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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF friend and ‘my’ birthday AIBU

148 replies

Lovemusic33 · 30/01/2019 20:36

A week ago my friend messaged me asking if I would like to go out for my birthday and asked when I was free, I said “I would love too, I’m free the day after my birthday”, she suggested a place to go which is quite far, she doesn’t drive so I will be driving and unable to drink.

Tonight she messages me and asks me if I can book a table and to book it for 10 people, I assumed it was just me and her as we don’t really share any other friends (maybe one friend), so she has invited 8 of her friends to what I thought was my birthday dinner. Chances are she expects me drive most of them (I have a 7 seater) there and back. I stupidly agreed to book a table so I can’t really back out and I have booked a baby sitter. My friends birthday is ten days before mine so I’m guessing this is her party and not mine and I’m just the taxi.

She has a habit of doing things like this Sad

So is she being a CF?, stupid question really, and I’m letting her get away with it?

Should I just book the table and invite who I would like to be there? Drive my friends there and tell her to make her own way there?

Feeling really let down, I don’t have many friends so I was excited about being asked out for my birthday. I even bought my friend a concert ticket for her birthday to see one of our favourite bands.

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 30/01/2019 22:08

You don't have to make excuses. Honesty put in a firm but pleasant way removes the risk of tying yourself up explaining your excuses.

"I've thought about it a bit more and looked into the restaurant and it's just not my thing. I'd rather do something with my kids/only people I actually know for my own birthday. Thanks for thinking of me though and enjoy your birthday meal."

Giraffey1 · 30/01/2019 22:10

I remember the cake thread. I think the overwhelming consensus then was that your ‘friend’ actually wasn’t a friend and just a cheeky entitled individual.

This new thread proves the point. Why do you need someone like this who is only interested in using you in your life? You don’t, you really don’t.

I’d tell your ‘friend’ that as you now realise this isn’t a birthday meal for you at all, but a shindig for her friends, you won’t be attending. If she wants to book a night out, let her do it. Don’t make any more contact with her. Concentrate on people who matter and who truly care about you.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 30/01/2019 22:10

Alexa sorry this happened to you too.

She hasn’t actually said I will be picking people up but most of her friends don’t drive, I know there will be at least 2 that won’t be able to get there and I suspect some live in the town we are eating in.

She hasn’t even asked where I would like to go, there’s nothing on the menu I would eat as it’s all burgers, steaks and gills. I don’t eat much meat or carbs and although I’m not a vegan I often chose to eat vegan or vegetarian food when out rather than a burger. If it was at the Indian (my favourite food) I probably would have gone and put up with the strangers 🤣

OP posts:
Jux · 30/01/2019 22:11

Gosh yes, I remember the cake thread! She's a real CF, and I bet she does expect you to taxi her and her friends around it does sound lke her birthday celebration, and no one else wants to stay sober so she's invited you.

Your plan sounds great, book table in her name, be ill. Or you could go but tell her you ecan't pick her up as you're coming from the other direction and will be pushed for time, then turn up a little late, eat and go. No lifts for anyone anywhere.

Annabk · 30/01/2019 22:16

Cancel! No explanation required- it’s your birthday after all. Stay home with takeaway and cake and a good film Cake

theworldistoosmall · 30/01/2019 22:18

So what she bad mouths you to other people, especially when they know what she's like?

There is no friendship. She's a user and brings no value to your life, nor will she ever.

Just text her - Hi, just letting you know, I'm not coming. What started as a quiet meal to celebrate my birthday it's morphed into a get together for you and your mates and me playing taxi driver. Not the type of evening I had in mind. Enjoy your night.

SecretMillionaire · 30/01/2019 22:19

I’d be honest and tell her that you were expecting it to be the two of you and that you are happy to rearrange for another time as you do not wish to celebrate your birthday with strangers.

I also remember the cake thread and she is really taking the P on a grand scale for a second time. Think more of yourself and don’t give in to her. She’s not a friend, friends don’t treat you like that. You say you don’t have many friends but it’s the quality of the friends that matter not the quantity. You deserve better than she offers you.

ashtrayheart · 30/01/2019 22:20

No excuses or lies required, she’s the one who has moved the goalposts. Just be honest and and say it’s not what you had in mind so will leave it and see her another time. As I’ve got older I say no thanks to things I don’t want to do, it feels great!

HeckinHell · 30/01/2019 22:21

You could bow out gracefully and still gently establish boundaries: “I’ve had a look at the menu and they don’t serve food that I like, and I’m not really up for a evening out with lots of people anyway, so I’ve decided to pass on this one. You have a great night though, we’ll meet up another time!”

Then get a bottle of wine and some cake and congratulate yourself on saying no.

HeckinHell · 30/01/2019 22:22

*an evening.

Bloody phone.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 30/01/2019 22:23

OP, you keep suggesting "excuses" you can make - but I honestly think it is better for you to tell the truth -"I was looking forward to a meal just the two of us, but now that 8 of your friends are coming, it's not for me." It's not rude or controversial. Excuses don't help her to see the real issue. This was supposed to be a celebration of your birthday. It isn't. In any way.

I appreciate that you don't have many friends, but you don't need a bad one. You sound very happy in your own company or 1:1, so either invite another friend out or enjoy your favourite indian takeaway and a good film.

CatnissEverdene · 30/01/2019 22:25

Text her back saying "Had a look at the menu and really don't fancy that place, or being part of aa large group being honest, so I've booked X instead for just you and me. Can't wait to catch up" and see what she says.

KrazyKatlady · 30/01/2019 22:25

Hold up, if her phone was broken and she can't book the table how could she message you?
I know of several freeloader people like this. They are usually the ones that drink/eat the most, insist the bill is split equally and never offer any petrol money. I try not to have much to do with the ones I know. One of them , when we were at a meal for a mutual friend, kept going on and on about how many buses she would need to get and then asked if I could give her a lift despite the fact it would be an hour detour for me!! I'd given her plenty of lifts before and she never offered anything in return so I'm afraid I said no it wasn't convenient.

TheMaddHugger · 30/01/2019 22:28

KrazyKatlady Wed 30-Jan-19 22:25:53
Hold up, if her phone was broken and she can't book the table how could she message you?

very good question

Travelledtheworld · 30/01/2019 22:33

Feel for you OP I have a CF friend who plays the helpless victim and exploits me in many ways. I have managed to avoid her recently.....

Have a great birthday whatever you do !

Mia184 · 30/01/2019 22:33

OP, you could tell her that you‘re doing a veganuary and the restaurant just isn‘t right for you at the moment.

theworldistoosmall · 30/01/2019 22:36

Could have messaged through messenger, insta and if it's the screen cracked can still connect to the desktop whatsapp, can even send texts through desktop as long as the phone it on.

UniversalAunt · 30/01/2019 22:37

Hi CF,

By now your phone is fixed.
I did book Y restaurant for Z people on X date for you, as you asked as a favour. The booking is in yr name. Have fun 😀.

I won’t join you as I have had a far better offer.

Rgds
OP

Ellie56 · 30/01/2019 23:01

Why do so many Mumsnetters have CFs for "friends"?

Butterfly84 · 30/01/2019 23:04

Do not go. You would basically be chauffeuring a load of people you don't know for a night out...to 'celebrate your birthday'.

I would just say it how it is to your friend. 'Sorry, I won't be coming to the meal. I was looking forward to going out with you but didn't realise you were inviting people I don't know. I'll see you soon x' ...and maybe don't see her soon.

manicinsomniac · 30/01/2019 23:07

OP, you keep suggesting "excuses" you can make - but I honestly think it is better for you to tell the truth -"I was looking forward to a meal just the two of us, but now that 8 of your friends are coming, it's not for me." It's not rude or controversial. Excuses don't help her to see the real issue. This was supposed to be a celebration of your birthday. It isn't. In any way

This times a million.

And why are so many others joining in with suggested excuses.

The excuses make the OP look make. The truth makes the CF look bad.

ChasedByBees · 30/01/2019 23:10

I think you should make an excuse before the night before.

I would probably ask, “wow, 10 people for my birthday? How did you get in touch with my other friends? Who are they?”

itswinetime · 30/01/2019 23:13

Completely agree with the previous posters! Why are you making excuses?

She has behaved badly, she is using you. You have nothing to excuse. Contact her and ask who the 10 are. Then tell the truth as you don't really know any of them and you don't really like that style of food you will give it a miss but hope she has fun! Job done.

Honeyroar · 30/01/2019 23:16

Give yourself a birthday present - the strength to say no to her.

Mummylife2018 · 30/01/2019 23:23

Please don't give in! This is how CFs stay CFs!!

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