To ask what your life is like, without...

[Enta]

What is your life like without children?

I've NC for this.

For those who have chosen not to have DC or not been able to have children, what does your life look like? Are you happy? What's the best/worst bits? For those who couldn't, how did you come to terms with it?

I'm having to face the fact that having a much wanted baby isn't going to happen for me & DH and I'm devestated. Trying to focus on changing my future projection as I feel life at the moment now looks very empty.

I had wanted a big family, I have no relatives of my own apart from DH. Life looks lonely and I'm not sure I can do this.

I did apologise for my response.

I understand where you're coming from OP.

I mean this with no disrespect to anyone but it's awfully hard to accept that having children can be anything other than a lovely experience when you'd give anything to be able to yourself and it's extremely easy to fall into the mindset of 'well at least you have your child(ren)'. I often find myself thinking this way.

I have lots of friends who's responses were 'well at least you can do this or that' or 'its not all its cracked up to be'... It doesn't help and it isn't nice to hear.

I hope you don’t mind my response to this. We haven’t given up on the idea of children yet, but we’ve been TTC for a long time and it has been very upsetting, and has got us thinking about the fact that it might not happen and whether we could be happy knowing that. Our lives are pretty full though, and that’s something we’ve done intentionally.

We have a mutual hobby (I actually run the local club for it) and that takes up a lot of our free time. More than we could ever put into it with kids, and it sometimes involves travelling to events and staying overnight. We have other hobbies that we’re less involved in, but can still spend time on at home, totally guilt free. We’re both gamers, and I don’t think the average parents get to write a day off playing a game together. We don’t go on loads of holidays because we aren’t rich, but when we do it’s during term time and not child friendly holidays. We have a cat who is massively important to us, and although he wouldn’t tolerate another right now, our long term plans are to always have rescue cats.

We’re involved with nieces and nephews, with two of our nephews in particular spending a lot of time with us. 16 year old DN (DH godson) stays every weekend. You’d think this would hurt, having kids around that aren’t ours, but it doesn’t feel that way at all.

Basically our lives are comfortable and happy, but at the moment it still feels like there’s something missing and we will keep trying. We do kind of have an end point, where we will say that we will stop and accept what we have (I’ve always had an age in mind where I didn’t want to have kids after that), and I think it’ll be easier to have a definite no than the endless maybe I feel after TTC for so long. Filling our lives with stuff we enjoy has definitely helped though.

Some really good contributions here. OP, hope they are helping with your visualisations, and for you.

Me and DH are early 30s. Not exactly childfree - we initially wanted kids and were trying for a while. Then we took a step back, along the lines of ‘woah, we’re just about to sleepwalk into being parents without thinking too hard about what we really want’. We realised we quite like our life as is and neither of us actually have an overwhelming want to reproduce, it’s just biological clocks and social expectations.

We’re not rolling in cash or going on cruises, but we do have substantially more disposable income than our childed friends, which gives us security against future uncertainty and more options in terms of what kind of work we want to do. We have good friends and can host gatherings at ours or meet them for regular socialising. We can sleep. We have a cat who we love to pieces. We can practice our hobbies and develop our talents, which we have time for, not being responsible for a small human.

I also feel I can do an ethical thing for the planet by being one of the people who doesn’t replace themselves. We do need parents and children if we don’t want to die out, but we also need childless/childfree people to get the population to a more sustainable level.

I would love to be an auntie - I do sometimes daydream about being able to teach a child, or how I would explain various things to them. I feel sad to be missing that aspect of parenting, but on the whole it isn’t passing a cost/benefit analysis at the moment. I am looking forward to spending the coming decades loving my DH, building strong friendships and learning everything I can.

One of the things that has occurred to me recently is that being childless results in losing people. I've realised that two wonderful women - who up until recently were my close friends; we were a wine-downing, dancing-on-tables triumvirate! - have drifted away because they had babies within weeks of each other. They no longer want to meet in town for after-work drinks, but they meet up often during the day with the babies as they're both on mat leave. Naturally they've grown even closer whereas I have almost nothing in common with them anymore.

I completely understand that things have changed, and I love them both, they're incredible women, but it feels like a loss, and it's quite painful.

“We have more dogs than is ever necessary, but all older rescues looking for a retirement rug to sleep on for their last few years.”

You lovely person MardAsSnails! Older rescues are so often overlooked.

Never wanted children, so I never had them, so coming from a very different mindset. We have a lovely life, pursued our careers, emigrated, moved all over the state renovating houses and setting up our own little business. We could never have done half of the things we have with kids in tow. I am sorry you find yourself in this club and dont want to be, is all hope lost or is there anything else you can try?

Personally I find extremely helpful being friends with women who don't have children. I feel safe with them and the conversation doesn't turn to children. They're all off doing interesting things and livinv positive lives so I feel more positive and 'normal' for being around them. I still very much value having friends with children, too and of course they're also interesting and lovely in their own right but I'm just talking in terms of managing my grief.

I think there are lots of young people who still need a lot of love and nurturing in life - I'm interested in getting involved with the Guides in the future. I value having a dog. I try to enjoy spending my disposable income because I know my parent friends don't have much spare cash. I also try to get involved in supporting my friends' children and have been invited to nativities iver the years, which is lovely.

It is very hard but you can still get to a place where you have a lot of happiness op. I also recommend Gateway Women.

Enta as this forum is by its nature, mostly populated by people who do have children and judging from your response to ragged you clearly don't want their opinions, could you get HQ to edit your title to include 'children' as lots of people will click on the thread title and it won't be for them!

I’m not sure if I’m quite your target market as I’m childless by circumstance rather than through infertility, but I'll join in anyway, hope that's ok. I met DH late on and for various reasons (DHs reluctance, lack of family support, finances, my own ambivalence to a certain extent) I came to the conclusion that having a baby in my 40s was not the right thing for me, but it wasn’t as straightforward as ‘don’t want children’, it’s just the way things have worked out. I’d spent the previous decades just assuming it would happen when the time was right, but as it turned out the time has never been right.

I wish I’d had children in my 20s or 30s, I really do, and I envy friends with grown up children, but I can’t turn the clock back. I spent 2-3 years in my early forties being very sad a lot of the time, lots of tears for no particular reason, and a feeling of real emptiness, nothing made me happy. At the same time I knew a baby at this stage in my life was not the answer, and people going 'ah you're not too old, just get on with it' was really unhelpful.

BUT – I’m now 45 and apart from the occasional pang of ‘wouldn’t it be nice…..’ I’m happy. We don’t travel much or go on fancy holidays, we don’t have many lie ins, we don’t have loads of spare money, I’m not career driven; in many ways my life is just as it would be with children, but without them, if that makes any sense, I can’t give you a list of “amazing or exciting” things that you can fill your life with by not having them, because I’ve not done that, I’ve just found very ordinary things that for me help me to have peace and fulfilment in my life. Something someone said on here in a thread about children a while back really struck me – it was something along the lines of ‘happiness is fleeting but children bring real joy that gets into every corner of your life’. It made me really sad for a bit as it made it sound like that joy could only come from children, but it also made me think about how I was going to find that joy for myself, and for me the ‘I don’t have kids so I can go on lots of holidays and have fancy handbags’ wasn’t really cutting it, I needed something more permanent and solid than that.

I do think some of coming to terms with it is just time related – you have to go through the grieving process and come out the other side (and I appreciate this will be totally different and much harder for someone who really really wanted children but was unable to than it was for me, but it was still a process I went through; not so much grieving for a child specifically but for a life I always assumed I'd have but now didn't).

For me: we got a dog, which made a HUGE difference, I know it’s a cliché and I know it isn’t the same as a child but for me it’s gone a long long way to filling the empty feeling, she is the light of my life and it's impossible to be sad when she's around. I do some volunteering, I have dropped my hours at work just to spend more time at home (part time isn’t just for parents!), I cook and bake more than I used to and have become much more interested in interior design and building a lovely home for us. I read a lot, and watch a lot of Netflix! DH and I have a lot of time for just hanging out with each other each other which parents often don't have; I recently got chatting to someone I met through work who is a happily married mother of four, and she said to me that she thought the relationship of a couple who don't have children can be something really special as you have quality time to invest in each other, and that she envies a bit, which I had never thought about before.

My life is very calm and quiet, and for me that is the main upside, if there is one. Watching friends that have small children try to juggle work with childcare, and spend their whole weekends taxiing between parties and hobbies, it looks HARD. Friends with older children are worried about education, teenagers going off the rails, university fees etc, I also have friends and family members who are single parents with all the additional stress and worry that divorce itself and the situation afterwards brings; having to parent together after a nasty divorce is not a position I would ever want to be in and I know some children that have really suffered as a result of this.

Sadly, I have found that some of my friendships with friends with young children have drifted; meet ups and conversations revolve around their children so I have withdrawn a bit as it feels very isolating. I find it much easier to spend time with other people who have no children; people with older children or friends who are parents but who have managed to maintain a separate identity for themselves at the same time, I find so many women particularly are caught up in being parents that they don’t have the headspace for other things or comprehension of what life without children is like.

I don't think my life is better than being a parent, but equally I don't think it's worse, it's just different. I'll never know what it would have been like if it had gone the other way, maybe I'd be tons happier, maybe I'd be miserable as sin, who knows.

@sleepwhenidie

I apologised to Ragged for being over-sensitive and would like to hear all opinions from anyone who feels they'd like to contribute, regardless of their personal situation.

Really overwhelmed with the kind responses and the life experience here will help me come to terms with things.

Thanks all

FWIW we adopted. And it was scary and it had its own pitfalls and our DD is not genetically ours - but from the far side of that now, she feels exactly the same as a bio daughter (so far as I can tell from close relationships with family who have bio children). It's been 2 years.

I fall into your bracket OP

I'm childfree and wouldn't say it was a choice but the life I've had has never opened me to motherhood.

Now in my late 30s, single and with health issues, I am starting to realise that the window is closing and closing quickly.

It is hard to face up to. I always had names in mind. the idea of the education I'd like them to have and hobbies I'd like them to do and it's all just a bit sad.

I fill my life with the hobbies I enjoy, further education and having friends to see socially, but there is a void certainly, I wish I could say something more helpful but I too am asking the question :

"If I'm not going to have children, what is my purpose in life going to be?"

plenty of moms don't have kids. They turn into excellent aunts, great friends, confidents, have time to be an ear to whisper to, help friends out with their cash flow for kiddies.. the lists are endless. friends even lend their kids when they go away.... hobbies, interests, time. community.

I love my immaculate house, clean perfect calm evenings, no whining, no toys, no miserable marriage. The relationships take the brunt when having kids ao having a close partner is great. Time, calm, clean.......in abundance.

My life without children is amazing. I absolutely love it. Children would not have made me happy.

But .... I am not you. I never wanted children and my situation is different.

I really hope that your miracle happens

I was diagnosed with a serious heart condition at 18 and told i couldn't carry a child as it was to dangerous and i most probably wouldn't survive.

I met my DH at 20 spent my early 20's devastated beyond belief i really did want a child or so i thought.

I am now 30 many of my friends have children the stress of children finances has split up many of my friends relationships they don't really get much of a social life and are constantly stressed.

I help my closest friends out with childcare having them for sleepovers taking the kids for days out ect and i love it but I'm happy to hand them back.

I married DH at 24 and i feel we have the most amazing relationship we get to go out alot we have a campervan so can just up and leave for the weekend whenever we feel like it and hand on my heart I'm pleased i have no children despite the earlier heartbreak about it.

Life is simple and i feel as though I'm fully enjoying my life i don't think I'd cope with the stress of a child and after seeing so many of my friends relationships break down i realised just having my DH is enough for me and truly I'm happier than i ever though i could be

I love the childless life.

I think the main thing is to nourish other relationships, families can come in all shapes and sizes.

I'm 46, single, and childless by circumstance. I would have loved to have children but didn't meet anyone to have them with, and couldn't really afford to do it on my own, so a couple of years ago I decided I had to try and make peace with it.

What helped a lot was a sentence from my GP - "there's more than one path in life to take to be happy". When I really thought about it, I realised that it's true. I don't have children, but I'm not unhappy all the time. It makes me sad, and regretful that it didn't happen for me, but I have such a lot of life to live, and there is no point dwelling on it because I can't change it.

Like others, I've lost a lot of friends because they've had children and I haven't. There are only three who have really made the effort to stay in touch and not do child-friendly stuff all the time. So I've made the effort to make friends with childless women, and they are so great. I've not gone out to do it, but I guess we've gravitated to each other in situations, and I've suggested staying in touch or doing something.

The other thing I've done, as a single woman, is to make peace with being on my own and spending time on my own. I'm an introvert so don't have to be with people ALL the time, and I like my own space, but I've written lists, plans, etc about what I would like to do and achieve on my own - everything from going to the cinema for an afternoon matinee, to cycling up through south and central America. And I'll do them because I have something to focus on. It's still not a baby, but it's my future.

I do agree with PPs that you'll get very different responses from people who couldn't have children but wanted them, and people who don't want them, and I'm not sure responses from those in the latter camp would make you feel any better.

I personally have never wanted kids, but I don't see my quality of life as linked in any way to me not having or wanting kids, because for me it's never been a case of 'I don't have kids therefore I can do this thing', it's always just been instinctive to me that I don't want them, so kids (or lack of) have never been factored into my life planning.

perhaps I take for granted things like lie-ins, spontaneity and spending money on myself, buying treats whenever I feel like it, visiting friends in other cities/countries on a whim - and while I can't imagine not being able to do those things or have that freedom, I still get miserable and feel my life is lacking or empty in other ways (for me, it's never having had a solid friendship group, not having a pet, and feeling like I'm underachieving in my career). My sense of fulfilment mainly comes from work, but I have a job I love and have worked hard to get into - have you got any passions or hobbies you could wholeheartedly throw yourself into?

For me, while my life isn't perfect, it's mainly that I feel having children would be incredibly detrimental to my mental health, quality of life and wellbeing, and I feel no urge or instinct to have them. Just reading some of the parenting threads on here have confirmed that view. I'm sorry if this isn't helpful to you, but I'm trying to be honest

I am child free by choice. O can save for fantastic travel opportunities. Have only myself to clean up after it entertain. I see many friends now dealing with teens with MH problems. Eating disorders, anxiety, OCD, frankly some of my friends have had the life ( and health) sucked out of them by teenage children . I have never regretted my decision. I do crave the company if children, I am a teacher but it is not an attempt at compensation fir not having children.

I totally understand why it's not necessarily helpful to hear from people with children @Enta so please do forgive me if what I have to say doesn't help, but this is my perspective.

Like you I had always wanted children and felt it was my "calling". I dedicated my life to pursuing that goal. I now have a daughter. I don't regret having her for one second, and I'm so grateful that after years of losses and infertility I was able to, but it's only since having her that I have realised that my life could have been equally fulfilling without having children. And I don't mean that in a "you get to have lie-ins and go on holiday" way. What I mean is that having a child is not the be all and end all of happiness. I could have been just as happy with a full life with DH, pets, hobbies, volunteering, a career etc. I think there's this feeling in our society that having a child is the only way to experience true love and joy etc etc. That is not my experience. It is different but it's no more or less valid.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that having a child is NOT the only way to be emotionally and spiritually fulfilled. Your life can be as full and rich as it would be with a child in it - just in a different but equally good way.

Unfortunately I wouldn't have believed this if anyone had told me it before I had my daughter, so I don't blame you if you can't believe me. And I know it must sound a bit rich coming from someone with a child. But I hope you can and it maybe brings you some comfort.

Do NOT crave the company of children.

I’m child free by choice. We have a lovely life and are v happy. Sometimes we go through spells of socialising a lot and then other times we put an embargo on socialising and spend the whole weekend together, just us, relaxing, watching movies, leisurely breakfast in bed, romantic dinners with lots of wine, long walks followed by a long pub lunch, we go on lots of holidays, we have shared hobbies and interests, we both have careers we enjoy, we have the energy focus on one another, we have a v solid and loving relationship, and we have financial freedom.

We decided to wait and see how our friends with children fared before we decided on our child free status. We observed that these friends seemed to have lost some of their intimacy and closeness since they had children, that they seemed stressed over lack of sleep, resentful (sometimes of each other) over seemingly endless chores, worries over childcare, lack of spontaneity, lack of cash, lack of freedom, not to mention the huge responsibility of raising another human being, which with the economic future looking bleak for our young adults, could be a lifetime shackle.

I guess I’ve always been a person who doesn’t like obligation, I have my dogs, who I absolutely adore, but beyond that, I relish not being tied down, not having to answer to anyone but me, and of course my lovely DH.

I’m sorry that your future will not include the children you wanted, that must be heart breaking. Undeniably, someone like me will never know how that feels as my situation is v different to yours, but as you asked for accounts from both sides of the coin I thought I would contribute my positive take on a child free life

We don't have DC and life is grand.

We have four cats (and would also have a dog if we were at home more).

I volunteer for two local charities at weekends.

I do an evening class once a week.

I have a good circle of friends so usually have something with them going on - meeting at the pub, each other's houses, dinners, parties, trips out, weekend away once a year.

We travel - two or three holidays a year if we can (including weekend breaks in that).

I can lie in whenever I want and have no demands on my time. If I'm having a tiring week at work I can have an afternoon nap at the weekend which is one of my fave things!

We can spend money on frivolous things to do with hobbies and interior decorating and handmade Italian leather cat collars.

I'm godmother to an 8 year old who I spoil at Easter, birthdays and Christmas and I meet up with her and her Mum quite often.