Am I being mean

[Kelwar]

My husband and I live a stones throw from his mum, she is elderly but a very fit elderly.. we visit her every weekend with the children and most weeks we will also have dinner during the week at ours and she goes to her daughters for dinner once a week too, my problem is, she calls my husband when she knows he is working from home and gets him to do all sorts of jobs for her, we all went out for her birthday up to London last weekend and by Monday my husband popped in there and she was crying saying how lonely she is.. I find it a bit manipulative if I’m honest. She is a nice lady with a bit of a wicked streak and can be quite cutting and makes horrid remarks but all in all as mother in laws go, I do like her... I’m just getting fed up with sharing my husband with her.. please help, it’s starting to cause arguments with my husband as yesterday she called while he was working from home and he spent two hours taking her to the doctors and walking her dog... we can’t afgord for him to lose his job

The relationship between mothers and sons can often be very unhealthy/disturbing in my experience. So you’ll get a lot of those Mums responding, but you’ve also had some reasonable responses seeing both sides. Talk to your husband, calmly and rationally.

Bluntness100 what a gross accusatory comment, nothing constructive about it. Mother of sons I suspect.

I feel sorry for your son with a mother who is clearly going to expect l lot from him

Ironic much. You have a go at others coming on here and slating you, whilst you do the same.

Sillysallysingssong is a silly billy obvs..

And bluntness 100 wow, how lucky your daughter is to have such an articulate mother.. enough swear words in there dear? I think you sound very bitter and inpleasant.. ease up a little

Sillysallysingssong is a silly billy obvs

Mature

Sillysallysingssongs -do you know me? No.. go and bother someone else..

Sillysallysingssongs -do you know me? No.. go and bother someone else..

I am free to post as are others. You don't know anyone either yet you seem ok with firing off your posts.....

Sallysingsillysongs so you expect me not to
Stick uo for myself when some people’s posts are very personal...?

Kelwar

My advice would be to ignore them, it’s not helping you. Others have offered some good advice so literally just ignore. Don’t forget the report button exists too.

It’s ok to be concerned about your husband’s job. It’s also ok to not want him to have to make that time up in the evenings instead. Families have precious little time together in the evening, we don’t. So weekends are a wonderful much more carefree time to spend with her IMO.

I think it is entirely reasonable to expect your DH to actually work when he is supposed to be working from home. It is lovely how much tume you spend with her.
I do think one aspect of loneliness that people do forget is when someone has a nice day or does something interesting they like to have someone to talk to about it. Try to get her involved in clubs and activities then maybe ring her on the evening so she can tell you about her day.

Just popping on with our reminder that Mumsnet is all about making parents' lives easier, and to keep debate civil so we can keep the thread running.

Ta muchly!

Oxytocindeficient thanks for your lovely responses.. I know there are some wonderful responses on here both for and against how I feel and I have no problem with people having an opinion that I may be in the wrong.. that’s why I posted... I just don’t appreciate some of the more hurtful personal messages when the ‘warriors’ have no idea who I am and what I stand for.. and as for the potty mouth earlier.. I’ll def report her..

No problem, helping is supposed to be what MN is for. When I was young we actually lived and cared for my very sick grandmother, so I am fully supportive of caring for and being there for, our elderly parents. But when they’re still fit and active and well, there has to be gentle reminders or boundary setting. Your husband does need to look at this himself.

Still curious as to her age.

Why is your husband telling his mother that he will be at home? Let her think he's at the office from now on - problem solved. And if she does ring when he's home asking for him to come over why won't he say no? It's up to him to put a stop to it during working hours.

She’s 78... so def needs company and help with things.. and I’m happy to help too.. she is lovely and I’m very fond of her.. but for instance the day she cried to my husband about being lonely, I had been there walking the dog, she didn’t offer me a cuppa so I went home, but I asked if she wanted to come for dinner at ours that evening.. she declined, but then my husband popped down there an hour later on his way back from work and that’s when the crying occurred.. it seemed she didn’t want the company of me or her granddaughter it was just him she wanted and that seems to be the theme of late.. I understand since she lost her husband 3 years ago that she needs us.. but I found this crying manipulative and I’m not budging on that opinion.. she knows my husband is a good man and will now do everything in his power to be there for her every call from now on

A lot of men don’t like saying no to their mothers. My Mum is a similar age, and she gets very lonely. I understand that, she’s been divorced 20 years and hasn’t met anyone else long-term. Because she has the energy, she recently started volunteering at a charity store. She loves it! It’s not hard work, but she’s very stylish so she’s gone down well there & loves the social side. She does video call me most days, sometimes it gets a bit much as she talks at me rather than has a conversation, and it can annoy my husband when it’s interfering with our mealtimes etc so I don’t always answer her, and I will tell her I need to go. She’s often cried or rung angry about my siblings having no time for her, but I have to put my own family before her and not feel guilty if I can’t give her as much time as she needs. I think having a long talk with your husband about what you both are comfortable with, what the boundaries are and that you feel she is leaning on him too much, would be a good idea. I’ve been married 30 years and one thing that’s always helped us is total honesty, and prioritising our child and each other over anyone else. As Dr Phil would say, she’s ‘his people’ and he needs to control this.

You are absolutely right, I need to have a chat with him and find out what he feels too.. I do feel like I’m not his priority as often there are things that could be done here such as broken shed roof but he’ll be down at his mums fixing her greenhouse window.. often I have heard work news of his from her that he hasn’t bothered to tell me but has told her.. she absolutely loves it when that happens as she then feels she is No1 confidante.. I didn’t mean the ‘share’ comment, of course I am going to share him with his family and I do, but something just isn’t right with the balance

I always get uneasy @ mother in law threads. Because I wonder what if my daughters in law find me annoying in 10-15 years time... what if I’m lonely and can genuinely only tell my son, as I raised him and I love him but my daughter In law thinks I’m crying to be manipulative.
Not having a go op, I do wonder this when I read in law threads here.

@Kelwar - Totally agree the crying is manipulative especially as you'd been there earlier. To be honest your husband doesn't help the situation as why did he feel the need to pop in as well when you'd already been to see her!