To ask what your life is like, without...

[Enta]

What is your life like without children?

I've NC for this.

For those who have chosen not to have DC or not been able to have children, what does your life look like? Are you happy? What's the best/worst bits? For those who couldn't, how did you come to terms with it?

I'm having to face the fact that having a much wanted baby isn't going to happen for me & DH and I'm devestated. Trying to focus on changing my future projection as I feel life at the moment now looks very empty.

I had wanted a big family, I have no relatives of my own apart from DH. Life looks lonely and I'm not sure I can do this.

I sometimes take my nieces and nephews away for a long weekend. I love their company, and I like that I can afford to treat them to things that their parents can't. I love being an auntie. But by god I'm glad to hand them back. Absolutely exhausting! It's the constant chatter and asking for things. Makes me realise the luxury of pretty much only ever having to take care of own needs and taking some time out whenever I need it.

We tried but didn't manage to have children. I was upset at the time but now think it was the best thing. DH doesn't actually like children and I think he would have been miserable.

Thing is, we have a great life. We both have good jobs (DH earns a lot more than me) so we really just do what we want in terms of going out, eating out, going on holiday, etc. No worrying about the school holidays, trying to find childcare or uni fees. No screaming toddlers or sulking teenagers.

Planning to have more animals when we are at home a bit more but at the moment we have one cat who is very spoilt. Is lying on a John Lewis sheepskin rug at the moment. When the sales assistant asked me where I was going to put it, I was too embarassed to say it was for my cat!

Yes depends on whether it's through choice or not. Being a mother hasn't worked out well for me either (re. ragged). Appreciate OP, you don't want to hear our side of things, but it's with the best intentions! If you really can't have children but desperately wanted them, it must be hard to accept. It sounds like you have already started this process. Fill your life with other things. The dog fostering is great. Carving out good friendships would help. I find I'm in a catch 22 because I don't jog along well now with childless people, (please note the ones who chose not to, the only people I know are through choice) or people for whom having children, has turned out well. I'm sure more people will come up with some words of comfort for you. Whether we are a woman who can't have children, or we've had children, and things have not turned out well, we are still grieving.

@Enta - I worked in fostering and adoption and I want you to know many of the best adopters out there have trauma themselves! It makes them better able to understand the trauma the children have faced, and many children in care have symptoms of PTSD.

Go in with your eyes wide open. Know that you will have limits. But please know the empathy and understanding you may have, could make you the very type of family they are looking for.

There is a grey area between being actively childfree by choice and suffering crushing pain due to infertility. That's where I found myself, wasn't desperate for children, but when the time came when we decided to give it a go, it didn't happen. It was sad, but it wasn't the end of the world, and we didn't want to be parents enough to undergo fertility treatment or to foster or adopt.

We have a lovely life. It's not stress-free, but it is very low stress. We both earned well and never had to spend money on childcare, so in our mid-forties are mortgage-free and can afford to only work part-time. We travel and go to a lot of gigs, but we also just spend a lot of time just pottering, cooking, reading.

I would say half my friends have kids, and half don't. I've always had friends of different ages, and I think that's really valuable. I've also grown up around extended family and family friends who don't have children, whereas I know some people have absolutely no model for a life which doesn't involve being a parent.

I enjoy spending time with my friend's kids, but think it would have overwhelmed me to have my own. I've learned a lot from Mumsnet - several people have mentioned how well I seem to understand kids and the pressures parents are under. I place a lot of value on being a good and supportive friend, and I'm lucky that my friends do the same for me.

I'm not a depressive person - I am incredibly happy and content - but I do often look at the world and am glad I haven't brought children into it. I have a brother who has long-standing mental health issues, and who still essentially lives with my parents. I know they won't be around forever, and then he will be my responsibility, so I really enjoy and value the freedom I currently enjoy.

I'm childfree by choice and by necessity. I'll explain. My childhood was abusive and I was raised by people who never wanted children themselves, a whole other thread. I'm an only child who never mixed with younger relatives and grew up very lonely for lots of reasons not because I was an only child. I'm quite introverted, only enjoy company in small bursts and due to my childhood experiences, am highly sensitive to the feeling of being hemmed in. As a young woman I never wanted children, never went, 'aww!' when someone brought a baby into work and rolled my eyes at the usual declaration that 'I'd change my mind.'

That was then. A few years ago I fell ill. I won't bore you with the details but it's ongoing and I doubt very much whether I could have a child now and it not severely impact my health. I also have no idea whether I could carry a baby to term and given everything that I've written above about my personality, I think I'd be climbing the walls looking after someone 24hrs a day.

I do have a rescue dog and yes, he's my baby. I have a husband, an allotment, garden and more plants than Kew. My DH does much of the heavy gardening because I can't really. We do go on holiday twice a year and thankfully, I have lie-ins. God knows what I'd do if I couldn't have them.

I'm 41 now and my life has not gone according to plan(!), the career has not materialised because of ill health and I do sometimes wonder what kind of parent I'd have made. I have entertained fantasies of family Christmases, happy family dinners but I know that these are exactly that - fantasies and reading this forum has helped to dispel any notions I might have had about being a mother. It sounds exhausting, to me.

Philosophically, I don't know why I'm here but I still am here so I keep going. I live near a school and not once have wanted to change places with the parents dropping their children off. I don't know if they feel as though they've found their purpose in life but not many looked beatific this morning!

I hope you get what you crave. I appreciate that living a life which is thought of as different from the norm raises challenges but contentment comes in many forms.

You're all wonderful for posting - from all perspectives. After TTC for so long, I've become a little tunnel-visioned.

It really helps to hear from those who are childless by choice - I thought so hard about it before TTC (and then TTC took over) and I remember my reasons 'against' such as overpopulation, financials, etc - they're very valid and it helps me see the other side. I think at the moment while I'm accepting the reality of not having any biological children, viewing any positive is only helpful.

@treeogal really? So it could still be an option to adopt/foster? You just made my heart soar a little. I've always had an idea to have a semi-rural small holding and (in the dream, once my kids were grown up) to foster older kids/teenagers and provide a safe, positive place for those in need of it.

I had a very traumatic childhood and, although I'm doing fantastically now, I didn't have anyone to trust or turn to so I'm very motivated to provide that for other young adults. I think that time of life is the hardest if you haven't got stability and trust in the world.

Enta that smallholding sounds wonderful! You can get goats and call them The Kids . You sound like a wonderful, compassionate woman. Glad you started this thread- it has helped a lot of other people, I think. I’m so sorry you have had to deal with trauma. I hope you can make your dream a reality x

@Enta , I'm an adoptive mum, I know many adopters, none of us are 'perfect', we all have histories and pasts. If you have had trauma in your past and gone on to build a happy, successful life, you have an understanding and empathy adoptive children need.
Older children are often left behind in the care system - I think you would be in great demand.
Social workers want to know that you have come to terms with your past, had counselling for example, but a difficult history does not in itself exclude you.

The small holding sounds a wonderful idea, its a thought I had myself which for many reasons won't happen, but I make do with my allotment. I sometimes have a group of children with special needs down there, we have a great time, gardening is very healing. Have you heard of Theraputic Horticulture ?
Good luck with whatever path you take

When I was younger, I was adamant I didn't see the point in living if I wasn't to be a mother (to biological children)

Then I grew up, got married, and am now facing IVF.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Very recently , I think I am finally coming to the realization that I could have a wonderful and meaningful life without children. I don't know exactly how I would achieve that yet, but it's a step in the right direction, to finally think "maybe my life can have another meaning".

I am not sure how I feel yet about the idea of having children using donor sperm. Years ago, when I had the "firm" belief, I would have said - yes I would definitely use donor sperm, I "need" to be a mother. But now, I am married to an amazing man, and if I had to pick between having children , or being childless but with DH, I would hands down pick DH. This isn't to say I wouldn't actually consider donor sperm (and I think it's a wonderful opportunity for many couples).

Overall, I would love to be a mum, but I am beginning to understand that my life could still have meaning without it.

Sorry I don't have any more to say, I am still on my journey of acceptance, so I'm not quite there yet!

Wishing you all the best OP

And just to add, if I ever do become a mother, or even if I don't, I am actually feeling grateful to have been made to reassess my beliefs and wants.. in a weird way, I think it has benefited me to open my eyes, and to re-evaluate my stance on having children. Something I would never have thought about if I had just conceived naturally without trouble.

Childfree by choice here too. Never really felt the urge, not good with kids, enjoy time to myself and doing what I want and also I have some mental health issues (mostly under control now) that would mean looking after a child was too stressful and Not.A.Good.Idea. Also would hate to inflict a kid with any issues themselves. Raising children is expensive (and it doesn't necessarily end when they hit 18 either) and there's enough kids (and people in general) in the world without me adding to it. Overpopulation worries me, and lack of jobs and opportunities for young people. Not to mention climate change and other sad things that happen.

Occasionally I feel a little sad that I won't "have a family" because that's what people do and the pressure is great to join in but I don't think I'm wired for having kids. I don't think I'd trust myself not to do something (accidentally) neglectful or end up harming myself because I couldn't handle the pressure. I'm the first to jump in there if I see a child about to do something dangerous (often when parent is too busy on phone) but I'm so scatterbrained I'd probably end up leaving it in the house alone!

I look at people at work juggling childcare with work and don't know how they do it. I think I'd be pulling my hair out. Things come up sometimes at work, late on and I guess you just have to say sorry I can't stay on I have to pick up [kid] from wherever? Or try to get a babysitter. Lucky if you have people who can help. I'm very disorganised, always late. Can't imagine having someone else to get ready as well.

DB has 3 kids and I see them once a month or so and occasionally babysit. I enjoy spending time with them in small doses but am glad to come home to my silent house. The amount of plastic kid crap in their house bothers me, they have so many toys they could open up a toy shop. My partner has a child but doesn't see them very often, he didn't want kids to start with and doesn't want anymore (he said he might give me one if I wanted one, I said no thanks). Both of us enjoy peace and quiet, a shrieking child wouldn't be a great home environment.

I also do some volunteering with kids occasionally. And spend time with friends' kids. That's enough for me.

I'm not well off by any means but I have been able to save up and go on holiday to different places every now and then, which I love. I wouldn't want to sacrifice travel for looking after a kid. I try to balance doing with not doing stuff. Also love being out in nature, in forests and stuff.

I don't have any pets at the moment but would like one again soon, I enjoy animal company rather than human. I'm never really sure how to deal with kids, like when one stands there staring at me haha, what's that all about? Other people are right in their making jokes or small talk with the kid but unless I know them well I don't bother really. I feel a bit awkward doing that.

I have a couple of friends who don't have kids (one would like them, not sure about the other) and a good friend who has a grown up kid and says I'm being sensible in not having any, she wouldn't if she could turn back time (and her kid is a nice one). My mother used to make a fuss about me choosing not to, ditto another friend but I think they've (mostly) given up asking me now. Life is to be enjoyed and there is more than one way to live :)

Me and hubby are at this possible stage now due to my health issues and also my age (35). But we are trying to focus on our lives and the idea that we can have more holidays, dote on our nephew etc. I do get scared it’s ‘just us’ forever but we can see some positives like paying off mortage, freedom and lots of travelling. Being a parent doesn’t define you.

Thanks again for the new posts, lots of to those in a similar position, we might not choose this path but I'm starting to realise that maybe a just-as-good path still exists.

I had a good chat with DH last night (might have involved a bit of ) and I talked to him about the fostering/small holding idea for the first time in detail.

He loved it! He said he's craving living a bit more rurally sooner rather than later (he's a farmer's son so it's in his blood.) and now without the need to be close to certain hospitals/schools etc, it's much more feasible.

We're looking at putting the house on the market and I feel so excited for the first time in...well, too long.

I came along hoping to lift my spirits slightly but thanks to you all - I'm looking to move and once we're settled in a year or two, will go from there. It feels right. :)

That's lovely to hear @Enta ! 😊 thank you for starting this thread. It has actually helped me too!!

So happy to read your update! Good luck with whatever you decide.

Enta I thought you might appreciate this video of goats in pyjamas

I have a dc after several years of infertility. I dreamed of being a mum since I was 25. Nearly 13!years later I got my wish. As much as I love my dc I realise that it isn't the thing that fulfils me or the solution to my happiness.

Life is so much more than being a mum. I know it's easy to say and if someone had said the same to me when I was in the depths of fertility treatment I wouldn't have believed them. It's a bit like when people say money doesn't buy you happiness and you're thinking 'let me win the lottery and find out for myself'

You have to find personal purpose - babies , dogs or other people won't give you that although it might help.

Wishing you the best xx

Hi Enta! i am very sorry your plansabout having children did not work.

I am childfree by choice, so my situation is very different from yours. I never swaw children happening in my life and have never regretted not having them. I am 42.

My life is awesome! I absolute love the freedom I have had, the ability to be spontaneous, the chance to behave like a child myself but be responsible for my own life and my own decisions.

I have travelled lots but mainly for work. I met my husband in New Zealand and have settled here, however I move a lot and precisely this year I am planning to start volunteering internationally.

I have heaps of hobbies, I love being an auntie and spending time with my friends' children, and then give them back when they get a bit too much. I love having a tidy, peaceful and quiet house and a dog. There is nothing in the lives of my friends with children that I envy or want for myself.

Go.for it enta! Chase your dream, even if it's a different one. You'll get there.