Am I being mean

[Kelwar]

My husband and I live a stones throw from his mum, she is elderly but a very fit elderly.. we visit her every weekend with the children and most weeks we will also have dinner during the week at ours and she goes to her daughters for dinner once a week too, my problem is, she calls my husband when she knows he is working from home and gets him to do all sorts of jobs for her, we all went out for her birthday up to London last weekend and by Monday my husband popped in there and she was crying saying how lonely she is.. I find it a bit manipulative if I’m honest. She is a nice lady with a bit of a wicked streak and can be quite cutting and makes horrid remarks but all in all as mother in laws go, I do like her... I’m just getting fed up with sharing my husband with her.. please help, it’s starting to cause arguments with my husband as yesterday she called while he was working from home and he spent two hours taking her to the doctors and walking her dog... we can’t afgord for him to lose his job

@Creacaluaidhe - I don't think if you genuinely felt lonely you wouldn't cry to your son. You might say in conversation you feel a little low and lonely but you'd appreciate it's not up to your son to fix it or sort it.

*would cry arghhh!

But we should be able to lean on others. If it’s not up to her son to help, then who will?! There’s no respect any more for the elderly.
In generations past they stayed in the family home and helped with rearing family until they were infirm.
Now we move out as quick as we can. If we don’t move out of our parents home by 18 we’re seen as sissys and layabouts.
There’s no respect for people who want to mind and care and love the people who devoted their lives to them.

I think it’s because our society and family lives are very different now. So are our working lives. I have found this country to be quite uncaring for the elderly, but more in the social services available for them. I do not think we should revolve our adult lives around our parents, I don’t think it’s healthy to do so. A balance is important for healthy marriages. I absolutely would not want to lean on my daughter as much as this lady is. Does she have close friends?

She has fallen out with all of her own family.. her siblings she hasn’t seen for years, she also has fallen out with her late husbands family and doesn’t keep up with them.. she does have friends she has known for years and years but they don’t live that close by.. she has friends at Bridge but they seem superficial rather than good friends to lean on

Creacaluaidhe - I know what you are saying, but I do have a lot of respect for the elderly, my own parents are elderly and always have had.. but there has to be a balance with all family members.. I definitely wouldn’t expect my children to do so much for me .. they will have their own families (hopefully) one day and if they choose for me to be a part of that then wonderful.. a loving mother also knows when to set her children free.. IMO!

They are being someone she can lean on. They have her twice a week for dinner!!! But to cry to her son when her daughter in law has been round is so manipulative.

I would love for all you to witness what my grandma is like with my mum, and i can ensure you it would drive you all fucking crazy!!

*assure - my words are terrible tonight!

Bigandbumpy - thank you for understanding.. I think it is hard to imagine unless you are in this situation..

It's really hard having a lone elderly parent live nearby; it is probably easier if they actually live with you, as at least then they are a part of everyday life (I'm not suggesting that your MIL move in OP).

It might sound selfish but we don't all have an amazing bond with them our elderly parents or in-laws and want to spend all our free time with them. It's ok to have boundaries.

Thanks Charley50, I have considered us all living together.. it might be something for the future ..

it might work, it might not, My husbands Grandmother lived with them to the end of her life, (Italien family) she was always present, she helped cooking, & washing up, did all the Ironing, she babysat, cooked the best risotto or ravioli !
IMO she was very discreet, she had a nice room & she would retire early & leave the younger family to it in the evening (she had her "soup" early)
She did however enrage H's father with various foibles, (she was in her late 80's by then) & it wasn't always smooth sailing. from time to time she would go & stay with another one of her sons to let everyone have a break. She literally stayed to the end. Happy & loved.. I used to say I would happily do this with H's mother, this is no longer the case ...