Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let her daughter sleep over?

333 replies

Angelwings111 · 30/01/2019 23:04

One of dd’s friends from school is supposed to be sleeping over at my house for 2 days next week while her mum has an operation. This is not a problem as she is a lovely little girl and I get on well with her mum.
The problem is we have a dog who usually sleeps in with dd(9). Now as we have always had dogs I think nothing of this BUT totally understand that other parents won’t be keen so when my friend mentioned she didn’t want her dd sharing a room with the dog I was fine with that.
However as our house is a barn conversion there is no way we can shut the dog downstairs as it is totally open planned so no shut off rooms at all. DH and I can’t have the dog in with us as we have a 5 week old baby and dd2 can’t have him because she fidgets really badly and can’t sleep with the dog in there because he keeps her awake, so I gave my friend a few choices but nothing is god enough for her.
I told her that her dd could have the top bunk in dd’s room (no way the dog can get up there) and my dd would sleep on the sofa that pulls out at the bottom - she said no because she doesn’t want the dog in the same room at all.
I said her dd could have my dd2’s room and be shut in - she doesn’t think her dd would be comfortable sleeping alone in a house she doesn’t know by herself.
So now I’m trying to persuade dd2 to either come in with me and dh or in with dd1 and friends dd just so the dog can be shut in her room away from everyone. I know it’s only for 2 nights but dd2’s really not keen on moving rooms and I feel bad telling her she has to (she has autism and change really doesn’t go down well with her).
I’m thinking of just telling my friend that I can’t have her dd staying here but feel bad as she has no one else to help her but I don’t know what else to do?
Someone help me out please.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 31/01/2019 18:00

*Why not DD in her room with friend and door shut?

What am I missing?*

I still don't understand why ^this can't happen.

werideatdawn · 31/01/2019 18:01

Hmm or maybe we think the mother should get a grip. How pathetic it would be to allow your child to go to foster care because you're being precious over a dog.

Nomorechickens · 31/01/2019 18:08

OP is being kind and supportive to the other mother, whose DD is her DD's friend. Being kind or giving help that is not reciprocated doesn't necessarily mean that you are being taken advantage of. Some of you sound really mean.
And it wouldn't be a bad idea to crate train the dog, given the open plan house layout

TheCounter · 31/01/2019 18:16

Your house. Your rules.
You didn't ask for this quandry to be thrust upon you.
You don't think her suggestions are suitable.
Tell her you don't. She accepts or she looks elsewhere.

Problem solved.

24hoursfromtulsa · 31/01/2019 18:22

"Why not DD in her room with friend and door shut?

What am I missing?

I still don't understand why ^this can't happen"

The OP has explained this - her bedroom is open-plan to the rest of the house, ie it doesn't have a door. And she doesn't want the dog to be able to roam the house at night as she's co-sleeping with her baby. So dog needs to be shut in one of her DC's bedrooms, or in a crate.

LoniceraJaponica · 31/01/2019 18:30

Like another poster earlier I can't get over the idea of the parents not having their own privacy in their bedroom. What happens when the children are older teens and have loads of friends round for a party/sleepover? Will they move first?

ChakiraChakra · 31/01/2019 18:38

Bobbybobbins

Bit shocked that people are upset at the idea of the dog being crated but fine with the 9 year old daughter staying in a foster home with strangers for 2 nights Hmm

Bit shocked some people think these are the only two options Hmm

ColdCottage · 31/01/2019 18:45

Could the dog sleep on its bed in the bathroom?

oldowlgirl · 31/01/2019 18:48

Well done for being such a good friend Op. Hope it all goes well.

adaline · 31/01/2019 18:52

Bit shocked that people are upset at the idea of the dog being crated but fine with the 9 year old daughter staying in a foster home with strangers for 2 nights

But those aren't the only options, it's just that OP's friend doesn't get to dictate the sleeping arrangements in OP's home. The dog sleeps in the bedroom with her DD - either the little girl can sleep on the top bunk out of the way of the dog, or OP's friend is free to make other arrangements (family members, other friends, emergency nanny or 24h babysitter).

You don't get to tell someone to crate their dog (which will just lead to the dog being distressed and unhappy if he's not used to it - it takes weeks to crate train) just because you need the childcare!

mathanxiety · 31/01/2019 18:53

You don't have enough time to get the dog used to the crate.

Tell this women she takes what you originally proposed or she makes another arrangement for her daughter, preferably with a family that does not have a five week old baby to deal with.

He11y · 31/01/2019 18:54

No way would I make my dog sleep in a crate because a friend was dictating what I do in my own home! He’s part of the family! If anything, suddenly pushing him out will make him more of a risk because he won’t understand what’s happening! She needs to get a grip!

ResistanceIsNecessary · 31/01/2019 18:54

Plus all those germs in the bed, the 9 yr old must smell of dog too.

Sorry this made me LOL. I'm impressed it took over 150 posts before someone expressed concern about germs.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2019 18:58

OP have you given any thought to what happens if the operation does not go smoothly, if this woman has a complicated recovery and has to stay longer in the hospital?

There is potential for you to have way too much to deal with.

It is very concerning that there are MH issues at play here and the mother does not want SS involvement.

If your friend does not want SS involved, then you need to start wondering about the welfare of this child, keeping an eye and an ear out and not in any way colluding with the mother if stuff might be going on that will make life difficult for the child. I am not necessarily talking about physical abuse or neglect, but emotional or psychological abuse, a child placed in a position where she guards mummy's secret or feels she has to take care of mummy, or not talk to teachers or a doctor or the parents of her friends if there are things she can't cope with.

BlueSlipperSocks · 31/01/2019 19:44

*Why not DD in her room with friend and door shut?

What am I missing?*

I still don't understand why ^this can't happen*

Because the dog will not understand he is not allowed in his usual sleeping space and will cry, whine and scratch the bedroom door - all night!

Also OP has said she doesn't want the dog roaming around as she doesnt want the dog in her room, because she has a baby, and there is no door on her bedroom.

Original poster
Angelwings111 · 31/01/2019 20:03

KC225 - she only asked me and one other mother as apparently we’re the only ones she trusts. The other mother said no straight away so I feel like I should help.

OP posts:
PinkGin24 · 31/01/2019 20:16

Bloody hell. No way I would be as accomodating as you!!! I certainly wouldn't be interrupting my dogs routine, it is his house. She needs to stay eldewhere.

Original poster
Angelwings111 · 31/01/2019 20:17

Ok, clearly the whole no bedroom door thing is playing on some of your minds so I’ll explain. DH and I were originally in dd1’s room and the girls were sharing but due to dd2’s autism and behaviour at night they couldn’t carry on sharing. We are having another bedroom being built which we will move into and dd1’s room will become a nursery for ds as dd1 wants to move out to where we are sleeping.
Also I would just like to state that my dd doesn’t smell and neither does the dog, he sleeps on a blanket on top of her duvet at the foot of her bed not across her face which is obviously what some of you are imagining.
To the person who mentioned the sex, I have a 5 week old baby who likes to feed every 1.5 hours and a nearly 6 year old who gets up 8+ times per night so it’s not really my top priority right now. Hmm

OP posts:
PinkGin24 · 31/01/2019 20:24

Just catching up on the test of thr comments. You bought your dog a crate!? Are you fucking serious... you are wreckong your dogs routine and putting him last for this stupid woman and her child!?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 31/01/2019 20:26

Why do you feel obliged to do so much for this woman? The other mum who said no to her dd staying doesn’t. Yet you take her dd every Friday despite clearly having your hands full.

Perhaps she does need more help. But it doesn’t have to all be from you. You have a lot on your plate as it is.

I’m not having a go - clearly you’re a nice person. But she’s asking an awful lot of you.

chordFire · 31/01/2019 20:33

It sounds like you have enough on your plate without pandering to this woman's demands. That being said, most people can put up with inconvenience for a short amount of time so, unless you are on the brink MH wise, chill out and just expect to have a shitty nights sleep for one night.

Santaclarita · 31/01/2019 20:40

I would do what someone else said.

Adult 1 with baby downstairs.
Adult 2 with dog in dd1s room.
Dd1 and friend in landing 'bedroom'.
Dd2 in her room as normal.

Everyone happy.

Honeyroar · 31/01/2019 20:49

Or else put the child in the crate!😄

Twooter · 31/01/2019 21:15

My plan seemed to cater for the situation.
Can’t believe how nasty people are being - the other mum is having an operation - it’s not as if she’s going on a weekend away - so how does it makes her a CF to ask for support - I’m assuming she doesn’t have local family or other options, but really you’re being so harsh.

zzzzz · 31/01/2019 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread