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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being mean

112 replies

Kelwar · 31/01/2019 07:05

My husband and I live a stones throw from his mum, she is elderly but a very fit elderly.. we visit her every weekend with the children and most weeks we will also have dinner during the week at ours and she goes to her daughters for dinner once a week too, my problem is, she calls my husband when she knows he is working from home and gets him to do all sorts of jobs for her, we all went out for her birthday up to London last weekend and by Monday my husband popped in there and she was crying saying how lonely she is.. I find it a bit manipulative if I’m honest. She is a nice lady with a bit of a wicked streak and can be quite cutting and makes horrid remarks but all in all as mother in laws go, I do like her... I’m just getting fed up with sharing my husband with her.. please help, it’s starting to cause arguments with my husband as yesterday she called while he was working from home and he spent two hours taking her to the doctors and walking her dog... we can’t afgord for him to lose his job

OP posts:
Villanellenovella · 31/01/2019 07:08

I know its annoying but imagine it was your mum. Crying over loneliness? Maybe she is lonely. That could well be you one day as we generally outlive our husbands

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 31/01/2019 07:09

It’s not your issue to deal with, it’s your dh.

MissionItsPossible · 31/01/2019 07:11

Yes

Suebnm · 31/01/2019 07:12

Yes you’re being very mean. Your husband is an adult and can make his own decisions about seeing his own mother and losing his job.

His mother is elderly and quite possibly lonely. Won’t you want people to do things for you when you’re elderly? You knew he had a mother when you got married. Not wanting to share him sounds childish.

SuchAToDo · 31/01/2019 07:13

Op it sounds like you don't like your MIL very much

She is elderly, she is dh mother...if she lives alone of course she will feel lonely...what is so wrong about her wanting to see her family?

And what is wrong with her asking for him to walk her dog?..I have a family member in my home that helps our elderly neighbours out by walking their dogs (for free) on days they can't ...

And why begrudge him taking her to the drs?..that's his mother...would you prefer she sits at home ill and suffers so you can have your dh at home

That is dh mother, he should be allowed to see her as much as HE wants to...how would you feel if he started complaining not wanting YOU to see your mother ...you sound a bit controlling op. The "I’m just getting fed up with sharing my husband with her" comment from you is very telling...you see her as your competition, when really she is just his elderly mother and it sounds like he is trying to be a good son and make sure she is ok by doing a few things for her..

God help you op when your an elderly lady if your son marries a women who views you the same way you view your MIL

mystifiedinbrighton · 31/01/2019 07:14

You might be a bit harsh OP, except for the disturbing your husband when he is working from home. That’s not on.

But you do have to share him, of course you do!

Whothere · 31/01/2019 07:14

Yes I do think you’re mean. Who would do the jobs for her if her own son didn’t?

happyasasandboy · 31/01/2019 07:16

This is entirely for your husband to solve.

If he should be working when working at home then he should tell her that and not do two hours with her rather than working.

When my DH works from home, he avoids 4 hours travel, so he gets up at the same time, starts work when he's normally be catching the train, and is likely to take a long lunch/do random jobs in the day as he has 4 hours "in hand". If that's the case, then talk to him if you think you/your family need those hours more than his mum does.

bigandbumpy · 31/01/2019 07:27

@Kelwar

No I don't think you're being mean. As someone who has seen first hand how manipulative elderly people can be I totally get it. Why can't she ask the sister to help out with some of these chores? I wonder if she's one of these women who prefers men to help (my grandma is like that!).
If she's lonely then she needs to do something about it - she's active! She's obviously been alone a while so she should have forged some sort of life for herself. She's lucky you see her so regularly rather than crying about how lonely she is - which may I add isn't fair on your OH!

Although your OH doesn't help the situation. He should say no if he's working from home and make her understand that he might be at home but he's WORKING!!!

TheBigBangRocks · 31/01/2019 07:30

He's not your property. She will always be his mum, you may not always be his partner.

Whothere · 31/01/2019 07:31

How old is she?

user1493413286 · 31/01/2019 07:31

Your DH does need to be firmer about when he’s working from home; I don’t know what his job is like but if I was away from my laptop for that long when I was supposed to be working from home I’d get in a lot of trouble. From that respect it is a joint issue as if he lost his job it’d effect you too.

x2boys · 31/01/2019 07:36

Shes his mum it's hotline it's some random strangerHmm

Returnofthesmileybar · 31/01/2019 07:38

She was probably lonely because she had had a whole weekend of company, really enjoyed it, and then she goes home and closes her door and the quietness probably mad her sad, c as not you not see how that would happen? Having company all weekend would have made her realise how much she misses it

Oxytocindeficient · 31/01/2019 07:41

Not entirely unreasonable, no. Sounds like you spend quite a lot of time with her as it is, which is nice and expected of course. But it’s ok to have limits. If she is active and well, she can do something about her loneliness. Yes, we will all get old and need our families. But it sounds like you’re already spending a good amount of time together. I wouldn’t want to impose myself that much on my children when I’m old, I’d like to see them regularly of course, but also allow them their own life and not take so much time that I would be disrupting their own family. You need to have a calm talk with your DH, ask him if perhaps you could get a dog walker for her. Discuss ways she could join clubs or activities so she gets social time with others and it doesn’t always fall on your DH. It’s not just his problem if he loses his job so you’re entitled to be concerned and share that concern with him.

swingofthings · 31/01/2019 07:46

Kelwar, it could be you one day. It's not manipulation, as we get old, our anxieties increased significantly making you desperate for company.

You ph understands how his mum's feel and is, being a good son. You clearly don't. Surely your oh is, capable of knowing whrn it's appropriate to take time from work and when it isn't.

Don't resent her, instead be proud of what a great son your oh is whrn his mum very much needs him.

Charley50 · 31/01/2019 07:46

I don't think you are being mean. Can you find some clubs for her to go to, to encourage her to make some friends?
Does she mainly walk her own dog?
And no your DH shouldn't be putting his job in jeopardy for her (emergencies not included).

finn1020 · 31/01/2019 07:47

You’re not being mean, that’s a huge amount of contact you’re having with her. Your husband (and you by default) aren’t responsible for her happiness, she’s responsible for that herself. Bet if you’d posted you were in your 20s and she was late 40s posters would be encouraging you to make your husband be more independent instead of rushing to indulge her every whim just because she’s “elderly” 🙄

And is not really a problem just for your husband to solve since it involves you too. You should talk to him and make your wishes and expectations clear about what is sufficient, or too much. He may not agree, sounds like he won’t, but you should be able to discuss and probably compromise on both sides. It’s impacting on your relationship and you need to discuss it.

EarthboundMisfit · 31/01/2019 07:48

I think the bit about sharing your DH is a bit mean. However, I do think he needs to sit down with her and gently explain that he can't help her out when he's at work on a regular basis.

MoreCheeseDear · 31/01/2019 07:50

He's not your property. She will always be his mum, you may not always be his partner

This. Of course you have to share him. He isn't a possession. If my DH had that attitude to my family he would be my ex.

GingerbreadBlob · 31/01/2019 07:50

My DM is widowed and lives alone. She gets frightened about being really old and alone. I can only imagine any one of us would be lonely, living all on your own. The days would be terribly long.

With MIL threads here, I often think of us parents of small boys, not even imagining that one day they'll grow up and be gone. You will be the MIL then and I hope your sons and DIL's are good ones, because there are some rotten ones out there.

balls2DWall · 31/01/2019 07:51

We cant afford for him to lose his job.

has he been given a warning about work not done at home or something?

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 31/01/2019 07:51

How does she know when he is working from home?

balls2DWall · 31/01/2019 07:52

what exactly are the arguments about regarding your MIL?

SoyDora · 31/01/2019 07:52

I’m surprised at some of these answers. Yes it’s fine for her DH to take his mum to the Dr’s and walk the dog, but he’s working from home. Working. Not available for chores. Yes it’s his responsibility to say no, but as someone who has worked from home in the past for a long period I know that people don’t take it seriously and think you’re on hand to do things for them in working hours.
He needs to set those boundaries.