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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

403 replies

nowheretorunorhide · 31/01/2019 13:30

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Icandothis2019 · 31/01/2019 19:30

OP please go and see the police. They maybe able to help you get out of the house, collect your things etc if he's always around. Do you have family you can contact and stay with in the short term where you used to live.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 31/01/2019 20:09

I spoke again to the police and they know I'm not in any immediate danger. I see them tomorrow to get the ball rolling with Claire's law so I can hopefully find out anything else and how I need to protect myself when I leave. I'm contacting a local domestic violence service who will help me make a plan. I don't want to go in a refuge and I do have family in the next county, so I will do a housing application for that area. He's been away all week so I think he will be mr nice guy tomorrow when he gets back. I can see the pattern now. Thank you everyone who has given me the courage today to seek help and support. Im not going to lie and say I feel strong because right now I feel so scared and weak. I know this is for the best and I need to do it. I just need to stay strong and not get sucked back in.

OP posts:
MrsAJ27 · 31/01/2019 20:13

Well done OP, you are taking the right steps to get your children and you out of this unhealthy relationship.

Good Luck Flowers

Dragongirl10 · 31/01/2019 20:58

Well done op there is light at the end of this for you and your children,be brave even if you don't feel it.

VaggieMight · 31/01/2019 21:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

Readysteadygoat · 31/01/2019 21:12

Well done OP, wishing you all the very best

Gilead · 31/01/2019 22:34

Well done op you will feel so much better when this is sorted. Best thing I ever did.

Littlefrog99 · 01/02/2019 06:56

You may not think you're strong OP but you are, very much so. It takes great strength to take the first step and contact the police and domestic abuse services. I know this will be a very scary time for you right now but you're doing the right thing, you and your children deserve better. Good luck!

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 01/02/2019 09:27

He's coming home today and i'm dreading it. I need to go to the police station tonight, so I've said i'm going to the gym. I'm not sure how to stop him seeing where I am on my iPhone though. Does anyone know if I can just switch it off? That should work right?

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 01/02/2019 09:28

I'm also feeling guilty as i'm lying to him. I'm starting to doubt if I am over reacting to this all. I'm so confused.

OP posts:
Neverender · 01/02/2019 09:32

You may well feel nervous about speaking to the police but they only want to see you so they can make sure you and your children are safe. They will be able to offer support and help.

Neverender · 01/02/2019 09:34

Do you have an app on your phone which means he can track you? Delete it or change your settings. If he asks tell him you had to do a restore. Change your pass code and don't give it to him.

Please don't minimise what he's doing...stick to the facts and really listen to the advice they give you.

Neverender · 01/02/2019 09:38

Op - does this work?

Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?
Wild123 · 01/02/2019 09:41

do you have a locker at the gym you can put the phone into and then leave there whilst you go to the police station?

2cats2many · 01/02/2019 09:42

You are being incredibly brave and you are right to be careful and cautious.

You are doing the right thing and if you start to doubt yourself, read over your first post again and imagine how you would feel if this was a sister telling you that this stuff was happening to them.

You deserve so much better than this and happier times are ahead for you.

Bumblebee39 · 01/02/2019 09:48

Omg

I had to double triple check this to make sure it wasn't me writing this a year ago from the earlier posts because you are describing my ex to a T
He did not have aspergus he was just abusive

It didn't get better. It got worse... violence, sexual violence, etc.

Please get out while you still can

TabbyCat44 · 01/02/2019 09:50

Leave the phone at home.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 01/02/2019 09:51

@Wild123 that's a brilliant idea, I will do that.

I think if I turn them off he would be suspicious as why. I've texted my closest friend to tell her what's happening. None of my friends have any clue, but I know one of my friends isn't keen on him and he's not keen on her too, probably as he knows she figured him out.

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 01/02/2019 09:55

Please be careful as he maybe reading your texts and emails. If you can buy a cheap £10 phone and PAYG sim card to communicate with your bf and womans aid charities then do it. Good luck.

BlackCatSleeping · 01/02/2019 09:58

Good luck in leaving and be careful Flowers

MonicaGB · 01/02/2019 09:59

Not trying to be overly paranoid, but are you able to use another phone or laptop? I had an ex many many years ago who used to monitor my calls and emails (i wasn't allowed my own and had to use his). Someone else might be better placed to know whether that technology can be added to iPhones or a laptop. It just seems a bit suspicious that he's making you use technology that he's given you.

Sorry you are having to go through this, but you are definitely doing the right things.

MyFootHurts · 01/02/2019 09:59

Op you're doing the right thing by getting away from him. One word of warning though, especially as you are using his laptop, make sure you change all your passwords to this thread, so he doesn't get to find out that you're onto him. Also, make sure your phone (his old one) is properly password protected, chances are he can access it at will and will be checking your texts. Good luck with getting away safely.

butterfly56 · 01/02/2019 10:01

Do not feel guilty about having to lie to him.
You need to focus your strength on getting away one step at a time.
The most dangerous thing you can do is tell him that you are leaving.

You need to keep everything to yourself.
Do a full factory reset on your phone.
DO NOT sign back in to iCloud because if he has linked the 2 phones he will everything you do on it.
TURN OFF LOCATION SERVICES.

Have a Spring Clean and say you are taking stuff to charity shop...
Visit family and takes loads of stuff with you every visit...and asks them to store it for you.

Make sure you get all the important documents out of the house, birth certificates, bank statements, etc, etc store them at someones house.

You need to plan carefully and do not tell anyone about your plans who you might think will tell him.
DO NOT tell him you are leaving. Good Luck OP Flowers

MyFootHurts · 01/02/2019 10:01

Sorry, just X posted with the above. The cheap PAYG phone is a good idea.

Musereader · 01/02/2019 10:04

my abusive ex used to do things like this, especially then threatening to leave thing, my response was always that he was free to leave at any time, but he never did, he would ask me to pay for ever more expensive things that he would pay me back for but he never did and I got into £3k debt for him, he kept getting upset if I was not where he wanted me to be.

Your partner is abusive and good for you to make a plan to leave, the things he sold you a normal person would have simply given them to you, you did not need them and ikea crap is just fine, he is just looking for things to criticise about you to keep you in your place