Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Am I being mean

112 replies

Kelwar · 31/01/2019 07:05

My husband and I live a stones throw from his mum, she is elderly but a very fit elderly.. we visit her every weekend with the children and most weeks we will also have dinner during the week at ours and she goes to her daughters for dinner once a week too, my problem is, she calls my husband when she knows he is working from home and gets him to do all sorts of jobs for her, we all went out for her birthday up to London last weekend and by Monday my husband popped in there and she was crying saying how lonely she is.. I find it a bit manipulative if I’m honest. She is a nice lady with a bit of a wicked streak and can be quite cutting and makes horrid remarks but all in all as mother in laws go, I do like her... I’m just getting fed up with sharing my husband with her.. please help, it’s starting to cause arguments with my husband as yesterday she called while he was working from home and he spent two hours taking her to the doctors and walking her dog... we can’t afgord for him to lose his job

OP posts:

wellhellothereall · 31/01/2019 07:53

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. She sound quite manipulative. This is the trouble when you do regular things with people - it becomes the norm. I suggest you mix it up a bit - do more weekends away now and then so she gets used to it. With regards to the working from home - that's entirely up to your husband to say he has to work, maybe he should stop wfh for a while or not tell her when he is. If he loses his job that's his fault

SoyDora · 31/01/2019 07:53

Your husband is an adult and can make his own decisions about seeing his own mother and losing his job

Him losing his job is extremely likely to affect the OP though isn’t it?

JulietAconite · 31/01/2019 07:54

Can you and DH put some thought into improving her situation. Is there anything you can do to help her help herself? Is she still able to get out and about? Could he/ you offer to take her to a friend's house/ a social activity a couple of times a week that would make her feel less lonely.

Karigan195 · 31/01/2019 07:55

In many many societies people look after their elderly in the way you describe. Spending two hours taking her to the dr and walking the dog for instance. In our society we’re regrettably ‘too busy’ ‘I have to work’ or ‘I have my own kids to look after’.

My own point of view is that this woman has given her years looking after and raising your DH. She is his mother. He is doing the right thing. However if it could genuinely cost him his job then perhaps you should look at getting her some home help.

As for not wanting to share him. Grow up. He was her kid before he was ever your husband.

wellhellothereall · 31/01/2019 07:55

Gingerbread - your Mum is an adult though, she doesn't have to be alone she just needs to take responsibility for her own happiness - join some clubs, make some friends, find some others in a similar place. It's not fair that she relies on you to make her less lonely - you have a life too.

Battytwatty · 31/01/2019 07:56

of course YANBU
You sound like you don’t object to spending SOME time with her but there has to be limits.
I couldn’t take 2 hours off work at the drop of a hat to do errands for a relative as I’m sure most of MN couldn’t either. That’s ridiculous.

balls2DWall · 31/01/2019 07:57

SoyDora i agree but she has yet to tell us if it is just a thought she has that it may interfere with his work or that he has actually been reprimanded for insufficient work on his days at home. and if this is what they argue about.

SoyDora · 31/01/2019 07:58

Surely there aren’t many people who can regularly take 2 hours out of their working day with no repercussions from their employer?

pineapplebryanbrown · 31/01/2019 07:59

OP you will find more practical responses on the elderly parents board in relationships.

lifebegins50 · 31/01/2019 08:00

Yes, you are being mean. Imagine if a man posted this..I want my wife to stop caring for her mum as I don't like sharing her.

You live close and taking her to Drs isn't unreasonable. Winter can affect elderly people more as they are less likely to go outside due to the cold and fear of falling..this impacts them in many ways such as isolation and even Vit D deficiency.

KC225 · 31/01/2019 08:01

I don't think you are being mean. Seeing her twice a week - a weekend visit and a dinner at your place, is fair enough. I would love to know how many times the above posters see their MIL's in one week. I dated people I saw less than twice a week. She also sees her daughter.

So you need to ask why she feels lonely. Is she depressed? I read that elderly people have one of the highest rates of depression and are the least likely to seek help for it.

You say she is active? Why was he walkong het dog then? Is she bored? Could you encourage some activities, so widen her social circle so she is less reliant your DH for company.

If (IF) this is a problem for your DH than he needs to not tell her not to call when he is working from home. My mum cannot get her head round working from home and a day off are NOT the same. Also, get her to make a list of jobs she needs doing? My MIL does this now, then once a month or more in the summer with gardening etc., he goes round by himself and tackles the list- we call it 'quality DIY' and she follows him around telling him all about the neighbours etc. She then cooks him all favorite childhood dishes and treats him like he is 7 I think he loves it.

balls2DWall · 31/01/2019 08:04

SoyDora perhaps im wrong. but i thought working from home could give you some room to do work any time of the day.

cooldarkroom · 31/01/2019 08:05

My MIL does this, H is there a lot as he takes care of the veg garden, the chicken & has his garage of materials there.
When I go, she will tell me she has nothing to talk about & is isolated, SHE IS NOT. She used to knit, now she won't. She used to read, now the won't. She used to open the chicken cage, go & collect eggs, close in the evening, now the won't. She used to go for a walk, now she won't. She used to be taken to the shops to do her own shopping, now she won't. She could do some if not all of these things.
She has a lady who comes in (paid by us, every day for 1.5 hours x 5 days) who will help with daily tasks, help her cut toenails whatever. She has a cleaner/friend who goes 2 x a week & MIL cooks her lunch & they sit down & chat, she has 3 sons, 2 she sees more or less daily. My daughter lives on the property too. She has a flat rented & she sees the tenant often (probably daily)

This w/e I have invited my BILs & wives to Lunch, My H said we should invite his Mother. No, not this time, it changes the whole dynamic.
She just wants my H there everyday, if he doesn't go she will dream up something she needs urgently, H goes & gets her what she needs. it's not far away, but it is Too much. I tell him to tell her to make a list, its nonsense having to rush & get her a packet of soup, to find she already has soup x 10 just not that flavour. She does it deliberately.
Your DH should not tell her when he is home working. He can pop round in the evening. If she needs to see Dr, she needs to plan it

TheCowboy · 31/01/2019 08:09

Your husband is a mug. Tell him to stop answering the phone. Problem solved.

SoyDora · 31/01/2019 08:10

balls2DWall depends on the job I guess. When I worked from home I still had to be available between the hours of 9-5 for my direct reports to contact me, for conference calls etc. I was quite senior so had some flexibility, but if I was regularly missing for 2 hours a day it would certainly be noticed. Of course the OP’s DH may have a job where he arranges his working hours as he wishes.

Claudia1980 · 31/01/2019 08:17

I think you need to talk to her honestly and tell her your dh s job could be in jeopardy. It sounds like she had a lot of help and regular visitors. More than most people really! She’s being manipulative.

Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 08:21

Is this crying new, could be start of dementia or depression? She should see gp, and have some help at home or activities so she sees someone every day.

Dvg · 31/01/2019 08:21

It's people like you that make me scared about my son growing up :(
He's my son!!! If I want to see him more then let me, it's up to him if he wants to say no but I don't want some daughter in law calling me manipulative because I want to spend time with my son or get some help from him. Okay so when he is working isn't the best time but then he needs to tell her that he will have to do it after work and treat working from home like a real job.

mrsm43s · 31/01/2019 08:22

I think you are being U with regard to your MIL. Runs to the doctors, dog walking etc are all things that it is reasonable to ask your DH to do for her.

Regarding WfH, its your DH who is in the wrong here. It is up to him to manage his working time and make himself unavailable during his working hours. I work from home 2-3 days a week, and I'm very clear to everyone - family, friends etc that between the hours of 9 and 5 I am working and unavailable, just as I would be if I was in the office. I also stick to that with my own appointments etc.

So if your MIL wants a visit or the dog walked, it needs to be outside of DH's working hours. He's saving his commute time, so should have some extra time to give to her on those WfH days.

If she needs help with Drs appointments, your DH needs to explain to her that she needs to consult with him before booking, and to pick a time when he can help - if she books it for 11 am for example, he needs to say to her "Sorry Mum, no can do, I'm working til 5". It's pretty simple.

Overall, though, your DH is not your possession, and him spending time with his mum and helping out is a good thing, and I think you are unreasonable to resent that.

bigandbumpy · 31/01/2019 08:23

@Dvg - You sounds like you'll be the MIL from hell! Try dating a guy who has a mother like that, it's horrendous! I'm so lucky mine isn't like that.

grumiosmum · 31/01/2019 08:28

The advantage of working from home is that you can arrange your day to suit you. I WFH and if my parents needed something urgently would definitely do everything I could to help them out - and they live an hour away from me.

If I have an important meeting, then that would take precedence (unless a life or death situation) but the beauty of WFH is you can be flexible.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/01/2019 08:29

I’m just getting fed up with sharing my husband with her

He isn't your possession!

ShatnersWig · 31/01/2019 08:29

She's "fit elderly".

I know loads of people in their 80s who are very fit, look at least 10 years younger and are out all the time, day and night, belong to all sorts of clubs, choirs, go to the theatre. Does she literally do nothing unless it involves the family?

If she's fit, why does she need her son to walk her dog?

Your son is right to help her out when its convenient and he needs to make that clear.

winsinbin · 31/01/2019 08:29

I don’t think you are being mean but it’s for your husband to draw some boundaries around his working hours not you.

It’s very sad that an old lady is lonely but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your life to keep her company. I am not yet elderly but am a middle aged, retired ,empty nester with a DH who works very long hours. I don’t expect my husband or my adult DC to sacrifice their time or interests to keep me company. I love seeing them but would hate to think they were spending time with me out of duty. My loneliness or otherwise is my problem not theirs. If I find myself getting isolated the onus is on me to get out of the house, contact friends, go to clubs, do voluntary work etc. I would never expect my DC to jeopardise their careers for me.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/01/2019 08:31

You sounds like you'll be the MIL from hell!

Wanting to see your son makes you the MIL ftom hell according to MN. However bwck in the real world....

Flip

1 2 3 4 5