disclosure. In an emergency situation, I'm sure it would be quicker. In this case, if all the OP needs is advice on how to leave, then this advice is available elsewhere. The OP already knows he has previous for harrassment and that he is already controlling and abusive towards her.

OP, sorry, forgot to say, I understand you're going through the Clare's Law process, but you could just go to the Domestic Violence team (name varies across forces, but they'll have officers covering this) and explain the situation and they can help you. This way you won't need to wait for the Clare's Law application to go through.

SushiMonster · 05/02/2019 12:35

Abusive.

But for gods sake don’t even think about even looking at another man for about 5 years once you get out of this. You owe it to your children not to get into another shit situation.

SushiMonster · 05/02/2019 12:39

Re being practical about all your stuff - book a man with a van for the weekend when you said he will be out. And book a storage room. Then at least all your stuff is safe and out of there and you won’t have to start from scratch when you get something else.

RandomMess · 05/02/2019 12:53

Domestic violence unit is what the police team local to me is called too but they deal with any domestic "issues" not just violence, well worth a call and they can put a marker on your house and phone numbers in case you ever do need to dial 999. You should be able to find their non emergency number.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 05/02/2019 14:08

@Iooselipssinkships yes I've googled and nothing untowards comes up.

@RandomMess yes a marker has been put on my home and house when I saw the police last week. I'm waiting for multi agency to contact me back with some advice like the police told me too.

OP posts:
owl2015 · 05/02/2019 14:12

That's a really good suggestion from sushi. When is he away OP, and how long for? Can you enlist the help of a friend to get you moved out that day?

You also need to be off work that day (if it's a work day) so agree with pp who suggested speaking to your workplace.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 05/02/2019 14:17

I checked with him and he's out Saturday, but only for a few hours, otherwise he hasn't got anything else booked in that I'm aware of. Sometimes he can go away last minute though.

OP posts:
owl2015 · 05/02/2019 14:41

What about work- when and how long is he out the house for?

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 05/02/2019 14:43

@owl2015 he works from home and occasionally works away, but no idea when he'll be working away again.

OP posts:
Easylay · 05/02/2019 15:03

This is awful. It reminds me of my ex. Now dead thank God. Op you must find the strength to get out. Your kids need you

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 05/02/2019 20:13

I'm doing my best to get out. Someone from the mash has emailed saying they are calling tomorrow. My phone was locked earlier so I think he's been trying to get on it as he did know my old passcode.

OP posts:
Fabaunt · 05/02/2019 20:18

Oh god OP I have goosebumps reading this thread. Can anyone invite him on a night away? Can you have the police escort you? can you start moving little bits away from the house little by little? Passports/birth certs/photos

owl2015 · 05/02/2019 20:26

Definately do as pp says in terms of moving bits. You may not be able to move furniture but all you really need is baby and passport, ID, bank documents etc, plus evidence which you say you have sent to your friend..

Is there anything extra you can set up on your phone? I'm worried he will accidentally guess your 4 digit passcode. Can you set up Touch ID?