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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF friend and ‘my’ birthday AIBU

148 replies

Lovemusic33 · 30/01/2019 20:36

A week ago my friend messaged me asking if I would like to go out for my birthday and asked when I was free, I said “I would love too, I’m free the day after my birthday”, she suggested a place to go which is quite far, she doesn’t drive so I will be driving and unable to drink.

Tonight she messages me and asks me if I can book a table and to book it for 10 people, I assumed it was just me and her as we don’t really share any other friends (maybe one friend), so she has invited 8 of her friends to what I thought was my birthday dinner. Chances are she expects me drive most of them (I have a 7 seater) there and back. I stupidly agreed to book a table so I can’t really back out and I have booked a baby sitter. My friends birthday is ten days before mine so I’m guessing this is her party and not mine and I’m just the taxi.

She has a habit of doing things like this Sad

So is she being a CF?, stupid question really, and I’m letting her get away with it?

Should I just book the table and invite who I would like to be there? Drive my friends there and tell her to make her own way there?

Feeling really let down, I don’t have many friends so I was excited about being asked out for my birthday. I even bought my friend a concert ticket for her birthday to see one of our favourite bands.

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 30/01/2019 23:23

Tell her that the restaurant now requires a deposit of £x per person and you don't have that money. She's going to have to find the money ( I bet she doesn't have it).

SandAndSea · 30/01/2019 23:26

Another suggestion:

"Hi df! I've had a re-think about my birthday and I have to be honest, I really don't want to celebrate with a load of people I don't know, in a restaurant where I can hardly eat anything. This is not my idea of fun at all! I'm going to bow out now but please do go and enjoy. Take care, OP x"

Starlight456 · 30/01/2019 23:34

I also remember the cake thread.

I think the pp suggestion is good .

I am a single parent so don’t get out often and when I do don’t want to spend it somewhere I don’t want to be , paying for child care .

Butterflycookie · 30/01/2019 23:45

Can’t believe she’d invite her friends for your birthday! I would ask her just to clarify who she’s inviting.

SearchingForSeaGlass · 30/01/2019 23:47

I think that you should send her a message along the lines of "I didn't realise you were suggesting a big night out, and I don't fancy that restaurant. Let's just do something the two of us another time. I hope you all have a great night."
And don't wait for her to digest another night out 😂
It does sound like a rubbish night for you if you went, and it's better to bow out now rather than stress over which excuse to use nearer the time. Particularly when she isn't a good friend anyway.

SearchingForSeaGlass · 30/01/2019 23:48

Digest = suggest

LittlePaintBox · 30/01/2019 23:48

I have a very long standing friend who started doing this sort of number on me. She'd invite me somewhere and then I'd find a load of her friends that I didn't know were invited as well. Or she'd make an arrangement to see me, then start changing it as she was trying to fit me into other things she wanted to do on the same day.

Eventually I realised that, whereas I thought of her as a special friend, she didn't see me in the same way. She seems to 'collect' friends, and when she started messing me around she was juggling so many friends from work, church and other activities that she could only find time to see me in a group with other people I didn't know.

I ended up making a rule for myself that as soon as she changed an arrangement (and weirdly, it was always her making the arrangements), I would say I didn't want to do whatever thing it was now that the arrangement had changed.

It made me feel quite hurt that she wasn't prepared to set time aside to see me on my own, but I realised that maybe she'd changed over all the time I'd known her and wasn't that interested in a close friendship with me any more.

Somethingsmellsnice · 30/01/2019 23:48

"Sorry I won't be able to attend 'your' birthday meal after all. I hope you and your friends have fun."

Sorted

Teenagemaw · 31/01/2019 03:31

A lot of people use fb messenger thru the computer when phones are broke maybe thats how she got in touch with op (to those asking how she managed with no phone)

Monty27 · 31/01/2019 03:39

OP she's no friend she's a C using F.
Get her gone. Hour before you are due to pick her up you can't go and wish her a good evening.

KC225 · 31/01/2019 03:51

Please don't cancel at the last minute, your friend is cheeky - but you are better than that. Don't lower yourself to flakey to get your own back. You have excellent reasons (not excuses) for cancelling now.

Monty27 · 31/01/2019 04:08

That's me told kc Blush
Angry bird me Grin
In rl I would probably put her off her notions straight away.
I was feeling cross for OP. Especially for 'birthday' meal. Shock

redwitch5 · 31/01/2019 04:12

I agree with KC225. While I dream about being really petty, I like to say civil. Just because they're jerks doesn't mean I have to be one. My response would be "Oh, I thought you said this was just the two of us, and well. You know I don't like groups, I'm going to bow out now, too many people, but enjoy your party." If you've already booked a babysitter, then go out with yourself. A nice meal, a movie or some such. As fun as it would be to book her party then bow out, the fireworks would not be as enjoyable. And Happy Birthday

Deerstalker · 31/01/2019 04:13

Please don’t go! You’ll kick yourself

PregnantSea · 31/01/2019 04:13

I'd be really honest with her - just ask who these other 8 people are. If it's people you don't know just say "thanks for the offer but I'd rather not spend my birthday with loads of people I don't know. Have fun". She will keep doing stuff like this if you aren't honest.

Annoying that you'd even have to say that though... People should just know that this isn't ok...

RebootYourEngine · 31/01/2019 04:14

Don't make up excuses just tell her it's not your sort of restaurant. If she was a friend she would change it seeing as it's for your birthday. If she doesn't then you know that it was not for your birthday.

PregnantSea · 31/01/2019 04:21

I've just read more or the thread - having been caught up on everything I now think you should just say "thanks for the invite but it's not my thing. Have a nice evening" and then never bother with her again.

You say you don't have many friends but this isn't a reason to allow people to treat you badly. Better to be alone than to have the company of assholes, that's what I always say.

Get onto bumble bff or join a club or something, get yourself some better friends who have manners!

Hope you have a nice birthday at home stuffing your face with cake and not having to be a taxi service to a bunch of strangers :)

Skittlesandbeer · 31/01/2019 04:48

I think you’re missing a trick here, OP.

The reason you should be upfront with her is for your own self development. You’ve just had a birthday, so don’t let yourself get even one minute older without pulling on your big girl pants and being more assertive.

Since you seem to be thinking you’ll phase her out of your life, why not use the opportunity to practice some assertiveness? What’s the worst that can happen? It’s not confrontation, it’s knowing your own mind, figuring out your position and calmly and clearly communicating it. Her reaction is her problem, not yours. Just say your piece, listen to her blathering on (crossness, blame, cajoling, whatever), then just respond ‘It’s not an arrangement I’d enjoy so I won’t be doing it.’ Smile, leave.

Life skills, you know. And you can look back on this situation as the day you picked up the reigns of your own life and be proud, instead of the day your CF friend ruined your birthday. C’mon, which is better??

LellyMcKelly · 31/01/2019 04:55

You’re a grown up. As many others have said, you don’t need to make excuses, just tell the truth. A night out with 6 people you barely know in a burger bar sounds like a dreadful birthday meal.

rainbowstardrops · 31/01/2019 05:00

Don't make excuses and don't wait until the day before/on the day to cancel.

Take a deep breath and put her straight. You don't need to be rude or anything, just to the point. 'Hi CF, I've been thinking about this meal and to be honest, it's not my thing. I thought it was just the two of us going out in close town for a meal and a natter but that doesn't seem to be the case now. Hope you have a lovely evening though and maybe catch up soon'. Job done.

Who cares what she says behind your back?Who cares if she'll be riled?

Order an Indian takeaway and a bottle of wine and I guarantee you'll have a better evening!

Oh and she isn't your friend. She's just a using CF.

Hope you have a lovely birthday Thanks

Alondonleerie · 31/01/2019 05:03

You don't know for sure who these other ppl are yet, do you? I went to a friend's 40th meal out last year - her best friend had secretly asked a bunch of us if we could join them, it was a nice surprise for her to find us there too.
Maybe she hasn't asked you to pick anyone up because they are adults, and therefore quite capable of arranging their own lifts, or Uber.

kateandme · 31/01/2019 05:08

I know your not people person.but still treat yourself on your birthday.its sounds like you would have liked it if it was how she firs portayed it? so do something with a real friend.go out for a lovlely meal.yo udeserve a lovely time.

kentparent · 31/01/2019 05:23

As others have said, you don't need to make excuses. Just politely explain there's been a misunderstanding, you thought you were meeting to celebrate your birthday but you realise plans have changed. Say you will bow out as you don't know her friends well enough to invite them to your birthday night out. Don't take her to the concert unless you really want to go and she's useful to go with. Otherwise is there a school mum or someone in your family you could invite? Then focus on ways to mix more with others...volunteer somewhere? Take an evening class?

Clearoutre · 31/01/2019 05:25

Yes cancel and last minute but chances are you will get a text or two in the lead up “Can I get a lift with you?” Etc. Make sure you say “I’ll meet you there” or similar...if you’re pushed for a reason say “I’m meeting X before and they are dropping me off” - just head it off so no-one can pin you down.

Re. Concert say nothing further, take someone else and pretend they offered you a ticket not the other way round.

Clearoutre · 31/01/2019 05:29

(Also advocate being honest vs. flakey but some people deserve flakey)