Am I being mean

[Kelwar]

My husband and I live a stones throw from his mum, she is elderly but a very fit elderly.. we visit her every weekend with the children and most weeks we will also have dinner during the week at ours and she goes to her daughters for dinner once a week too, my problem is, she calls my husband when she knows he is working from home and gets him to do all sorts of jobs for her, we all went out for her birthday up to London last weekend and by Monday my husband popped in there and she was crying saying how lonely she is.. I find it a bit manipulative if I’m honest. She is a nice lady with a bit of a wicked streak and can be quite cutting and makes horrid remarks but all in all as mother in laws go, I do like her... I’m just getting fed up with sharing my husband with her.. please help, it’s starting to cause arguments with my husband as yesterday she called while he was working from home and he spent two hours taking her to the doctors and walking her dog... we can’t afgord for him to lose his job

If she is lonely can you contact age U.K. and get a visitor to go in? They have people who volunteer to go in and see people to stop loneliness, maybe that would relieve the pressure a bit.

How old is she?

You're not being mean. It's evident that you care and want to help, but sometimes people expect a lot and don't like compromise. You need to draw your boundary lines and start looking at how to manage her.

If my maternal dgm had had her way, my DM would have spent her every moment at her beck and call and she was happy to lie to my aunt and cousins that no one ever spoke to her and she never went anywhere. We all rang her and we all rang at set times so we all knew the schedule. Whilst she was mobile her loneliness was somewhat self imposed; she had refused to socialise and make friends when she joined the area. Funnily enough no one knew her to still pop in when she was less able to get out. Watching your world close in must be awful, but closing someone in with you won't make them more willing. Some people can become manipulative.

@SillySallySingsSongs - MNetters twisting the post as usual. No I didn't say that....but it's the way she posted about this being her worry as her son grows up. I don't think some mothers realise how suffocating they can be with their sons.

I do have sympathy. My elderly mother would regularly turn down offers of help from me (e.g. to take her shopping) or to fix things in the house, either me or dh, because, 'X (my brother) will do it when he comes.'
She just wanted 'my son' (she'd have denied it to the death but he was always her favourite) there as much as possible, so she wanted stuff for him to do to keep him there longer.

I did find it frustrating, since my brother was very busy and did visit her a lot anyway. With some old people - speaking from experience - however much you do, it's never enough.

MNetters twisting the post as usual. No I didn't say that....but it's the way she posted about this being her worry as her son grows up. I don't think some mothers realise how suffocating they can be with their sons.

I twisted nothing and see nothing wrong with what that poster put. Only in MN world would wanting to see your DS and them do a few jobs for them (as that poster you were referring to) would be seen as suffocating.

HTH.

Why couldn't she get herself to the Drs or walk the dog yesterday?

Is he in danger of losing his job or can the hrs be made up later in the day?

It's never a few jobs though that's the issue. If you've never experienced it then you'll struggle to empathise. There is always something whether it be changing a light bulb or looking over some post they've received or something major. It becomes very Peter and the Wolf so you end up resenting everything. They don't make a list or wait until you next see them, they call up and want it done now so it doesn't 'worry them'. They are never pleased/happy/blessed for what they have - seeing your family twice in the week and the weekend is more than the norm.

I think the OP made a mistake saying about 'not wanting to share her husband' as it's now made everyone assume she's controlling and unreasonable.

I'm with you bigandbumpy. I go often, its never enough
I do sympathise & wonder how I will be in my old age, but it has to be the "golden boy" who sets the limit, & he doesn't

Do you work? Can you take her to the Dr and walk the dog?

The advantage of working from home is that you can arrange your day to suit you

This is a massive generalisation. DH works from home and he is expected to be at his desk, ready to respond to queries from clients or his bosses, during office hours as are his colleagues. If he was to take off for 2 hours in the middle of the day he would be in serious trouble and his agreement to WFH would almost certainly be revoked. Even if OP's DH is lucky enough to be able to pick and choose the hours he WFH, if he is regularly having to spend his days doing jobs for his DM and then 'catching up' on work in the evenings this eats into time with his DP and DC. Not a problem if it happens once in a while but if it's all the time then I can see how it would bother OP. Especially as she is already visiting her MIL every weekend and having her round for dinner one evening a week. I bet that's more than many of the posters berating her on this thread would do for their own MIL!

OP I don't think YABU actually. I expect that you're getting a hard time because of the comment about not wanting to "share" your DH but I do actually get what you mean. Some women do start to treat their grown up sons like replacement Husband's once they become widowed, expecting them to fill that gap instead of trying to fill it themselves with friends, hobbies etc. I have seen this happen in my own family and it can put a great deal of pressure on the adult DS to effectively 'replace' their own DF whilst also fulfilling their obligations to their own wife and DC. I understand why they do it, the loneliness must be crushing having been used to sharing your life with someone for all those years. But it is fundamentally selfish when it interferes with their sons work, relationship and time with their own DC.

My mother still refers to my brother as ‘my son’ too, she’s extremely suffocating and manipulative and it’s affected every relationship he has had. Some mothers have a real problem letting go of their sons and allowing them their own independent life.

Thanks all, it’s good to get all sides of the problem so appreciate you all responding. I very much like my MIL and want her to be happy.. she does play bridge a lot so she has a social scene too.. and obv she needs BOTH her children to help her.. it just feels like a bit too much at times.. my OH work is a little fragile at the moment and he has been made redundant a few times so obv j worry that could happen again. He tells her the days he is working at home and on those days she will def call about something... it’s just frustration on my part... I will try and understand and appreciate what a caring husband I have

Could he stop telling her when he works from home?

Why does he tell her when he's working from home if it's detrimental to him getting his work done?

Obviously sometimes things just come up in conversation but if there's a pattern then as a pp says, he just needs to not tell her.

In all honesty,I wouldn't want to spend every weekend and one evening every week with my mil. When do you get time just with your husband?
As a mum of son's, I will want to see them when they get married and have their own families, but I don't want to swamp them with my stuff - helping out when needed is fine and what an adult child should do, but it's wrong to expect kids to be at your beck and call when they have busy lives of their own.
Wfh is for working. Yes, some jobs have a degree of flexibility and it your DH is making up the time his employer might not mind, but those 2 hours have to come from somewhere. The OP shouldn't have to lose evening time with her husband just because mil won't walk her own dog or be considerate when making appts

Some of the responses are very harsh.. I didn’t have my own children to look after me in old age.. I want them to live fullfilling lives with their own families when the time comes.. not be at my beck and call.. I know my husband is a lovely person, and I think he should be there for his mum, but seeing as he has been made redundant three times before I am obv worried this may happen again.. for the person who called me controlling.. you might want to look a little at yourself making such judgements on those you don’t know.. thank you for those who gave constructive responses whether it be for or against how I feel.. for those who find this site an outlet to slate others.. get a life!

Kelwar I think there are a lot of mothers of sons in this thread, who might have issues of control themselves. You really are not being unreasonable. You and your husband are entitled to a life separate to your MIL.

My SiL was like this. As long as she controlled it - "visits" were permitted -especially if she could play the perfect hostess and make my mother feel grateful for the invitation. My DB always did what his wife told him.

When my mum was ill, old, struggling, unable to drive, in pain I did all the shopping, doctor's appointments, arranging DiY and the dull week-day visits. I did it. And my kids came too.
My DB will still expect his share of the inheritance though.

You are lucky you have such a responsible DP and that he is setting a good example to your children.

None of us knows what is around the corner. Any one of us could be disabled tomorrow by an illness or an accident. Then we would see whether we have chosen our friends and partners well and whether we have brought our kids up to lend a hand.

The Key is your DH. He is enabling her to behave like this by not being more firm with boundaries. I think the first step has to be that you both agree that he mustn’t jeopardise his job by nipping out on errands or spending too long on the phone when he should be working. Then that message has to be conveyed to MIL in terms that are clear. I suggest the easiest way is for DH to gently tell her that she must not phone during working hours as work are being more strict about working from home? Perhaps it would be best if he stops telling her when he is working from home?

He needs to stop telling her when he's working from home.

get her into community activities. Exhaust her with the options.. sign up students to visit ehr, craft workshops etc...... she will have mates in no time.

I think he needs to talk to her seriously about the risk of redundancy if he takes time off when he should be working from home. If he said it would mean you would all have to move to another area for work it might sink in.

Apart from that he shouldn't tell her when he's working from home, as otherwise she makes plans. Would she have booked that doctor's appointment if he'd been away for work? Who would have walked the dog?

I feel sorry for your son with a mother who is clearly going to expect l lot from him.. sorry I don’t agree with you, I didn’t have my children for that reason

Oxytocindeficient - you are absolutely right, I forgot that some of the responses would be from future/existing controlling mothers! 👎