To ask what your life is like, without...

[Enta]

What is your life like without children?

I've NC for this.

For those who have chosen not to have DC or not been able to have children, what does your life look like? Are you happy? What's the best/worst bits? For those who couldn't, how did you come to terms with it?

I'm having to face the fact that having a much wanted baby isn't going to happen for me & DH and I'm devestated. Trying to focus on changing my future projection as I feel life at the moment now looks very empty.

I had wanted a big family, I have no relatives of my own apart from DH. Life looks lonely and I'm not sure I can do this.

For your own sanity I'd ask you to really spend some time imagining what life without children would or could be like.

Lots of people with children will be along soon to tell you that without children they'd do endless travelling and emigrate to save the pandas and have an absolute fortune in cash etc etc. In actuality thats not achievable for most of us as we still have rent to pay and pensions to save for.

Things I've found help for me :

Having older child free female friends and role models

Having passions and hobbies I'm committed to and working on (mine are music and cycling)

Volunteering

Through this I have managed to build myself a rich life with lots of different people in it (and their children). It's not easy.

Id ask you also to consider that once you did have children, are you really going to be any less lonely? What about when they leave home? You owe it to yourself to build a rich healthy life regardless of offspring.

You can totally do this by the way. Have some time to grieve. Have counselling if you can afford it. Be kind to yourself.

Im very happy not having children. For various MH issues on both sides we have decided not to.

We have lovely lie ins with coffee and bacon sandwiches, go out for nice dinners, watch whatever films we want, we go on nice trips and do lots of travelling. We have "our son" - our big daft cat.

When we're older we plan on going on cruises and drinking wine in the sun.

A lot of our friends have children and we see how stressful and hard it is, and having long histories of stress, depression and anxiety we know we would not cope. And we don't want to have to try, we are very happy just the two of us.

I'm lucky enough to have a rich life now, with great hobbies and a career I love and I'm financially very comfortable. I have good friends, and adore my DH. But yes, my life will be emptier without DC. I'll never be 'mum'.

We have "our son" - our big daft cat.

😻

I'm sorry to hear that children aren't going to be an option for you .

I am childfree by choice. My life certainly isn't a whirlwind of holidays and crazy nights out, because I'm a person of quiet pleasures.

I do get lots of time to myself because once I have done the housework (shared with DH) my time is my own, and not having children means not too much housework (e.g.) we normally only need to do one or two loads of washing a week; there are no toys etc. littering the house. I spend most evenings after work relaxing.

I can plan more easily for my financial future because I don't have to worry about children's university fees, and I have no one to leave anything to, so all my money is my own and I'll have the option in later life of selling my house or releasing my equity without feeling guilty.

We can please ourselves when we choose holidays and leisure activities. We can also take our holidays at cheap times by avoiding school holiday periods.

I am devoted to my pets and they fill any need I have for cuddles with something small and loving!

I'm happy with my choice.

I am another who is child-free by choice. In comparison with friends who are parents, I seem to have more money, more time and more energy than if I'd had children.

I have had a surprising number of friends who confide in me that although they love their children more than anything, given their time again they'd have chosen not to have children because of lack of financial freedom, feeling stuck in unhappy marriages and/or jobs or the sheer strain of their children's lives not being as expected (disability, alcoholism etc.).

Thanks all. X

I have kids but I could tell you what I fantasise about if I didn't.

Uninterrupted sleep. Lie-ins.

A small, simple home.

Years and years avoided of not having to worry about childcare; being able to go out whenever to wherever. Just plain not being responsible for other people.

A zillion career options. Never deciding what job to do based on juggling lives & needs of other people.

No teenager grumbling slightly hysterically at his homework on my bedroom floor 2 hrs after my bedtime.

Not hearing about DD's sex life.

Not listening to eldest teen's extreme political views and wondering if they are my fault.

No headaches wondering how truthful I should be with DC about my own drug use as a teenager (LOTS).

Nobody on MN calling me arsey & a control freak b/c I don't fund my teen's every desire.

No school gate politics, no parents stopping me in street to complain about DS or clubs threatening to kick him out. No obvious social shunning of DS (& siblings sometimes by association) b/c parents (and at least one teacher) have decided he's a thug due to my bad parenting (totally different opinions from teachers at next school).

No cleaning vomit off a sleeping child at 3am. Nobody to give me norovirus.

Travelling to lots of interesting places. Child-free friends just jumped on a very cheap flight to a cheap exotic beautiful hot place, for 2 weeks, with 2 days notice. (I'm looking outside at bitter frost, grimly)

I have kids but I could tell you what I fantasise about if I didn't

Sorry but my question is irrelevant to you. I appreciate your post is well intended but hearing what people who are lucky enough to have kids tell me what they don't like about having them really isn't helpful.

I think freedom from responsibilities is a big one for me. Since my last dog died I can afford three foreign holidays a year and often a spontaneous night or weekend away.

(I do miss the limitless love between me and my dogs, but I don't miss getting up early in all weathers to walk them before work and the endless cleaning).

(I found ragged's post very interesting, but I appreciate this isn't my thread).

I think there will be a big contrast in responses from people who are child-free by choice (who will be happy and content in this status) and those who desperately want children but for whatever reason haven't been able to have them (who are probably more into finding coping mechanisms etc.)

I'm in the latter camp - three failed rounds of donor egg IVF so far and it's devastating. Not only have I already had to come to terms with not having my own babies, I'm now at the point where I'm trying to get my head around never being pregnant with donor eggs, never holding my newborn, never watching my children grow up and it hurts. It hurts a lot. We need to decide whether to try more IVF, or go down the adoption route - but both of those are full of what-ifs and fears.

DH is amazing - he says he married me not child-potential and although he'd love a family, he wanted me to be his life partner and if we don't have kids then so be it, we'll make life wonderful in other ways. He deserves a family though - he'd be the best dad and failing him is killing me.

My gut feeling is that I'm going to have to get my head round being childless - so I'll be watching this thread with interest.

We are childfree by choice.

There was a time when career and travel felt important. Once we got bored of working and had done enough travel for a lifetime we realised that we still didn't want children. Just didn't want to do all the hard work and the lifetime responsibility.

I never envy people with small children but sometimes i think that having grown up children would probably be nice. I like the idea of the whole family round the diner table.

However, I really love our life. I have a lot of time on my hands, i love the simple stuff like chilling in bed with a coffee or pottering round the garden. Not having to worry about putting kids through university has allowed us to take our foot off the pedal at a fairly young age (which is great as i hate working!). We now both contract here and there, generally with at least a couple of months break between contracts. I am a bit of a free spirit and I love to have a life that is unstructured and with limited responsibilities. It doesn't mean that it is wild, it just means that there are few demands on me.

We never feel lonely, have a decent circle of friends and family but generally love just being the two of us. Of course this could change but ultimately i couldn't just have children as a type of insurance (old age/loneliness).

I am sure it is difficult to come to term with a future which isn't exactly what you were hoping for, but I hope that it works out well for you

Childfree by choice. I don't earn a lot of money, so I don't have lots of flash holidays (added to which I hate flying). I'm single and that's the only thing that makes me unhappy. I can pursue my hobbies and interests as I want to, when I want to, without worrying how to fit them in (or not) around school runs, or sick children. If I want to just lounge around on a Sunday I bloody well can! I have friends who don't have kids, so see them quite a lot and I have friends who have small kids who I see less and I have friends who have much older kids who I see more often. A feeling of freedom, I suppose.

Here's another thing.

DP and I went to our friends for dinner and stayed over the night. Their baby was about 8m old at the time, was a very good girl in the evening and went to sleep nicely, didnt make any fuss or anything.

We stayed up until about 3am, got through 5 bottles of wine between 4 of us and about half a bottle of gin.

In the morning we all felt like death, the DD was up and awake at 5am, my poor friend (DM of baby) was puking with her hangover and had to take the baby to a nursery friend's birthday party that morning, she was almost in tears at the prospect of spending her hangover at a loud soft play centre with 20 other kids whilst running to the toilet to be sick.

DP and I went home, got our duvet on the sofa, had tea and toast all morning and binge watched Twin Peaks and snoozed.

I wouldn't have wanted to switch places that morning!

Pickled0nion (I found ragged's post very interesting, but I appreciate this isn't my thread)

You're right - I was over-sensitive, sorry @ragged and thanks for posting.

@RedPandaFluff I'm sorry you're in a similar boat. For us it's the reverse, as in, the reason for our infertility is my DH. And I've found myself saying the same things to reassure him; but I know the guilt (that he shouldn't feel) weighs heavily on his mind. But I wouldn't want children with anyone else and feel it's very much a shared issue, it's not that he can't have children, it's that we can't.

If that makes any sense at all.

sorry to hear this, I am in the same situation after multiple miscarriages and time running out.

You will get through to a sunnier place, but it is tough.

Do find contemporaries and people who understand. The festishisation of motherhood in our society is extreme and it can make you feel invisible, but you must remember that you have as much right to have a good life and love as women who are lucky enough to be mothers. They will be wrapped up in their own worlds, and often can only bring themselves to offer pity, which is no good. We need to find our own way to make life meaningful, and be valued for it.

Have a look at Gateway Women. There's a lot of useful stuff on there about going through the grief process, which in my experience can't be skipped, but is well worth giving time to.

Wishing you all the best with your new life, perhaps not how you wanted it to be, but with wonderful things ahead nonetheless.

Enta, "For those who have chosen not to have DC or not been able to have children", those two groups are very different states of mind.

You go on to say that you are unable to have children that you wanted, so I'd suggest you focus on responses that are in the same boat as you; otherwise I fear it will make you feel worse.

We are very lucky that ivf worked and I’m pregnant. This is so unlikely we actually planned for life without a child.

We have a dog and had planned to get a second.

We’d planned to move more rurally, so the dogs could have more space and I could have a big garden.

We’d started looking at overseas work opportunities. Perhaps easier for us as we’ve lived all over the uk and already have done a few years overseas. It wouldn’t mean a career change really.

DH had looked at dropping a day at work and focusing on his hobby (which could be a small business but not a big money spinner).

I’m already mid career change. Gave up my long hours, office based proper job and started an informal apprenticeship with a photographer. I love it. The plan was to also do a bit of freelance writing and perhaps I will do that once I’ve got my feet back under me.

So nothing big or earth shattering. Just small changes to make us happier day to day.

Hi Enta,

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

I am suffering from recurrent miscarriages and have no idea whether or not I will ever have a living child.

I don't know what my life will be like without children. I'm sorry I can't really answer your question yet.

But I can tell you it gets ever so slightly easier as time goes on, it's still hard, but I find more positives in each day as they go on.

I'm wishing you the best, you aren't alone

One of my favourite people in the world is my Aunty who remained childfree despite her best efforts. I know she has had a little cry every time someone close to her has fallen pregnant however she through herself into her role as Aunt and was a friend, mentor and second mother figure to my brothers and I. She also has lived and worked overseas and travelled a lot. She keeps herself busy with hobbies and has an active social life. I believe she will always feel some sadness about not having her own kids, but she has lived an interesting and meaningful life.

Our lives are very much full of travel, and dogs. DH complained last week that he didn’t go anywhere last year. We then counted 7 countries that he’d been to in the year excluding work trips.

We have more dogs than is ever necessary, but all older rescues looking for a retirement rug to sleep on for their last few years.

We have more dogs than is ever necessary

We foster with the Dog's Trust, it's very rewarding.

I have (very) long list of (emotionally) painful experiences due to having had children. I have forgotten most of the good times. Doesn't feel lucky.