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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your life is like, without...

120 replies

Enta · 31/01/2019 07:27

What is your life like without children?

I've NC for this.

For those who have chosen not to have DC or not been able to have children, what does your life look like? Are you happy? What's the best/worst bits? For those who couldn't, how did you come to terms with it?

I'm having to face the fact that having a much wanted baby isn't going to happen for me & DH and I'm devestated. Trying to focus on changing my future projection as I feel life at the moment now looks very empty.

I had wanted a big family, I have no relatives of my own apart from DH. Life looks lonely and I'm not sure I can do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Enta · 31/01/2019 14:47

Peachgreen thanks for posting, reading the replies I'm feeling a bit stronger. You're all inspiring, children or not, to be fulfilled with your lives.

I have a great deal to be thankful for, I'm going to focus on what I do have.

And maybe adopt a permenant rescue dog. And let him eat at the table. And give him a Proper name like Albert or George.

OP posts:
Cautionsharpblade · 31/01/2019 14:48

I love my life. I have a nice home and a job that I love. It doesn’t pay well but I don’t need much money as it’s just me. The job gives me a lot of flexibility so I have a lot of holidays and weekends away. I go out to gigs/cinema/theatre a lot. And I mean a lot, about 400 trips a year. I love food so I eat out a lot too. I’ve got loads of friends and loads of cats. I am always doing exactly what I want to be doing. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it suits me well.

Squickety · 31/01/2019 14:48

And maybe adopt a permenant rescue dog. And let him eat at the table. And give him a Proper name like Albert or George.

Yes!!

Lolipop44 · 31/01/2019 15:06

I have a bill he's the best dog ever and truly is just like a big baby Smile

Mangoo · 31/01/2019 15:12

I honestly second the dog idea. We got one when we were in the thick of it with our struggles and it's the best decision we've ever made.

It's still hard but it's easier with him. He gets me out of the house and gives all his love unconditionally when I don't love myself. He's such a precious soul, I can't thank God enough for him.

Original poster
Enta · 31/01/2019 15:36

I think I need pictures of the pooches!

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 31/01/2019 16:26

If you like dogs and have the time for one, I too recommend a dog (or cats). The unconditional love is wonderful! They do give you something to talk about as well, in the sort of conversational gaps where others would talk about their DC.

MoominAnna · 31/01/2019 22:38

Yes my dog is ridiculously baby-like too. As in she climbs onto my lap, rolls onto her back in my arms voluntarily and taps my face gently to ask for kisses and then lies there sighing with contentment. I have tried to tell her she's a dog but she isn't having it.

She loves me so much, it's been very healing. I can't share a photo, I'm afraid, as it's too outing but definitely get one.

ScreamingValenta · 31/01/2019 23:06

Despite its being a disdain-incurring practice on MN, I refer to myself as 'mummy' when talking to my dog and cat.

Calvinsmam · 31/01/2019 23:07

Despite its being a disdain-incurring practice on MN, I refer to myself as 'mummy' when talking to my dog and cat

I do too

Dairymilkmuncher · 01/02/2019 00:32

I know you weren't very keen on hearing from parents it's just another angle for you.

When I was getting those negative pregnancy tests I was only imagining missing out on baby cuddles, dance classes and proud parents evenings. I never thought about holding little baby hands in intensive care not sure if he would come off the ventilator, I'm still the lucky one that got to take him home after that hospital stint because there was another mum having to plan a funeral instead of a birthday party. I'm going to have heartache, pain and anxiety for the rest of my life after seeing the things I did in there and knowing there will be more surgery.

I hope you can see the positive in any way life spans out for yourself, I'm trying my hardest to do the same Thanks

moredoll · 01/02/2019 00:39

Would you consider fostering children?

Parthenope · 01/02/2019 00:47

I'm another person who did, in the end, have a child, but I'll say this, OP, from the perspective of someone who never planned to have children, before changing her mind and having one aged 40 -- having spent far more of my adult life child-free than I have as a mother, I am absolutely certain that my life without a child would have been just as valid, full and interesting, only differently so.

I wish you the very best.

EggplantsForever · 01/02/2019 01:01

I have no doubt one can live a fullfilling life without having kids (I feel stupid to even type this sentence as it is just completely obvious to me).

But I want to say some unpopular but honest thing: stop calling pets your “kids”. Pets are great, they help to sublimate some of the need to take care of someone, but they are incredibly far from being children. The difference is, pets exist to fulfill your needs. Once you have kids you start existing to fulfill theirs. It’s just very different.

Anyone who actually has kids knows it and many internally cringe or laugh or are annoyed when a childless person says it, but of course we won’t say it to your face. Just don’t do it, it’s silly.

StoppinBy · 01/02/2019 01:24

I agree with you that anyone who has kids should step aside from answering this question.

One of my closest friends is going through something like you and I know that in a heartbeat she would give up anything on Ragged's list to have a baby and it is very insensitive to list all the things you 'would do' if you didn't have children, very easy to say it when it actually is a choice for you.

treeogal · 01/02/2019 01:25

I thought my life would be the same experience of yours, and it devastated me. Sure I like a holiday and hobbies but it could never replace having a family. I had several friends going through the same thing.

I want to let you know you aren't alone and encourage you. Most of us are now parents. Some through donor sperm or egg, some through adoption, some through defying the scientific odds, for many a mix of the three - adopted then a birth child or donor sperm then adoption, or donor eggs resulting in twins. If you want a family please know there are options. Maybe not your first choice I do understand, but they can still give you family if you come to a place of being open to it - and it's okay not to be too!

Wishing you the very best.

BiteyShark · 01/02/2019 01:44

The difference is, pets exist to fulfill your needs. Once you have kids you start existing to fulfill theirs. It’s just very different. Anyone who actually has kids knows it and many internally cringe or laugh or are annoyed when a childless person says it, but of course we won’t say it to your face. Just don’t do it, it’s silly.

Lots of us childless people don't actually care whether someone who has children mocks us for loving our pets. I think it says a lot about a person who looks down on others in that way.

OP I am childfree by choice so yes I am happy with my life. I hope that you also find your happiness.

getawayslough · 01/02/2019 01:58

having no kids and single i am close friends with a single mumof 2 kids and see how draining and taxing it is, she is forever working to pay for them and spent many years struggling,she also has terrible tension with 1 of them....

Another mate of mine is married but her husband is horrid ....

Believe me the things that people chase and we are led to believe are the be alls be it high flying careers, kids, partners, homes etc. are all too often overrated and people who have them become disillusioned and can all toon often become unhappy with 'the dream' . Nothing is perfect in this life and the happiness of having something is never guaranteed,the grass is always greener....

Winterberriesonatree · 01/02/2019 02:09

I completely understand why people who are childless by choice or otherwise might think that parents should step away from this thread. I will add my post in spite of this.

We had two children from twenties onwards and have spent our entire lives making sure their needs were met. I would not choose otherwise.

In the last few months the eldest has gone to London to start a new career and is doing well. Our youngest is moving out at the weekend also to start a new career after uni as a mature student.

We have spent the best years of our lives bringing up our kids and they are finally achieving what we hoped they would be able to do in life. They have had educational chances that we never had, both of us leaving school at 16. No regrets whatsoever.

Yet from now on we are just two old codgers, who have to get on with our own lives and it is actually quite scary. We need to start finding new interests in life, as hobbies have been sidelined for years by the need to provide financial support for our kids going through uni.

LondonHuffyPuffy · 01/02/2019 02:28

Oh Eggplant... you could have just read the thread, rolled your eyes a bit at what you perceive as silliness, and moved on... but you just couldn’t help yourself, could you? You come across as the sort of supercilious arse that gives MN a bad name. You claim you wouldn’t say that to someone’s face, but you just did. These are real women posting on this thread. Real people. Don’t come on to a thread like this and try to shame people. It’s just nasty.

I don’t have a pet at the moment but if I did and I chose to call it my baby, that would be none of your damn business.

Enta - my story is almost exactly the same as Squickety’s. I thought kids would be a part of my life but it just didn’t turn out that way for DH and I. I do have an awesome grown up DSS but he lives in another country. He’s visiting us at the moment and it’s been wonderful having him here but I am not his Mum. I came to terms with it a couple of years ago (I am almost 47 now) and whilst there have been some seriously sad and wobbly moments, I am mostly ok with it. DH and I have a comfortable, nice life. I can be frivolous with my money. We can do things as we wish and without planning. We had the money to bring DH’s family over to stay with us for a month, spontaneously.

There’s a bit of a shadow on our life at the moment because I was recently diagnosed with a life-limiting illness and my first thought, when I heard the diagnosis, was ‘thank God I don’t have kids’. I can’t imagine being a Mum and having to juggle parental responsibilities with the treatment I am going through. Oddly fortuitous, for me anyway. Not exactly a silver lining but it means that DH and I can concentrate on me and him (he has also had a period of ill health).

I hope you find peace and balance in your life. There are some truly lovely posts on this thread and lots of food for thought.

Apart from AubergineViper. Ignore her.

MirriVan · 01/02/2019 02:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pickled0nion · 01/02/2019 04:58

Winterberriesonatree your post made me understand why some posters had requested that parents not respond.

shiveringtimber · 01/02/2019 05:27

It's certainly very different if you want children but can't have them to not wanting them at all. I think you either need to find an alternative means of including children in your life, such as adoption or foster-parenting, or making the "best" of being child-free, as in gradual acceptance. It is a real loss for someone who definitely wants to have children with their partner, and should be treated as a such. If you can afford counselling, OP, please try it. Anyway, I believe that, with or without counselling, you'll eventually make peace with what cannot be and find happiness in what can. Thanks

MoominAnna · 01/02/2019 06:28

Yet from now on we are just two old codgers, who have to get on with our own lives and it is actually quite scary. We need to start finding new interests in life, as hobbies have been sidelined for years by the need to provide financial support for our kids going through uni.

Honestly, everyone has stuff in life and I do understand why you feel daunted but this wasn't the most sensitive thing to have posted. People without children know there are many hard moments on a parenting journey and facing an empty nest must be hard but you absolutely a million miles from the op's position. I wonder if you quite get that.

You are facing potential grandchildren, your childrens' weddings, their graduations, you have all your happy memories of bringing up your children (although I know it won't all have been easy). Yoy might feel daubted but I'm sure you have lots of other positive times ahead of you now your children are independent.

As I said, miles away.

MoominAnna · 01/02/2019 06:32

Anyone who actually has kids knows it and many internally cringe or laugh or are annoyed when a childless person says it, but of course we won’t say it to your face. Just don’t do it, it’s silly.

Grin What a dickish thing to post on this thread. I'm embarrassed for you.

Silly old barren people, eh, not understanding the difference between a dog and a human child. It only reflects on you that you're thinking we're idiots.