To ask what your life is like, without...

[Enta]

What is your life like without children?

I've NC for this.

For those who have chosen not to have DC or not been able to have children, what does your life look like? Are you happy? What's the best/worst bits? For those who couldn't, how did you come to terms with it?

I'm having to face the fact that having a much wanted baby isn't going to happen for me & DH and I'm devestated. Trying to focus on changing my future projection as I feel life at the moment now looks very empty.

I had wanted a big family, I have no relatives of my own apart from DH. Life looks lonely and I'm not sure I can do this.

OP I wanted children but it never happened for DH and me. I’m now in my late 50s and looking forward to taking voluntary early retirement later this year which probably would not be possible had I taken time off to have children. I recommend a pet, we have had dogs for many years but are in between at the moment (our last one had to be put to sleep a few months back). Thinking of doing dog fostering for Dog’s Trust. I joined Gateway Women which is fantastic.

Anyone who actually has kids knows it and many internally cringe or laugh or are annoyed when a childless person says it

I don't understand why someone with children would care what someone without children called their pets .

I wasn’t particularly hell-bent on having children, but when I finally realised that it actually wasn’t going to be possible for us, it was frightening. My life seemed to yawn open ahead of me and the future looked very big and empty. I think having children gives your life its own purpose, so you sort of become almost a passenger in your own life: you exist for them. Without children, you are firmly in the driving seat of your life. You have to find things that give your life purpose, and while in some ways that is a very scary prospect it’s also very liberating when your get your head around it. I felt that approaching 40 was the ‘end’ in a lot of ways, but once I got through the grieving process I realised that 40 is so young! I have literally maybe half my life still to go and there is no formula to follow as I’m not restricted by the rigmarole of childrearing. We are very well off, have fantastic careers and lots of expensive holidays. All the free time in the world. Basically everything people with children daydream about. But none of that gives me purpose: that’s something beyond money, holidays, career goals. I’m still looking for it but sometimes it seems close, othertimes - particularly at Christmas or when I’m with my friends who have families and their lives seems chaotic and messy but somehow full - it can seem forever away. Without wanting to sound glib, I know I am in charge of my own destiny. Life isn’t going to hand me my reason for being, i have to go and find it.

And ignore the comments about pets not being children. No shit! But fuck me if our dog doesn’t bring us endless joy and fulfil our nuturing instincts in a big way. I wouldn’t be without him.

Eggplant how unpleasant. I hope you've taught your children more empathy.

And OP

Winterberriesonatree

That's completely different to the OPs situation. Please do not compare your children leaving home with struggling with infertility. This is honestly one of those times where, as I said up thread, I think 'at least you have your bloody children!'

Eggplant what a horrible person you are. You should be ashamed.

I'll tell you what makes me cringe... On threads like this where some posters can't help but come and twist the knife despite it being about such a sensitive topic. It's an anonymous forum yes but you should still be kind. I can't believe how nasty some people are, I really hope you teach your children more empathy than you appear to have.

It's also usually met with the bog standard comment of 'but I wouldn't say it to someone in real life' despite just saying it to someone in real life.

You're either a complete idiot and think you're talking to make believe people or you just don't care about being a kind human being.

@enta - people say the grass is always greener on the other side, in that whether you have children or not, you will envy others who have the opposite. I don’t think that’s true and (at least now after several years of knowing I will be child free) I don’t envy others and wouldnt wish envy as an emotional norm or accepted emotion on anyone.

The grass is greener where you water it. You deserve a wonderful life!

I love my freedom. I don’t have to carefully plan my weekend months in advance. If plans change last minute, such that I go somewhere else or stay out longer, that’s fine. This is also why I don’t have pets. I remember before Christmas I met my boyfriend for lunch. This then ended up in a nearby bar that I love because it has wee books and crannies you can disappear into with a glass or wine. I saw on FB a friend was around the corner and so we met them and it turned into a unexpected, perfect, Christmassy, slightly boozy afternoon. It wouldn’t have been the same if I’d planned it all out.

My money is my own to spend, save and budget. Sometimes I feel great about bulking up my pension and sometimes I feel great about those expensive boots I just bought.

My time belongs to me. Sometimes I give it to others, like when I volunteer at a local food bank or give blood. Sometimes I indulge myself with my book and endless coffee in a cafe I love.

I love to read and have made friends at a book club, who I socialise with in other ways. Same thing with the gym and the classes I love there.

I keep strong, fit and healthy and this makes me feel good about myself. Again, I have time to cooo, eat and exercise for me and not others.

It’ll take time @enta of course! Allow yourself to slowly build the life that you and your DH deserve and will cherish for years.

Oh my goodness... NOOKS (not books) and crannies, COOK (not cooo) and numerous other errors. Sorry!

stop calling pets your kids”

But what if I have a baby goat?

But seriously thank you again to the posters sharing all their experiences. I've woken up in a much better frame of mind for reading them.

I think a PP had it spot on for me when she mentioned life purpose - I just need to find another route and just because it looks different to how I assumed it would be, doesn't mean it won't be fulfilling.

And to answer a few who have asked; yes, I would consider fostering & adoption but I am (more-or-less) recovered from PTSD after a few traumatic events in my childhood and I always assumed because of this in my past I wouldn't be eligible.

Anyone who’s ever had a cat knows they certainly don’t ‘exist to meet [the owner’s] needs’. They do what the hell they like and callously use us to get their needs met. Most of us love them for it.

My cat may be small and soft but she definitely isn’t a baby. In cat years she’s about 50 and definitely acts like a mature woman who gives no fucks. Kind of how I aspire to be at 50, tbh.

I made a conscious decision when I was about 15 to not have kids. Lots of things made me realise it just wasn't for me even at that age. For a lot of the girls at my school (leaver at 1980) it was their only dream. I just always thought there must be more to life. I watched both my parents work at manual jobs struggling to pay the rent or mortgage with 3 kids and 2 of us were bloody horrible teenagers- my younger brother was locked up twice for vandalism crimes and I was a bit wayward and not a nice person either at that time. I seen the heartache she went through and my dad wasn't much help. We've all turned out ok but seeing all that just turned me off kids for life lol.
I've not had bad life, I'm not rich but happy and with absolutely no regrets at not having kids. I

Anastascia ‘s comment about being in the drivers seat rings true. For health reasons it’s very unlikely I’ll be able to have children - I keep it to the back of my mind if I’m being honest. It’s a lot to consider / process.

Luckily I have a wonderful neighbour who is child free and now in her 70s, and she’s my point of reference.

It seems her life has had a very different pace - she had the freedom to move abroad, move job etc whenever she wanted. Her interests are very varied - I remember her saying this wasn’t the case when she started out, that she felt she had to pretend to take interests in various clubs etc at first (and then actually found ones she loved!). She’s lived a very very active life, just by having more time - she’s quite lazy in some ways (love her!), she isn’t a do-it-all. But she has done more, as she didn’t have childcare requirements.

She’s also been married for nearly 50 years and her marriage is perhaps more of equals (at least than parents seen in my extended family).

Hi Enta.
I can understand how you feel as I am in the same position
It was a slight problem with both us us that added up to infertility, alhough I did become pregnant but had a miscarriage at 5 weeks.To say i was devastated is an understatement !
I bevame almost obsessed after that for a few months but never got pregnant again.
I remember talking to my husband and we decided to stop trying, put each other first and came to terms with it.It was like a weight lifting.
We have a very good life together, travel, have a nice home and a new car last year.
To be honest I prefer our life now, it's easy.We do het the odd tactless comment such as "Who's going to look after you when you get old "sort of thing !!.
You can do this, life will get easier and to be honest there's no choice really, unless you adopt or foster.Good luck and take care.

EggplantsForever what a prize cnt you are. What an interesting lack of empathy you possess

I'm childless through circumstance and very sad about it so it's been really helpful reading some of the responses. I can't have children because my health is v poor and am struggling with a couple of chronic conditions so I can't climb mount Kilimanjaro, travel the world or through myself into my job either which makes it tricky. What helps for me is trying my best to focus on the small stuff that makes me happy: having 2 cats, a tidy house, crafty stuff, going out for nice food when I'm well enough etc. I'm a long way from making peace with it and feel very disconnected from my peers who all have kids and v busy different lives to me but am hoping somehow I can find my way through the grief.

@Squickety that was a beautiful post. Echos my situation but couldn't have described it so eloquently.

@EggplantsForever

Though I have no doubt that people with kids can have empathy and not be a prize cunt about childless people.

I just want to say this one thing.
Every time a someone with children condescends is we roll our eyes. Stop it. We don’t exist to fulfil your needs of propping up the hierarchy of life experiences with children being at the top and every time someone points out to us that our pets aren’t our children we cringe inside.

You might not know but we do.

Calvinsmam but of course you'd never say that in real life

Eggplant, take your head to a wobble love.

For a

It makes me want to call myself mummy more to be honest.
Maybe get a jumper with a picture of their faces and ‘mummies little angels’ printed on.

Every time I go to the vets they call me mum . Those pesky stupid vets and some of them even have children. I am sure though Eggplants will put them right in private

OP so glad you have woken up feeling better.

Childfree by choice here, which is obviously a completely different scenario to someone who wants, but is unable to have, children.

We lead a quiet but very satisfying life. Our home is a calm oasis. We both work hard, but enjoy cooking dinner together after work, over a glass of wine and chat about our day. Our weekends are full of the usual cleaning, shopping, laundry, but we do a lot of walking, gallery visiting, pub lunches with friends. We go to concerts and gigs.

We do travel quite a bit - we have lived and worked abroad for extended periods. I love our holidays because they're all about what we want to do - not a theme park or bucket and spade in sight!

We both have 'hobbies' - or rather things we like doing. We spend time with friends and family.

One of the main things which always put me off having kids was having to spend time with other kids! I know if we had had children, we would have loved them and done our best to provide them with the best childhood ever, but the endless rounds of playdates, sports clubs, cubs, homework etc would have driven me to distraction.

Looking at the lives of couples with children from the outside, our lives are less frenetic, stressful. Our marriage appears happier and more solid. We have numerous friends and family members whose marriages haven't survived the kids - my lovely SIL lost all respect for her DH after he abrogated responsibility for their long awaited DD, all of a sudden having to work 12 hour days so he missed bath and bed-time etc. They're still together but their DD is off to university next year and I know DSIL is weighing up her options.

The sheer angst that some friends have gone through with their children - self harm, depression, drugs, going off the rails educationally etc, rarely seeing their children and grandchildren. Don't get me wrong - most of our family and friends have the most delightful children, but pretty much every one of them has had a period of misery getting to that stage!

And lots of noise pisses me off..............

I have a child so don’t think I can contribute. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

I just wanted to say that I think of my 2 cats as my other children. My pets are a great comfort and company. I wanted to say that after the comment upthread, we don’t all feel that way. They are not substitutes for my child, but they are dependents and I love them.

Enta, I never quite got the 'life's purpose' bit about having kids. What do parents do when the kids are all grown up and move to the other side of the world? Go into slow decline? My life has plenty of purpose and happiness and joy and love and enjoyment.

Tangledyarn